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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 28/08/2021 16:02

Report every attempt at communication to the police.

That message confirms that his family know he was violent towards you. They thought you should leave.

Don't feel sorry for any of them. They are try to blame you for staying instead of recognising he is an abusive, nasty man.

bluejelly · 28/08/2021 16:03

Stay strong OP. You can do this. Do you have someone sympathetic in real life you can talk to (not his family obviously!)

cupofdecaf · 28/08/2021 16:07

OP trying to stop witnesses giving evidence is an offence in its self. Screenshot and forward all messages and contact from his family to the police.

fakeplantsdontlookreal · 28/08/2021 16:22

OP, you are doing very well so far, and please don't let his family emotionally blackmail you into anything. This man needs to be taken off the streets before he hurts you or somebody else. You are only responsibly for yourself and your family, nobody else.

Block all contact from his family and report all incidents to the police, because harassing a witness is not allowed.

You are not doing anything wrong here, and he is 100% responsible for his own actions. If he wanted to change, he would seek help for anger management and he hasn't.

Good luck with it all.

Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 16:30

I've had a 3 missed calls off his stepdad now who's number I didn't even have saved it's causing me such anxiety 😩

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 28/08/2021 16:31

@Laladell

I've had a 3 missed calls off his stepdad now who's number I didn't even have saved it's causing me such anxiety 😩
Block the lot of them.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/08/2021 16:33

Call the police and report that you've now had multiple family members of his contacting you to attempt to intimidate / persuade you not to cooperate with the police. Please keep reporting everything as and when it happens. You poor thing Thanks

forumdonkey · 28/08/2021 16:44

Awww I understand your guilt and I have been where you are. My exh was the father of my DCs, so my actions and reporting to the police affected them too and are now lovely well balanced young men. They understand that their father was in the wrong. Don't let his family coerce and manipulate you, you have done nothing wrong.

Speak to the police and ask them to refer you to DV specialists.

Stay strong and keep in mind everything he did. That is your focus - he's a violent and dangerous person and he's hurt you badly.

forumdonkey · 28/08/2021 16:46

Just seen your update, please, please phone and report his family. Keep screenshots of the call log.

I wish I could be there for you and give you a hug. Have you got a friend who can come to see you?

bjjgirl · 28/08/2021 16:53

Any contact from his friends of family is breaching his bail, screen
Shot them, don't respond and send them
To the police

thelastgoldeneagle · 28/08/2021 17:05

God, your ex and his family are shits. You know, it might be better if your ex actually did kill himself - 300 violent incidents??? Ffs. He's lucky he's not in prison already. He deserves to be.

Op, you have done nothing wrong. Block them all and report each contact to the police. They all KNOW he's violent, yet they're protecting him?? You can't trust any of them.

Be strong, op, you can do this.

FAQs · 28/08/2021 17:06

Report the family. Have you got social services supporting you and your son?

BrilliantBetty · 28/08/2021 17:16

Change your number OP. Save yourself the headache of them calling you.

Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 17:21

The police are coming to mine to take statements it's making me wish I'd never said anything and I hate the fact I can't tell them what the truth is I know they're looking at me like I'm a bad person but he did wrong to me why can't they see that. I don't know what he's told them but everything just seems to be feeling worse and worse and I don't know what to do it all just feels so unfair. I feel like if he does do anything stupid which I feel is a possibility as he has severe depression I won't be able to deal with that. This is so messed up I just want a normal peaceful happy life I hate feeling this way 😔 everybodies messages do really help it makes me feel abit less alone at such a horrible time x

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 17:22

@forumdonkey

Just seen your update, please, please phone and report his family. Keep screenshots of the call log.

I wish I could be there for you and give you a hug. Have you got a friend who can come to see you?

Thank you so much. I don't really have many friends left after him tbh but I do have people i can ring and also get advice off. I just wish this wasn't happening x
OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/08/2021 17:23

Please speak to a good friend in real life and ask them to come around and support you.

Get a new SIM and phone number.

They are bullies and harassing you, this ex is very dangerous and the police know it.

Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 17:24

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Call the police and report that you've now had multiple family members of his contacting you to attempt to intimidate / persuade you not to cooperate with the police. Please keep reporting everything as and when it happens. You poor thing Thanks
Thank you ❤ it's really draining me emotionally now
OP posts:
TheChip · 28/08/2021 17:26

I'm glad you're pushing through even though it is so hard! You just have to remind yourself that if you didn't do this, you would still have to deal with his shit.

Either way, it's going to be stressful for you. At least this way, he is having to face the consequences of his actions.

GullyGull · 28/08/2021 17:36

Agree, keep reporting the harassment to the Police and let them deal with it. Long term think about getting your phone number changed so you can step away from the crazy.

You are a strong and wonderful person. Your actions may have just saved the life of his next girlfriend and saved your own life, ensuring your son has a mother in his life.

Stay strong and keep going. This man is dangerous and people need to be protected from him. Take strength from the fact that the Police have charged him and are taking this seriously.

woohoo54 · 28/08/2021 17:38

OP honestly I'm so proud of you. You need to do this - he's a nasty piece of work trying to manipulate you into staying silent. If you don't he could either kill you eventually or another woman.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 28/08/2021 17:46

Tell the police EVERYTHING. You need to tell the full truth. Remember, he's got a record and they know him and his behaviour. Ask them what to do about the pressure from his parents and brother. You need to stay alive for your DC. I know from experience that the abuse carries on escalating until he starts physically abusing your child too.

Justilou1 · 28/08/2021 18:16

There is no way he hasn’t behaved like this before. His family is trying to intimidate you. Make sure you let the police know that you are frightened of all of them, that you are worried they will harrass you at home or work - or worse, turn up when you are on your own.

RacistAngst · 28/08/2021 18:18

I feel like if he does do anything stupid which I feel is a possibility as he has severe depression I won't be able to deal with that

His. MH is NOT your responsibility.
He put himself in this position.

Please show everything to the Police and let them deal with it.
Don’t hope to convince his family. You won’t be able to. The more distance you have from them, the better. They are there for him. They don’t have your best interest at heart.

You have shown so much. strength on this thread. You will get through it.

BrilliantBetty · 28/08/2021 18:18

Ignore brother's message. He won't kill himself he is manipulating you. If he did kill himself it is his own fault. He could have killed you when he pushed you down the stairs and whatever else. He'd probably kill his next partner.

He is not fit to be a parent if he is violent. His child would be better off if his father gets rehabilitation and SS have a closer eye on him incase he starts bullying the kid if he isn't already.

Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 18:34

Feel super stressed. The police got the wrong date and it was actually tomorrow so I had to get up and leave work in a rush when actually it was tomorrow so will still have to leave early and they aren't being that supportive of this situation anyways and I was really hoping I could talk to someone about these missed calls and the text. God this is the worst I just want a happy normal life 😩

OP posts: