Be honest. If a man expected you...

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

to split the bill on a first date would it put you off?

Honestly, yes.

@frogswimming

Having read the thread I have decided that the interaction about who pays reflects both the wishes of both parties to have a second date and also the future expectations of being able to negotiate financial matters smoothly and equitably (not necessarily equally).

So,
I) he offers,
Ii) I offer to pay half,
Iii) he insists,

then

A) i insist on paying half if not interested,

Or

B)I accept and say I'll pay next time if I am interested.

I would agree with this, but if there was no offer from the woman to split, but the date was good (for me at least !), I wouldn’t be worried about it, but it was the date average (for me at least), and there wasn’t at least an offer to split, then I wouldn’t go on a 2nd date ( if in the event it was even offered), and I probably wouldn’t make the offer.

Hand on heart, the opposite. I always equated a man offering to pay with a man who would expect me to do all the "wife work" later in the relationship.

I had zero intention of ever being that woman so why would I want that man? In my experience dating I avoided the singy/cocklodgers and then who wanted to pay everything equally.

I'd never go for a meal for the first date, always drinks or a coffee, so the date can be ended swiftly if need be. I'd appreciate him buying the first drinks though and then I'd buy the next ones.

It wouldn't put me off, but I would've preferred to have it discussed and agreed either way up front.

Not sat there like Victor Meldrew with his calculator

I probably wouldn't have a second date with a bloke who couldn't divide a number in two....

I think not stumping up to pay your way is the cheapskate

What would put me off anyone is an ungenerous tipper.

I'd like it!

@JassyRadlett

Or that he is the type of man who will always expect you to pay half of everything...good luck with that on maternity leave.

I think it’s ok to leave that for a second date. 😂

The first date isn’t the only chance you’ll get to audition this guy, despite some views on the thread!

There are such weird attitudes at play here. ‘I want to be treated traditionally while we’re dating, with all the romance and manly gentlemanly men! But I want total equality after that.’

I’ve actually got more respect for those who have so-called ‘traditional values’ and have followed through in their subsequent lives. At least there’s logical consistency.

I totally agree with everything you’ve said. I don’t think a first date is always enough to completely get the measure of someone, but I would guess that a man who assumes it’s his role to pay and the woman’s to turn up and look pretty is also a man who thinks if he works and brings home the money, little wifey stays at home and does all the domestic work. After all, he earns, so he shouldn’t have to lift a finger when he finishes work, right?

A guy who sees dating as an activity of equals is probably more likely to approach a relationship in such a way. I don’t want kids, but if I were to have them, I’d want to do as much as possible to ensure I was with someone who saw parenting as an equal responsibility, and did 50% of all domestic chores too. I discuss things like this with people I’m dating because even though they’re hypothetical, they give a good idea of someone’s values. Men who’ve insisted on paying (and I haven’t dated many like that, none made it past date 1 anyway) have, in my experience, expressed views I find sexist and outdated and aren’t people I’d want to date or even befriend.

As a relationship continues and becomes more established then I think it naturally becomes more fluid who pays what, and becomes more of a casual ‘oh, did you pay the last one? Let me get this’ type arrangement.

I haven’t been on a date for several hundred years but I would - although I’d insist on paying for the drinks afterwards or something like that. If I wasn’t that keen I’d go halves though and there wouldn’t be a second date.

I’d much prefer doing something else more relaxed though - a walk, trip to a garden, an activity, that kind of thing where we each pay for part of the day. The thought of sitting opposite someone I barely know and eating fills me with dread. Thank god those days are behind me.

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

to split the bill on a first date would it put you off?

Christ, if I was a man and the woman expected me to pay because of my gender I would be put off. I’m a grown woman not a child.

I would expect to go halves (ish) on a first date. Myself and DP did a few different things on our first date and took turns paying, neither of us really kept track of the actual split or anything.

It's a first date, you're not in a relationship from that point usually, although you could be I suppose. Once you're in a relationship it's down to you both to decide how to split finances. I don't know why those decisions would exactly mirror your first date really unless it is a case of one person wanting the other to pay all/most of the time and the other agreeing.

If you specifically tell someone you are taking them out then I would say, man or woman, you should pay. Myself and my DP will say to each other "I will take you out here" or "I'll treat you, where would you like to go/what would you like to do" and then yes the person inviting is imo offering to pay. Like birthdays for example, I wouldn't expect to pay on mine nor him on his. It just feels nice not to sometimes but it evens out along the way.

The rest of the time when dating I would say you just discuss things. You're not ungenerous if you're not up for doing expensive things all the time.

• Just to say I would take the same stance with a friend too. If we are arranging going somewhere then we're both going to be contributing. If someone says they're treating you or vice-versa then I would say that person is offering to pay.

My (female) friend took me out for a very fancy dinner not long ago and although I offered to pay she made it clear she was treating me. She did suggest I bought us some drinks somewhere else later though

I would generally insist upfront that we are splitting the bill to avoid any awkwardness.

No I'd insist on it anyway.

With OLD you are not 'being asked out'. You are agreeing to meet each other to see if you like each other.

Many men and women may date twice or more a week - why should the male pay every time?

Yes it would. Especially if they were the one to do the asking out. I think man should pay for the first date at least. When you start going out more, bills can be split.

@GreyCarpet

No.

I'm more put off by the chest beating insistence that they pay.

This.

I wouldn't really go for dinner on the first date but I would expect the man to pay for the first drink and I would buy the second

But if there was one bill involved I would be put off to go halves

@OnceTheyDid

With OLD you are not 'being asked out'. You are agreeing to meet each other to see if you like each other.

Many men and women may date twice or more a week - why should the male pay every time?

If it was OLD the I’d definitely split the bill - I was thinking more along the lines of a longish flirty build up to being asked on a date rather than dating multiple people iykwim. God I’m so old.

@OnceTheyDid

With OLD you are not 'being asked out'. You are agreeing to meet each other to see if you like each other.

Many men and women may date twice or more a week - why should the male pay every time?

I was coming on to say this.

@TSSDNCOP

What would put me off anyone is an ungenerous tipper.

Yes! A thousand times over. And people who aren’t nice to wait staff and bar staff, etc.

people who aren’t nice to wait staff and bar staff, etc.

That would put me off a man too, if he was rude to the waiting staff and bar staff etc...

@furbabymama87

Yes it would. Especially if they were the one to do the asking out. I think man should pay for the first date at least. When you start going out more, bills can be split.

This. ^

@Unfashionable

Absolutely not. It would reassure me that he sees women as equals.

Not necessarily.

In my experience - and that of many women I know - a man who wants a woman to pay her way, is NOT wanting her to pay for herself because he thinks women are 'equal' and he supports 'equal opportunities for women.'

You will find men who are all 'women fought for equality so they can have it and pay their own way,' are not so keen on equal opportunities for women when it comes to pulling their weight around the house, and sharing the domestic, and childcare duties.

I am happy to pay my way in life, and have never expected to be 'kept by a man,' (urgh I HATE that misogynistic phrase,) or treated like a precious princess. But, like many women on here, if a man asked me on a date, and at the end of it, he started reckoning up what I had had, and telling me the bill is £33.00 and what I had comes to £14.23, it would be the first and last date. This behaviour = tightwad IMO.

I would offer to pay my share, but would still be massively put off if he agreed, and said 'yeah let's work out how much you have to pay.' If he DID pay, and wanted to pay, this would be a good sign (IMO,) that a man is chivalrous and kind generous, and will look after you.

As I said, I don't need looking after, and have always brought income into our family, but it's nice to know he would look after you if you needed him to. If he pays, it shows respect towards the woman HE has asked out. Asking a woman out, and then asking her to pay for what she consumed? Urgh! How off-putting!

If the man DID pay, and was happy to pay, then on the second date, I would offer to take him somewhere, and pay for it...

And no, I am NOT explaining why I think how I do. I don't owe anyone an explanation. So the ones demanding to know why people have the opinion that they want the man to offer to pay on a first date; don't waste your breath. The OP asked. People have answered . No-one has to explain their opinions.