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Original poster

DH said ‘something is missing’

131 replies

Danielle2500 · 28/08/2021 17:22

So DH dropped a bomb… we were talking about our marriage and he just said for him ‘there’s something missing’.
I asked him what he meant and he said he didn’t know what it was, couldn’t put a finger on it, but had just been feeling that something is not there.
After some questioning, the following have been revealed:

  • he’s been feeling like this for years
  • it’s not something that’s bothering him
  • he loves me and wants to carry on with the marriage

This has upset me so much, I feel like our marriage can’t be as great as I thought it was if something is missing from it :(

What do you make of this?

OP posts:
WhoppingBigBackside · 28/08/2021 18:26

Might he be a little bit depressed? (pressure of last year and a half etc)

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2021 18:29

[quote Danielle2500]@Aquamarine1029 that’s exactly what his proposal was. Just carry on as normal.[/quote]
Tell him clearly that's just fucking ridiculous. You can't un-detonate a bomb, can you?

category12 · 28/08/2021 18:31

I'd stop TTC. If there's a problem, having a baby will find that and drive a wedge right in.

DillonPanthersTexas · 28/08/2021 18:35

He has had his head turned?

Is he on Love Island?

freeatlast2021 · 28/08/2021 18:35

Hello OP. I am very sorry that this is happening to you. Whatever he thinks by this you cannot ignore it, especially if you are trying for a child. I agree with one of the other posters, I would stop trying to get pregnant and get to the bottom of this. I think it is really good that he is being honest with you and wants to start a conversation. I would strongly suggest couples therapy and/or individual therapy. This is definitely not a good thing for the future of your relationship. Needs to be identified and dealt with if possible. You also need to be prepared that one of the options may be separation.

Hugs to you. Flowers

Queryquestion · 28/08/2021 18:38

Maybe he's just realizing life isn't a fairy tale and hasn't accepted that.

Bad of him to say it. Not helpful if it's not actually a problem. Now he has a problem.

leavesthataregreen · 28/08/2021 18:38

Is he one of those people who hasn't learned the difference between love (long term depth of feeling) and in love (short term 2 yrs max intensity of feeling? Lots of people don't value the depth of long term love and over value the intensity of being 'in love'. Ask him if he is aware of the difference and knows how to value them separately.

I'd also keep him on his toes and say things like, 'Be careful not to undervalue me, or you might lose me for good. I'm not interested in being married to someone who takes me, my love and support for them for granted.'

If in some way deep down you agree with him - just talk about having soem adventures. If life is a bit dull and you don't yet have kids - do something together that isn't dull. I think healthy happy marriages usually include joint plans, projects and adventures. The marriages that flatten out too much are ones where all the passion, energy and interest heads in different, separate directions.

Candleabra · 28/08/2021 18:41

Oh dear.
I would knock any baby making on the head now.
It's either:

He doesn't love you and is warming you up to back out of the marriage / Trying to keep you on your toes
Or
There's another woman

(Next installment: I told you I wasn't happy and you didn't do anything to improve things)

gannett · 28/08/2021 18:42

Absolutely not fair to bring this up and then be all vague and "ooh I don't know" about it. Shit or get off the pot, man.

AnyFucker · 28/08/2021 18:42

He has laid down the perfect pathway for him to leave you when he finds someone to give him the “missing” thing

And you will have been warned. Don’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t see your relationship as complete. He has one foot out the door.

Cosmos123 · 28/08/2021 18:44

His brain 🧠 is missing

mrsbitaly · 28/08/2021 18:47

I really wouldn't continue trying for a baby whilst he is feeling this way. Having a baby is hard work tiring and you have both need to be on the same page mentally, you need to be able to be a team. It can bring some people together but from my own experience even being in a good place with my husband it has tested us as we are tired and rarely have time to be us as a couple but of course I don't regret having my children I just wish we had more time to be us.

Do you get to be spontaneous or have fun much? Doing something together that makes you laugh and puts you out of your comfort zones can really bring you together.

Sometimes it's not that something is missing with YOU but more to do with the lives you lead, If it is monogamous with no excitement and your just plodding along day by day (like me) then this may be what's wrong.

I wish you both all the best, please don't let it eat you up. Maybe have another chat about how you and he feels that your relationship can feel more fulfilled.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/08/2021 18:50

What a horrendously cruel thing to say to someone. And then to expect them to shrug it off and carry on as normal.

He has broken your trust into smithereens and is comfortable and unbothered about the pain and insecurity you’re now feeling.

He sounds robotic.

ACPC · 28/08/2021 18:52

Here's what you do op, stop ttc immediately and start going out with friends more, seeing family, having fun etc then decide if you really love him or if you're happier without some twat that thinks something is 'missing'. Do not start whimpering and pandering to him or asking what's wrong with you.

cptartapp · 28/08/2021 18:53

Stop trying for a baby. When he finds what he's looking for and walks, which is coming, he won't take any DC with him.
If things aren't right now, they won't improve adding babies into the mix.

Ionlydomassiveones · 28/08/2021 18:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2021 19:00

It's seems to me he's starting The Script.

Antinerak · 28/08/2021 19:04

Stop TTC.
Find out if he's seeing someone else- has his schedule changed/work or going out patterns etc?

He's definitely starting The Script. Either he's met someone, wants an open marriage or wants out. No one would suggest something is missing if they didn't know what it was. Sorry OP

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 28/08/2021 19:05

Could it be he wants DC?

Endpress · 28/08/2021 19:09

Does he have a troubled background? Is he unsatisfied with other aspects of his life? What’s his ego like?

HairyMaryMyCanary · 28/08/2021 19:12

Goodness. Stop trying to conceive, immediately.
He's told you who he is (a man not convinced about your relationship) so believe him.
Counselling would be a waste of time and money. You're the only one interested in making it work.
@ACPC is right - that's the way forward.

Chickychickydodah · 28/08/2021 19:14

I’d seriously be talking honestly with him about your relationship before having a baby with him because something is going on.

Echobelly · 28/08/2021 19:18

I think this may be a case of a man thinking 'something is missing' is not a big, existential deal, and a woman being more likely to think 'Oh my god, this is a massive issue'. Not saying either is right or wrong approach - I suspect he genuinely thought it wasn't a big deal and it isn't meant as 'something is dreadfully wrong'. I appreciate finding it upsetting though and that it may take some time to move past.

It may be a good idea to talk about expectations of parenthood to find something that may bring you together as a unit a bit?

KateTheEighth · 28/08/2021 19:23

Stop trying for a baby

He's letting you know he's settling for you

Be in no doubt the minute someone else comes along he'll be off and he'll say "I told you that something was missing"

Elverybaby · 28/08/2021 19:30

Does he mean there is something missing in his life? What's the point of life, kind of thing?

Hate that advertisements etc promote this idea that if we have a good relationship, we will be happy & fulfilled etc etc. Yes, relationships of all kind are important, but we can't expect someone else to make us happy, we have to find that ourselves.

PS Hope it's not the script but I can see why others suspect it Hmm