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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH said ‘something is missing’

131 replies

Danielle2500 · 28/08/2021 17:22

So DH dropped a bomb… we were talking about our marriage and he just said for him ‘there’s something missing’.
I asked him what he meant and he said he didn’t know what it was, couldn’t put a finger on it, but had just been feeling that something is not there.
After some questioning, the following have been revealed:

he’s been feeling like this for years
it’s not something that’s bothering him
he loves me and wants to carry on with the marriage

This has upset me so much, I feel like our marriage can’t be as great as I thought it was if something is missing from it :(

What do you make of this?

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 28/08/2021 23:07

@honeybuns007. I personally think this may be more accurate. A lot of men are poor at phrasing things and he may well mean that his life feels like something is missing generally. Some people simply are never satisfied about anything and imagine that a change of location/partner/job will give the that ‘completely satisfied ‘ feeling— and it very rarely does

MrsMaizel · 28/08/2021 23:58

@Candleabra

Oh dear. I would knock any baby making on the head now. It's either:

He doesn't love you and is warming you up to back out of the marriage / Trying to keep you on your toes
Or
There's another woman

(Next installment: I told you I wasn't happy and you didn't do anything to improve things)

Definitely !

FortunesFave · 29/08/2021 01:31

@joystir59

He has had his head turned?

I cannot STAND this phrase. "had his head turned' as though he's not in control of his own fucking head.

sadie9 · 29/08/2021 01:53

I'd tell him to f off. Something is missing...really?. What a shit for saying that. Who does he think he is??
Tomorrow morning tell him to pack his bags, because you have decided yes there is something missing.
So until he figures it out he can leave. Maybe you will wait, maybe you won't.
Don't let him control you with that. He's undermining you.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 29/08/2021 04:52

Could he be gay?

Maybe he's had his head turned by Nigel in Accounts.

WTF475878237NC · 29/08/2021 05:24

I think it's important to think about this in context. If you are early 30s, been together since university etc then he could be saying you've outgrown each other and he's too scared to end things... now. But he will summon the courage when the woman who makes him feel alive again comes along!

The thing about saying years is possibly him telling you it's always been missing. Or he could be re-writing history as he's starting to fall for someone else.

My last reflection is you're on the verge of the biggest and scariest commitment. It does funny things to us. Perhaps he's been overthinking things.

To be honest I think he's not consciously aware of what is going on for him, which is why I wouldn't let this rest and would insist on couples counselling.

SarahBellam · 29/08/2021 06:31

My ex felt the was something missing from our marriage. Turns out it was men. He was gay. He also knew he could do no better than me for him - we were perfect on paper and we had so much in common; similar upbringing, education, sense of humour, hobbies, job…and we had a lot of fun and 2,kids. Ultimately though, I wasn’t a man. I not suggesting yours is, but it does sound like he’s thinking about embarking on something that will give him ‘what’s missing’..

BeachDrifting · 29/08/2021 06:35

Well you should stop trying for a baby. He’s told you he’s not satisfied with your marriage. He’s “making do”. You’re the best option. Why would you want to be settled for. This isn’t great is it. How old are you both?

MsDogLady · 29/08/2021 07:20

This is terrible, Danielle. In one fell swoop he destabilized your marriage and created miles of distance between you.

His claim that he has felt this way for years speaks volumes. He has an agenda and is rewriting history. In putting you on notice that your relationship is ‘less than,’ he is setting the stage for his future exit.

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 29/08/2021 07:34

It does sound a bit like he might be preparing you for his exit but then what I don’t understand is why is he trying to have a baby with you if he sees no future.

Original poster

Danielle2500 · 29/08/2021 07:46

Thank you everyone for your replies.

A bit of context, we are early 30s, have been together for 10 years, 3 years married.
We were just chatting away in bed about marriages and relationships, so I suppose it was the ‘right’ time to say something like that.

We had a good chat yesterday, it was agreed that we would put a pause on ttc and try counselling in the first instance.
He said he absolutely doesn’t want to leave me, if the only two options were to a) live with this ‘missing something’ feeling forever b) ending the marriage, he will choose A.

Lots of comments here worth thinking about - I do hope he’s not gay!
I definitely don’t want to be someone’s ‘Meh, she’ll do’ sort of wife, and I told him that if there was a ‘good’ time to get out of this marriage, it’s now, as we don’t yet have kids or a mortgage together.

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 29/08/2021 07:54

I told him that if there was a ‘good’ time to get out of this marriage, it’s now, as we don’t yet have kids or a mortgage together.

What did he say to that?

DrSbaitso · 29/08/2021 07:55

He said he absolutely doesn’t want to leave me, if the only two options were to a) live with this ‘missing something’ feeling forever b) ending the marriage, he will choose A.

I don't like this. Did he think you would?

Candleabra · 29/08/2021 07:58

What about what you choose?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man now?

CheeseyMcCheeseface · 29/08/2021 07:58

And what about your options? You don’t have to put up with someone who’s not madly in love with you, you will need that through the young children years.

Original poster

Danielle2500 · 29/08/2021 08:00

Yes, he didn’t say it like he will make the ultimate choice irrespective of my feelings.

It was more like giving me and insight of how he feels.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 29/08/2021 08:09

Counselling is a good idea.

I think the fact he feels he can say to you “something is missing from our marriage” then in the next breathe say “just carry on as normal” is very odd. How can he seriously think it wouldn’t greatly confuse and upset you? As a PP said, it’s a cruel thing to do and he needs to explore this with a counsellor.

billy1966 · 29/08/2021 08:12

@AnyFucker

He has laid down the perfect pathway for him to leave you when he finds someone to give him the “missing” thing

And you will have been warned. Don’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t see your relationship as complete. He has one foot out the door.

This.

@AnneLovesGilbert and @Aquamarine1029 are both correct.

Awful thing to say, leave hanging and expect you to continue.

Absolutely I would take this 100% seriously.

This is really, really hard for you to hear and I totally get that.

Heartbreaking in fact.

But you are at a major point in your life where I think your head should rule your heart.

You need to protect yourself.

I believe he is dissatisfied with his life with you while obviously caring for you.

There is EVERY possibility that he will meet someone else and fall for them WITHIN his marriage to you because he isn't in love with you.

He may deny it, but this is the truth.

What he said CANNOT be unsaid.

He has been dissatisfied for years.

Believe him, protect yourself, cease trying for children.

Sally2791 · 29/08/2021 08:15

I would certainly not be happy with a partner dropping a bomb like that into a relationship, then not fully explaining themselves. It sounds like preparing a way out, or making you feel insecure and therefore trying to please him every minute of the day. Wouldn’t rule out OW lurking either.
I wouldn’t be hanging around waiting for him to make decisions- take charge of your destiny.

Doyoumind · 29/08/2021 08:20

Sorry but this really does sound like he's open to finding what's missing and if it's comes along (in the form of another woman) he'll go for it. He wants to be in a relationship. You'll do for now but if something better comes along he'll think he has the right to go for it because you're not quite the right one.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 29/08/2021 08:20

Don't we all sometimes think something is missing in our lives though? Even if that is not directly due to our relationship?
General ennui - there must be more to life than this?!

billy1966 · 29/08/2021 08:21

He would pick A....for now.

He is settling for this..... for now.

Having children is invariably hard.
It is often challenging for the best of relationships.

I wouldn't dream of taking the chance of having a child who was staying with me despite being dissatisfied.

He has one foot out the door.

Don't waste years trying to understand him.

He has been dissatisfied for years.

You are his choice for now.

YOU deserve better than this.

Be glad he has said it.
You know before it's tok late.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 29/08/2021 08:23

Could be anything,

Sex,
Fun,
Adventure,
Kids,
A 6foot blonde with big boobs,
Anything-just ask him, it’s always easier to change things before children than after.

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 29/08/2021 08:48

It’s very difficult to walk away when there are children involved. Being trapped in a marriage with kids is the worse feeling in the world. Take it from me, 15 years later and just about to go through a messy divorce. I wish I had listened to my gut at the time before having kids with DH, I was also in my early thirties and I really wanted a baby and felt that as I had invested 5/6 years into the relationship that I should go ahead despite there being some issues. I convinced myself no relationship is perfect. Obviously I wouldn’t change my kids for the world as they are my world however in hindsight there were signs that our relationship wasn’t complete. And a few things he said at the time, I should have run for the hills. But I didn’t. You still have a choice! By all means go to counselling if you think that’s going to help but you should never just settle!

Sunflowergirl1 · 29/08/2021 08:54

I think good that you have stopped TTC. You need to take a good hard look at him and your marriage but if it changes in his head back..you need to understand why

Sorry Op but I think you are hearing the warning bells

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