Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

[Laladell]

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

I hate the fact I can't tell them what the truth is

Yes you can and you must Laladell, you won't get the life you crave if you don't.

His family are manipulating you and victim blaming you, don't allow them to, make sure you tell the Police and show them the message from his brother.

Your ex has made the conscious choice to do what he has done and he has to face the consequences and take responsibility for those choices. I don't believe he will do anything to himself it's just another means of scaring and manipulating you by threatening to do so but even if he did it is still not your responsibility, it is his, his choice, he put himself in the position he is in, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Please stay strong, tell the Police everything, the whole truth it is your only chance of being free of this.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Contact women's aid. They can be great support! Have the domestic violence team from the police not been in touch yet? They can also be great help and support.

We’re your cheering squad in your pocket, love. We believe you and we believe in you.

This is how shits like him walk away from 300 unconfirmed reports of violence. They intimidate women, they scare people into dropping complaints or being unavailable when the police try and contact them. They think they and their scummy families are untouchable.... but heres the important thing. They are not. When women like you are brave and strong, and stand up for what matters, these scumbags crumble.

I'm not sure if you already know this or have been advised up thread but if you would feel safer moving away from the area you're in due to all this and are in private rented / TA / council/ housing association, as a victim of DV you would be the top of the council's (or HA) priority list to be rehoused. They would help you get out of the area.

If you get put in TA you'd still have a lot of points on council housing list. TA even better they can transfer out of area. Sorry if this isn't relevant in your situation. Just wanted to mention.

@TheChip

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Contact women's aid. They can be great support! Have the domestic violence team from the police not been in touch yet? They can also be great help and support.

Hiya dv team not been in touch. Womens aid where contacted before he was arrested but I was given the wrong case worker as she was for stalking situations so she closed the case. X

@Doomscrolling

We’re your cheering squad in your pocket, love. We believe you and we believe in you.

Thank you it realy realy realy means alot its such an uncertain and weird time atm x

Am starting to have really awful feelins of missing him now and wishing none of had happened just wish it was back to wen we was happy together it feels like this is so much for my mind to take in x

It is a lot to process. Missing him is normal, you are grieving what was. Your mind will also try and latch on to the good things and you will start thinking that things weren't so bad. It is important to remember that things were extremely bad.
Things will get easier for you

Women's aid are still there for you even just for a chat if you contact them. You don't need a case worker for a listening ear. I was on the phone to them a lot when I needed them a few years ago. Granted things may have changed since then, but I'd hope a listening ear would always be available through them. I hope you manage to have a stress free night

You miss who you thought he was not who he actually is

@GreyhoundG1rl

Leave them to it . Btw, when you say "work was useless", what exactly did you expect your company to do, exactly?

Employers have a legal duty of care towards their staff.

They should have a written policy covering harassment and detailing the process and should have followed it, not ignored the situation because they don’t want to get involved.

Before the incident that triggered it on the 16th I was doing so well better than before because I guess I had my thoughts in control didn't really have much to think about in terms of him and was able to concentrate on work and my son but now this has happened it's giving me reason to think about him all the time. Just really hard. I really feel a break from work would help me process what is going on but also works good for me as it poses a good distraction and cos I'm in my probation period it wouldn't be good for me to take time off x

@TheChip

It is a lot to process. Missing him is normal, you are grieving what was. Your mind will also try and latch on to the good things and you will start thinking that things weren't so bad. It is important to remember that things were extremely bad. Things will get easier for you

Women's aid are still there for you even just for a chat if you contact them. You don't need a case worker for a listening ear. I was on the phone to them a lot when I needed them a few years ago. Granted things may have changed since then, but I'd hope a listening ear would always be available through them. I hope you manage to have a stress free night

Thank you so much it really does mean so much xxx

When you're feeling not so strong think about your son. Remember your son needs you and you are a strong woman and mum. You and your son are a team so focus on both of you.

Thank you everyone. I feel I'm not really getting any support or understanding from work atm it's really overwhelming right now. I messaged my regional manager to call me as asked by the police yesterday but she read it and ignored it but sent an email in regards to my offices figures this morn. I just really need to speak to someone in regards to what this is doing to my mental health and concentration levels. He also still isn't suspended from the gym so he still has access to the gym I train at and also the gym I work at I don't know who to email or contact in regards to it either as the original harrasment that happened at the club wasn't dealt with. I hate that this is impacting my work life as if I don't have a job I don't really have anything. I don't know who I can talk to about it either as I thought it would be my regional manager as requested by the police but she hasn't contacted me.... everything just feels so all over the place and it really makes me feel so depressed tbh

@Laladell, in your email, did you mention that contacting her about the incident was a request from the Police? This might help you get your point across/make her take notice and action.

Are you in an Union that could support you on the work side?

FWIW, I agree that work is a good way to get some distraction from what’s going on atm.

[quote RacistAngst]@Laladell, in your email, did you mention that contacting her about the incident was a request from the Police? This might help you get your point across/make her take notice and action.

Are you in an Union that could support you on the work side?

FWIW, I agree that work is a good way to get some distraction from what’s going on atm.[/quote]
Hiya *** congratulations, you looked amazing! Would you be able to give me a call when your free please I've been told to contact you for support under the guidance of the police.

That's what I sent. I just feel I don't know what to do as this is really affecting my work life I wana be here as its distracting but also I can't concentrate and my anxiety is so bad everytime my phone goes I'm worried it's his family or police and I feel I have no one to talk to at work. This is a nightmare 😩

Hang in there.

I’m surprised the police asked you to reach out to the regional manager for support. Their role is not to provide you with mental health support. You can reach out to them to ask him to be suspended from the gym whilst the case is ongoing. For mental health support there are other options available. Sorry I may have missed it but habe you called women’s aid?

@Bluntness100

I’m surprised the police asked you to reach out to the regional manager for support. Their role is not to provide you with mental health support. You can reach out to them to ask him to be suspended from the gym whilst the case is ongoing. For mental health support there are other options available. Sorry I may have missed it but habe you called women’s aid?

I think he meant for support within the work place. He was meant to be suspended two weeks ago they said they would do it but they haven't. This means he currently has access to the gym I train at (work have told me to not attend there though unless I'm with my PT) and also has access to my place of work too. He would be able to come in unnoticed too.

Womens aid contacted me before he was arrested but it was a lady who deals with stalking and she said it wasn't that relevant to my case so said she would close it for now

@Laladell you mentioned this is a big chain, does your organisation have an occupational health dept? If not, do you have a union rep, or would you speak to HR? I can understand that a dept manager who is just focused on targets might not be thinking of the company's responsibility to support you, but an OT dept or HR dept might. I'm not suggesting HR would be caring as such - they exist to protect the organisation - but they'll know that they don't want legal ramifications if for example something were to happen on their premises.

Right, email again and copy in your regional manager’s line manager and HR on the email. Something along the lines of

“I am contacting you again with regard to my safety in the workplace. As you are aware, [abusive cockweasel’s name] is currently under police investigation following multiple instances of violent assault against me. I was advised 2 weeks ago by [company] that he would be suspended from my workplace. This still has not happened despite all employers having a legal responsibility “to protect the health, safety and welfare of their employees and other people who might be affected by their business. Employers must do whatever is reasonably practicable to achieve this.” (www.hse.gov.uk/workers/employers.htm)

The police handling the case have advised me to contact you regarding this. Please can you explain your failure to act in line with your responsibilities, and let me know how you are going to ensure my safety at work?”

I would hope he has bail conditions not to contact you etc, therefore that should include your workplace.

It's disgusting how you are being let down by your employers. Seek your HR and Headoffice for additional support.

I’d amend last paragraph to

The police handling the case have advised me to contact you regarding this. I messaged you yesterday asking you to call me to discuss this. You have read it but not done so. You have since sent me an email about office figures. Please can you respond urgently and let me know how you are going to ensure my safety at work?”

Yep, what @CornishTiger said!

Good luck - so many of us are rooting for you.