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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 30/08/2021 19:18

@Verbena87

Go to HR and ask for help.

If there isn’t any help I’d be seriously tempted to talk to the local press. Can’t believe the level of idiocy.

I think I'm going to call HR tomorrow I've I've a few other other factors for it too

My boss didn't give me a mid way probation review or a 1 to 1 however he gave other members of staff a review. He claimed it was due to having covid however he also came into the club displaying symptoms which he then past onto me so I had to have. I worked a full month last month and my target when I returned after covid was higher than last month even though I was working 13 days.
2 days later was when I got harrased at the other club and nothing was don't at all, I was told my ex would be suspended pending investigation on the situation but nobody did anything. There's been a few other things but now I honestly just feel so lost. I feel like my life is just in absolute tatters the past few days are absolutely destroying me mentally. I just don't know what to do I feel so heartbroken

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 30/08/2021 19:24

First thing tomorrow, go to HR and explain what has happened. It would have been better to do this before your probation review, but no matter. If HR try and mug you off, I would actually go to Twitter or the local paper.

Original poster
Laladell · 30/08/2021 19:27

@Funnylittlefloozie

First thing tomorrow, go to HR and explain what has happened. It would have been better to do this before your probation review, but no matter. If HR try and mug you off, I would actually go to Twitter or the local paper.
I was considering going to hr but was hoping to talk to my manager who was on annual leave since before my ex was charged, he was charged later Friday night so tomorrow I think would of been my first opportunity anyways. This is affecting me honestly so bad it's making me feel like giving up with the case as everything now seems all too much
OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 30/08/2021 19:40

No, go to HR first, then speak to your manager. This is not about your probation any more, its about the gym's failure to keep you safe at work.

Verbena87 · 30/08/2021 19:45

Go to HR tomorrow. Take a clear written list of your issues with work and ask for backup. Management have repeatedly failed to meet their responsibilities to you.

Chase your women’s aid referral and speak to the GP about counselling - you could also try self referring via your local IAPT service (just Google, you can refer online).

You deserve to thrive.

Original poster
Laladell · 30/08/2021 20:20

@Funnylittlefloozie

No, go to HR first, then speak to your manager. This is not about your probation any more, its about the gym's failure to keep you safe at work.
Unfortunately my manager failed my probation today 😩 am writing some notes as soon as I'm up tomorrow to take to HR and try and arrange a meeting with them.

Just another stress to add on I guess 😩😭 bloody hell

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 31/08/2021 01:20

Thb they sound horrendous to work for. Only takes one shit manager to ruin a job.

It's him, not you or your work. He's a cunt. Go to HR and above him and please seek out an employment lawyer for advice. Make sure that tell them what he did with your abusive ex and the barriers trying to prevent him from stopping you from cooperating with the police. He also was prepared to compromise your safety at work.

Remember, you're a strong kick ass woman and you can do this.

aginandtonic · 31/08/2021 09:27

How are you today?

Original poster
Laladell · 31/08/2021 11:54

@aginandtonic

How are you today?
Just feel so empty without work and nothing to focus on really. I rang hr and its been put to the HR lady for my region and she should contact me before fri. Can't even train at the gym to work through my distractions and make me feel better.

Just feel like my life is in complete tatters atm. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 31/08/2021 13:09

Have they dismissed you then?

Spend the time today putting together your non mol order and witness statement.

Take that feeling of feeling in tatters and challenge it into productive outlets.

BlokeHereInPeace · 31/08/2021 13:28

Hmmm. It would be lovely to do a shaming exercise on this gym. For once the Daily Mail could help out.

Original poster
Laladell · 31/08/2021 13:54

@CornishTiger

Have they dismissed you then?

Spend the time today putting together your non mol order and witness statement.

Take that feeling of feeling in tatters and challenge it into productive outlets.

Yeah they have unfortunately 😞 one things after another it seems atm.

I'm so scared about the witness statement. The officers are suggesting I see a counseller before I go ahead with it as my feelins towards him and the situation are quite obstructed tbh and my mind is not thinking in the right way about anything.

The new officer in charge should be contacting me tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 31/08/2021 13:55

@BlokeHereInPeace

Hmmm. It would be lovely to do a shaming exercise on this gym. For once the Daily Mail could help out.
Going to see what happens with HR before I decide what I'm going to do next.

I have so much going on right now its all so hard it's so hard

OP posts:
AngelDelightUk · 01/09/2021 09:20

Long term, leaving your work just might be a good thing. It’s less connection with him. However short term you need to report to HR all that’s gone on because it’s really unacceptable. Seeing how unsupportive and unresponsive they’ve been about help, you surely must have some sort of case.

Hang in there. It’s going to be ok

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/09/2021 15:25

@AngelDelightUk

Long term, leaving your work just might be a good thing. It’s less connection with him. However short term you need to report to HR all that’s gone on because it’s really unacceptable. Seeing how unsupportive and unresponsive they’ve been about help, you surely must have some sort of case.

Hang in there. It’s going to be ok

Just wanted to echo this.

You poor love OP you've really been through the mill Thanks

Original poster
Laladell · 01/09/2021 18:07

Really just feel like my life is going from bad to worse right now😞 just want to have a happy life I really really wish I'd never met him

OP posts:
Fallingirl · 01/09/2021 20:25

Hang in there Lala. I’ve followed your thread even though I haven’t commented before. I think there are so very many women here rooting for you.

You really have had a lot of shit happen, first because of the shit weasel ex, and then the unbelievable, and possibly illegal, behaviour from your work.

Hopefully this can be an opportunity for a fresh start. Would it be possible for you to move somewhere else?

notapizzaeater · 01/09/2021 20:46

Another cheerleader here, you've come so far

Original poster
Laladell · 01/09/2021 20:53

Just had another missed call off his stepfather who's even blocked so idk what he's trying to achieve but it's things like this that's giving me such bad anxiety 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 01/09/2021 20:55

@Fallingirl

Hang in there Lala. I’ve followed your thread even though I haven’t commented before. I think there are so very many women here rooting for you.

You really have had a lot of shit happen, first because of the shit weasel ex, and then the unbelievable, and possibly illegal, behaviour from your work.

Hopefully this can be an opportunity for a fresh start. Would it be possible for you to move somewhere else?

Thank you so much it really does mean alot its so hard for me atm. I guess I could but I got my son who's settled in his school and so happy there I really wouldn't wana disrupt his life or keep him away from his father (not the abusive ex btw)

My horrible ex was spotted at the pub not far from mine today and it just riles me how my life is so shit and he's just happily enjoying his own like nothings happened...

OP posts:
Original poster
Laladell · 01/09/2021 20:56

@notapizzaeater

Another cheerleader here, you've come so far
Thank you it honestly means so so much its such an impossible time atm ❤
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/09/2021 20:57

@Laladell

Just had another missed call off his stepfather who's even blocked so idk what he's trying to achieve but it's things like this that's giving me such bad anxiety 😩
Please do call the police and tell them this. I know it's exhausting and so unfair to have to log and report everything but it's for your safety and to get as much support from the police as possible Thanks
Eddielzzard · 01/09/2021 21:52

You're amazing, you're doing so well! Keep a log of who is calling when - it shows a pattern of harassment. I'm so outraged on your behalf. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. It's HIS actions that have got him in trouble. He's deserves what's coming, he really does.

Fallingirl · 01/09/2021 22:07

@Laladell

Just had another missed call off his stepfather who's even blocked so idk what he's trying to achieve but it's things like this that's giving me such bad anxiety 😩
What an entitled family they are. No wonder the ex thinks he can do whatever he likes with no consequences. Makes you wonder what it would take for them to stop coddling the violent bastard. Murder?

It must be so hard knowing he is around in your neighbourhood. My ex decided to get a house just round the corner when we divorced, so I’m always looking over my shoulder when I’m out. I really do sympathise. Is there anybody who could stay with you, or you and your son could go and stay with for a couple of days? A friend, or family? What you are going through right now is a lot to carry alone, so please do keep posting here.

Original poster
Laladell · 01/09/2021 22:41

Yeah it's been logged gotta have another officer come out and log it, think they might go talk to them as they are starting to class it as harrasment and interfering with a witness and cos they can't prove it's not him (which I don't think it is but still) it could be indirect contact which will get him remanded.

My sons dad is worrying about his safety so wants him there for a week 😞 but I don't wana be without my little boy. I don't really have many friends left anymore after being with my ex I wasn't ever really allowed to do things or see my friends it's a bit of a nightmare x

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