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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 01/09/2021 23:00

It is absolutely outrageous that they have dismissed you after refusing to ban him and calling a criminal matter a 'personal' one. Outrageous! I've never ever heard of worse behaviour from a workplace towards an employee. Let alone towards a victim of domestic violence. When you speak to HR make sure they know everything that's happened including being ignored by the RM, the Covid meaning you couldn't achieve your targets and your manager refusing to take the matter seriously.

They should be ashamed.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Could you star at a parents/siblings/friends for a few days so you feel safer?

MinnieJackson · 01/09/2021 23:19

Long shot but is there any chance you could stay with your sons dad aswell?

Original poster
Laladell · 01/09/2021 23:20

@CorianderBee

It is absolutely outrageous that they have dismissed you after refusing to ban him and calling a criminal matter a 'personal' one. Outrageous! I've never ever heard of worse behaviour from a workplace towards an employee. Let alone towards a victim of domestic violence. When you speak to HR make sure they know everything that's happened including being ignored by the RM, the Covid meaning you couldn't achieve your targets and your manager refusing to take the matter seriously.

They should be ashamed.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Could you star at a parents/siblings/friends for a few days so you feel safer?

I just can't believe what is happening in my life in such a short amount of time I've never felt so lost🤯😔

I don't really have many people left after my relationship tbh but I think I feel comfier in my own space atm maybe. I just really want to get my life back on track but have no idea how to. I just want to be the person I was before him. I wish I'd never met him

OP posts:
TheChip · 01/09/2021 23:40

It will all fall back into place soon enough. You're just deep in the thick of it at the moment.
As hard as it is, your child's father is probably correct in having your child for the week. Its better to be safe than sorry. Plus, you can use this time to focus on the other shit that's all up in the air.

Channel all of the negative emotions into determination to beat this son of a bitch. You are strong, you are better than him. Nobody like him is going to drag you down. You will not allow him to make you feel lost. You will come out of this stronger, and he will not. He might be swanning around as if nothing is happening at the minute, but it won't last, its the calm before the storm.

You've got this and we are all here rooting for you!

NotaCoolMum · 02/09/2021 00:24

You will be a stronger version of the person you were before you met him @Laladell 💐 I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but from my perspective, you are amazing. You WILL get through this. You’ve got loads of MN virtual hugs and we’ll wishes from all of us 💜💜💜 better days are ahead.

Original poster
Laladell · 02/09/2021 07:35

@TheChip

It will all fall back into place soon enough. You're just deep in the thick of it at the moment. As hard as it is, your child's father is probably correct in having your child for the week. Its better to be safe than sorry. Plus, you can use this time to focus on the other shit that's all up in the air.

Channel all of the negative emotions into determination to beat this son of a bitch. You are strong, you are better than him. Nobody like him is going to drag you down. You will not allow him to make you feel lost. You will come out of this stronger, and he will not. He might be swanning around as if nothing is happening at the minute, but it won't last, its the calm before the storm.

You've got this and we are all here rooting for you!

Thank u so so so so much it really does make a huge difference x

I just still have quite an attachment to him I guess. I always have tho which dosent help and I have no idea why. But hopefully counselling will help with unhealthy things like that. Just wish I'd never of met him ever ever ever x

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 02/09/2021 07:38

@NotaCoolMum

You will be a stronger version of the person you were before you met him *@Laladell* 💐 I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but from my perspective, you are amazing. You WILL get through this. You’ve got loads of MN virtual hugs and we’ll wishes from all of us 💜💜💜 better days are ahead.
Thank u, I really hope so. I don't feel like I know who I am any more right now so ur kind words really mean so much to me 😔❤x
OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 02/09/2021 08:51

Dear Laladell Why not reach out to your old friends. They will be pleased you're away from him.

Seasonschange · 02/09/2021 10:33

Lala please get in touch with your old friends. I have a few I’ve drifted from and if one of them came to me with this id jump to support them.

Doomscrolling · 02/09/2021 11:25

Lala, there are lots of us checking in on your thread regularly to see how you’re doing, even if we don’t post every time. We know how hard it is, and we are proud of you. You have a cheering squad just a screen away when you need it.

mumofsennimaul · 02/09/2021 11:38

No advice other than stay strong for you and your wee one. You've done the right thing. Keep going. Sending you lots of love Thanks

Original poster
Laladell · 02/09/2021 13:01

Went to a different gym today to train for the first time since Thurs and it was gd it was the first time iv focused on something else.

I went to the local shopping centre with my little one but felt realy bad anxiety incase I saw him and everytime I see a van like his my heart was in my throat. Everywhere I go I just worry its so awful.

Am gona have a big clean at my house today as I've not realy done anything past couple of days which is so unlike me. I just wana try work through this but it's so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 02/09/2021 16:39

HR from the company have just rang me and told me I can't appeal the probation but can send her any info and she will look into it? I don't even know what that will mean for me. Tbh I did really enjoy my job and wouldn't mind working again but at a different club so I don't know weather to state that on the email....

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 02/09/2021 16:56

State everything you can on the email love. Including being interested in working at a different club (it can't hurt at this point). I'm very surprised they've said you can't appeal. If you have a Union they might be able to help?

Good luck though. You're doing so so well x

tenredthings · 02/09/2021 17:03

I would tell HR that you were threatened at work , the police are involved and that they did nothing to protect you in your work place from a violent client inspite of having cctv. Therefore it's hardly surprising with the lack of support you received that your probation period didnt go so well. Good luck to you. I really hope you find someone to fight your corner. Don't let all these people take away your joy.

Original poster
Laladell · 02/09/2021 17:37

Hiya I stated a timeliness events. Luckily I have a few dated screenshots of proof of my sales manager coming into work with covid symptoms which he then gave to me, ignored messages to my regional manager about needing support off her under guidance of the police, emails asking if my ex was going to be suspended and emails of my concerns of safety at work. If they have any brains which I don't think they do they would. I stated I would be open to moving to my local club where I feel I would be more supported by that manager (I know him) and for my ex to be banned. If they have any brains (which I don't think they do) they would consider it as I am prepared to take this further as I feel so strongly about this as its such a terrible position to be in.

The public protection unit rang me today in regards to my clares law application. The officer I spoke to stated that because we are not together and it's unlikely we will be in the future they probably would not consider it but after speaking to her more she said she would process it, she said she was going to check his history and if she did find anything she would take it to her inspector to see if it could be be granted. She said it may take abit longer as she said she needed to jump through different hoops now. I really really hope it can get processed but I don't think it will. Fingers crossed tho.

Also the investigator gave me the wrong information about the new officer in charge his return date wasn't yesterday but yesterday was actually his last day. So won't hear off him until Saturday at the earliest.

Right now it feels like one step forward then one back my mind still feels all over the place 😣 I just want a normal happy life

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 02/09/2021 17:39

@CorianderBee

State everything you can on the email love. Including being interested in working at a different club (it can't hurt at this point). I'm very surprised they've said you can't appeal. If you have a Union they might be able to help?

Good luck though. You're doing so so well x

Hiya thank u so much x I stated this in the email no I don't have a union, I don't even know what a union is 😫 x
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/09/2021 18:26

When I was a stalking victim I found The Suzy Lamplugh Trust unbelievably helpful. I would really advise you give them a call to see if they can offer or direct you to any further support. They run the National Stalking Helpline - don't worry too much about whether you feel the name of that fits your situation, it does but even if it didn't they would be able to provide help and advice by pointing you towards other resources better suited.

https://www.suzylamplugh.org/how-can-the-helpline-help

They changed the course of the investigation for me by offering me support and also helping me signpost and push the police (who I was very lucky to have a good experience of, they genuinely wanted to keep me safe) to updated legislation etc that helped secure a conviction and lifetime restraining order.

Please do consider giving them a call and let us know how you get on. You've got a little army of us behind you on here willing you on! Thanks

Magenta82 · 02/09/2021 21:31

It sounds like you are doing everything you can which is a really practical and positive step, you should be proud of yourself!

QueenJulian · 02/09/2021 21:43

I don’t know if this has already been mentioned but you can get advice from Acas about your work situation. I think anyone can use them. It doesn’t sound like your work place have followed proper procedures.
www.acas.org.uk/getting-legal-advice

WithLargeTableMouse · 02/09/2021 22:08

I’ve just read through your whole thread and wanted to chip in and say how well you’re doing.
@QueenJulian is right, you should contact ACAS to get support with your employment situation as you’re not a member of a union, also you could see if there’s a law centre in your area in case they can support you with an of this. www.lawcentres.org.uk/
Please, I know it’s so hard and you feel guilty but none of this is your fault. Your ex chose to treat you the way he did and his family have chosen to support his shitty behaviour instead of trying to help him be a better man. He’s only got himself and them to blame for him being such a failure of a person.
You on the other hand, sound amazing, a strong courageous woman.

Original poster
Laladell · 02/09/2021 22:11

@youvegottenminuteslynn

When I was a stalking victim I found The Suzy Lamplugh Trust unbelievably helpful. I would really advise you give them a call to see if they can offer or direct you to any further support. They run the National Stalking Helpline - don't worry too much about whether you feel the name of that fits your situation, it does but even if it didn't they would be able to provide help and advice by pointing you towards other resources better suited.

[[https://www.suzylamplugh.org/how-can-the-helpline-help]]

They changed the course of the investigation for me by offering me support and also helping me signpost and push the police (who I was very lucky to have a good experience of, they genuinely wanted to keep me safe) to updated legislation etc that helped secure a conviction and lifetime restraining order.

Please do consider giving them a call and let us know how you get on. You've got a little army of us behind you on here willing you on! Thanks

Thank you so much x will call them tomorrow it's so so hard for me but I wana try anything possible to get me back to some state of a normal life x
OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 02/09/2021 22:24

@WithLargeTableMouse @QueenJulian

I did contact acas the day after I had my probationary period dismissed. But the lady on the phone was abit short with me tbh and just told me to contact my HR as she didn't really know what to say or suggest for me.

I have found one of those law centers about 40 mins away from me so have filled out a form for that.

There's so much going on right now everything feels so all over the place I can't believe how much my life has changed in the space of less than a week I'm so heartbroken right now but everyone's advice and support means so so so much to me I don't really have many people on the outside world anymore so this realy helps me feel less alone ❤ I just wish I wasn't going through all of this I have been questioning myself all day today what have I ever done so bad in life to deserve this to happen to me I just want a nice life 😭

OP posts:
Fallingirl · 03/09/2021 00:48

You haven’t done anything other than be unlucky enough to run into a man who turned out to be an abusive, violent bastard and have a really shit manager at work.

None of this is your fault or your doing. You sound like a wonderful person and a really good mum. Unfortunately bad shit happens to good people all the time. So many of the women rooting for you right now know this from our own experiences. But we also know you can get through this, and one day all this will just be a bad memory.

You will get another job one day, and hopefully you will never be bothered by your ex again. You will have the nice life you deserve.

Original poster
Laladell · 03/09/2021 08:43

@Fallingirl thank you so much it really means soo much to me x

OP posts: