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Relationships

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Original poster

How to FWB situations actually arise?!

66 replies

LanternIsle · 28/08/2021 19:03

You often see FWB threads on here. Happy ones or ones that go awry.

I just wonder how do they arise?

PS. I also associate the “with benefits” aspect with American corporate employment law, so even the term kinda icy, eek? But maybe just creativity with language?

Do people meet each other (in real life? online?) and say “heh I’d like to have a casual FWB relationship with you?” Then everyone has to stick to it i.e. no further expectations or you are just breaking the contract? Is it hands-on-table, take-it-or-leave-it? Or just quietly “understood”.

I do personally find it a bit puzzling, as it would be a TOTAL passion-killer for me
for someone to say to me Hey, let’s have “an arrangement”. Even though I’ve had a fair amount of sex which started out non-comittal, it was never really casual exactly - I’ve always been looking for love or some kind of special connection really - even if it didn’t come to pass and if not it was very soon closed down … I’m 58 I should add so from a slightly different era in some ways.

Genuinely curious. Answers on a postcard ? ….

OP posts:

grapewine · 29/08/2021 11:04

@EmptySuitcase

The clue is in the words 'friends'. If they're not a pe-existing friend then they're a fuck buddy or a casual fling or whatever.

For me, to qualify as friends with benefits there has to be a pre-existing friendship that continues once the benefits have ceased to be a part of it.

Agree.

PumpkinKlNG · 29/08/2021 11:35

Not all relationships begin with casual sex, not everybody wants sex before they get to know someone but I guess that's a different topic.

Well I did use to term most As in most people do sleep with someone before they are in a committed relationship with them, so it’s easier to fall into a fwb situation than a relationship as thats what usually comes first (meeting up with someone hanging out having sex but not in a relationship)

KurtWilde · 29/08/2021 11:38

In my experience it's always been a friend with whom I've shared a mutual attraction but haven't wanted to be in a relationship with. I thought that was pretty much the gist of it for everyone?

honeybuns007 · 29/08/2021 11:43

[quote FoxgloveSummers]@honeybuns007 good question... I think I had patches with both those people where I might have considered a relationship if they’d been into it, but in reality they weren’t boyfriend material (for me, at those times) due to quite fundamental factors eg working away a lot, different interests, being totally neurotic etc haha. So by the time the FWB situation arose i wouldn’t have wanted them getting deeper feelings, no. I would NEVER enter a relationship like that with someone I was in love with or hoped would come to like me more. Or someone who I knew felt like that about me, it would be exploitative.

But also I think it worked because we did have feelings ie friendship. Genuinely liking and being kind to each other, not wanting to hurt the other, wanting the other to eventually find a happy relationship etc. When I told then FWB that I had met someone lovely etc he was incredibly sweet about it.[/quote]
So interesting. I can't imagine not developing feelings for someone I was being intimate with. Even if I knew the person was wrong for me. I think the hormones that are released through sex and intimacy would get me confused and definitely mess with my head - feelings of jealousy and ownership even if I didn't want to be in a relationship with them....low feelings as he didn't want a relationship with me...even if I didn't want one with him!! I think I would mess my head up. I wish I wasn't like this.

Dazedandconfused10 · 29/08/2021 11:47

I have a friend, turned into fwb situation for about 6 months, but would change our group dynamic too much if we dated, we are back to being just good friends. No regrets, we both care for each other and our actual friendship hasn't changed at all.

EmptySuitcase · 29/08/2021 12:12

So interesting. I can't imagine not developing feelings for someone I was being intimate with. Even if I knew the person was wrong for me. I think the hormones that are released through sex and intimacy would get me confused and definitely mess with my head - feelings of jealousy and ownership even if I didn't want to be in a relationship with them....low feelings as he didn't want a relationship with me...even if I didn't want one with him!! I think I would mess my head up. I wish I wasn't like this.

I completely understand this. That's what I meant about fwbs having none of the emotional stuff. I find them easier tbh.

NotMyCat · 29/08/2021 15:18

@honeybuns007 it was a secret when we were at school/college
Honestly? I'm usually labelled as the one men keep a secret because they don't want to be seen with me

Catcorn · 29/08/2021 18:42

I purposely went on a dating website with the intention of finding a FB/FWB as I’ve got a high sex drive. I’m no oil painting but it’s pretty easy to find a nice bloke that is good in bed just for sex and I guess, by the nature of spending a few hours a week in person or on the phone you become friends. I appreciate that this might not meet everyone’s definition of FWB as we weren’t friends initially. After spending 15 years married to one of the biggest arseholes on the planet I have no intention of getting into another relationship again. I’m not worried in the slightest that I will want more, I won’t.

glitterinmyhair · 29/08/2021 23:09

I have had many FWB situations. I met them off dating sites and it was just convenient at the time. I am still very much friends with one of the men (since 2013) however now I am single (just got out of a hellish relationship) he's slipped over now into wanting a relationship. I'm not sure though - he's a lovely man but I'm unsure ....

Palavah · 29/08/2021 23:32

@LanternIsle

oh well, I’m none the wiser!

The thing I find hard to understand about FWB is that there are limitations on outcome from the start. If a woman has the misfortune to get stronger feelings or “attached” or upset it’s ending, the replies on MN are often along the lines … well you knew it was no-strings FWB etc —so get a grip kinda thing. Or else the woman / man might sometimes l reproach themselves for developing feelings ...

So, do you always/only date people you could imagine spending the rest of your life with?

Palavah · 29/08/2021 23:38

I've never gone out looking for one and am not sure how Id go about that. Mine were

guy i met at uni, snogged drunkenly one night and he had a bit of a bee in his bonnet about me. I knew he was massively unreliable but he was straightforward about what he wanted, sexually confident when i was naive and learnt a lot.
dated for a while, i broke it off but he made it clear he was up for casual if that was on offer. He was very generous in bed and came to me so it was easy.
met through work, random night, didnt think it would go anywhere, stayed in touch, clearly not interested enough in each other with the depth to make it long term but mutual respect and plenty in common.

In all cases the sex was very good and they were v interested in making sure i had an excellent time. It never went on too long - none extended over 18 months. I don't pine after any of them, whereas i sobbed about ex-boyfriends for ages (so I'm not automatically cold-blooded).

LittleBiscuit09 · 30/08/2021 00:05

I met my guy at work 10+ years ago. He was with someone, I was with my child's father.

His relationship ended, mine broke down. He was a good friend throughout the restraining orders and tears. We started talking more, and found out some of kinks matched.

We started seeing each other, and neither wanted it to be serious. He sees other people, as do I. It's been six years now and I couldn't be happier.

ImInStealthMode · 30/08/2021 00:10

I had one for a bit before I met DP. He was someone I knew socially, a bit younger than me (), had a bit of a crush on him. Bumped into each other at the end of a night out, got chatting and invited him back for another drink. One thing led to another and it became a semi-regular thing until he met someone his own age that he wanted to focus his attention on.

Can't say it didn't sting a bit though. I'm not sure I could have that situation and not feel a bit rejected when it comes to an end for whatever reason.

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 30/08/2021 00:13

@KurtWilde

In my experience it's always been a friend with whom I've shared a mutual attraction but haven't wanted to be in a relationship with. I thought that was pretty much the gist of it for everyone?

I've never met anyone who's been mutually attracted to me who either didn't also want a relationship (or, at least, would only sleep with me because they were hopeful one would develop) or else stopped things going that far because they recognised a relationship was impossible.

Just my experience though - I do recognise there's women like yourself out there who do "casual". But none have ever thought me their type, I guess.

honeybuns007 · 30/08/2021 22:15

@LittleBiscuit09

I met my guy at work 10+ years ago. He was with someone, I was with my child's father.

His relationship ended, mine broke down. He was a good friend throughout the restraining orders and tears. We started talking more, and found out some of kinks matched.

We started seeing each other, and neither wanted it to be serious. He sees other people, as do I. It's been six years now and I couldn't be happier.

You you ever feel jealousy? Like wonder why he wants other people or whether he prefers them to you?

honeybuns007 · 30/08/2021 22:17

[quote NotMyCat]@honeybuns007 it was a secret when we were at school/college
Honestly? I'm usually labelled as the one men keep a secret because they don't want to be seen with me [/quote]
Huh? What on earth do you mean? Why would they want to keep you a secret and not be seen with you? I'm raging for you

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