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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/08/2021 15:31

Could you also request that the police speak directly to your employer? Let the police know you aren't getting responses from work and don't feel safe and ask how they can support you in getting work to cooperate. You poor thing this is all so shit for you

Original poster

Laladell · 29/08/2021 17:37

The officer who talked to me and charged my ex emailed me today. He said he believes the family are trying to get me to change my mind, that his brother is trying to make me feel guilty and the way they are all behaving isn't fair etc etc he asked me how I was feeling and I told him, he told me he would refer me to woman's aid again and it will he the right area this time, he also suggested I go to the drs about how I feel but with the way work is with me I just don't know how I will manage it 😩 The new officer in charge is in on weds so they will be contacting me. I've also got the police visiting me tonight due to the msgs and calls. He said unfortunately there isn't a lot he can do in terms of work. My normal manager is back of AL tomorrow and honestly I am DREADING IT as he just dosent seem to understand things like these. Just the thought of him being back is giving me such severe anxiety. I really wish this wasn't happening to me right now I just don't know what to do I feel constantly sick 😭 I don't have my little boy tonight and the thought of me just being alone with all these horrible thoughts and feelings are the worst. I don't wana go to work tomorrow and see my boss but I don't wanna be at home either I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry to everyone if it seems like I am moaning I feel like I'm in such a hard place though. I used to be such a different person before I ever met him. Now he has such a hold of me I don't even know why I care for someone who has ruined me like this and I'm worried I will never get that person I was back

OP posts:

CornishTiger · 29/08/2021 18:29

The biggest thing the police can do is a DVPN. ( I know I sound like a broken record on this) then if he comes to work you can call police.

Have you filed for a non molesation order yet? You can do that without further delay. It’s all online. Pay the court to serve it.

It’s normal to feel the way you do. Have you any friends you in real life you can talk to?

ChancesAre1 · 29/08/2021 20:15

With regards to your manager and work. Are they a large company? Contact HR head office directly. You're manager probably doesn't have the know how to assist but he will make it a priority after a call from above

Verbena87 · 29/08/2021 20:45

Just sending you a hug and a massive tub of chocolate icecream.

But also, your feelings are normal. Your boss is probably only able to not get it through the sheer luck of never having been through anything half as awful - when you feel overwhelmed by them, please imagine how they’d crumble in your shoes and know you are almost certainly the stronger person.

Really good to hear the police are referring you back to women’s aid.

You don’t have to be ok during this bit, you don’t have to believe yet that you’ll find your old self again: you just have to get through it. You are right in the thick of awful trauma. The recovery stuff can and will happen in its own time - just keep breathing and feeding yourself and talking until you’ve put more time between yourself and all this shit.

Original poster

Laladell · 29/08/2021 21:36

@CornishTiger

The biggest thing the police can do is a DVPN. ( I know I sound like a broken record on this) then if he comes to work you can call police.

Have you filed for a non molesation order yet? You can do that without further delay. It’s all online. Pay the court to serve it.

It’s normal to feel the way you do. Have you any friends you in real life you can talk to?

Yeah I have about two and they are really supportive so it does help. But my mind is shattered this is taking over me. Not sure whats going on with all things like that tbh. Do you know how quick none mol takes to come through and how much?

OP posts:

Original poster

Laladell · 29/08/2021 21:40

An officer came round tonight to take details of text and calls I've received off his family. He was really nice. He could see I am struggling badly mentally and has put a referral through to my dr he thinks I need to talk to a Councillor who can give me impartial advice and help me see things clearly in terms of making a decision with a statement and court etc as the guilt and anxiety is taking over me at this point.

He also suggested doing clares law which I am in the process of right now as if I can see if he was done this previously it may help me make a decision.

My boss is back off AL tomorrow and I am absolutely dreading it. I spoke to the general manager of the club today as my ex has unpresidented access to my place of work and access to my office he stated because it's a personal matter they cant do anything however the officer stated its a criminal matter and has urged me to go to HR. I need to update my manager tomorrow but he really does not understand this and dosent really care I don't think. I'm so lost.

OP posts:

Original poster

Laladell · 29/08/2021 21:43

@ChancesAre1

I am considering this but I'm so scared as I am in my probationary period so worry the affects it will have, the officer tonight who came to me about the calls and texts suggested I go to HR. The club general manager stated they can't do anything because it's a personal manager but the officer tonight said it's more than that, it's a criminal matter x

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/08/2021 21:47

Bypass your manager, please do.

If the company HR team doesn't enforce what the police has suggested then it's not a safe place for you to work anyway.

CornishTiger · 29/08/2021 21:58

The non molesation order is free including serving the defendant with the notice and order. I thought there was a serving fee before but looks like there isn’t.

You can prepare this all yourself. You don’t need a solicitor. Witness statement to include all facts. Rights of women website which I linked earlier can help too.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence

CornishTiger · 29/08/2021 22:03

Your managers are shocking too. There are things can they do to protect you. The banning letter and of he attempts to breach it a civil injunction.

Verbena87 · 29/08/2021 22:08

If your manager ignores police advice that this is not a personal matter but a criminal one, it really should not be you worrying about being out of a job! Pretty sure they’re in breach of their legal requirement to safeguard staff.

Kneesaregood · 29/08/2021 22:37

Op if you're worried about your probationary period, going to HR will protect you MORE not less.
Sorry if this sounds cynical, but HR know that the potential tabloid headline 'Well known gym chain sacked me for being stalked at work' or 'woman attacked at work by ex after healthclub ignored police advice to ban him' is not worth it, esp if you're a good employee and there's no other reason for you to fail your probation.
HR are there to prevent (expensive) legal ramifications for the organisation, they'll jump on this in a heartbeat. In contrast, keeping you on as an employee is a nominal cost (even in normal circs, the cost of recruitment means that its only financially sound to get rid of people who are genuinely terrible at their job, not anyone who is ok/good enough/has potential)
I don't mean to imply you're not good at your job btw just trying to give some context!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/08/2021 22:47

HR are there to prevent (expensive) legal ramifications for the organisation, they'll jump on this in a heartbeat.

This, this, this. I promise OP.

TheWoleb · 29/08/2021 23:04

You are a staff member. He is a customer. He harassed you on your work premises. He has a membership to the premises so can gain access and harass you again.
Your employer has a duty of care. They are a private company and have the right to withhold services from anyone they like (as long as not discrimination).
As your employer, they must suspend the membership of a client who is harassing you. Especially now that they know about it. They're not allowing you time off so they're forcing you into a room were this man can be and telling you that you cant get away from him. If HR knew about this, they would go nuts.

CornishTiger · 30/08/2021 08:21

I hope you are okay OP. Are you working today? Are there others in work if you are?

CornishTiger · 30/08/2021 08:24

Also if that officer was telling you to do a Clare’s law then he was discreetly telling you there is stuff you need to know.

Do you know how to do one? Google your forces area and Clare’s law. Get that one today. I suspect there DV officer will then do the disclosure on Wednesday. You’ll need to show ID on Wednesday if they are so have it ready.

Are you an I phone user. Can your friend track yours? Download Hollie guard too.

Sorry you are going through this.

Magenta82 · 30/08/2021 09:10

I've just read your posts and couldn't read and run. You are doing the right thing by cooperating with the police, he is a nasty, violent dangerous man and you need people to step in and help. Also please contact HR at work, the manager is totally failing you and his duty to protect his staff. Hugs x

CorianderBee · 30/08/2021 09:55

He's a violent woman beater... let them arrest him. He chose to beat you and harm you. He's a dangerous person.

Original poster

Laladell · 30/08/2021 10:21

@CornishTiger

Also if that officer was telling you to do a Clare’s law then he was discreetly telling you there is stuff you need to know.

Are you an I phone user. Can your friend track yours? Download Hollie guard too.

Sorry you are going through this.

Hiya thank you for ur msg I really do appreciate it so much.

My manager is in at 1 and I am honestly dreading it as I feel so unsupported and that no one here really understands. I'll have to leave work a few times now as I will have to meet with new officer in charge, public protection unit, but also attend counselling as my mind is not in the correct place about making a decision in terms of what route to go down.

Will the clares law tell me just convictions or will it tell me anything in relation of do you know? They are saying it can take upto 35 days and he is on bail until 24th and I need to make a decision before then but I do think it would help me I think.

Thank u so much for ur support x

OP posts:

Funnylittlefloozie · 30/08/2021 10:28

The Clare's Law disclosure will tell you about all DV related contacts with the police, even if they didn't result in conviction. In my work, I see DV disclosures from police, and one man had pages and pages, dozens of incidents against three or four different women. None of them had ever resulted in a conviction. It was awful. He finally beat one woman so badly that the doctor at the hospital said she looked like she'd been in a road accident..... he went to prison for a VERY long time for that. He should have been behind bars long before, though.

Original poster

Laladell · 30/08/2021 17:11

So I told my boss an update on everything that's happened earlier. He's now just sat me down for my final probation review and is deliberating with a member of management on it. He said he is unhappy with my activity levels, even though last month I hit and went above my target, and this month from the 1st, he gave me and the office covid, and 2 days after I returned all this happened with my ex. I haven't had a mid probation review as I was supposed to or had a 1 to 1 like I was supposed to.... this is just the worst thing ever 😭😭😭😍

OP posts:

Original poster

Laladell · 30/08/2021 17:56

He failed my probation.

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 30/08/2021 18:15

Go higher. Your immediate Boss is a fool.

Verbena87 · 30/08/2021 18:54

Go to HR and ask for help.

If there isn’t any help I’d be seriously tempted to talk to the local press. Can’t believe the level of idiocy.

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