Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Iamclearlyamug @cravingthelook just a friendly reminder from a fellow 'stalking target'.

If they try to message you again, send one response only which should be along the lines of:

Hi X twatface I do not want to hear from you again and I have already explained the reasons why. This behaviour is now harassment and is causing me emotional distress. I will report any further communication from you to the police. You can be rest assured that they take any sort of stalking and harassment very seriously. Yours, Y

The police told me you had to tell them that you don't want to hear from them and that you're distressed by the contact. Then anything further you can report to them. If there any threats or any suggestion that they know where you live or might try to stalk you in person then they will take it seriously. Note down anything you know about the stalker eg full name, dob, address, all the numbers they're using.

Stay safe everyone

@BelladiMamma

Thank you. Good info.

Date zero with MrTattoo this morning.

One thing I have understood is that physically I'm not ready for dating as the 1 hour 45 minutes dog walk / coffee / sit on a bench was way too much for me and I'm now slammed, back in my bed with head spinning and unable to do anything. Felt a bit the same after seeing MissGinger

However - really nice guy. Quiet, geeky, handsome, works with his hands, loves the outdoors. Many boxes ticked there. Just a chilled conversation and no one trying to impress the other. Visibly stepped back when I opened my arms for a hug to say goodbye but also wanted to walk me back to my car, held the pooches whilst I sorted out car keys etc.

Downsides? 6 yo DD, widower of only 2 years. I'm his first 'date' from OLD (so he says). Lives 45 minutes away but same county. No childcare in place other than his Mum. No judgement but these could all be practical obstacles.

Made me put the flakes into perspective. He has every excuse not to meet or flake but he turned up on time and has been very communicative.

Also put MissGinger into perspective - there's something slightly edgy and try hard about her that isn't relaxing to be around. I liked her conversation but for a low key chilled getting to know you it was maybe just too much intellectual show boating? And her insistence that she 'loves looking after people'. Which kind of was designed I think (unconsciously) to make me picture her looking after me, which definitely has its attractions but equally ... can be stifling.

@Isitreallyme177

I agree about coming off the apps. Having to trawl through the weirdos to find just one person I liked was getting to me and then when I did meet someone I liked it didn't work out as I hoped. I might try again at some point but for now I need to concentrate on other things.

I was having a shit morning, have court tomorrow for this car insurance claim and no one has checked how I am (shows I'm not a priority to them or even worthy of a how are you message). I also realised I spoke to no one yesterday and was feeling lonely. I've also got an ear infection so my hearing is muffled in one ear. So I called a friend from work and had a good gossip, I could still do with one of Mr Cricket's hugs (he does give good hugs) but he is working (or possibly avoiding but he says he isn't).

Hope tomorrow goes well & that you're ok ❤️

@BelladiMamma thank you. I took myself out to the shops and feel better now(think being sat indoors wasn't helping). What will be will be. It can go one of three ways and I think it will be 50/50 as its my word against her's. But I'm definitely not hearing things properly as my music seemed really quiet in the car.

I hope you're feeling better too. Glad the date went well.❤

[quote Isitreallyme177]@BelladiMamma thank you. I took myself out to the shops and feel better now(think being sat indoors wasn't helping). What will be will be. It can go one of three ways and I think it will be 50/50 as its my word against her's. But I'm definitely not hearing things properly as my music seemed really quiet in the car.

I hope you're feeling better too. Glad the date went well.❤[/quote]
Are you going in person or is it via video link? In any case let them know you've got an ear infection and ask them to repeat ANYTHING or repeat it back to them. They should be helpful, they've really had to flex their practices since Covid

Need to have a good read on your stories! but @Isitreallyme177 definitely sending you a massive massive hug as you're a little down. I'm hoping things pick up for you as the week progresses!

Quick MrE/Elf update. He came this morning and we really talked. I told him how i felt while he was away and told him it was just draining/my feelings were diminishing. I sort of still felt a little spark when i did see him which i wasn't expecting. It was definitely the first open/honest dicussion i've ever had when i've been with someone. He has said he'd like to give us time to figure things out and to try seeing each other but not as intensely as before. I've told him i really cannot be his 'everything' here and if he wants to be here he's got to have a life. Does that sound harsh? I felt quite harsh saying these things to him but he has to hear/know how i feel. And that him saying that feels like a lot of pressure on me. So let's see what happens. I guess i'm not writing him off like i thought i was. But whether this really is something that can turn into a proper relationship i'm still on the fence...

@Naimee87

Need to have a good read on your stories! but *@Isitreallyme177* definitely sending you a massive massive hug as you're a little down. I'm hoping things pick up for you as the week progresses!

Quick MrE/Elf update. He came this morning and we really talked. I told him how i felt while he was away and told him it was just draining/my feelings were diminishing. I sort of still felt a little spark when i did see him which i wasn't expecting. It was definitely the first open/honest dicussion i've ever had when i've been with someone. He has said he'd like to give us time to figure things out and to try seeing each other but not as intensely as before. I've told him i really cannot be his 'everything' here and if he wants to be here he's got to have a life. Does that sound harsh? I felt quite harsh saying these things to him but he has to hear/know how i feel. And that him saying that feels like a lot of pressure on me. So let's see what happens. I guess i'm not writing him off like i thought i was. But whether this really is something that can turn into a proper relationship i'm still on the fence...

Not harsh at all. You've only known him a few weeks. Build back slowly and keep checking in with your feelings x

@BelladiMamma it's virtual so that is slightly less nerve wracking I just hope the cat behaves. If my ear isn't better I'll mention it, I was okay on a call on Teams earlier but not on my mobile.

@Naimee87 thank you. As for Mr Elf, I think on any relationship you have to have outside interests so I don't think you were harsh.

IrishFlake has blocked me on Instagram. I'd sent him a check in message on WhatsApp because I felt it was so weird him just disappearing like that after I'd explained my feelings and said I wouldn't be messaging for a while.

Maybe when these guys do a double flake you know you're on a hiding to nothing.

Seemed an interesting read at tea break that complemented some of the discussion today …

www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/05/23/why-dating-is-drudgery

@cravingthelook you sound so strong and decisive 💪🏼 Kerbing them left right and centre 😄

@bangheadhere40 good luck with the call!

@Isitreallyme177 I often feel lonely too but that is 100% an occupational hazard of living alone. I would rather suffer a bit of loneliness and live alone than live with a lodger! Swings and roundabouts isn’t it x

@BelladiMamma MrTattoo sounds nice 🙂

I was just reading on another thread about how online dating is shit.. and someone on there said if you have the outlook that it’s shit then that’s what it will be for you… but I was just wondering how you are meant to start changing your mindframe to look at it all positively, when all you’ve had is 2 years of bad experience from it?? Anyone have any suggestions?

@Naimee87 if things don’t work out with MrElf hopefully you can think of it as a nice little fling, sometimes its nice to just have a short lasting but happy flash in the pan 😊

@Shayelle2009

I was just reading on another thread about how online dating is shit.. and someone on there said if you have the outlook that it’s shit then that’s what it will be for you… but I was just wondering how you are meant to start changing your mindframe to look at it all positively, when all you’ve had is 2 years of bad experience from it?? Anyone have any suggestions?

That's interesting.

There are many aspects of OLD that are sh1t or sub optimal.

Finding a new partner in general when you're at a stage in life when you have responsibilities, financial independence and your own interests / don't want or need a partner have children with or for social reasons ... you're less likely to compromise.

I think most of us on this thread could have had a partner if we were happy to settle.

However, this feels no different from when I had an active social life and would get 'dates' with blokes I met in bars or through work. Granted once I wasn't an undergraduate finding women to date was hard.

You'd meet them for a drink, maybe before meeting up with your friendship group, or you'd get them to tag along to a party or a social thing you were attending. And then you'd observe and figure out if you liked them or not, often based on how they were with your friends or something else to do with the evening eg did they walk you back to the bus stop, call you a cab, have a suggestion for a fun thing to do the next day.
What we are all missing with OLD is the context that old style dating / meeting people when you're younger used to have.

And honestly my shit experiences with feeling let down or people disappearing or flaking are emotional experiences rather than just down to OLD. OLD is the equivalent of going to a bar on a Friday night - choosing which one it is, ie the singles bar (Tinder) the slightly posher wine bar (Bumble) or the fancy cocktail bar (Match / Hinge etc etc) ... anyway. The carpet might be less sticky. The blokes of a slightly different variety. But essentially you're just getting someone's number and then the whole shit show follows a remarkably similar pattern. Except in my case with less drugs, alcohol and longer hemlines.

[quote Shayelle2009]@Naimee87 if things don’t work out with MrElf hopefully you can think of it as a nice little fling, sometimes its nice to just have a short lasting but happy flash in the pan 😊[/quote]
This ^

I think most of us on this thread could have had a partner if we were happy to settle.

Well that's it exactly it @BelladiMamma

As I said up stream, pages ago, one of my friends has actually said to me that I mustn't want a relationship as I won't try. She is going out with a man on and off for 7 years who doesn't even have a job and had been in and out of work all along. Made no attempt to marry her. She'd have to carry both of them financially.

I just will not put up with that. I can get a man like that tomorrow but I'd rather be alone.

@ActonSquirrel

I think most of us on this thread could have had a partner if we were happy to settle.

Well that's it exactly it @BelladiMamma

As I said up stream, pages ago, one of my friends has actually said to me that I mustn't want a relationship as I won't try. She is going out with a man on and off for 7 years who doesn't even have a job and had been in and out of work all along. Made no attempt to marry her. She'd have to carry both of them financially.

I just will not put up with that. I can get a man like that tomorrow but I'd rather be alone.

Yup. I'm just not going to jeopardise what I've worked or fought for, let alone out my children's well-being at risk

Would actually prefer to carry on with the serial dating with low expectations or nothing at all! (But no more bloody flakes please!!)

@SpringlikeBunk thank you for sharing the article, I appreciate it.

@Isitreallyme177 thank you also for your insight.

@Dee03 you raise a good point re. Speed dating; it’s something I’ve thought of more recently myself.

Thank you guys for being so kind & supportive!

@BelladiMamma And honestly my shit experiences with feeling let down or people disappearing or flaking are emotional experiences rather than just down to OLD. OLD is the equivalent of going to a bar on a Friday night - choosing which one it is, ie the singles bar (Tinder) the slightly posher wine bar (Bumble) or the fancy cocktail bar (Match / Hinge etc etc) ... anyway. The carpet might be less sticky. The blokes of a slightly different variety. But essentially you're just getting someone's number and then the whole shit show follows a remarkably similar pattern. Except in my case with less drugs, alcohol and longer hemlines.

I love this!

I think most of us on this thread could have had a partner if we were happy to settle.

I could have settled with MrWales (my first iron, a year ago) but I knew he wasn't right for me now, he might have been right for me 20 years ago before kids/marriage, but not "grown-up" me.

@Shayelle2009 it certainly is, I'm much happier without the lodger from hell. I think I'll have to make sure I actually go out and do something other than the gym every day. I feel much better after getting out for a bit. I'm on the hunt for a rug for my hallway so that will give me something to look for.

[quote Isitreallyme177]@Shayelle2009 it certainly is, I'm much happier without the lodger from hell. I think I'll have to make sure I actually go out and do something other than the gym every day. I feel much better after getting out for a bit. I'm on the hunt for a rug for my hallway so that will give me something to look for.[/quote]
I'm thinking of building an annexe and renting it out. I'm hoping that I won't eat any sh1t mood sucking tenants...!

Maybe air BnB is the way to go because you know they're going to leave...!

That's a good article @HairyArsedMan

I actually do agree it's "state of mind"

but also it's important to respect one's own state of mind and comfort levels? I've had times when I've been happy with the randomness of online dating as it's all "ooh this is exciting and new".

Like my first stint on Tinder, I thought it was cool?

I hadn't had time to date before and like that article says, it was nice as a female getting "validation and attention" - I've gone from boring geek to a "young pilot and a millionaire and a dashing senior doctor all want to date me".

Can 100% agree I've had some "rom-com" moments like the article I posted said

("walking on air" after a good meet or follow-up or flirtation).

But now that I've been on-off apps for 1.5 years it just feels quite emotionally stale and not the way to meet compatible people? After I met MrC last year I came off and it was already feeling a bit "ick" with the build-up of experiencing all the sexual entitlement.

Then with lockdown etc and seeing how things went with MrC I wasn't on them.

After being back on this spring/summer, it feels like one of those "gambling slot machines" where "it's compulsive but the house always wins"

I know also the apps are designed by marketing people who are paid squillions designed to make me psychologically addicted/keep swiping!

Like I've noticed that after a BAD interaction my first impulse is to "get back on there and swipe again to make the bad go away". Someone in a marketing/advertising department planned that....

(I'll get my tin-foil hat now )

Quick update from me: MrMud and I not due to meet up again until weekend after next due to holidays/childcare clash, But he's just heard that he is unexpectedly available tomorrow and the first thing he did was to check if I was free . So we are having date 5 tomorrow evening . This is my first iron that seems keen to meet at every opportunity, a non-flake will take some getting used to I think!

BelladiMamma and ActonSquirrel - spot on ladies. I'm not even sure why I want a man these days! When you're financially independent, kids no longer an option, don't want to live with anyone again - what's left? I don't have any single friends, so evenings out - that's what I'm looking for!
But seriously, I guess it's to love and be loved, to have that special someone who has my back and enhances my already happy life.