Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

[Laladell]

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

He used to tell me that when I am big and as strong as him then I'm allowed to have an opinion or answer back but until then I can't say anything. An that men are stronger than women etc men are alpha and women are beta whatever that means....

Red pill nonsense.

OK, by that rationale any man bigger, stronger, more powerful than him had had right to do anything he likes to him (take his stiff, orger him around, rape him etc) and he has no say, and no rights ......

So he's be cool with that, right?

He's a dumb bastard, as well as a pathetic bull and abuser.

I don't really have many friends left anymore after being with my ex I wasn't ever really allowed to do things or see my friends it's a bit of a nightmare

Typical abuser behaviour.

You know if you are ever under pressure like that in a relationship, you're with an abuser.

Look up your friends, drop them a line, say you're sorry you fell out of touch, you were in what you now realise was an abusive relationship etc.

Incidentally it's rare (and shows how severe his attitude & behaviour is) that an abuser will outright say to a woman that he sees her as inferior, that she should he submissive, thatshe has no rights etc.

Most won't say it outright, they'll do lots of manipulation and make lots of excuses and distractions .... to get what they want without making it crystal.clear like that (partly because they know they might be heavily criticised by her family or friends or whoever she tells, that she might even be inclined to leave if she realuses just how he views her and the relationship).

Lundy bancrofts book "why does he do that" is good on.this subject.

In any case, him being so blatant in his views telling you to your face you're inferior and have no rights/less rights .... tells you a lot about him. As does his extensuve history of reports ... abd I bet a lot of stuff hasn't been reported; because women often don't report for lots of reasons.

[quote Laladell]@jozipozi31 thank u so much for ur msg xx

This is honestly the most stressful thing I've ever gone through. My mind is deffo all over the place. I do think deep down I know what I wana do now but its just doing it. I do also feel a lot of guilt still which is weird.

After my probationary period was finished early I did take it to HR, I've sent over an email with all of my concerns about the club and my time working there etc. So waiting to hear from them I guess. It is a national chain, hundreds in UK and across Europe too.

Unfortunately moving away for a while wouldn't be a an option, my son goes to school in the area and does love It and I'd hate for him not to go there I do get so nervous every time I go out or see a white van I get such bad anxiety but its just not an option especially for my little boy it wouldn't be fair on him bless him.

We don't have any contact. His bail conditions are not to contact me direct or indirect or come to my home but his family have been trying to contact me and his brother text me. My ex lives about 5 mins away away from me xx[/quote]
Regarding your job, I think it'd be best for you to have a one to one chat with your direct manager, explaining the circumstances as to why you didn't pass the probation period. Explain that once this situation improves (and you're taking steps to improve the situation), there won't be any further problems. Unfortunately, if you've been employed for less than 2 years with a company in the UK, you have little protections, aside from the protected characteristics that would be discrimination.

HR are primarily there to ensure that policy and law is followed by the company. Try and sort it out at a local level first!

Spoke to the officer in charge today he said it's hard to say if there's a good chance at court. Even though there's med records of broken ribs cos I told them I fell over. All we've really got to go by is about 15 images off different injuries on myself and threatening and abusive msgs so now I'm just thinking what is the point

You are doing the correct thing, and I think you are strong and brave, of course your going to have doubts as we all do but you are doing the right thing. I'm probably old enough to be your mother, I just want to hug you tight and tell you I'm proud of you. You will be happy I promise you you will.

@Laladell

Spoke to the officer in charge today he said it's hard to say if there's a good chance at court. Even though there's med records of broken ribs cos I told them I fell over. All we've really got to go by is about 15 images off different injuries on myself and threatening and abusive msgs so now I'm just thinking what is the point

This is why I said you need to think how you'll feel if you win or lose. Courts are notoriously unpredictable and you can never be assured how things will turn out. Winning does not always bring the resolution you think it will. But at the same time, losing doesn't mean that you'll feel dreadful. Sometimes, just standing up and saying your piece and having people forced to listen to you, can make you feel empowered. It gives you the ability to look at your tormentor and say, regardless of the court, I will stand my ground and you won't defeat me. But going to court doesn't always sort out the problem. You need to seriously think where you hope to be after this matter is resolved and think whether going to court will enable that or not. The consequence of the outcome is yours to live with, not anyone else's, do what's right for you.

I'd have thought 15 images of injuries as well as threatening messages is quite a lot of evidence! -although I understand you can never tell which way courts are will go.

I think most people going through all of this will need support, whether they go to court or not. I hope you can get a IDVA supporter to help you through it all.

"I think most people going through all of this will need support, whether they go to court or not. I hope you can get a IDVA supporter to help you through it all."

Very much yes to this. And these days if you do go to court, I think you'll find there will be a lot of support given to you. Things have moved on massively and are improving all the time.

I’ve read through this because I can’t sleep tonight. I can’t believe what you have gone through! You must be at breaking point

You are absolutely doing the right thing. They’re looking to wear you down so that you drop it, but you’ve started it now, stopping it isn’t going to make you safer. And in many ways you’re doing it not just for you, but for the next poor woman he decides to prey on. He’s a nasty piece of work and none of this is your fault.

I’m beyond appalled by your work too. I’m not entirely sure they’ve acted legally because usually you can’t just fail someone’s probation without performance management. It seems you are in a sales role with the target driven nature. And I’m guessing you work for one of the big chains who generally treat their staff like shit (not going to name the one I think in case it gives you grief). It’s utterly appalling that they wouldn’t ban a member for threatening another member (because at the time of the event you were using the facilities). But they should not tolerate that treatment or staff either.

On behalf of all women who suffer at the hands of violent and aggressive men, thank you for pursuing this.

@Mintyt

You are doing the correct thing, and I think you are strong and brave, of course your going to have doubts as we all do but you are doing the right thing. I'm probably old enough to be your mother, I just want to hug you tight and tell you I'm proud of you. You will be happy I promise you you will.

Thank you 🥺xx

@Millicentsparty I know. I guess I just didn't want him to get away with the things he's done I don't see how it's fair and I know if I didn't try I'd probably end up regretting it and I already have so many regrets and there's so many things and feelings I didn't pay attention to in that relationship anyway.

@Autumnally thank you ❤ it means so much I feel so drained an emotional atm just had enough xxxx

Really struggling today. My son went back to school today and with no work anymore it's really hard to keep distracted. All I can think about is him and this situation. It's do depression. I don't know what to do

When I need to distract myself from thinking, I like to get my camera out or my phone, and find funky things to photograph. Like bubbles...so I'd make bubbles in the sink, or with a bit of water and oil etc.
Insects. A close up of leaves. It takes my mind off things and helps me stay in the present.

I also try and befriend wildlife, like birds and squirrels. I achieved the squirrel one, but not the birds yet. I passed so much time with the squirrels that I didn't even realise I had went hours without thinking about what i no longer wanted to think about. Then I distracted myself again later on by looking at the photos I had taken of the squirrels.

There is also scrapbooking which is very time and mind consuming. A great one to start with could be going back to your own childhood, if you did it. Where you'd grab catalogues and pick out your ideal home and what you'd have in it. Just snip them out and stick them in a book lol.

Or whatever else you have found to previously occupy your mind.

Cleaning skirting boards and door frames are another good one. Picture yourself scrubbing the thoughts away.

Many years ago on mumsnet, someone told me something. It was when I was with a very nasty man and too tired and defeated to see how to get out from under it. So I’m telling you this too, I hope it helps

When you are in hell, KEEP WALKING… if you stop now, you’re stopping in hell. You’ve got to keep those feet moving to get to the other side, and believe me, THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE, a brighter side where all this is behind you.

Take care and be very gentle with yourself, you deserve some love and kindness, and that starts with yourself, as you’re a bit thin on the ground with others at the mo… it won’t be forever though, I’m sure.

@TheChip thank you. I ended up barely doing anything just slept ALOT which has annoyed me as I hate feeling like I've missed a day. Spoke to womens aid, spoke to the ncdv about getting a non mol and also spoke to victim support for my force who were quite helpful and have directed me to my local women's aid who I need to call but after 3 hours on the phone today I feel so drained.

I really need to rejoin a gym as training is a big part of my life and really helps with my mental health but my big concern my ex would be at one of the local gyms as he more than likely would of left my old gym now so could be anywhere and the paranoia of generally bumping into him is bad enough as it is anyways its such a nightmare 😩

I'm going to go to my dad's tomorrow and update my cv so I can start to look for work too which will hopefully give me something to work towards.

Im really starting to feel like I want to give a statement and take this to court but I'm so soooooo scared about the whole process.

Just feel so empty atm

Delurking just to let you know that I am in awe of your courage. I have no doubt you will get through this stronger
I am not very sporty so this may be a bit easy for you but I love this Youtube workout. The channel has loads of other fin workouts too

If you feel lthat going to court is going to help you deal with your situation, do it. You will be given support. It's always scary giving evidence. I used to do it as part of my job and I still used to get nervous. But you have right on your side. Just keep calm and tell the truth. Write out everything that you remember before giving your statement. You'll think of things in the middle of the night, so jot them down. It's easy yo forget when you're talking to the police. Ask to keep a copy of your statement.
You've been through a lot and come out of the other side. You are strong enough to do this. Make his life uncomfortable.

what an appalling situation ...

from your Company.. from Womens Aid .. from your Dad telling you to drop the case.. to His family harassing and threatening you.. and nobody is genuinely supporting you ... nobody .. its so so awful..

So... you lost your job... take that further as previous posts have recommended.. write down everything dates times etc .. if you get nowhere with HR take it further and tell them you are taking it further... go legal

His fear of being charged and jailed and threatening suicide ... is interesting... so he's done this many times before and obviously gotten away with it..

Stop this bully...

Find your inner strength and take this man to Court where he absolutely deserves to be...

I hope and pray you find the strength to stop this man hurting and destroying any more women.. 🌸

@tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict oh no thank you so much. I'm at the point where any help I can get about anything is amazing to me x

@Millicentsparty honestly I'm so scared! In the week it was more of a battle of feeling guilty about him getting into shit (sounds rly daft I know) but now I'm just scared about all of it. Victim support told me my local woman's aid would be really helpful throughout. It just all feels surreal now but I just have a constant fear that if I don't do this I might regret not doing it and I really don't wana live my life that way. I've already suffered so much at the hands of him and I know I'm in no way close to healing yet. I just want to try I'm just shitting myself 😫 gonna give my local woman's aid a phone tomorrow, I've spoke to so many people on the phone today about my situation and I've found its just consumed me. But tomorrow's a new day I guess

I just wanted to say that you are fucking fantastic Dell .

I suspect you don't hear it enough, but you are. I know what you mean about losing a day, but don't look at it that way: you didn't lose a day, you gave your body and mind a wee break. Stress is exhausting - sleep can be a bloody helpful thing, if your body wants sleep then take it.

You are doing so well.

Have you considered getting a new phone number? Might help with the Cunt's family trying to bother you.

Yes definitely change your number now .. 🌸

@Laladell

You're more than welcome 😘

Ok so I know something too about the police process. They of course want the best for you and to protect and help you, but it's all a bit imperfect, and the lack of continuity and weird hours don't help.

Add to that the horrific feeling of going one minute lying next to someone or at least having a lingering feeling of love, to being almost pushed into signing on the dotted line to trash their life and that of their kid, plus the pressure from their family and everyone hating you. And it's like, either you do that, or you live forever in fear. Omg.

No. It's not fair. Just like it's not fair if a lorry crashes into you or you get cancer. BUT a lot of what you're dealing with IS possible to change. You CAN have control. Broken leg - no. Where and how you live your life - yes. You still do have control over that.

Let's think about solutions. You want a world where he doesn't exist. You let go of all the familiar ties, his family, his kid, your job, etc. I don't know how old you are, or your son, but - life goes in eras. This era with this guy - it needs to come to a very abrupt end.

In an ideal world - he's got his freedom, his kid, his family have him. (So you don't feel bad) (not that you should, but you do) And he's just a distant memory and you never see him or them again.

I know you're set where you are, and your son is happy. But really. Think about it. If you move away, you can give the family one message: I'm going, and I never want to see or hear from him again. And you go. You start a new era.

Abroad? Another part of the country? Anywhere.

Think about the pros. List them. You need to break out of that bad world. There's so much waiting for you outside.

As for now having your whole time taken up with getting him put away - part of me would just think f him, he's had enough of my attention, and go.

Just checking in to make sure your ok, your stronger than you think. How was your little boys day back at school