Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

well done @Isitreallyme177

@Clovertoast I agree with @Onesmallstep67 - try to start with the little things?

It sounds maybe you're using the distraction of the 'relationship drama' with MrP (ie analysing him, trying to spend too much time with him, wondering what he's thinking, feeling, doing all the time) to "avoid" dealing with things yourself and its scary but so worth it!

Can you find some online counselling or meditation? (your local buddhist centre will do free meditation classes). Are you doing exercise? Just a walk or a run or some Youtube classes can make a difference.

Most people have internal confidence issues, they're something to manage as you go along.

@Onesmallstep67 I was separated for 9 months after my divorce but alone in the relationship for a very long time. Years infact.
I think I'm.going to text him and ask if I can call him ( I still have to do that, is that weird? ) and ask him if he needs a bit of space from us. He's struggling with grief right now as it's the anniversary of a parents death so I'm guessing me being super anxious and clingy will just irritate.
Them once he's said yes, because I reckon he will, I need to figure out how to fill my life ????
I honestly don't know how

@Clovertoast I'm so pleased you've come back especially as we were in a similar situation.
As others have asked - have you spoken to Mr P and what did he say?

As you know I spoke to Mr K about my concerns and I met his mum a few days later. Not sure when I'll meet others but its a start.

You've had concerns over your relationship with Mr P from very early on and nothing has changed 20 months down the line.
You must be incredibly emotionally exhausted with all the worrying.
You have made him your world when you are only a very small part of his so its very unbalanced.

I feel, as others have also posted, that you need to leave this relationship and work on yourself and only when you are 100% happy with yourself and your life should you get in a relationship.
Why are you worrying about whether you'll meet anyone else? Having a partner doesn't make you the person you are.

Personally I think you're too good for him and he is just using you for his emotional crutch and to have round when he has nothing better to do.
I hope you've stopped cooking all the time, doing his housework etc.

@Clovertoast Why do you need to ask him if he wants space?
Why cant you tell him you are taking some space?

You are allowed to have feelings and needs and be able to speak them.

I know we talked on here a while ago about you having hobbies and friends, I really think you need to find yourself and get something else in your life other than Mr P.

Still.nowt from Mr House! Would you have expected him to firm arrangements up yet? I don't want to start getting ready if I'm not going anywhere 😆

Mr Ears has confirmed for tomorrow so that's one at least....touchwood.

@Clovertoast I agree with other comments here, you deserve more joy in this relationship but also from other aspects of your life. Sounds like you have good friends to socialise with and perhaps look on meet-up or similar to increase your network while also introducing other pastimes into your life. I recently joined an all-abilities walking group for women and it’s quickly ticked a lot of boxes in having something ‘for me’ that’s sociable (albeit not increasing the chances of meeting men but hey!)

@Isitreallyme177 brilliant news! Well done on doing so well, and the best outcome.

@BelladiMamma hooray for ovary-twitching messages!

@Misty9 glad you are recovering. I hope Mr Runner is ok but keep prioritising the self care.

@dancemom I am torn here a wee bit because on the one hand it seems a bit too early in the relationship anyway to have the butterflies, on the other hand being really physically as well as mentally attracted to them would help prompt more butterflies. But ticking lots of boxes is important either way. Keep us posted after dates 3 and 4 though!

Prompted by some comments on this thread namely @bangheadhere40 @Walkingalot mentioned, I have a couple of questions about OLDiquette…

• how many are blocking/ deleting their chats/irons without explanation? Isn ‘t this the same as ‘ghosting’? See, this feels odd to me as I feel I should give an explanation, for closure and not to be rude. But the messages I might send could be incendiary in a different way.

• is it considered not cool to do a gentle prod if a meet has been mentioned but not firmed up? -Yes, I’m thinking of Mr Colleague here-.

On the subject of ghosting, I was googling earlier and found this article which in an entirely subjective and non scientific way goes to support the point that there are way too many flakes and not enough milk tray men. www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/ghosting-men-dating-apps-b1838399.html

@Isitreallyme177 so happy for you!
@Clovertoast i agree with some of the advice that you need something that's just yours to do where you set yourself goals/feel a sense of achievment that belongs only to you. I have filled up this thread with my trucking hobby because it filled up my time and i had a passion (i know how weird i sound) For a long while my only focus was on getting into a relationship and they all failed. I felt like the only single person. Only way i overcame it was by accepting it and then pursuing stuff that really interested me. I agree with perhaps having date nights and seeing what else you can get involved with. If a relationship is predominantly making you miserable/down then why stay in it. You're being brought down by someone else's unhappiness. Which isn't fair. You've got two daughters and sound like a lovely person that's in a relationship that doesn't deserve you.
@dancemom i chase the butterflies which is why magnet-man's return is proving so difficult to resist. I certainly wouldn't give up though with MrIrish he sounds like one of the good ones!
@BelladiMamma oh the return of Beard-Twirl (flake) seems we all have a magnet-man out there! Pleased that seems to catching on!

What's everyone's definition of a 'flake' is this someone that has genuinely shown interest over text/calls to meet perhaps even suggested it but has then ghosted or given lame excuses as to why they cannot make it. I'm not entirely sure i'd delete an block a flake the first time it happened. What's the difference then with breadcrumbing is this usually done by someone like magnet-man. Someone you've met, liked, slept with wanted more with but they've been on/off, vanished/reappeared many times?

@Naimee87 I'm interpreting a flake as someone who 'chickens out' in some way. But that might not be the majority definition, so watching with interest!

naimee I think your MM and my old one are both flakey and breadcrumbers. I see breadcrumbing as keeping you hooked with messages / phone etc but little real life interaction. Vanishing and popping up...consistently being inconsistent.

Flakes are ones that cancel planned dates...I would say!

[quote Clovertoast]@Onesmallstep67 I was separated for 9 months after my divorce but alone in the relationship for a very long time. Years infact.
I think I'm.going to text him and ask if I can call him ( I still have to do that, is that weird? ) and ask him if he needs a bit of space from us. He's struggling with grief right now as it's the anniversary of a parents death so I'm guessing me being super anxious and clingy will just irritate.
Them once he's said yes, because I reckon he will, I need to figure out how to fill my life ????
I honestly don't know how [/quote]
I used to do this - invite rejection before it was dished out to me. But, I also usually did it in situations that I wasn't sure about. If you're inviting him to have some space - is that really because you need space? In my last relationship I also ended up either with him or with my dc, and lost myself a bit. What would it take for you to say, no more, with him? Is there a line?

Thank you everyone, it's finally sunk in and I feel like a complete weight has been lifted. My Mum has said she doesn't want the money back for the excess so I might treat myself to some paint and get my flat finished(and my car to a proper valet think she deserves it😆).

Thank you @FireandBrimstone, good advice there

Me too @Naimee87 and it's got me nowhere so I'm really trying to go down a different path. And Mr Irish is definitely one of the good ones, I have no doubt on that. And he's so upfront too. I really would like it to work out.

@FireandBrimstone - I'm not sure I'd class me blocking MrGlider as a full on 'ghosting'. We were only chatting on the dating app still. Nothing mentioned about meeting etc. I class 'ghosting' as agreeing on a date or chatting for ages off the apps then disappearing without explanation. It's when you've built up some sort of expectation with someone and then vanish. That's my spin on it.
Flake - is someone who agree's to dates or to call but changes their mind, doesn't turn up, comes up with excuses. Is basically unreliable.
Breadcrumbing - giving you little bits of themselves/time/attention - just enough to keep you interested but always holding off on the bigger issues.
I'd msg your guy if you haven't heard by now but add a cut off time 'if I haven't heard by xxx then I'll assume it's off'.

Yey @Isitreallyme177 Well done on your win!

@BelladiMamma I think it was you that asked (sorry if not) but no Mr local doesn't have his child full time but has had him more through holidays. He says he still wants to meet so I've said to just let me know and left ball in his court. I will continue perusing apps as before

[quote Walkingalot]@FireandBrimstone - I'm not sure I'd class me blocking MrGlider as a full on 'ghosting'. We were only chatting on the dating app still. Nothing mentioned about meeting etc. I class 'ghosting' as agreeing on a date or chatting for ages off the apps then disappearing without explanation. It's when you've built up some sort of expectation with someone and then vanish. That's my spin on it.
Flake - is someone who agree's to dates or to call but changes their mind, doesn't turn up, comes up with excuses. Is basically unreliable.
Breadcrumbing - giving you little bits of themselves/time/attention - just enough to keep you interested but always holding off on the bigger issues.
I'd msg your guy if you haven't heard by now but add a cut off time 'if I haven't heard by xxx then I'll assume it's off'.[/quote]
This is my interpretation too

I generally send a closure message but if you then unmatch on the app they can't always see the message

Once you're on WhatsApp etc I find I have to send a closure message. In fact my response to BeardTwirl today was about the 100th closure message I've sent him. He is still very responsive, hasn't ghosted me but has massively flaked on me. We had major plans, 4 dates over different weekends, we'd both laid out money and booked places and he flaked due to depression.

With Irishflake I recognised the pattern, no ghosting and got a proper 'I'm not ready' message yesterday after closure message from me. Also not ghosted.

The only guys I've been ghosted by are 2 fuckwits that smelt fresh meat when I was first separating from my ex, I knew them as colleagues, one married one not and they were just there to fully take advantage. Tried to seduce me with the 'I'm here if you ever want to go to bed with me if you ever need a friendly ear. Didn't sleep with them then they ghosted me & it was extremely upsetting as I was so vulnerable. I'll be passing their names on at the gates of Hades

I've blocked about 6 guys in the last year as they were either getting sexty way too soon or wannabe cocklodgers and didn't take no for an answer and one of them then stalked me

Fun times!

@Slothmomma

Yey *@Isitreallyme177* Well done on your win!

@BelladiMamma I think it was you that asked (sorry if not) but no Mr local doesn't have his child full time but has had him more through holidays. He says he still wants to meet so I've said to just let me know and left ball in his court. I will continue perusing apps as before

Beat just to keep options open when no one is showing up with the goods!

I think I need to recap where I am currently with active not yet flaked irons.

No dates organised for the next two weeks so I can recuperate

MissHazel - lunch meet up planned for when she's next off during the week
MrGig - coming to see my fave musician with me. Also his favourite so not really a date more a convenient arrangement. Messages regularly. Nice bearded type into indie music with London accent. My Achilles heel. Hopefully he's not a depressive too!
MrAccountant - dog walk and coffee planned. Nice vibe
MrProperty - still in touch and still angling for meet ups but I've said no weekends free til end of September and even then depends on recovery. No spark if I'm honest. Keeps talking about the pub 🥱
MrTattoo - waiting for him to suggest next date and have asked for it to be nearer me this time. Not done as a test but for my recovery and will be good to see if he can do something further away from home. We met halfway yesterday.

Consigned to the not sure if it'll ever happen and I don't care
MissChelsea - disappeared. Maybe she's ghosted me? Not really bothered. Beautiful but unavailable
MissGinger - too pushy
BeardTwirl and IrishFlake. But you know all about those two 😂

keeping you hooked with messages / phone etc but little real life interaction. Vanishing and popping up...consistently being inconsistent The early days with magnet-man were great. But yea this bread-crumming malarky is him now but this time round i'm actually thinking it could be fun. After months of getting over him i shall reward my efforts with getting under him again
MrE is so the better choice but (already) i'm missing the chase and excitement i think. Magnet-man here i come I am in such a giddy mood today focus/concentration are nowhere to be seen.

I suppose i have ghosted a few times as it didn't feel like there was an established connection so no explanation was needed really.

@Naimee87 I'd also add that with the breadcrumbers, they know exactly what they're doing. It's a slightly dishonest way of getting a FB or FWB in my opinion 😊. I certainly did it myself when I was younger and wasn't really conscious of it. In fact I was so cavalier about other people's feelings when I was younger I think this is payback time 😂

I know they are so devious but why do i find this enticing? Is it the whole 'you want what you can't have.' It should be a turn-off not a turn-on! Bloody magnets!

@Naimee87

I know they are so devious but why do i find this enticing? Is it the whole 'you want what you can't have.' It should be a turn-off not a turn-on! Bloody magnets!

Story of my life. Honestly

Haha @Naimee87… mischievous 🤣🤣

👏👏👏 @Isitreallyme177!! Nice of your ma to treat you too what a sweetie!

@bangheadhere40 did you hear from MrHouse in the end??

Me too @BelladiMamma I was awful when i was young!!

I've not heard from Mr House no! Tbf I've not messaged him either but my new stance is to not chase flakey men up!!! It doesn't look like it will be happening does it 🤔

Mr Ears has already confirmed for tomorrow evening and asked where we can meet and said how he's looking forward to it. If 1 out of 2 turns up that's probably about right with these flakes!

@Isitreallyme177 - great outcome and Mum.
@bangheadhere40 - has he contacted you yet?