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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Conversation with bf about sexual partners

167 replies

BonneMaman15 · 31/08/2021 14:54

So last night bf of 8 months & I were chatting over text & he asked how many sexual partners I've had. I was surprised by the question, so I just replied with a 😂, and he said "that means a lot"
I then asked "you?" & he said "I asked you first etc"
I didn't respond, so a few mins later he texted "still counting?"
I just replied with "2"
Him : I think you missed the 3 before the 2
Me: 😲 No. Less than that.
Him: It must be too many to admit too .......oh dear 🙈🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃

No further texting as it was a pointless conversation from my point of view, but then, the baffling part, he didn't text goodnight & good morning which he always does without fail (I did). Tried calling today during his lunch break, he didn't answer. Texted "are you ok?" No response, but messages read.

What the heck is going on here?!?

OP posts:
Etinox · 31/08/2021 21:34

Stay strong sister 💪

QueenBee52 · 31/08/2021 22:01

NEVER answer this question..,

it's nobody's business EVER ..

Get rid if the bullying Creep

🌸

Agapornis · 31/08/2021 22:23

Send him Salt-N-Pepa's finest tune:

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Original poster
BonneMaman15 · 31/08/2021 22:24

Now that I think of it, there has been a pattern of him pestering me for info & then using it to make me feel shit. Ugh time really does reveal all.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 31/08/2021 22:55

@BonneMaman15

Now that I think of it, there has been a pattern of him pestering me for info & then using it to make me feel shit. Ugh time really does reveal all.

yip...

using your history against you.. he's an abuser ...

get rid 🌸

Thelnebriati · 31/08/2021 23:09

Going silent on you is part of the controlling pattern; you are supposed to chase after him. Yuk.

SleepingBunnies21 · 31/08/2021 23:10

He sounds like a red pill woman hating type.

They have a fixation on no of sexual partners, body count, they call it. They call any period of singleton with casual relationships or one's "riding the dick carousel". They invest huge value innot as an indicator or a Woman's suitability for a relationship. And they belyeve all women say about a third of their actual number.

Their own behaviour is free from.any such scrutiny or judgement, of course. Only women are "damaged" by multiple partners abd casual sex, and men find ot hatder to sex than women apparently, so they should be lauded for their conquests, bit women should be denigrated for "indiscriminately" opening their legs.

A key that opens any lock is a great key, but a lock that can be opened by any key is a crappy lock.

Yes, really - that's their catch phrase.

He sounds of that ilk.

SleepingBunnies21 · 31/08/2021 23:12

*men find it much harder to get sex than women

SleepingBunnies21 · 31/08/2021 23:14

As others have said, there is also no correct answer to this question.

Refuse to play ball- you're a mega slut who can't even talk about it, it must be so high.

Medium answer - you're underpaying.

Low answer, you're lying.

These men will never be happy with anything but a sex doll (in future droid) they got out of the box.

SleepingBunnies21 · 31/08/2021 23:15

*underplaying

SleepingBunnies21 · 31/08/2021 23:24

Incidentally a medium answer would also be wrong because it wouldn't be low.

Catlover1970 · 01/09/2021 00:20

Massive red flag. Don’t contact him

Freddy12 · 01/09/2021 00:39

Sounds immature at very best -he is over 40 wow he is an idiot
20 people once or one person 20times non of his business my wife and I both have a rough idea through general chat over the years - I really don’t need to know her score as she feels no compulsion to know my number
Really don’t chase ! Ignore and move on I would say

WellThisIsShit · 01/09/2021 03:29

Eugh, a prince among men indeed. What a revolting specimen.

Roblox01 · 01/09/2021 06:00

I've been asked previously this question and didn't mind answering. You've told him it's no more than 30, sounds like less so the issue is with him.

If it had been hundreds I can see why someone might not be sure but not at the type of level you mention.

saleorbouy · 01/09/2021 06:52

How is this relevant to your relationship? He must understand that unless you're his first then you will have sexual history.
The number is not relevant or any of his business, is there some magic cut off number between good and bad.....nonsense.
He needs to focus on the now, " shall we both get tested" would be a better stance in my opinion, the fact he actually cares for yours and his sexual health.
Don't answer his question and his childish reaction to me shouts that it's time to move on.
As the saying goes, "Don't ask the question if you can't handle a truthful answer"

BabyLeaf · 01/09/2021 08:28

I’ve never had a relationship where we haven’t talked about that at some point. No judgment, just curiosity about someone’s past. Partners of mine have disclosed anything from two to a hundred precious sexual partners and I haven’t batted an eyelid. But if they replied with what you did I’d find it quite shady and wonder why they were being evasive and what they were hiding and why.

If you’d said ‘to me that’s personal between me and previous partners so I won’t be sharing’ then at least you’d make your position clear and I’d accept that. But you kinda just tried to wriggle out of it shadily, while also wanting to know his! Which is hypocritical.

Childish of him to cool off but you weren’t great either.

MyNameForToday1980 · 01/09/2021 09:01

What gets me most is that he asked it by TEXT, like he was sitting around wondering how much of a "slag' you were (in his head, he obv puts some credence into a specific number as being 'too many').

Bottom line. It's not his business.

People who try to weasel this sort of information out of you, do not have good intent.

hippychick10 · 01/09/2021 09:44

@BabyLeaf

I’ve never had a relationship where we haven’t talked about that at some point. No judgment, just curiosity about someone’s past. Partners of mine have disclosed anything from two to a hundred precious sexual partners and I haven’t batted an eyelid. But if they replied with what you did I’d find it quite shady and wonder why they were being evasive and what they were hiding and why.

If you’d said ‘to me that’s personal between me and previous partners so I won’t be sharing’ then at least you’d make your position clear and I’d accept that. But you kinda just tried to wriggle out of it shadily, while also wanting to know his! Which is hypocritical.

Childish of him to cool off but you weren’t great either.

She said '2' That's not being shady ?!
Hrpuffnstuff1 · 01/09/2021 09:55

Mrs HR took great delight in telling me all about her past in detail.🤣🤣
Although she got a bit of a monk on when I revealed minor details about mine.

It is what it is, sometimes it's better to keep counsel and be tactful.
I'd leave him alone, it's a new relationship, neither of you owe each other anything.

Excelthetube · 01/09/2021 10:54

My god. I hope you never get back together with him.
What a twat

BabyLeaf · 01/09/2021 10:55

@hippychick10

She said two after trying to deflect with a laughing emoji and then asking him his number, then waited until he prompted her again to say ‘2’. Then when he said ‘must be 32’ so said ‘no, less than that’ as if the number wasn’t actually two, but was somewhere between 2 and 32.

Wasn’t like he asked and she said two.

He’s a knob for making the running away emoji as if her number of past partners would send him running. But tbf any man who judged me poorly based on that would be better off running before I got rid of him anyway.

OP handled it badly and he seems like a twat.

Rosequartz7 · 01/09/2021 11:21

What shit behaviour! Definitely get rid, what an idiot!

WhatMattersMost · 01/09/2021 11:32

@BonneMaman15

Now that I think of it, there has been a pattern of him pestering me for info & then using it to make me feel shit. Ugh time really does reveal all.
Abusive. No two ways about it. Block him, because there's every chance that when his ghosting doesn't go according to plan (i.e. if you don't chase him up), he'll be back with the sweet talk.
Naunet · 01/09/2021 12:37

@Driftingblue

I’m of the “your having sex with every person that person has ever had sex with” generation. Sharing a list of the actual people, not just the number was the norm. I don’t understand why people are so precious about sharing a number.
Does this thread not show your why?! Because women are still shamed for it, that’s why.