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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH said ‘something is missing’

131 replies

Danielle2500 · 28/08/2021 17:22

So DH dropped a bomb… we were talking about our marriage and he just said for him ‘there’s something missing’.
I asked him what he meant and he said he didn’t know what it was, couldn’t put a finger on it, but had just been feeling that something is not there.
After some questioning, the following have been revealed:

  • he’s been feeling like this for years
  • it’s not something that’s bothering him
  • he loves me and wants to carry on with the marriage

This has upset me so much, I feel like our marriage can’t be as great as I thought it was if something is missing from it :(

What do you make of this?

OP posts:
joystir59 · 28/08/2021 17:23

He has had his head turned?

Sunshinedrops85 · 28/08/2021 17:40

Maybe something to explore in therapy together?

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 28/08/2021 17:51

is he not getting enough sexytime for his liking....and hoping to scare you into bucking up your ideas?

either that or cherchez la femme

it'll be one or the other I'm afraid.

Lockheart · 28/08/2021 17:56

Do you have children? Maybe that's what he feels is missing?

SafeMove · 28/08/2021 17:59

I said something similar to my DP a few weeks back (and he has never responded in any way for my to expand on it) but I meant that passion (from him towards me) is sometimes missing. Could he mean that?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2021 18:00

Why did he say it if it’s not bothering him? How horrible and unnecessary. It’s a bit threatening, he’s now got you on edge.

Of course he’s upset you, he’s implying your marriage is sub standard and a lie and he’s held onto that for years while letting you think everything’s fine.

Now he’s said it is there anything missing for you? Anything you think has changed?

The way he’s gone about this is really shit and hurtful. What the fuck are you supposed to do with it?

BigGooseyLucy · 28/08/2021 18:02

If he can't put a finger on it how are you supposed to ?

Lockheart · 28/08/2021 18:05

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why did he say it if it’s not bothering him? How horrible and unnecessary. It’s a bit threatening, he’s now got you on edge.

Of course he’s upset you, he’s implying your marriage is sub standard and a lie and he’s held onto that for years while letting you think everything’s fine.

Now he’s said it is there anything missing for you? Anything you think has changed?

The way he’s gone about this is really shit and hurtful. What the fuck are you supposed to do with it?

Presumably he said it because he and the OP were talking about their marriage as the OP says.

I don't think it's a shit thing to say if you're having a conversation about your marriage. It's an appropriate time to raise a problem if you think there is one. Dropping it in the middle of dinner with your parents would be a shit thing to do.

Unless he's supposed to put up and shut up if he's not feeling totally happy?

TheUndoingProject · 28/08/2021 18:05

He sounds like an arse. Unless he can explain what he means and how he expects you to change it then what exactly was the point in telling you? All it has achieved is making you feel shit.

Lockheart · 28/08/2021 18:05

@BigGooseyLucy

If he can't put a finger on it how are you supposed to ?
Has he asked OP to solve it?
Original poster
Danielle2500 · 28/08/2021 18:07

No kids yet - in fact, we have just recently started trying for one, so plenty of sexytime.
We have a great marriage (or so I thought), we enjoy spending time together, have the same values and just generally have lots of fun.
It just doesn’t make sense to me…
He thinks I am overreacting and it’s not a big deal. I think it is though…

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2021 18:08

He's been feeling like this for years and he expects you to just keep muddling along as though he said nothing? 😐

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2021 18:08

I'm very sorry, but I would stop trying to have a baby.

EarthSight · 28/08/2021 18:09

it’s not something that’s bothering him

That's a stupid thing to say. I think it's highly unlikely that this is the case.

I think he's trying to tell you he's not in love with you OP, that he's unsatisfied with your marriage, that it's lost its spark, and he's probably chewing himself to bits over how to tell you. He waiting for you to lead that conversation.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 28/08/2021 18:11

in fact, we have just recently started trying for one, so plenty of sexytime.

I’d stop that. And I realise the gravity of that - I’m 24 weeks pregnant. But I wouldn’t be able to relax knowing that he thinks something is missing, even if he’s not sure what it is and feels like he can live without it for now. That’s a big risk for you to take; and he’s been hiding that from you for a long time.

Lockheart · 28/08/2021 18:11

@Danielle2500

No kids yet - in fact, we have just recently started trying for one, so plenty of sexytime. We have a great marriage (or so I thought), we enjoy spending time together, have the same values and just generally have lots of fun. It just doesn’t make sense to me… He thinks I am overreacting and it’s not a big deal. I think it is though…
If it's something that's bothering you, but not him, do you think it would be worth having a bit of couples counselling to help you work through this together?
Original poster
Danielle2500 · 28/08/2021 18:13

@EarthSight: these are good points, I actually asked him if he loved me and was just with me out of ‘inconvenience’ - he said he loves me and he really doesn’t know what this mysterious thing is that’s missing.

That’s why I am baffled, he says in his opinion we have a good marriage and he will never get anyone better than me, but yet something is missing - which is not bothering him btw.
Wtf does it mean😅

OP posts:
SprayedWithDettol · 28/08/2021 18:14

He doesn’t want children. He might be acting as though he does, but if you do get pregnant, you will be left either during pregnancy in the first few months after birth. He is laying the foundations.

Janaih · 28/08/2021 18:16

I said this to my ex husband. I was on the verge of having an affair.
What was missing and I couldn't put my finger on was that I didn't love him.

Original poster
Danielle2500 · 28/08/2021 18:16

@Lockheart yes, it actually seems as though it bothers me more than him.
I honestly don’t think he’s playing any games though.

I think I will suggest counselling as I don’t think I’m gonna be able to let this rest.

OP posts:
BigGooseyLucy · 28/08/2021 18:18

@Lockheart don't be silly

beastlyslumber · 28/08/2021 18:19

Jesus, what a shitty thing to say. I would stop trying to get pregnant until you work this out. Counselling may help to clarify things.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2021 18:22

I would be absolutely livid if I were you. What the fuck is he playing at? Does he really think you can just brush that off and continue as normal?

Original poster
Danielle2500 · 28/08/2021 18:23

@Aquamarine1029 that’s exactly what his proposal was. Just carry on as normal.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 18:24

I agree that you should stop trying for children until he's been able to identify what's 'missing' or you can be sure as shit he'll work it out when you're 37 weeks pregnant and in the most vulnerable possible position.

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