How to FWB situations actually arise?!

[LanternIsle]

You often see FWB threads on here. Happy ones or ones that go awry.

I just wonder how do they arise?

PS. I also associate the “with benefits” aspect with American corporate employment law, so even the term kinda icy, eek? But maybe just creativity with language?

Do people meet each other (in real life? online?) and say “heh I’d like to have a casual FWB relationship with you?” Then everyone has to stick to it i.e. no further expectations or you are just breaking the contract? Is it hands-on-table, take-it-or-leave-it? Or just quietly “understood”.

I do personally find it a bit puzzling, as it would be a TOTAL passion-killer for me
for someone to say to me Hey, let’s have “an arrangement”. Even though I’ve had a fair amount of sex which started out non-comittal, it was never really casual exactly - I’ve always been looking for love or some kind of special connection really - even if it didn’t come to pass and if not it was very soon closed down … I’m 58 I should add so from a slightly different era in some ways.

Genuinely curious. Answers on a postcard ? ….

Not having been in this situation myself, my understanding was that it was between friends rather than strangers

Sometimes circumstance. I had a date with a guy once which led to sex. However due to moving jobs it didn't go any further. One day I ran in to him and we got chatting. I had moved jobs again and he was unhappy with his house mates. We decided to flat share together.

The first week we only had one bed so we shared one. Naturally each night we had sex. However when my bed arrived I decided that whilst I was very attracted to him it could never be a relationship. I gently explained that I thought we should stop having sex so neither of us would get hurt.

It was a tiny bit awkward when I said it but in the long term was a good move. We still retained the friendship.

It’s easier to find a fwb than a partner so I don’t really get this post, most relationships start as causal sex/fwbs until you both say you want to be exclusive/ be in a relationship/ not date others, with fwb you never progress on to that part!

Online.

Either you arrange a date knowing it’ll be sex, or you meet someone and it’s obvious you wouldn’t work as a relationship but have chemistry.

@pumpkin, not really getting you either! all the FWB posts I’ve seen tend to state there is an explicit and/or implicit agreement that things will not grow beyond that. Starting a relationship in a more ‘casual’ way as some do is not the same as FWB.

The clue is in the words 'friends'. If they're not a pe-existing friend then they're a fuck buddy or a casual fling or whatever.

For me, to qualify as friends with benefits there has to be a pre-existing friendship that continues once the benefits have ceased to be a part of it.

As for how it starts, hard to say. Just a friend you have additional chemistry with. It's just there.

To me friends with benefits is hanging out with someone having sex but no commitment and not in a relationship, that’s how most relationships start out 🤷‍♀️

And I’m not saying fwb needs to progress onto a relationship that’s not what I’m saying just that it’s easier to find a fwb than a relationship as I’m sure most men would be jumping for joy to have sex with someone without any strings

@LividLaVidaLoca

Online.

Either you arrange a date knowing it’ll be sex, or you meet someone and it’s obvious you wouldn’t work as a relationship but have chemistry.

Is that just a ONS or fling?

I don't think they truly exist. One party (usually the woman) tends to want more.

We met at school age 13. Messed about a bit, went to the same college and then the same uni. I slept with him for the first time at 17 and we were FWB for the best part of 16 years

My fwb is now living with me in a long term relationship 🙄 so I am not great at fwb, clearly 😁.

We met, we fancied eachotger but both recently ended our marriages. He was more keen than me. I fancied the arse off him.

He asked me out, I said no because I wasn't ready for dating. A few group nights out, later, I told him I would sleep with him but wasn't interested in a relationship. He agreed.

It worked great while we were both dealing with our exs. I got a few nights of great sex and when the kids were with their dad.

Where we went wrong (or right depending on the perspective) is that we started doing couple things. We would do our weekly shops in Sunday mornings together, before my kids came back. We would arrange to have dinner with friends. Or have friends over at one of ours. My best friend, his sister, used to laugh at our insistence we weren't a couple.

He met my kids on several occasions, due to us being in the same friendship group. But not as someone I was dating. Hr was also actively involved in the group where the kids hobby was. So he was involved in loads of aspects of my life.

We just fell onto a rhythm. Then I posted here because I was going to call it off, because I wanted more and couldn't bring myself to tell him. That night He turned up on the door step when my ds was ill with a gift for ds, dd and me and some food supplies. He didn't push to come in. He just checked I was OK and left.

Wise mners told me I was an idiot to end it and to have an adult converstation. We did and we have been together since. We started spending more time with us all. He moved in when we realised lockdown was coming, so he could help home school ds while I worked. And here we are.

So that's how I found a fwb and how that arrangement ended. If you definitely don't want anything more. Don't blur the boundaries, don't do anything we did 😁

Someone once asked me out in real life, and I tried to let him down gently by explaining I was too busy to date.

So he offered a FWB relationship as an alternative.

The memory of that conversation haunts me.

I guess... kudos to him for taking a chance, though?

oh well, I’m none the wiser!

The thing I find hard to understand about FWB is that there are limitations on outcome from the start. If a woman has the misfortune to get stronger feelings or “attached” or upset it’s ending, the replies on MN are often along the lines … well you knew it was no-strings FWB etc —so get a grip kinda thing. Or else the woman / man might sometimes l reproach themselves for developing feelings ...

Well that’s why I wouldn’t want a FWB as I know I would develop feelings most likely and this is going to be flamed probably but imo men are less likely to develop feelings and more likely to be able to sleep with someone without wanting more or developing feelings

Good friends, a bit flirty, found ourselves both single at the same time, neither of us wanted to jump into another relationship and we would never have been comparable long term (I wasn’t his idea of an ideal wife and he wasn’t what I wanted in a husband) so we were FWB
Lots of fun, no stress, really casual
I started dating someone else and we stopped, but stayed friends for a while.
It worked fine but the complicated part was when we got new partners, they weren’t keen on us hanging out together given our history so we started to drift apart, and ultimately that meant the end of the friendship

@LanternIsle

oh well, I’m none the wiser!

The thing I find hard to understand about FWB is that there are limitations on outcome from the start. If a woman has the misfortune to get stronger feelings or “attached” or upset it’s ending, the replies on MN are often along the lines … well you knew it was no-strings FWB etc —so get a grip kinda thing. Or else the woman / man might sometimes l reproach themselves for developing feelings ...

But that's where you need to keep a check on yourself. The minute you realise you have feelings you have to make decision. Stay and risk it or end it.

I was going to end it. Which is why I posted as I was glum that it was ending. When I posted and people asked me further questions, it was obvious he wanted more.

So my decision was to take the risk, with some encouragement from mners. However, if that covertstaoon hadn't gone the way it did, I was prepared to end it. That's where the problem with feelings causes problems. People developed feelings but are fully aware the other person definitely doesn't want anything more so they hang on. Hanging on, I tbe hope they eventually change their minds is what leads these situations to cause alot of hurt.

Not everyone can do FWB. I obviously wasnt great at it. But I was in a place where I was in a place where I was happy to walk away, so save myself more hurt.

I don't think they truly exist. One party (usually the woman) tends to want more

They do exist. I've been in a FWB situation for years and I have no desire for it to be more.

In my experience it’s either that there is something there but its not enough to overcome arrangements in real life, e.g. someone from home but studying at uni on the other side of the country. I have had relationships like that - if you’re in the same place it’s likely you’ll be having a physical relationship but it’s maybe not enough to do the long distance mooning over each other thing.

Or perhaps it’s when the physical side is there but you don’t share enough of the same interests to do all of the coupley stuff together.

It’s quite an odd setup because from my direct experience the depth of the friendship hasn’t been that great - compared with my DH who really is my best friend.

FWB is more lustful than anything else - perhaps you’re just not super compatible, and you don’t want to get into the why of that.

It can be dangerous though in terms of people getting hurt, there usually is someone who wants more than the other person.

Sometimes they just evolve naturally. I had an FWB for 10 years on and off, only saw him a few times and year and we both dated other people over that time. If we were both single at the same time we’d reconvene. Quite frankly, he was great in bed and attractive and alright to hang out with but he had lots of traits that I wasn’t too keen on and wouldn’t want in a partner. Neither of us developed any deeper feelings which is why it worked so well.

Some people just don’t want relationships in the traditional sense of progressing into living together, marriage kids etc. If you go on a date and you’re both on the same page about it not progressing beyond hanging out and sex then it’s perfectly possible to be fulfilled by that situation.

Or, it could be an existing friend you sometimes sleep with, but not very often. I’ve had that as well.

Of course there’s a possibility one party might develop feelings but that at point you discuss it and decide whether to call off the arrangement or make it more serious.

Fwb, fuck buddies, no strings are the only way I do things. I tell them at the beginning I have no intention of being exclusive. We can hang out as mates but don't expect sex everytime. If they start to develop feelings I bin them.
Over the years they have been a combo of existing friends and one of us have raised the subject when we've met.

@encorelememe I had this too. The cheek!

@LanternIsle not a direct answer to your question, because I also wonder about it, but it is prevalent because it’s very difficult for men to get regular sex, so they have invented this halfway house offering “friendship” for sex to make it more palatable than an “arrangement”. A lot of women (usually) have low confidence and think this is an audition for a relationship and if they act like a good girlfriend they would be promoted, so they carry on. Hence the millions of threads.

Of course there are many counter examples, so please don’t flame me.

My current fwb started as a friendship through work. We both left after some time but kept in touch. We met up for drinks, ended up in bed, I made it clear I didn't want a relationship, only friendship. And that was that. I've moved away now but we still text and chat every day and when I come back we always get together. It's been six years now.