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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
wewereliars · 28/08/2021 11:08

Hi OP, the brother's behaviour is unacceptable, show the screen shot of his message to the police and then block him.

NONE of this is your fault, his brother trying to blame you is totally standard. What happens now is entirely on your horrible ex, not you.

Contact Womens Aid and reach out for real life support. You have taken the hardest first steps out, it's a lot to process. You've got this OP Flowers

Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 11:52

Hi everyone

I contacted the police about the messages. They want me to put a statement in tomorrow but I'm at work. The officer told me to msg my regional manager for support so I asked her to give me a call when she's free because I've been told I need support off her under the guidance of the police and she's read it and ignored it.

I was kinda leaning towards taking this to court but that msg has made me feel so guilty and its thrown me if something happened I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

I'm so stressed I can barely concentrate at work atm. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 11:54

@Alcemeg

Gosh OP, what a horrible mess you're in Flowers

His brother makes it very clear that your ex is dangerous to himself and others, and stupidly blames you for not just running away from it all. But it's not your fault. And you running away from him does not change the fact that this man is obviously a loose cannon at the best of times. 300 violent incidents?! It's only a matter of time before ... I was going to say "before he does something serious," but he already has.

Please share his brother's message with the police and ask what they can do to protect you. Flowers

Thank you🥺
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 12:05

Op, he’s not going to do anything stupid, you’re being emotionally manipulated and abused by his brother now, they are cut from the same cloth. You need to do this this man is a violent thug. If you don’t he’s going to kill someone some day. Make a statement and then leave the police to it. Sometimes, as hard as it is, you need to be brave 💐

Quartz2208 · 28/08/2021 12:32

It is clear that he has a pattern of this - and the next time he is going to seriously injure or kill someone.

It is criminal charges - simply tell the truth and then let the Police and CPS decide.

helentomelon · 28/08/2021 12:37

If he gets arrested and goes to prison he might kill himself... I'd argue that if he doesn't get arrested and go to prison he will probably kill SOMEONE ELSE.

Also, he won't kill himself. It's an empty treat designed to bully you in to submission.

I have been where you are and felt all the guilt and pressure to just let it slide. It's incredibly hard but do push forward. And get angry! Once you find the anger it will be easier to follow through

BluebellsGreenbells · 28/08/2021 13:15

This reply has been deleted

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CornishTiger · 28/08/2021 13:20

Regarding work. Time to take a period of sick leave of they aren’t supporting you and go to your HR

Justilou1 · 28/08/2021 13:24

That child will be better off without the influence of violent men like his father and uncle. You are very brave and please don’t be manipulated by these arseholes. I bet his son’s mother will be glad to see the back of him. If you don’t get support from work, get the police to pressure them. You are doing a great thing for yourself - and every other female!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/08/2021 13:25

@BluebellsGreenbells

Do you think he’d feel guilt if you killed yourself? Probably not.

I feel really cross when these people appear in the papers saying ‘he abused me too’ when they eventually get caught/kill someone ….

If only these woman reported these men earlier it would’ve been a better outcome for everyone.

When you read those stories you feel 'cross' with abused women who felt unable to report their abusers?
TheChip · 28/08/2021 13:31

Stay strong OP. Make the statement and whatever happens next is all on him. It has been his behaviour that has got him into this situation,.not yours.

As for his brother, block him. Screenshot his message and share with police. Its disgusting that he sent that to you, but no doubt he was your exes phone call!

You are not to blame for any of this. You are the victim! It is incredibly difficult leaving a relationship like this, even more so when it goes down the police and court route. It is exhausting, and every single emotion seems to be reacting all at once. But, it's a weight off your shoulders compared to the coming months or years you would have from him if you don't do anything.

You've got this!

Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 13:32

@CornishTiger

Regarding work. Time to take a period of sick leave of they aren’t supporting you and go to your HR
I was thinking this but I'm nearing the end of my probationary period so I'm sure it will/has affected it
OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 14:44

@BluebellsGreenbells

Do you think he’d feel guilt if you killed yourself? Probably not.

I feel really cross when these people appear in the papers saying ‘he abused me too’ when they eventually get caught/kill someone ….

If only these woman reported these men earlier it would’ve been a better outcome for everyone.

I have reported him... he's been charged section 18 and harrasment. This isn't easy for me at all it's having a huge impact on my mental health and my life. I'm a young single mom I just wana lead a normal happy life and be ok
OP posts:
wewereliars · 28/08/2021 14:51

S18 is a serious offence OP, well done to you for being so brave.

BluebellsGreenbells " These people" and " these women" are often terrified of the perpetrators, and have often been the victims of voilence and control lover a long period.

Reporting them is not easy, and the police response is still patchy unfortunately. Stop with the victim blaming, the OP has been very brave .

VinylCafe · 28/08/2021 14:52

His brother should have been emailing you about how your ex was wrong for beating you and that he needs counselling for his anger issues especially after 300 violent incidents. Instead the brother is putting all the blame on you saying you should have walked away (as if you would have been allowed at the time). I don't know how that logic works because he's your ex so presumably you did walk away but he's still harassing and threatening you.

Now you need to look after yourself. Block his family as they're only out to get him off the charges. They'll tell you anything to get you to back down but you know if you do, he'll still be threatening and harassing you as he'll know you'll keep backing down. Continue talking to the police and don't drop the charges.

Doomscrolling · 28/08/2021 15:07

His brother is emotionally blackmailing you. Your ex is the one making the choices - to abuse, belittle, attack, injure, bully and terrify you and who knows how many others. He won’t kill himself, that’s a threat to coerce you.

But even if (vanishingly unlikely) he did? Again, his actions, his choices are NOT your fault.

Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 15:14

I've just had a missed call off his mom I'm at work and this is really stressing me out ...

OP posts:
TheChip · 28/08/2021 15:16

Block them all. They have no reason to be trying to contact you. Block all of their numbers now, that way you won't be getting any further missed calls.
Also inform the police. The non mot should reach the family too. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this

TheChip · 28/08/2021 15:17

That came across like I'm telling you what to do, sorry that's not how I meant it.

HalzTangz · 28/08/2021 15:18

His brother is trying to force you to drop charges. Reply he brought this on himself, he chose to batter me, he had to pay for that. I'm blocking you. Please make no further attempt to contact.
Also keep the message and show the police

RandomMess · 28/08/2021 15:22

Block all his family this is indirect harassment. Please speak to national domestic violence helpline they can tell you how best to move forward.

Thanks
HalzTangz · 28/08/2021 15:22

@SarahBellam

Absolutely contact the police with the brothers message and tell them his brother is concerned that he is at risk of suicide. His mental well-being is absolutely not your concern - you need to look after yourself now. People like that never do commit suicide. It's yet another manipulation technique. Every time to get a flying monkey text or call phone the police. It is NOT your job to deal with it. Block the numbers who might call you. He is emphatically NOT your problem now.
Do this.

His brother also admits what his brother did and could call him as a witness in court. His text trying to get you to back off will ultimately help prove you are telling the truth

wewereliars · 28/08/2021 15:27

OP just block all his family , and if they keep trying to contact you tell the police.

Attempting to interfere with a witness in criminal procedings is a crime

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/08/2021 15:38

Also if you're based in the UK, you can't 'drop charges' or 'press charges' which is a great measure that has helped domestic abuse cases get to court as the police can use witness statements and evidence without an active decision from an involved party to 'press charges' or not. I've popped some info below from the CPS site to rest your mind on that a bit / let other posters know as there seems some confusion over how pressing charges works.

Before this, there was so much pressure on abused women to commit to saying yes I want to press charges when they were understandably terrified of doing so.

So while they're trying to coerce you into stopping speaking to the police, the decision as to whether he's charged or not is not in your hands at all so don't worry about making a decision re pressing charges or not as that isn't a 'thing' anymore.

Those communications from his mum and brother would count as him making indirect contact with you, I would suggest that you do as you're doing and keep sharing everything with the police without engaging at all with your ex's family / friends.

You poor thing Thanks

"There is also common misconception that complainants ‘press charges’ against perpetrators but that is not how the system works in this country.

While victims are rightly at the centre of everything we do, the CPS prosecutes on behalf of the Crown and for the good of the wider public.

That means we can prosecute domestic abusers without the support or direct involvement of victims through ‘evidence-led prosecutions’ - for example relying on witness accounts or CCTV footage"

RacistAngst · 28/08/2021 15:57

I agree with others.
Report the brother to the police as well as the risk of suicide. Your ex needs to be looked after well right Wink

And then block them. The brother, mother etc…
And if they somehow manage to speak to you, remind them of what @youvegottenminuteslynn said. Too late. It’s in the hands of the police now