Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my Gf being fair with finances?

165 replies

jones88 · 31/08/2021 14:36

ive recently moved in with my gf. She has two dc from a previous relationship. I will be contributing enough money to cover her bills and rent (we have already agreed to this, she would not have let me move in otherwise and hers is cheaper than when I was renting alone) but she now wants me to pay the weekly grocery shop too. This leaves her with more or less her full wage + money from ex for children. When ive said to take the money out of what I give her, she says that I eat a lot more than her and her kids and that its only 'fair'. She said she will save her wage for holidays for all of us so that I dont need to contribute when we go away. Is she taking the piss out of me or is this fair

OP posts:
LeafOfTruth · 01/09/2021 14:51

She take my money when I'm in need
Yeah, she's a triflin' friend indeed
Oh, she's a gold digger
Way over town, that digs on me

Leave, OP. Have higher standards for yourself and live your life in the light - not captive in the darkness with someone who doesn't care about you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/09/2021 17:38

I agreed to pay the rent and bills as its still cheaper than my 1 bed flat when I was living alone. So the way I saw it was that I was saving money

You may well be "saving money" but that doesn't mean it has to be spent on keeping her - a fair contribution yes, but not ALL the expenses

Looking at your other thread it seems you're quite happy to be taken for a mug, and only you can change that

Longsight2019 · 02/09/2021 00:07

She’s latched on to your perceived saving and benefit of living in a nicer place and seems to think she’s entitled to your income. You’ve inadvertently become her funder and she will just take you for a ride if you let her.

Geppili · 02/09/2021 05:25

She is an arch manipulator.

Flakjacketon · 02/09/2021 10:53

Sadly, I think you are right she is just looking for someone to bank roll her.

It may be cheaper for you to live there but the stresses and emotional strain are just not worth it. Your resentment will just build until it becomes unbearable.
Unfortunately I think there is no relationship to speak of, at least from her side.
Cut your losses, move on and be happy.

Longsight2019 · 02/09/2021 11:10

@OP - update required please! What are you going to do in light of this unanimous advice??

Original poster
jones88 · 02/09/2021 20:53

She has agreed to pay for the food shop (after a few remarks!) and has basically said that men use young single parents and she's not anyone's 'free' gf. She said she was worried I would 'use her' for a place to live etc and that to prove im not doing that, she thought its fair I pay my way etc. I have actually moved city to be with her, which is why her place is a lot cheaper than mine and have sacrificed a lot to be with her, so unsure why she thinks I would use her! before we started living together, I would travel to hers every week, buy groceries/takeout for the time im there, drive all the way to hers and then bring her back to mine and drop her off again (as she doesn't drive and says she is claustrophobic so cannot get the train (!) so ive not given her any reason to believe I had intentions to use her and she's not the type that would let that happen anyway.
After an argument I had with her where she told me to go back to x city, and then proceeded to send me links to homeless shelters in her city (to take the piss) I did tell her I cannot live with her and cannot be with her, after initially telling me to fuck off then, she then started crying and saying im argumentative and basically made out like im the problem, since then she's been okay with me (hence agreeing to pay for the food shop) but I guess time will tell.

I will read all the replies again properly. I do agree with what's being advised

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 02/09/2021 20:58

You're making a huge mistake with this woman.. sorry Flowers

Youknownothingsnow · 02/09/2021 21:00

We both pay 50% of our earnings into a joint account and the bills and food shop/household comes out of that.

I’d suggest that to her.

TwinsandTrifle · 02/09/2021 21:04

You really paint her in a bad light, as a person that no-one would think was behaving acceptably. List her unacceptable behaviour, and how she's "made out I'm the problem".

There's more to this. For sure. It's like you're describing her as poorly as possible, and yet you're seemingly still with her, when from your portrayal, no one else would be? It's very strange that you do that. Is there a bit of white knight complex going on here? Confused

drpet49 · 02/09/2021 21:07

** Of course she's taking the piss.
You pay for everything for both her and her children and she pays for nothing?
No thanks.**

^This. She is only with you for the money. Leave her and find someone worthy of you.

Raindancer411 · 02/09/2021 21:15

@jones88 I would be looking for your own place on the side as I cannot see this lasting. Honestly you deserve better

Littlepaws18 · 02/09/2021 21:30

There doesn't seem to be anything positive about this relationship- she is abusing you financially, emotionally distant, angry and volatile, has a martyr syndrome, lacks remorse and isn't reflective. Honestly being alone is a far better deal than this abusive car wreck of a relationship. But only you can make that choice- I would realise soon before a decade has gone and you have this poisonous leech has drained your finances and you self worth.

Original poster
jones88 · 02/09/2021 22:16

there's no white knight complex going on and she does have her good points, however, since moving in with her she has been playing up massively (when she was the one that promised things would be better when living together) so if she's being portrayed in a negative light its because she is acting unreasonably towards me.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 00:09

@jones88

just be aware.... be savvy .. and don't be taken for a mug 🌸

Guiltypleasures001 · 03/09/2021 01:15

Get out now lovely before you get stuck with the bill for Xmas
She's abusing your good nature and is a chancer, kick her to the curb

BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 03/09/2021 07:11

Wow... she knows she has you trapped doesn't she!! She sent you links to a homeless shelter!!??? How utterly manipulative and crass! She's basically saying shape up and be who she wants you to be or you'll find yourself at a homeless shelter! You have given up your own home to live with this women who is going to financially and emotionally abuse you and if you don't play ball she is going to keep the threat of being kicked out at her mercy to the homeless shelter.
Please, for your own sake find some alternative accommodation or at least have a plan B at the ready (friends? Family?).
She may have agreed with paying for the shopping now but she still feels massively entitled to your wage so you'll pay in other ways (days out, takeaways etc) and I wouldn't trust she would stick by her word in the longer term.
She sounds utterly repulsive. Excluding the pretty face I am really struggling to see what you see in her! Wishing you all the best OP, keep safe and your wits about you!

Horehound · 03/09/2021 08:17

She doesn't sound very nice tbh. You do. I think you could do better.

PaterPower · 03/09/2021 08:39

I hope you’re not stuck on a “sunken costs” loop, OP (it certainly sounds as if you are).

Whatever you’ve sacrificed to move in with your GF doesn’t make your current situation worth staying in. I’ve not read your other threads, but it sounds like there’s an established pattern to her behaviour. She’s backed down on the food costs, for now, but even you’re able to see that this is unlikely to last.

Look for another place to live. If you really must keep banging your head against this particular wall then by all means carry on dating her - but do it from a place of stability and self worth.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 03/09/2021 09:22

Living together isn't working!

Stay in the relationship, or don't, but you need to live elsewhere.

ElspethFlashman · 03/09/2021 09:22

I would bet good money there is NOOOOO sex going on.

If there's a spare room in that house watch out OP, you'll be in it by the end of the year.

Then your Lodger status will be complete.

bunsnroses1 · 03/09/2021 09:46

This relationship is never going to end in your happy ever after. So you can choose to stay on the merry-go-round for a few more turns of arguments/blackmail/manipulation or you can leave now and save yourself months of bullshit. I know what I'd be doing!

Palavah · 03/09/2021 09:48

@Mintjulia

I've always done rent & bills straight down the middle, and man pays 60% grocery bill, woman pays 40% grocery bill.

However, she and her two dcs probably eat equal to what you eat, so in your case I'd just split everything 50:50.

Presumably your 60:40 split is based on salary or something, not just chromosomes?
Sakurami · 03/09/2021 10:01

She sounds vile. I don't know why you're making so much effort to be worth her! Leave her and get yourself somewhere to leave and find a nice girlfriend

Sakurami · 03/09/2021 10:01

With not worth