Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Ahh @BelladiMamma I so pine for those days of youth, in the friendship groups. Out all weekend, every weekend… you don’t realise at the time how very special those times will be when you look back on them 💗

@SpringlikeBunk I remember how smokin I felt when I first went on the apps and got so much attention… I thought I was god’s gift 😂 it gave me a massive confidence boost. Now, 2 years later I’m just a bitter, cynical old spinster …..
Where did my joy de vivre go??? 😢💔 I don’t want to think this is it for me 😔 no love, no passion.. no feeling alive.
Feel a bit down today. X

@WeWantTheFinestWines it did surprise me my change of feelings after he changed coming back again from his trip. I just went from being really into him/missing him to just 'ok then.' And the next few days were super calm/relaxed no texting/video calls just back to how things were before i met him. I was chatting to my friend who got into a relationship a few months ago that's been seriously rocky. We both said we finally got to good places being single and happy that if we're in relationships and miserable why stay in them. We can happily go back to how we were before. I've finally reached the point where it'd be nice to be in a relationship but like we've touched on a lot like actionsquirrel mentioned her friend whose been in a rubbish relationship for ages, but WHY? It was also said that we could all be in relationships if we were prepared to settle but we aren't. And i finally got everything off my chest today with MrElf because i realised if he wasn't able to deal with it or didn't want to ultimately it didn't matter as i'm happy being me! Sounds sooo wishywashy like 'love yourself' stuff and i'm really not into that 'life-coaching' crap. Whats new with you? I've a very guilty feeling hogging this tremendous thread! But so appreciate all the advice from everyone [heart]

@Walkingalot

BelladiMamma and ActonSquirrel - spot on ladies. I'm not even sure why I want a man these days! When you're financially independent, kids no longer an option, don't want to live with anyone again - what's left? I don't have any single friends, so evenings out - that's what I'm looking for! But seriously, I guess it's to love and be loved, to have that special someone who has my back and enhances my already happy life.

That's tough re the friends. I have loads of single friends. Also friends in relationships who are happy to go out.

I want to be loved too

@Shayelle2009 high five!

I do feel open to love, I just don't feel open to the apps? Like I've outgrown the culture. I think it turns normal guys into Hugh Hefner wannabes and desperadoes.

I also think the effect on me emotionally isn't great? Like I feel more cynical juggling men and thinking "numbers game".

Looking forward to my speed dating (skin is bad though ffs !).

(Admittedly I'm also bringing my own "unavailabilty" to the table as well - have known for a couple years I may be moving, so that's made me fairly emotionally flaky. I think as I feel more settled in "my lifestyle" I'll know what joint goals I'm happy to go for with a partner and that will make things easier?)

@SpringlikeBunk the word ‘culture’ of them is exactly what I was talking about to a pal earlier. The whole culture of the apps stinks. People are so disposable on there. High five back to you too matey always makes me smile reading your posts.
Really do hope the speed dating gives you a big refreshment that is well needed on the dating front!

@Naimee87 I think it was exactly as @BelladiMamma said to you a while back… you were all loved up temporarily on seratonin from all the shagging.

Acton maybe you’ll meet a hotty in the west end on Friday night!

@Shayelle2009

Acton maybe you’ll meet a hotty in the west end on Friday night!

I hope so lol.

Wonder what I should wear 🤔!

Although I’ve found it is 99% wideboys and players out there 🤣

Gotta be glam I reckon? You going to some nice bars and stuff? I love the rum shack near Carnaby 🙂

@Shayelle2009

Gotta be glam I reckon? You going to some nice bars and stuff? I love the rum shack near Carnaby 🙂

Ooh not sure yet after the theatre. I'll have a look 😁

Some really interesting insights on this thread and the last one re not settling. I could easily have settled with Mr O (prev iron) but it would've been an utter disaster. The benefit of hindsight eh!

I'm desperately trying to take things slow with Mr D, checking in with myself, taking off the rose tinted glasses of a new relationship and trying not to get swept up in all the shagging induced serotonin. All very good so far but..
I think like a few others have mentioned, when you're accustomed to toxic/intensity, the steady and "normal" for want of a better word can feel almost like an anti-climax. So for now I'm just enjoying the time we have, not over analysing every interaction and just seeing how it pans out.

Have you started therapy yet @SortingItOut? I have a session next month that I'm strangely looking forward to. So good to unpick feelings.

Curious, and apologies if this had been covered previously, do many of you pay for the apps?

@Getbehindme

Normally don't (and felt fine) but felt flush and had a go this summer (Tinder Gold, Bumble for a week I think?)

Wasn't great tbh? (my opinion).

There's enough matches anyway, so there just ended up being too many to process. A lot of the guys weren't that interesting looking tbh - weirdos or too far away so clearly just swiped on everyone.

And with the "ok looking ones" it was just the same issues as usual.

Plus often I expect they have upgraded too so not much point both of us doing it?

I quit Tinder Gold after 2-3 weeks didn't even use all of it.

Maybe if I was in a new city for a month and wanted some quick socials it might be handy but overall I wasn't that impressed.

(I mean I didn't pay before and got the same "quality of meet/interest" so I think the guys pay for the upgrades anyway - if you want to go on one new meet every night then maybe worth it )

I'm not getting matches so I'm a little curious. But I'm aware it could usher in more anxiety/checking/over analysis!

@Heartbeats0708 Great that you've got therapy booked in.
My therapy starts in a few weeks, I planned it for after my DD goes to Uni.
I'm still slightly scared but also excited to finally sort my head out.

Do you know what I miss, is having someone to tell stuff to. I fell over earlier and am covered in grazes, I ended up telling my exh! (we're amicable). I just wanted to have someone to tell, but not to come save me or help me.

@Getbehindme I know what you mean! The guy I dated last year (through Bumble) MrC was very good at contact/chat - and although we split amiably and for good reasons I miss that closeness.

(Come update the thread with your stuff )

If the money for upgrades isn't a lot to you there's no harm having one look?

Like I say I wasn't overwhelmed - but then I personally have been frustrated/bored of the apps for sometime so I could just be jaded! And it only takes one good contact to make a difference.

@Adviceplease1993

Hi there. I would recommend starting your own thread for specific advice. This thread is for people dating and using apps to try and meet someone.

@BelladiMamma

Date zero with MrTattoo this morning.

One thing I have understood is that physically I'm not ready for dating as the 1 hour 45 minutes dog walk / coffee / sit on a bench was way too much for me and I'm now slammed, back in my bed with head spinning and unable to do anything. Felt a bit the same after seeing MissGinger

However - really nice guy. Quiet, geeky, handsome, works with his hands, loves the outdoors. Many boxes ticked there. Just a chilled conversation and no one trying to impress the other. Visibly stepped back when I opened my arms for a hug to say goodbye but also wanted to walk me back to my car, held the pooches whilst I sorted out car keys etc.

Downsides? 6 yo DD, widower of only 2 years. I'm his first 'date' from OLD (so he says). Lives 45 minutes away but same county. No childcare in place other than his Mum. No judgement but these could all be practical obstacles.

Made me put the flakes into perspective. He has every excuse not to meet or flake but he turned up on time and has been very communicative.

Also put MissGinger into perspective - there's something slightly edgy and try hard about her that isn't relaxing to be around. I liked her conversation but for a low key chilled getting to know you it was maybe just too much intellectual show boating? And her insistence that she 'loves looking after people'. Which kind of was designed I think (unconsciously) to make me picture her looking after me, which definitely has its attractions but equally ... can be stifling.

@BelladiMamma Mr Tattoo sounds 😍 Do you think you'll see him again?

You describe what I'm looking for really - geeky, quiet, handsome. Also, chilled and restful to be with.

Interesting observation how he doesn't flake, even though he could justify doing so. This strengthens my resolve to just say no to flakes!

And yes, I agree Miss Ginger's comment about looking after people may be a bit of an amber alert.

@Adviceplease1993

I’ll report your post and mumsnet can start a new thread for you? Hope goes ok x

My call with Mr Ears went really well and we are meeting on Friday.

I also have another iron I'm meant to be meeting tonight ...Mr House.

I'm tempted to cancel Mr House as I prefer Mr Ears - that would be silly though? I should meet them both?

Not had an iron for ages then 2 come along at once 😆

@bangheadhere40 definitely don't cancel any! You said yourself you haven't had any for ages. Have fun!!