Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

[Laladell]

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

I have been following you from the beginning and I am so proud of you for speaking to the police and pressing charges. I know how difficult that part is. Also the family pressure bit. (My situation wasn’t DV, but same process.) Why women who are victims like this are always victimized as a result of demanding a safe, happy life - which you ARE legally entitled to, btw, is beyond me. I think when you write to HR, please specifically spell out that your manager failed in their duty of care to provide you with a safe workplace, failed to comply with legal health requirements, failed to comply with HR policies re probationary requirements, etc… I think you will get a new job in the company pretty soon or a payout. They have screwed up. Mention that you have spoken to a solicitor if you need to.

This reads like a text book case of woman found critically injured then it turns out the police had repeated involvement leading up to the incident. I know this is hard but p!ease try to make a decisive stand sooner rather than later. Perhaps explore why you feel guilty? You say his mum loved you but clearly not as much as she loves her violent abusive son if she's working as a team with her partner and her other son to pressurise you to be quiet. They are all interfering with the victim of a crime and should all be spoken to by the police and told to back off.

Oh, just seen his brother victim blaming about how it's your own fault because you kept going back for more. Sounds like a classy family.

I really think I'm leaning towards taking this to court. I think I feel like if I don't do it I'll regret it. I know it sounds horrible but I kinda want him to suffer for what he has done to me as a person.

I've also made a referral to NCDV today to so hopefuly I'll get some more support.

The whole court thing just seems so so stressful though and I'm scared about it too it's gonna be so hard.

He's banking on you (and the previous) for not following through. You can get support in the court through a Mackenzie (sp?) friend.

Don't let all what's happened be wasted - make him accountable for what he's done.

Here's my worry for you hun, and I'm really concerned about this..... a great many women who do end up seriously injured or killed by a deranged ex suffered just as much harassment and abuse as you have but we're too indecisive when they had the chance to make a police statement. You're a young mum, don't be a tragic statistic. Even if he's not deranged enough to cause you serious harm he still needs to know that his behaviour needs to stop x

Don't the police pass this on now anyway, whether the victim makes a statement or not? I'm sure they took the decisions out of the victims hands due to the manipulation they are all under.

If that is the case, then you might as well go for it and be a part of it with a feeling of some control on it, rather than just letting it happen behind the scenes kind of thing.

I'm glad you've made a referral for extra support. Also no, it doesn't sound horrible that you want him to suffer. He deserves to face the consequences of his actions.

@TheChip

Don't the police pass this on now anyway, whether the victim makes a statement or not? I'm sure they took the decisions out of the victims hands due to the manipulation they are all under.

If that is the case, then you might as well go for it and be a part of it with a feeling of some control on it, rather than just letting it happen behind the scenes kind of thing.

I'm glad you've made a referral for extra support. Also no, it doesn't sound horrible that you want him to suffer. He deserves to face the consequences of his actions.

It depends on evidence really. After speaking to a police officer who visited me today she says its rare it does go to a victimless prosecution best person to see what my chances are of him being charged at court is my officer in charge but when he made contact with me today a police officer showed up to talk to me so couldn't speak much to him. But the investigator who interviewed him did recommend that I put in a witness statement.

It all really does feel so scary tbh I know I wouldn't have to see him etc but crown court is a daunting place and I've seen first hand what it's like and I'm so scared at being ripped to shreds 😩 but then at the same time I don't see why he should just get to be free and not be punished for what I have had to ensure. My dad's saying its not a good idea and it's going to be more stressful for me and I should just move on.. which again puts doubt in my mind

Have the police talked to you about getting you an IDVA -independent domestic violence advocate?

I don’t have personal experience of them, but I think any victim of abuse can get one who will help you through the whole process, from offering safety advice and general individual support to supporting you through the whole court process?

If they haven't, I think you can get one yourself, there are various organisations and charities that offer them

Refuge:
www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/our-services/independent-advocates/

Victim Support:
www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/

I think working with the police and hoping they can nail the little shit would be such a strong thing to do, not just for yourself but also for the next woman, and the next and so on that he would continue to treat like this, if there is never anyone making him face the consequences of his actions.

And you sound like such a good person I think we all here are hoping to see you get justice😊 But having said that, I can absolutely understand that it seems overwhelming. I think it is for everyone, which is why the victim support services have been set up. Worth giving them a ring to ask if they can help.

You need to think about why you want him prosecuted. What do you hope to get out if it? How you would feel if you dropped it and how you would you feel if you proceeded and won or indeed lost. It will be stressful and taking a case for revenge is not always as satisfying as you think. BUT on the other hand you have been treated badly and maybe he should be held accountable for that. Maybe that would help build your self confidence in standing up to him. And there is a lot more support going through court cases than there has been in the past. Giving evidence is always uncomfortable, but as long as you are straight in your head what happened, you should be able to keep to your story and the judge (or jury) will be able to see the truth. It really comes back to what I said at the start. How do you want your life yo be from now on, and are you more likely to get that life by prosecuting or not?

If your message to the regional manager is how you have been communicating with your work I think you are being too vague.

You need to be specific. You are a domestic abuse victim. You are pursuing this with the police after your ex threatened you at your workplace and continued to threaten you through messages. You requested his membership be suspended due to his actions. Your absences from work this month are due to needing to work with the police to obtain protection orders for yourself. Prior to this, your performance has met targets and at no point were you advised that there was an issue with your performance. As far as you can see, your dismissal is due to being a victim of domestic violence and needing to take action to protect yourself due to an issue in your workplace for which they are yet to take action. You are prepared to take this to an employment lawyer and pursue further.

I just wish I wasn't going through all of this I have been questioning myself all day today what have I ever done so bad in life to deserve this to happen to me I just want a nice life

I know exactly how you feel.

I copied a few things you've said as I totally understand.

I think it's really hard that everything in your life has become all wobbly and uncertain and like it's an emergency every day during this moment now of facing the reality that what he's done and is doing can't just be calmed down and pushed under the carpet. But hang on in there. This is happening now so that one day very soon everything can be genuinely ok and safe and you can have your normal, happy life, with you in control. Free from fear.

After the kind of attacks you've been through, we all have the instinct to snuggle down under the covers and go to sleep and hope it will all have gone away when we wake up. It's natural self-protection. If there's been a shock and a very frightening crisis, like recently at the club, then after that you just want everything to go back to normal.

I also understand your deep worry about going to court, going through all this, and him being sent to prison. It's not just the awful humiliation and exposure of having to talk about it all publicly. It's having that being your life. That this has happened. And him being in prison and blaming you. It seems too big a responsibility, taking away his business, his home, his money, his freedom, his life. But remember: this is his responsibility. He has done this. He has destroyed his own life. By bullying you and thinking he can get away with it. And he actually can't. Of course he can't. What is he bloody thinking?

But this isn't the real reason why you're faltering and not just pressing the button.

I know why you want the club staff to bring the charges. And I know what pulls you back from telling everyone everything he's done.

You are absolutely terrified. I completely understand this fear. And unfortunately it is very real, and justified. That's why this has to be stopped.

You've spent day after day trying to avoid making him cross. To keep yourself safe. So how cross will he be if you bring the police down on him and get him put away? And what about when he comes out?

I also totally agree that the club should be the ones to do it. And surely the hospital should have raised concerns with the two black eyes?? (poor you 😔💐)

Ok. So. Let's sort this awful mess out. Because you're right. You so don't deserve this. Nobody does. This needs swift, strong, certain action to end this rubbish ASAP.

I agree with your dad that the pressure and stress on you of leading the charges would be best avoided. But I also know this guy has to be brought down. He is way way off pitch if he thinks he can openly abuse and threaten you in public and on CCTV. He's given you black eyes and nobody's pulled him up. Now he's doing what he likes. As he's said, nobody will do anything. It's 'his' club. He thinks he's the king.

You need an intermediary here who gets the club to raise the alarm, and possibly the hospital or whoever has the records of your black eyes. People need to step in here and take over.

He needs to be put right in his place. And they can then also give him a restraining order so he can't contact it approach you.

This will sound also a bog thing but have you thought of moving right away for a time?

He needs to have zero contact with you. Others have enough to bring a prosecution. And you need the support of someone helping to get the club snd whoever else on side.

Yes I thought too that this is the sort of thing Women's Aid should do. Maybe try them again.

Otherwise PM me and I'll work out how to get the club doing its job. If it's a national chain, you have more options to insist on action. You can go higher up the chain.

You also need someone to help you have more of a discussion about the exact options for prosecution and your level of involvement.

Just take a deep breath. This will get sorted. He will get dealt with. Whatever that means. You need a long term forever solution that means you're the last person he'd ever go anywhere near.

TBH HE needs scaring. You're not being a vicious ex. You're being a totally innocent victim trying to escape from a violent attacker, bless you.

Are you in contact with him? Does he call you, etc? Does he live near? What is currently holding you together? Why is he still around?

Sorry for typos.

It's a BIG thing to move right away.

@Millicentsparty

You need to think about why you want him prosecuted. What do you hope to get out if it? How you would feel if you dropped it and how you would you feel if you proceeded and won or indeed lost. It will be stressful and taking a case for revenge is not always as satisfying as you think. BUT on the other hand you have been treated badly and maybe he should be held accountable for that. Maybe that would help build your self confidence in standing up to him. And there is a lot more support going through court cases than there has been in the past. Giving evidence is always uncomfortable, but as long as you are straight in your head what happened, you should be able to keep to your story and the judge (or jury) will be able to see the truth. It really comes back to what I said at the start. How do you want your life yo be from now on, and are you more likely to get that life by prosecuting or not?

Like I said before I don't see why I should suffer the way I am and he should be able to walk free and be happy after doing such terrible messed up things to me. I feel like I will regret it if I don't and I already regret alot about this relationship believe me its changed me as a person. I'm not the same person as I was before. I just want closure but everything is so scary for me right now to. I don't wana run and take the easy option because I don't deserve that an neither does he but the same time I'm petrified

@jozipozi31 thank u so much for ur msg xx

This is honestly the most stressful thing I've ever gone through. My mind is deffo all over the place. I do think deep down I know what I wana do now but its just doing it. I do also feel a lot of guilt still which is weird.

After my probationary period was finished early I did take it to HR, I've sent over an email with all of my concerns about the club and my time working there etc. So waiting to hear from them I guess. It is a national chain, hundreds in UK and across Europe too.

Unfortunately moving away for a while wouldn't be a an option, my son goes to school in the area and does love It and I'd hate for him not to go there I do get so nervous every time I go out or see a white van I get such bad anxiety but its just not an option especially for my little boy it wouldn't be fair on him bless him.

We don't have any contact. His bail conditions are not to contact me direct or indirect or come to my home but his family have been trying to contact me and his brother text me. My ex lives about 5 mins away away from me xx

But he is contacting you indirectly through his family. Have you told the police that?

Because this horrible excuse for a human has been repeatedly enabled by his family - and had his behaviour excused (probably since he was little), he doesn’t see women as people. To him, women are bodies with hands and holes designed to meet his needs. He won’t change. He will always know the words to say to make it appear that he is contrite and understands that what he has done is wrong, but in the moment, his need for instant gratification will always override any logic or control. Ultimately, he enjoys feeling powerful - either by having other men jealous of the good looking “thing” that adores and worships him, or by abusing her when that stops.

@SnatchCassidy

But he is contacting you indirectly through his family. Have you told the police that?

Yes they are aware.

His brother messaged me the day evening my ex was let out of custody guilt tripping me into dropping charges.

And his family gave tried to call me even though they are blocked they still keep trying to ring.

Police are saying because they can't proove what they want when they call there is nothing I/they can do

@Justilou1

Because this horrible excuse for a human has been repeatedly enabled by his family - and had his behaviour excused (probably since he was little), he doesn’t see women as people. To him, women are bodies with hands and holes designed to meet his needs. He won’t change. He will always know the words to say to make it appear that he is contrite and understands that what he has done is wrong, but in the moment, his need for instant gratification will always override any logic or control. Ultimately, he enjoys feeling powerful - either by having other men jealous of the good looking “thing” that adores and worships him, or by abusing her when that stops.

He used to tell me that when I am big and as strong as him then I'm allowed to have an opinion or answer back but until then I can't say anything. An that men are stronger than women etc men are alpha and women are beta whatever that means....

I'm an IDVA, maybe I can help.

First of all, police may not make a disclosure under Clare's Law if they deem that you already know what he's like. The aim is to help you make a decision about a relationship, and if it's clear that you are already aware he's abusive and the relationship is over, they may decide not to disclose. The only time I've seen police disclose under these circumstances is if the abuser has significant past history of abuse and they are keen for you to report so they can build a case.

A non-molestation order is free and easy to apply for. You can use an organisation like DV Assist to do this, but bear in mind they only really take cases where you are likely to get legal aid. They will also only take cases that look cut-and-dried, but this one definitely would fit their criteria if he's contacted you in the past couple of weeks. An injunction can be extended to third parties too so can cover his family. A non-molestation order is better than police bail. If DV Assist or NCDV won't help for whatever reason, it's fine, you can apply yourself direct to the court. Let me know if you want the links to help you do this. It's a useful recourse as you can do it yourself, whereas as DVPO or SPO relies on the police to apply (and they don't seem to much like doing it).

Try not to feel guilty about reporting him, and looking like the 'bitter ex' as you say. You were assaulted multiple times. You're not bitter, you're rightfully angry. Put it this way - it's REALLY REALLY EASY not to assault someone. It actually takes a bit of effort to do it. He made that choice, it would have been easier for him not to do it. Actions have consequences. Don't assault someone if it's vitally important you don't end up having your collar felt. Why all the onus on you to protect him?

Also, your employers are a disgrace. Do they need to be reminded about Clare Bernal and Hollie Gazzard? I'm pretty sure that Clare Bernal's domestic homicide review at least had some very clear guidelines about employers' responsibilities. If your case met the threshold for MARAC (likely), the police would be getting in touch with them themselves with an action plan. A good caseworker could liaise with them on your behalf.

Lastly, Women's Aid should not have closed your case because you were referred into the wrong service, they may have closed your case to the stalking team, but ought to have referred you to the IDVA team instead. You can self-refer back in. Don't wait for the police to do it.

This is a predictable misogynist/incel rhetoric script. I hope you make notes and report his to the police and your counsellor. That kind of language comes from somewhere. I hope they take his computer.

Makes you wonder what it would take for them to stop coddling the violent bastard. Murder?

Oh that'd somehow be the murder victims fault too. She should have left, right.

The few posters who mentioned anger management and anger issues ..... stop.

That's a cliche; he's unlikely unlikely have anger issues with people bigger, stronger, more dangerous than him, people who have power over him .... he likely only has "anger" issues with people smaller & weaker than him, who he wants to control.

It's not anger, it's his values. He believes 100% he is superior to, abd had the right to.dominate and control anyone physucally weaker than than. He believes women (and kids) are inferior and he has more rights than them.

He's even come out and said it straight.

That's not anger, or if it is, its rage because women aren't doing what he expects then to; obey him an act submissive towards him in every way. He clearly sees them as his possession; hence ops lack of right to wear a bikini, presumably presumably a pool, in hot conditions ... After they've finished abdvare no longer even partners (not that he'd have the right to veto a bikini when they were together).

Given his attitude and what he said, I'd worry for his child too.

He has a values issue, not an anger issue.

And his values are hard wired by this point.

Oh and op "got in his face".

Apparently about 300 other people (all women?) got in his face too .... that's a lot of people getting in his face.

Strange given him being so physically powerful and superior etc that that couldn't gotten away from them/put them aside and left, without strangling, throwing, beating etc.

The poor guy really does seem.to suffer from a lot of people getting in his face repeatedly, doesn't he.

This bloke sounds like a murderer statistic waiting to happen. He needs prosecuted.

Op you have done absolutely the right thing, you are helping other women massively.

I'm sorry your workplace are such a shower of shits. You have rights in that regard.

*sorry, I should point out that the 300 reports are obviously likely to be from less than 300 people, but that's still a huge number of people, and incidents.

As for hid fkg brother!

If he knew he has a history of violence and domestic abuse; why didn't he speak to op when thry got into a relationship and warn her then?! That would That would the only decent, responsible thing to do.

Instead he's stayed on good terms with his brother, says nothing to his latest partner, knowing she'll be getting abused and hurt sooner or later, then blames her for not leaving (while she was in the throes of the relationship, attached and invested and intimate with him) before she was hurt!!!

He's a supporter and apologist and manipulator of a violent abuser, a battered. He's done nothing to protect women
, he's stayed silent knowing what his brother is like and only speaks to try to get him off the hook after he's hurt them.

The emotional.blackmail about the suicide and his son is despicable as well.

And as op has pointed out, where is the concern for ops son, for ops life?? Strangely absent.

This guy could have killed or disabled op already, and other women.

His family are fkg fiends.

They are part of the problem.