How to FWB situations actually arise?!

[LanternIsle]

You often see FWB threads on here. Happy ones or ones that go awry.

I just wonder how do they arise?

PS. I also associate the “with benefits” aspect with American corporate employment law, so even the term kinda icy, eek? But maybe just creativity with language?

Do people meet each other (in real life? online?) and say “heh I’d like to have a casual FWB relationship with you?” Then everyone has to stick to it i.e. no further expectations or you are just breaking the contract? Is it hands-on-table, take-it-or-leave-it? Or just quietly “understood”.

I do personally find it a bit puzzling, as it would be a TOTAL passion-killer for me
for someone to say to me Hey, let’s have “an arrangement”. Even though I’ve had a fair amount of sex which started out non-comittal, it was never really casual exactly - I’ve always been looking for love or some kind of special connection really - even if it didn’t come to pass and if not it was very soon closed down … I’m 58 I should add so from a slightly different era in some ways.

Genuinely curious. Answers on a postcard ? ….

Yes There are myriad kinds of relationships and attractions and so forth. But I think the term FWB is particularly reductionist.

FWB is different than fuck buddy as a PP said. Fuck buddy is pretty much just sex.

I had a FWB situation with the best friend of my best friend’s partner. We spent a lot of time together over the years. Then we would sometimes continue nights out when our friends want home, which led to us going on nights out ourselves sometimes, hanging out, chatting on the phone.

We snogged a couple of times on very drunken nights out and ended up in bed at our best friends’ wedding. We did FWB on and off for about a year, taking breaks if either of us was in a romantic relationship, although we did see one another as friends during that time. It ended when he confessed feelings one night. To be fair, ai should have seen that coming. He spoke a couple of times about being able to open up to me emotionally and took me out for meals a few times which in retrospect were dates.

Another guy who wanted an FWB with me was a friend of a friend. She introduced me to him when I moved to a new city and we hung out a lot. He made a play the first time we ever went out just us and was turned down. A couple of years later he said something like “there’s always been a connection between us and I think you’re great but we’re obviously neve going to be romantic with one another, so you want to have some fun?”. I didn’t. He made a couple more plays like trying to kiss me etc so the friendship ended as I didn’t trust him anymore

Another guy was someone I knew well through environmental activism. He was not long divorced and I had a very recently broken engagement. The first time we met he said something like “You’re going to need about a year to get over that aren’t you?” about my last relationship. We hung out a lot for the next year. People thought we were a couple. We ended up flatsharing for a while. At one point he spoke about having had FWBs before and how sex had just become part of the friendship. I did love him very much but I didn’t fancy him. Friendship limped on for a bit then I relocated so we lost touch.

There have been a few other people who’ve suggested it. Guy I hung out with after a meditation class, a couple of exes.

I pretty much think hey are a bad idea. Someone always ends up wanting more and that person gets hurt.

To me a FWB is a pre existing friend you have sex with, first time often after too many drinks in a usual friend group outing, then get into a but of a pattern when you're both single but neither of you want to take it further. A lot of the scenarios I see on here seem to be either flings or casual dating.

I’m surprised people say it’s the woman that gets attached
In my experience it’s the man

They are hanging out with their friend who they love to hang out with - and did prior to the ‘benefits’
and now they are also getting those benefits

They presume a relationship with her would be the same, casual, no arguments, relaxed and lots of great sex

If she doesn’t want a relationship with him he knows this ‘perfect’ situation is temporary and he gets panicked about that and jealous of the hypothetical future man

Mine is my best friends brother 🤣 we went on a date after id recently split from my stbxh. We had sex and it was amazing but I knew he wasn't the 'one' for me. We've both mutually agreed on fwb as neither of us want anything more and casual suits us. Once or twice a week we hang out and usually have sex but sometimes it is just as friends.

The conversation that led to it wasn't really awkward, just let's just see how things go and I don't want anything serious and that was that. I've ditched him a few times over the years for someone else I was interested in for a few months whilst I've seen how its gone.

I had one that worked well. We met and started dating in the usual way but quite quickly agreed we didn’t click relationship wise. No hard feelings and agreed to stay in touch as friends but after a few weeks started sleeping together again but discussed and agreed FWB. Genuinely didn’t want any more. We used to see each other every couple of weeks or so and cook and go to bed. I then met someone I wanted a relationship with so stopped sleeping with FWB guy but still saw him and cooked. We lost touch after I had kids. Was very civilised though and look back fondly.

I did do FWB once, friends from school, few cheeky snogs at around 16, but in the sober light of day we'd both protest our mortification/blame the Jaeger. Went to different Unis but stayed good friends, we were always very close friends first and foremost and actually for years were often accused of being up to things we genuinely weren't, his girlfriends often didn't like me and vice versa. Both came out of long term relationships within about six weeks of each other and had a brilliant summer going out drinking, festivals, gigs etc at 24/25, nothing going on, often with other various friends occasionally on our own but never anything remotely romantic, talking to each other about the odd disastrous dates we'd been on. Then one night a few months later we were out and no one else showed up, a guy chatted me up I gave him my number, thought nothing of it. Friend stayed at mine as he often did due to logistics and we always shared a bed platonically, but there was an atmosphere. He made a move. We discussed the next day we were both not long out of relationships not looking to date, didn't want to ruin a friendship etc. That went on for a good 6/9 months. We've been together twelve years, married and have a DS....

Ime men want Casual sex more than women im surprised anyone would think that it’s women!

I had a friend who I’d see regularly, as in once or twice a week, and at weekends we’d have a drink or two.

After about a year of the above, one moment I was drinking, the next I was in a sweaty naked heap on the floor Then we just went on from there, occasionally having sex.

We’re still friends now, years later.

@polishthatfloor

I don't think they truly exist. One party (usually the woman) tends to want more.

I can confirm that they do exist and the woman doesn't always want more.

I wouldn't have a fwb situation with someone I had feelings for.

I had a fwb a few years ago who told me he loved me and wanted more. It got really awkward and difficult because I didn't share those feelings.

@Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc

I’m surprised people say it’s the woman that gets attached In my experience it’s the man

They are hanging out with their friend who they love to hang out with - and did prior to the ‘benefits’
and now they are also getting those benefits

They presume a relationship with her would be the same, casual, no arguments, relaxed and lots of great sex

If she doesn’t want a relationship with him he knows this ‘perfect’ situation is temporary and he gets panicked about that and jealous of the hypothetical future man

That is exactly what happened to me.

Tbh, the warning signs were there because he would say our arrangement had a shelf life and that one day I'd meet someone and fall in love and that was how it was supposed to be amd he was dreading that day. I didn't actually realise that meant he had feelings for me.

In fact, I didn't really understand it until typing this post.

I don't see him anymore. He became quite spiteful and vindictive. Which is a real shame tbh.

I met my FWB because my husband contracted him to do some essential electrical work on our house. To clarify, my husband had left me and we weren't living together.

Electrician and I hit it off immediately. We had a FWB relationship for 6 years. He was a decade younger than me and we were looking for different things so no hope of an actual relationship going forward and I didn't want one anyway. It worked brilliantly for both of us.

Nope, I never want more either. My feelings don’t live in my vagina.

I always imagine, in the case of the man, they must be younger or else emotionally unavailable in some way. Or else - especially in the case of ones met on dating sites - on the more attractive side, given how many offers women get from men for casual sex!

I've two single female friends where there's been a bit of flirting and chemistry but - given various factors - a serious relationship would never happen (distance being one of the biggest!) I'm often tempted to visit one or the other (we've talked about it) and wonder if something might happen. However, I strongly suspect any suggestion of becoming FWBs would pour a bucket of cold water on any simmering spark. Likewise, in my experience, stating your only interested in a casual relationship on OLD is more likely to put women off - again, unless your smoking hot.

I had a 10 year wax arrangement with a man who was just shit hot in the sack, but was no way boyfriend material. It was hot, it was honest and I wish to god I had maintained it. But I fell in love with another man, married him and ended up being cheated on and discarded.
I would much rather have the honest Fuvk Buddy over the man that promised me the world, but forget to add the caveat, “until someone better comes along’

My previous Fwb I met online without the intention of a FWB

The first one was my sister's pole dancing instructor and I only swiped right for laughs...loved the banter so went for drinks, great chemistry and banter ... attractive... But just not relationship material... We met up and kept talking... Just turned into Fwb. Were fwb for 3 years.

Another I met online... Met up... Great conversation and banter.. I never saw him as relationship material but a great friend and sexual chemistry... Were fwb for 6 years.

Both ended as I got into a long term relationship

I’ve had two I guess, one a friend for ages but we clearly had a weird chemistry and both being single one day decided to meet up for sex. It was alright but not amazing so petered out. The other a man I met at a party and quite fancied even though objectively he is a bit strange looking and indeed quite strange. We tried to date, but he turned out to be a total mess and basically we both knew dating would be a miserable failure. The sexual chemistry though was amazing and we met occasionally for years, often ended up fucking.

I do think some people (men and women) say yes to these arrangements as a PP said as an “audition for a relationship” and don’t realise that’s very fucked up. I’ve only ever done it where dating the person properly is out of the question. Done properly it can be incredibly fun, cheering and a real confidence boost.

@LanternIsle

oh well, I’m none the wiser!

The thing I find hard to understand about FWB is that there are limitations on outcome from the start. If a woman has the misfortune to get stronger feelings or “attached” or upset it’s ending, the replies on MN are often along the lines … well you knew it was no-strings FWB etc —so get a grip kinda thing. Or else the woman / man might sometimes l reproach themselves for developing feelings ...

I'm 57. I've had a couple of FWBs that I met online - they are friends, but we would have sex, basically. No intention of a relationship, no strings (one of mine would go through my Tinder stack with me!). Not everyone can do it though.

Met another guy with a view to the same kind of thing, but we realised we not only got on and had great sex but there was more. He's lying in bed next to me now, nearly 2 and a half years later.

@NotMyCat

We met at school age 13. Messed about a bit, went to the same college and then the same uni. I slept with him for the first time at 17 and we were FWB for the best part of 16 years

What stopped it from becoming a full relationship? You obviously liked each other and to have chemistry for 16 years, you must have had something beyond initial lust. Knowing it would never be anything more, how did the chemistry not just fade away?

@FoxgloveSummers

I’ve had two I guess, one a friend for ages but we clearly had a weird chemistry and both being single one day decided to meet up for sex. It was alright but not amazing so petered out. The other a man I met at a party and quite fancied even though objectively he is a bit strange looking and indeed quite strange. We tried to date, but he turned out to be a total mess and basically we both knew dating would be a miserable failure. The sexual chemistry though was amazing and we met occasionally for years, often ended up fucking.

I do think some people (men and women) say yes to these arrangements as a PP said as an “audition for a relationship” and don’t realise that’s very fucked up. I’ve only ever done it where dating the person properly is out of the question. Done properly it can be incredibly fun, cheering and a real confidence boost.

Does knowing the other person sees you as great for sex but not for more no erode your confidence? DO yo every struggle with thinking if you were really amazing, he/she would want more? I think I would end up like that. But then I think I suffer with being a bit needy and needing the person to be head over heels about me. I guess that just means I'm not a great candidate for a fwb arrangement!

When I had one he was my closest friend and ex fiance it worked for us, we had realised we wanted different things in a longterm relationship, still very much loved each other, but not in love, both single and dating so we decided to give it a go. It worked for us, he is still single, I’m not, so back to just friends.

@honeybuns007 good question... I think I had patches with both those people where I might have considered a relationship if they’d been into it, but in reality they weren’t boyfriend material (for me, at those times) due to quite fundamental factors eg working away a lot, different interests, being totally neurotic etc haha. So by the time the FWB situation arose i wouldn’t have wanted them getting deeper feelings, no. I would NEVER enter a relationship like that with someone I was in love with or hoped would come to like me more. Or someone who I knew felt like that about me, it would be exploitative.

But also I think it worked because we did have feelings ie friendship. Genuinely liking and being kind to each other, not wanting to hurt the other, wanting the other to eventually find a happy relationship etc. When I told then FWB that I had met someone lovely etc he was incredibly sweet about it.

Does knowing the other person sees you as great for sex but not for more no erode your confidence?

No because you view them in the exact same way!

And it's not about being 'just good enough for sex but nothing more' all it means is that you recognise you want different things from a relationship or one/both of you doesn't want a relationship at all. There's no romantic love involved. I've loved a couple of mine as friends but the thought of them for evermore as a partner? No. But you're friends that's the point. You already care about each other and treat each other with kindness and respect. Sometimes you hang out just as friends, support each other as friends, do stuff as friends. Then, if one of you is up for sex, you might flirt a bit and gauge the response. It also means that there's no sense of rejection because they're not rejecting you; they're not withholding sex because you pissed them off; they're never not in the mood because of some underlying resentment of you and vice versa. They just don't fancy sex because they're tired or just not in the mood.

I had a much younger fwb for a while. He wanted to get married and have children some day. That part of my life is over and, even if it hadn't been, I wouldn't have wanted those things with him. We weren't Intellectually matched, our interests and lifestyles were different but we got on well as friends and our sexual chemistry was amazing! I still see him occasionally now but far less often than I did. But were still friends and chat regularly.

I don't think you can be fwb with someone you've just met off a dating site or whatever though. That smacks a bit more of hoping it will turn into something one or feeling bad about not meeting someone and so making do. Neither can you have fwb with someone you have 'feelings' for because that's how people get hurt. If I developed feelings for a fwb, I'd tell them why and, if it couldn't become more, I'd end the sex part of it. But it hasn't happened yet. For me, they have to be actual friends.

I've got a female friend who has made it clear that she would also be up for adding sex to our friendship but I'm not interested. We're incredibly close friends though and it doesn't impact on our friendship. She just periodically says, "Empty? You know I would " I say I know and we carry on doing whatever we're doing. But she's not in love with me!

I suppose whether you can do them or not depends on whether you need love to have a sexual relationship with someone. I don't.

It can actually be a great way of building your confidence actually. I know that I'm far less sexually inhibited with a fwb than in a relationship because there's none of the emotional stuff tied to it.

@PumpkinKlNG

It’s easier to find a fwb than a partner so I don’t really get this post, most relationships start as causal sex/fwbs until you both say you want to be exclusive/ be in a relationship/ not date others, with fwb you never progress on to that part!

Not all relationships begin with casual sex, not everybody wants sex before they get to know someone but I guess that's a different topic.

Totally agree Empty

I did once turn a friend of a friend who I kissed on a night out into a casual thing as well, but I wouldn’t necessarily say that was FWB even though we did dinners and stuff. More of a FB maybe, our friendship wasn’t going to continue after we stopped the casual night out/sex. But that too was a great arrangement for both of us, again really fun and great company without either of us wanting more. I think of him really fondly tbh.