Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH said ‘something is missing’

131 replies

Danielle2500 · 28/08/2021 17:22

So DH dropped a bomb… we were talking about our marriage and he just said for him ‘there’s something missing’.
I asked him what he meant and he said he didn’t know what it was, couldn’t put a finger on it, but had just been feeling that something is not there.
After some questioning, the following have been revealed:

  • he’s been feeling like this for years
  • it’s not something that’s bothering him
  • he loves me and wants to carry on with the marriage

This has upset me so much, I feel like our marriage can’t be as great as I thought it was if something is missing from it :(

What do you make of this?

OP posts:
TheFrogsAreDying · 29/08/2021 08:54

Sorry OP but one partner doesn’t express that to the other without reason, something IS missing. It could be that your DP doesn’t know what that something is yet, is it something in your relationship or really more about how he feels how his life is going and where he thinks his life should be at.

After about 10 years I did think something was missing from my life, and it was initially a vaguely bland relationship that after about another 10 years ended in divorce (wish I’d divorced earlier though). I don’t think you should be rushing into having kids right now if one partner is vaguely dissatisfied, it won’t end as a happily ever after.

Firsttimecatlady · 29/08/2021 08:59

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

Don't we all sometimes think something is missing in our lives though? Even if that is not directly due to our relationship? General ennui - there must be more to life than this?!
This is exactly what I think- if he can’t pinpoint what’s missing in the marriage, and is otherwise happy etc, I’d very much say this is likely to be something related to his own mental health. At that age, it’s possible he’s having some realizations about life, getting slightly older, accepting that it’s not “a world of possibility” like you think in your teens and twenties, and you have to come to terms with settling down to the life you’ve chosen. Doesn’t mean you’re not happy - but part of you can feel a loss, or absence- or just a bit bloody miserable for a bit. Honestly OP- sounds like this is what he could be thinking? Projecting onto the relationship??
Jumpingintosummer · 29/08/2021 09:02

@Danielle2500

Thank you everyone for your replies.

A bit of context, we are early 30s, have been together for 10 years, 3 years married.
We were just chatting away in bed about marriages and relationships, so I suppose it was the ‘right’ time to say something like that.

We had a good chat yesterday, it was agreed that we would put a pause on ttc and try counselling in the first instance.
He said he absolutely doesn’t want to leave me, if the only two options were to a) live with this ‘missing something’ feeling forever b) ending the marriage, he will choose A.

Lots of comments here worth thinking about - I do hope he’s not gay!
I definitely don’t want to be someone’s ‘Meh, she’ll do’ sort of wife, and I told him that if there was a ‘good’ time to get out of this marriage, it’s now, as we don’t yet have kids or a mortgage together.

Sadly he now believes that’s his choice… to live with something missing. It’s out there now and I truly hope you get some resolution at counselling because this would eat away at me. I would be waiting for the final I can’t live like this anymore because in his head it’s out there.
Jobsharenightmare · 29/08/2021 09:06

Given the age you got together then I think he's not able to even admit this to himself yet, but I think sadly this relationship may have run its course.

isthismylifenow · 29/08/2021 09:08

Do you feel there is something missing as well OP?

isthismylifenow · 29/08/2021 09:09

I would be going with he was OK about ttc while it was talk. Now that it had actively become a reality, he isn't all that sure it's what he wants.

Is this possible?

Butterfly44 · 29/08/2021 09:10

You can't not know "what's missing" if you mention it. He does know - he just doesn't want to say so he feigns he "can't put a finger on it". Probably because he's embarrassed to say or not sure how you would react. That's my take

onelittlefrog · 29/08/2021 09:29

@Danielle2500

Yes, he didn’t say it like he will make the ultimate choice irrespective of my feelings.

It was more like giving me and insight of how he feels.

He's not actually giving you much insight of how he feels though, is he?

He's being cryptic saying that something is missing and then not elaborating. That's really not fair on you as you are left wondering what the hell is going on.

If he can say something is missing, he can say more - he knows on some level what is going on but is too cowardly to say it. To not try to communicate is very unfair as it leaves you in a position of being uncertain about the future of your relationship whilst having a cryptic "something is not quite right" message. It's an extremely immature way of communicating - he should either have said nothing, or be willing to explore this.

In your position I would absolutely demand to get to the bottom of this, because otherwise it will just rear its head again in the future. I could not stay with something who had said something like this to me because I would constantly be on edge about the future.

I would tell him that you want to go to couple's therapy and explore what's going on, and do not TTC before this has happened.

RobinsReliant · 29/08/2021 09:33

You’ve had some good advice on this thread.

He needs to figure out what is missing.

I have been on the receiving end of this. Although he has said he would choose you and live with whatever is ‘missing’, I would treat what he says with caution. When he finds what is ‘missing’ he will behave very differently.

Press the pause button but have a deadline in your head about how long you are prepared to wait. Seek your own counselling and support. Make sure you gather your own support network around you and have a life you want to live. Think about your own hobbies and interests. Things you want to do. Of course engage with your marriage as you have done until now but don’t lose sight of your own needs and goals.

What he has said is creating a situation where your marriage could become all about him and his needs. Whatever is ‘missing’ is for him to find. Don’t make it your responsibility.

Live your life.

Tinpotspectator · 29/08/2021 10:10

Cherchez la femme.

Colourmeclear · 29/08/2021 10:23

What a terrible burden he has placed on you.

Me and my partner nearly broke up a few years ago, when trying to buy a house. He was struggling with his own feelings about life but projected them onto me and the relationship. He loved me but something was wrong. It was a horrendous time for us both but we've worked together and he's now much more aware of what is happening for him emotionally and understands his own defence mechanisms and tries to work out what is actually bothering him not what he thinks should be bothering him. Things have really changed since and we are now engaged and happier than ever.

Couples counseling sounds like a good idea but prepared for him to keep saying he doesn't know. How would that feel and what would you do if there is no resolution? Could you live with the ambiguity? He might need to work on himself too but he would need to want to be introspective. I was fortunate but your DH might be happy putting the burden on you and expecting you to somehow fix something that you have very little influence on or control over.

Onthedunes · 29/08/2021 10:24

Absolutely dump him.

You had not yet had children and this is no way to start off child rearing.
You deserve more, someone who is not afraid to commit fully, to express his unconditional love and to make you feel safe in the present and future.

Life is hard enough without having to second guess whether someone loves you or not.

For someone to say this to me, I would have already packed and gone.

nottheBBCnews · 29/08/2021 10:25

Maybe it's children that he feels will complete the family dynamics?

nottheBBCnews · 29/08/2021 10:28

Maybe a bit of early mid life crisis? Is this all there is to life?

Candleabra · 29/08/2021 10:39

You had not yet had children and this is no way to start off child rearing.

Yes I agree. Having children is wonderful, but is the hardest thing. Even strong relationships are tested. Don't underestimate how terribly vulnerable (physically and emotionally) you will be after you've given birth. You need someone who has your back utterly and completely.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/08/2021 10:44

I'm the sort of person who would reply with, if I'm not good enough for you then bugger off then.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 29/08/2021 10:45

I wouldn't be happy with that. At all.
Not one bit.

What's he missing, then? Not enough sex? Not enough blowjobs? Bigger boobs? What?

It all smacks of you're "Miss I suppose you'll do until someone better comes along".
I'd bin him before he gets worse.

Youknownothingsnow · 29/08/2021 10:45

I’m not sure I could live with that.

Maybe through further discussion you could explore it more? Make sure you communicate clearly how you feel about the words he used.

Also, I’d hold off having children if it was me.

Srtis · 29/08/2021 10:49

Something missing can be a sign of depression and the person feeling depressed doesn’t know what that is or how to find what is missing. They then start to look for answers in the person closest to them and it leads to this type of conversation. It hurts but it may be something not related at all to your marriage even though he is saying it is.

However that is only a maybe, the other reasons have been covered already.

CatherinedeBourgh · 29/08/2021 11:03

I think it’s great he can be open about it and if it were me I’d want to try to bottom it out and work on it together.

Like it or not relationships, like houses, need regular maintenance (and the occasional revamp doesn’t go amiss either).

beastlyslumber · 29/08/2021 11:36

@Danielle2500

Thank you everyone for your replies.

A bit of context, we are early 30s, have been together for 10 years, 3 years married.
We were just chatting away in bed about marriages and relationships, so I suppose it was the ‘right’ time to say something like that.

We had a good chat yesterday, it was agreed that we would put a pause on ttc and try counselling in the first instance.
He said he absolutely doesn’t want to leave me, if the only two options were to a) live with this ‘missing something’ feeling forever b) ending the marriage, he will choose A.

Lots of comments here worth thinking about - I do hope he’s not gay!
I definitely don’t want to be someone’s ‘Meh, she’ll do’ sort of wife, and I told him that if there was a ‘good’ time to get out of this marriage, it’s now, as we don’t yet have kids or a mortgage together.

This sounds like a good step forward, OP. Holding off on ttc and getting this sorted out is the best thing to do. Take your time finding a counsellor you both feel comfortable with. Recommendations are useful, if you have any friends who've been through relationship counselling. Good luck with it all Flowers
Original poster
Danielle2500 · 29/08/2021 11:36

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your thoughts.

First session of counselling is booked in in a few weeks’ time, we’ll see what that brings.

I am not prepared to walk out on him just yet, I want to discover if this is something that’s fixable - if yes, then great, if not, i will still have the option of divorce (as grim as it sounds :( )
I actually told him that he might have to get personal sessions as well if this is not resolved, he welcomed the idea and said he is more than willing to do that.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 29/08/2021 11:40

Good luck with it OP. I can’t help but feel it’s a lot of dancing around him and attending to this shit when he just deserves a sturdy “Fuck off then, you aren’t good enough for ME if you think that!” Easier said than done though.

Onthedunes · 29/08/2021 12:27

Just a warning op and I hope it doesn't apply to you.

As another poster said Cherchez la femme.

Many men are enthusiastic about councelling as a tick box exercise and to ease guilt when they have one foot out of the door.

RobinsReliant · 29/08/2021 14:26

Good luck @Danielle2500 I have been where you are now.

Please remember that if something is missing it has nothing to do with you. Something may be missing but chances are it is inside him. Not related to you at all. Please don’t compromise yourself to meet his needs. As far as you are concerned your marriage was good and sound. This is about him.