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Original poster

DH said ‘something is missing’

131 replies

Danielle2500 · 28/08/2021 17:22

So DH dropped a bomb… we were talking about our marriage and he just said for him ‘there’s something missing’.
I asked him what he meant and he said he didn’t know what it was, couldn’t put a finger on it, but had just been feeling that something is not there.
After some questioning, the following have been revealed:

  • he’s been feeling like this for years
  • it’s not something that’s bothering him
  • he loves me and wants to carry on with the marriage

This has upset me so much, I feel like our marriage can’t be as great as I thought it was if something is missing from it :(

What do you make of this?

OP posts:
Clymene · 28/08/2021 19:58

@Elverybaby

Does he mean there is something missing in his life? What's the point of life, kind of thing?

Hate that advertisements etc promote this idea that if we have a good relationship, we will be happy & fulfilled etc etc. Yes, relationships of all kind are important, but we can't expect someone else to make us happy, we have to find that ourselves.

PS Hope it's not the script but I can see why others suspect it Hmm

Why do people do this?

It's literally the first line of the OP: 'we were talking about our marriage and he just said for him ‘there’s something missing’. '

So no, he most definitely means in the marriage

Goofers · 28/08/2021 20:11

For all that he says he’s happy to carry on, he’s been feeling this way for a number of years yet has now decided to tell you? Something will have prompted this. Don’t try for a baby until you have found out what it is. Flowers

Goofers · 28/08/2021 20:11

How old are you?

Queryquestion · 28/08/2021 20:12

Don't most of us think this after watching a particular film or something? If he's the temperamental sort he could have been self indulgently musing.

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 20:18

@Queryquestion

Don't most of us think this after watching a particular film or something? If he's the temperamental sort he could have been self indulgently musing.
He said he's felt like it for years.
TakeYourFinalPosition · 28/08/2021 20:20

in his opinion we have a good marriage and he will never get anyone better than me

I think that would worry me more, to be honest. It’s now sounding like he’s settled… he’s said he loves you, he doesn’t think he’d get anyone better, but something is missing and he’s felt that way for years.

Don't most of us think this after watching a particular film or something? If he's the temperamental sort he could have been self indulgently musing.

No? I never have, at least. But if you did, surely it wouldn’t last for years?

HelloMissus · 28/08/2021 20:21

He’s telling you that you’re not the one for him.
Or that he just doesn’t rate being married full stop.

Do not have a baby with him or you’ll end up a single parent at some point, while he finds the love of his life or lives like Jack the lad.

AnnieSnap · 28/08/2021 20:21

@Queryquestion

Don't most of us think this after watching a particular film or something? If he's the temperamental sort he could have been self indulgently musing.
I don’t think most of us do, no. We may all have ‘what’s it all for’ existential moments, but not focused on our relationships unless we are already dissatisfied in some way!

I agree with other posters, don’t consider becoming pregnant until you have got to the bottom of this. If he feels ‘somethings missing’ now, how much more will he feel like that when you are pregnant and the physicality of that gets in the way of something he wants to do, or your natural pre-occupation with a new born leaves him feeling left out. The demands and lack of sleep from having a child will always put extra strain on a relationship that already has a crack or two.

HollyGrail · 28/08/2021 20:24

Well, perhaps he'll suddenly magically realise what the missing thing is if you suggest splitting up, that you'd prefer to be on your own than in half a marriage.
I think I would have to go down this route - otherwise you are just left feeling inadequate.

Clymene · 28/08/2021 20:28

He's basically just told you he's settled. You deserve better

MrsBobDylan · 28/08/2021 20:28

The bit that would really ring alarm bells for me is that he reckons he's felt this way 'for years'. It would be my guess that he is very strongly attracted to someone else and considering an affair.

He is hiding in plain sight, telling op her loves her but something has always been missing, et voila! He finds it in Laura who works in Accounts.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/08/2021 20:30

What a headfuck

The fact that he thinks he can say something like this then just carry on as normal shows an incredible lack of emotional maturity on his part
I’d get individual counselling. He should be the one suggesting couples counselling seeing he is the one with the problem that he has just dumped on you and is expecting you to solve.

Stop TTC. He is setting you up so you will do all the running round to fix the something missing. And he can do what he wants. Fuck that

honeybuns007 · 28/08/2021 20:51

Maybe it's not the marriage that is missing something but his life. Maybe he is going through some sort of dissatisfaction/'is this it' thing. He would really benefit from speaking with someone as many people have left a good relationship thinking that was the problem when it was really that they were feeling stuck in a rut with life in general and needed help to figure out how to shift things

wizzywig · 28/08/2021 21:38

@AnyFucker agree!! That way he can say "well I told you i was unhappy"

PersonaNonGarter · 28/08/2021 21:40

He’s met someone. They aren’t having an affair. Yet.

BrilloPaddy · 28/08/2021 21:43

Please stop ttc immediately. You can't have children with someone whose heart is only half in the marriage.

He's telling you he's not happy, however he's dressing it up.

SarahDarah · 28/08/2021 21:45

It's probably just the lustful stage which lasts about 2 years. People confuse these lustful feelings with love and when things settle down in long term relationships, sometimes people feel "something's missing". I wouldn't worry about it @Danielle2500...just chat to him to explain to him that's probably what it is and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the relationship, it's simply the progression of a normal adult relationship. No one can stay in that crazy honeymoon stage forever. Check out the work of Gottman Institute.

Queryquestion · 28/08/2021 21:54

Honestly, the fact that he's felt like this for years but it isn't causing problems only makes me think he is the temperamental sort who go through life never finding anything that quite matches up to the fantasy. He's obviously quite used to it and has compartmentalised the fantasy of marriage with a relationship he doesn't generally find dissatisfying.

If he's generally a down to earth, prosaic sort of person, or if this was being brought up because there were worries, I'd think differently.

However the fact that he's selfish enough to use the op as a kind of therapist and say whatever he wants to her would concern me. That kind of person is indeed likely to 'follow their heart' when others might be sensitive and committed.

I bet he doesn't know what's missing though, and never will.

DrSbaitso · 28/08/2021 22:09

What was the context of the comment?

Regularsizedrudy · 28/08/2021 22:12

I would be absolutely wounded if my Dh said this to me :(. How long have you been married?

WimpoleHat · 28/08/2021 22:13

@DrSbaitso

What was the context of the comment?
Agree - context is king here. How did you come to have this conversation in the first place?
MiaRoma · 28/08/2021 22:18

You're not overreacting

He does know what's missing

Fgs don't have a baby with this man

Try counselling but prepare yourself that the relationship will not last

CheeseyMcCheeseface · 28/08/2021 22:19

Do not have a child with this man.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 28/08/2021 22:52

Does sound like a version of the script 'I love you but I am not in love with you' etc. Whether intentional or not, in most cases it is, as a PP said, guaranteed to get you to run around frantically trying to solve the situation. I wouldn't be TTC under those circumstances.

Susannahmoody · 28/08/2021 22:54

How old are you? How old is he?

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