Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Misty9

Morning all. Definitely block and delete *@BelladiMamma* and I hope you're feeling a bit better today? Pacing is the name of the game - and as one of our consultants likes to say, structure and routine and a rest in between

@Naimee87 glad things are feeling a bit more relaxed now and hope they work out how you need them to. @HairyArsedMan hope you're okay, I'm not sure what environmental means either but it sounded disappointing :(
@Isitreallyme177 good luck this morning and hope court isn't too stressful

And good to hear of OLD coming good for others!

My update is I've stopped bleeding pretty much. Gp said I'll never know if it was a miscarriage. But slightly eclipsing that has been the deterioration in Mr Runner's wellbeing. Without going into detail, I got involved and hopefully he's going to accept help to sort himself out now. Obviously a relationship is the last thing he should be thinking about, but I hope we keep in touch at least :( I'm off OLD anyway and not really looking either. I need to sort myself out first.

Hope you are feeling better now the bleeding has stopped Misty. Have you had any vaccines lately? Mine messed with my cycle and i had a heavy bleed a week or so after normal period that month

Hello all
Definitely don't cancel @bangheadhere40 see as many as possible is something I'll be doing when/if I'm back on the apps!
@Naimee87 I'm an oversharer with my dds too ! They are 18 and 19 and I end up telling them all my relationship woes. I try not too but it ends up coming out !

That's the problem with me, I'm 46, was in an abusive 20 year marriage and I've come out with no confidence and no friends. I've ended up latching onto Mr P who is lovely, but I feel like I'm becoming suffocating.
Which leads me to a point made by @BelladiMamma about depressed men being your speciality. Well let me tell you, Mr P is a proud card carrying depressed person.
He's down a lot. Unhappy, tearful, needs time to " be " and to sleep things off. Tells me often how he's damages, his life is ruined because of thr divorce, how he feels his children's pain, how his exw has ruined his life etc.
After 20 months together is it needy of me to expect to be someone that lifts his life a little?
I'm still fully hidden and separate from everyone and it's really getting me down. I feel anxious and insecure all the time.
I'll be honest and say on this thread something I've not admitted outloud, that I worry if I lose him, I'll never find anyone else. The apps are a nightmare as you know. Im 46, I'm lonely, and I'm a mess today.
My friend came round last night and told me I'm funny, attractive ( I've lost 4 stone since being in this relationship) intelligent etc. She doesn't understand why I'm settling for someone that only wants half of me as she put it.

Clovertoast... I'm older than you. It's never too late to find someone. Your Mr P does sound like hard work without much joy. Rather than thinking about whether you lift his life.. does he lift yours??,

I keep trying to tell myself that magnet-man = breadcrumbs... but my head won't listen at ALL. I caved and asked him how he was and told him about my truck test pass. He's sent messages all this week. What is that about. If only i was wise and made the good decisions... just can't seem to shake any sense into myself.

@BelladiMamma - in answer to your ex Flakes coming good - no they don't. They turn into Twirls - it's all under the surface. MrSolid and MrBE were both ex's. I'd called them out on their flakiness the first time, both promised to have changed/things were different now/more time, blah blah blah. It didn't take long for the flakiness to creep back.
@Isitreallyme177 - hope it went in your favour.
@Misty9 - .

I think I mentioned MrNoKids asked for a coffee date. I put him off for a 'week or so' and his response was good. I've asked if he's interested in joining me in a particular leisure activity I've recently got into and he's keen - so hopefully he wont see me as too flakey.
I blocked MrGlider after he put a sexual spin on something quite innocent I commented on. To be honest, if I'd fancied him it wouldn't have been a problem but I realised I don't.

@Clovertoast - I agree with Dropdeadfred2. I know I'd rather be on my own than with someone that drains me or doesn't add anything positive to my life.

[quote Walkingalot]@BelladiMamma - in answer to your ex Flakes coming good - no they don't. They turn into Twirls - it's all under the surface. MrSolid and MrBE were both ex's. I'd called them out on their flakiness the first time, both promised to have changed/things were different now/more time, blah blah blah. It didn't take long for the flakiness to creep back.
@Isitreallyme177 - hope it went in your favour.
@Misty9 - .

I think I mentioned MrNoKids asked for a coffee date. I put him off for a 'week or so' and his response was good. I've asked if he's interested in joining me in a particular leisure activity I've recently got into and he's keen - so hopefully he wont see me as too flakey.
I blocked MrGlider after he put a sexual spin on something quite innocent I commented on. To be honest, if I'd fancied him it wouldn't have been a problem but I realised I don't.[/quote]
Twirls. Love it. We'll have a whole sweet shop before the end of this thread 😂

@Misty9

Morning all. Definitely block and delete *@BelladiMamma* and I hope you're feeling a bit better today? Pacing is the name of the game - and as one of our consultants likes to say, structure and routine and a rest in between

@Naimee87 glad things are feeling a bit more relaxed now and hope they work out how you need them to. @HairyArsedMan hope you're okay, I'm not sure what environmental means either but it sounded disappointing :(
@Isitreallyme177 good luck this morning and hope court isn't too stressful

And good to hear of OLD coming good for others!

My update is I've stopped bleeding pretty much. Gp said I'll never know if it was a miscarriage. But slightly eclipsing that has been the deterioration in Mr Runner's wellbeing. Without going into detail, I got involved and hopefully he's going to accept help to sort himself out now. Obviously a relationship is the last thing he should be thinking about, but I hope we keep in touch at least :( I'm off OLD anyway and not really looking either. I need to sort myself out first.

Good advice, thank you 😊

@Clovertoast

Hello all Definitely don't cancel *@bangheadhere40* see as many as possible is something I'll be doing when/if I'm back on the apps! *@Naimee87* I'm an oversharer with my dds too ! They are 18 and 19 and I end up telling them all my relationship woes. I try not too but it ends up coming out !

That's the problem with me, I'm 46, was in an abusive 20 year marriage and I've come out with no confidence and no friends. I've ended up latching onto Mr P who is lovely, but I feel like I'm becoming suffocating.
Which leads me to a point made by @BelladiMamma about depressed men being your speciality. Well let me tell you, Mr P is a proud card carrying depressed person.
He's down a lot. Unhappy, tearful, needs time to " be " and to sleep things off. Tells me often how he's damages, his life is ruined because of thr divorce, how he feels his children's pain, how his exw has ruined his life etc.
After 20 months together is it needy of me to expect to be someone that lifts his life a little?
I'm still fully hidden and separate from everyone and it's really getting me down. I feel anxious and insecure all the time.
I'll be honest and say on this thread something I've not admitted outloud, that I worry if I lose him, I'll never find anyone else. The apps are a nightmare as you know. Im 46, I'm lonely, and I'm a mess today.
My friend came round last night and told me I'm funny, attractive ( I've lost 4 stone since being in this relationship) intelligent etc. She doesn't understand why I'm settling for someone that only wants half of me as she put it.

It sounds like you're very unhappy with this situation. Just think what you could be doing with all the energy and the headspace he's taking up in your life

But that's just it @BelladiMamma without sounding like THE most pathetic person in the world, what could I be doing?
I have barely any single friends, I'm struggling for money because my ex refuses to help or contribute. I have no hobbies or things that I " do ", I can't concentrate on books, films or TV. I'm literally constantly thinking about our relationship.
It's horrendous. I feel permanently ill and like I'm heading for a breakdown.
I genuinely don't know how to fix myself

Have you spoken to Mr P about all of this? Has he done anything to reassure you at all?

I know how you feel...not a nice place to be 😪 since I'm not in touch with my old magnet man my MH has improved a lot I'd say! Mr P sounds like a drain to you.

@Clovertoast my brutal advice would be: extricate yourself from this relationship, find something that fills you with joy/peace and do lots of it, get some therapy if it helps/is affordable, and learn how to be happy with yourself. It's a long hard road, but it is doable

@Dropdeadfred2 no, had my vaccines months ago as am NHS worker. Who knows. It's over at least.

I've had 2 dates with Mr Irish, he's very nice, solid and dependable. Lots of good morning and good night texts, tells me he's keen without love bombing and no hint of being a flake or a future faker or anything like that. He's funny, good job, no drama with exes all these positive things. 3rd and 4th date already arranged.

I enjoy his company, I like his texts and calls, I look forward to the next dates ... but I don't have that super excited, butterflies thing going on.

Is that just a sign of being older and wiser and now looking for different things in a guy? I'm well aware that the whole butterflies thing hasn't served me well so far and Mr Irish is everything I said I wanted ...

@dancemom

I've had 2 dates with Mr Irish, he's very nice, solid and dependable. Lots of good morning and good night texts, tells me he's keen without love bombing and no hint of being a flake or a future faker or anything like that. He's funny, good job, no drama with exes all these positive things. 3rd and 4th date already arranged.

I enjoy his company, I like his texts and calls, I look forward to the next dates ... but I don't have that super excited, butterflies thing going on.

Is that just a sign of being older and wiser and now looking for different things in a guy? I'm well aware that the whole butterflies thing hasn't served me well so far and Mr Irish is everything I said I wanted ...

Are you attracted to him? That would be an important criterion for me after a similar sounding relationship where it was all there, except the physical attraction in the end. That butterflies feeling can also be anxiety and isn't necessarily a good thing...

@Clovertoast

But that's just it *@BelladiMamma* without sounding like THE most pathetic person in the world, what could I be doing? I have barely any single friends, I'm struggling for money because my ex refuses to help or contribute. I have no hobbies or things that I " do ", I can't concentrate on books, films or TV. I'm literally constantly thinking about our relationship. It's horrendous. I feel permanently ill and like I'm heading for a breakdown. I genuinely don't know how to fix myself

You could use that energy to focus on your own recovery ❤️‍🩹

Thank you everyone, I'm currently grinning like and idiot as it went completely in my favour. I was given a hard time by the other Barrister, mine said he was quite aggressive which she hasn't seen before but she was impressed that I stood my ground and never once waivered from my statement and kept calm. I now get my no claims back, my excess and hopefully my premiums go down (and I might get some of them back) as until today it had to go down as a fault. Never want to go through that again though. Nearly two years that has been hanging over my head.😁😀

@Isitreallyme177

Thank you everyone, I'm currently grinning like and idiot as it went completely in my favour. I was given a hard time by the other Barrister, mine said he was quite aggressive which she hasn't seen before but she was impressed that I stood my ground and never once waivered from my statement and kept calm. I now get my no claims back, my excess and hopefully my premiums go down (and I might get some of them back) as until today it had to go down as a fault. Never want to go through that again though. Nearly two years that has been hanging over my head.😁😀

Yay 😀

@Isitreallyme177

Thank you everyone, I'm currently grinning like and idiot as it went completely in my favour. I was given a hard time by the other Barrister, mine said he was quite aggressive which she hasn't seen before but she was impressed that I stood my ground and never once waivered from my statement and kept calm. I now get my no claims back, my excess and hopefully my premiums go down (and I might get some of them back) as until today it had to go down as a fault. Never want to go through that again though. Nearly two years that has been hanging over my head.😁😀

That's great news. Well done!! What are you going to treat yourself to with the money??

@Misty9 that's a tricky one because I'm not one for attraction being a physical thing normally. Usually I'm attracted to someone's personality and then once that's clicked I can't see past them if that makes sense.

Obviously I can appreciate if someone is handsome but Im not one for conventional attraction usually.

I think I'll just need to wing it and see how it goes ....

Thanks both I honestly thought it would go 50/50 as that is what normally happens.

@Dropdeadfred2 it has to go back to my mum as she paid my excess at the time so it's only right she gets it back.

@Isitreallyme177

Thanks both I honestly thought it would go 50/50 as that is what normally happens.

@Dropdeadfred2 it has to go back to my mum as she paid my excess at the time so it's only right she gets it back.

Oh well at least she gets it back..

I've not heard from Mr House yet today about tonight.

I'm thinking if he's a flake then I will just leave it, old me would message him chasing it up....

Still time I guess but not looking great.

@bangheadhere40

I've not heard from Mr House yet today about tonight.

I'm thinking if he's a flake then I will just leave it, old me would message him chasing it up....

Still time I guess but not looking great.

Yes, if you can bring yourself not to chase up then don't. At least you're paying it forward for the next date, who might be treated better

I sent BeardFlake a voice note because I 'owed' him a reply from the weekend and he has replied with a lovely message and my fast withering ovaries just melted

I'm going to rename him BeardTwirl 😂

@Clovertoast, sorry to hear that you are feeling so unsettled and het up again. How long were you not in a relationship between your marriage ending and meeting Mr P ? I may have misremembered but I think you said he is the first guy you have dated since your marriage ? To me it sounds like you have a lot of residual anxiety from your marriage, maybe unresolved or unaddressed self esteem issues from when you were with your abusive husband which you are now struggling to process alongside your new relationship- which happens to be with someone who is also still processing his feelings about his marriage ending and adapting to his new childcare regime and living arrangements.

At 46 you have absolutely tons of time to address anything that is causing you to feel so unhappy. I think you said in a recent post that you spend a fair amount of time with Mr P when he is child free but that may not be the best way to approach things with him. I am not an expert but it sounds like you are seeking comfort and reassurance from being in his company but when things aren't great it's triggering a greater feeling of insecurity than maybe the situation warrants. I can identify with some of what you are describing about lack of friends or hobbies but unless we try to balance things up we are always going to be looking to our relationship to fulfil most of our needs. Then when it is struggling or under pressure it can feel like everything is going wrong. Maybe start with one small change. Drop one of the nights with Mr P in the week and replace it with something else. Or try to have dates with Mr P rather than simply being at his house, cooking and watching TV. A bit more time apart may help both of you in different ways. There may be more appreciation of and value placed on time together then. You would have some time to increase your independence and he may have a bit more time when he's not being either parent to his DC or partner to you.

@Isitreallyme177, brilliant news. It must feel such a relief to have it sorted, and in your favour !