Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@bangheadhere40 how did your call with your new iron go?? 🙂

@BelladiMamma it’s a tough situation and must be worrying you, your DD is lucky to have you!

Currently quiet on apps - was chatting with an iron on tinder but turned out to be a flake so when I called him out on it he admitted he had lots going on and doesn't really have time to even consider dating - so just bugger off the apps then and stop wasting people's time 🤦‍♀️😡

So currently only got my date with Mr Local on the cards

I had an unnerving experience yesterday.

I think I told you guys about a social fab meet about 6 weeks back. Was hilarious, got on well etc. But there was a intuition thing telling me he was too keen. He was super keen. Then he cancelled on a couple of arrangements so I backed off, can't be arsed with that. He said it was work, but you know. You make an effort if you want to.
He obviously realised that I had backed off and sent a reassuring message saying he really likes me and it really was work. Couple of days later he blocked me everywhere.

Q yesterday I got about 6 huge messages from him on my phone and on fab saying .. so I guess I owe you an explanation. He then went on to say because of my trust issues he felt I was waiting for him to flake and couldn't stand being thought bad of etc. I essentially told him, you were keen. You flaked, you blocked, now you are blaming me for you bad behaviour. Eh no.
In the course of the conversation, which I only continued to see how mental he really was he came out with so many gems.

Just phone me and we can talk about the situation we both created
Get of your high horse
Stop trying to analyse me
Why can't you take responsibility for how you were off with me
I think you are so special
I felt like I fell in love with you that evening and could handle it
I just want to try make a go of a relationship with you
I hate that you are thinking bad of me
You are so wonderful
Why are you being so cold

After blocking his number on WhatsApp he fab messages to say, I can't believe you blocked me, I think so less of you that you'd do that. 😁😁😁

I said - so basically I didn't act how you wanted me too when you flaked on me, so you punished me by blocking me ...

ONE SERIOUS BULLET DODGED!

Sadly a year ago I'd not have recognised the narcissistic behaviour.

You'll be pleased to know he's blocked everywhere

Ooft @craving - absolutely well done for dodging that particular bullet. Actually sounds a bit scary.

@cravingthelook that is so weird, what was he thinking? Show's how mental apps have made people. No one know's whats genuine anymore. Trust issues are just gone! Nice behaviour comes across as fake or over-bearing. Then there's the super pushy types and game-players. Ghosters and love-bombers. Just takes its toll on your emotions but agree bullet definitely dodged.
I'm having a conversation this morning which i really am not looking forward too. I've come to realise what low self-esteem this guy i'm seeing has and how much reassuring i've had to do and how much bending-over backwards to 'please' him i've done in the short time we've got together. It's drained my energy and taken away the excitement out of everything. Like you a year or so ago i wouldn't have noticed the changes in my behaviour but following this thread has made me realise to keep my boundaries and be who i want to be not who someone wants you to be. I had some time away from him as he went back to his home country and just delayed coming back for various reasons. It made me realise i liked the idea of a 'relationship' with him but in reality we are so different. And live our lives very differently. Now he is saying he is coming back 'only for me' and i've realised i'm rather happy on my own actually. It's been relaxed and calm. I guees i'm just not ready for a relationship.

shayelle never happened in the end as a mate of mine popped over unexpectedly. I asked him if we can postpone or just meet for a coffee - he said he'd like to meet up.

He's at work today but will see if he messages later and try and plan something 🤞 hoping he isn't another flakey flake!!!!

He wants to call later instead now....I'd rather just meet up but will go with it.

@bangheadhere40 at least you can cut a call short if you’re not feeling it - ‘sorry I have to go my cat’s been sick’
He sounds keen though so maybe a call will go great and make you really look forward to a date :) hope it does.

Mr Lumberjack messaged last night to say he will send me photos today of the mood board for our weekend away I did laugh at that but this man just gets better - he plans things! With mood boards! And wants to see me for more than a few hours!
Trying not to be all cynical and assume he will flake and just enjoy it for now. After a horrendous first morning of back to school for one of my sons I’m ready to forget I’m a mother for a weekend.

@Naimee87 nope, you are just not ready for a relationship with a guy you have to bend so much for. Just end it for your own sanity.

I just ended a chat with an older guy I had a social coffee and then lunch with. His kiss was horrendously bad and he's looking for the whole settle down life (yeah on fab) but just not admitting it. I just sent the polite closure message. I feel relieved.

Naimee I'm sorry things have turned out this way with Mr E. You seemed so genuinely into him as well. Sometimes absence and distance can bring clarity. Better now than further down the line though. You are doing the right thing by being honest with yourself and recognising what is right for you and what isn't of course. You know what you need to do.

And this just goes to show how feelings can change without someone being the bad guy. If he was on Elfnet he might be asking how someone could be into the relationship and then go cold overnight. Did he do something wrong? Has he been played? Was she seeing someone else all along? Is she a bitch? We're on the other side of this fence and can see that you never meant to hurt him, you were genuine when you were into it and you're genuine now. Sometimes that's just how the mop flops and nobody did anything wrong.

Good luck chatting to him. If you're honest and kind you can't do any better.

Elfnet 🤣🤣🤣

Thanks - I will update about the call after! I have a good feeling about this one but my judgment is normally terrible 😕

And just cut off another, trying to arrange a coffee date was so hard. I had to organise the day, time, area and he's just asked me - so where (I.e which coffee shop)

I just said nah mate I'm not going to bother ... if he's he too lazy to research and suggest a coffee place in Edinburgh city centre he's too lazy for me.

cravingthelook - it really is quite scary that there are men like that out there! I feel sorry for his next 'victim' who might not be as strong as you.
Naimee87 - good luck with that convo. Are you actually talking or messaging?
MayEye - wow, a mood board. No one has ever done that for me, how exciting for you.

I've just had a 'let's meet for coffee' msg from MrNoKids. I know I said I'm not up for meeting yet, so do you think it'll be OK if I delay for a couple of weeks? Is that too flakey? Tbh I thought the convo would just fade away.

@HairyArsedMan or anyone else who seems to have understood- I am so sorry to pry, so please disregard if you want, but what is an environmental issue? I have scratched my head all morning..

[quote Myfabby]@HairyArsedMan or anyone else who seems to have understood- I am so sorry to pry, so please disregard if you want, but what is an environmental issue? I have scratched my head all morning..[/quote]
I understood it to mean specific to the home environment ... but i could be wrong

Hi all,

Not that I wish to pop up with another random question, but reading this thread I realise the OLD experience I’ve had seems to be that I’ve met all of the psychopaths. Clearly, it’s within my gift to stop this, but recently (within 3 months) been on a date with a guy who cried, and then told me I’d worn the same shoes twice to meet him; and another who got angry as I didn’t book a bar for post-dinner drinks, having arranged & paid for dinner. Then there’s the guys who never ask you how you are….I know I need to raise my standards, but does anyone else encounter the same sociopaths….

@Kazziepooes

That's why I'm off the apps tbh!

I'd say my screening and standards are fine and I've improved a lot thanks to this thread

but just too many weirdos to sift through to get to a couple of "ok first dates". When younger I was more resilient/open-minded, but now it just seems a waste of time and emotionally draining?

Then if the guys are "ok" they can get arrogant and it's hard work organising/taking things further?

I posted an article earlier about how in 2019 "dating fatigue" started

and a lot of people are opting out of the apps for that reason - lot of effort to get nothing more than "few good first dates that go nowhere, some friends, and a long fling but nothing more".

@MayEye love the moodboard idea!

@cravingthelook sorry for the dud dates! I reckon Fab can be deceptive - I found it was easy to get contacts but like you observed they can be a bit down the line

@Naimee87

Sounds like you're making the best decision for you and that's the best way to do things!

@Walkingalot

I think it would be fine to delay - in fact I think that's a good "test" of boundaries to see if he respects it? But if you are keen on keeping the contact, maybe communicate this so he doesn't see it as a "brush-off"? Or even remind him in two weeks yourself. I know if I suggested a meet and someone said "not now" I'd be worried they just weren't that into me.

@bangheadhere40

hope call goes ok!

@SpringlikeBunk thank you very much for your input here. I will checkout the thread you mentioned!

I’m not especially pleased others are having the same hardships, but honestly, I’ve seen guys turn into animals and just no longer want this kind of drain.

Noted on coming off the apps, I may very well do the same; I can’t spend any more time with men who simply bring absolutely nothing to the party. However, I’d hate to give up the hope that there are some decent men. I just feel that I’ve put up with SO much sh!t and it stops here. Thank you very much!

Obviously it's kind of biased presentation as there are success stories, but agreed with a lot of points here

Quote:

“You need a lot of swipes to get a match, a lot of matches to get a number, a lot of numbers to get a date and a lot of dates to get a third date,” explains Scott Harvey, editor of Global Dating Insights, the online dating industry’s trade news publication.

“Trying to find a partner in this way is extremely labour-intensive and can be quite exasperating,” he says"

@cravingthelook good for you! You aren’t his Mum or au pair FFS

I agree about coming off the apps. Having to trawl through the weirdos to find just one person I liked was getting to me and then when I did meet someone I liked it didn't work out as I hoped. I might try again at some point but for now I need to concentrate on other things.

I was having a shit morning, have court tomorrow for this car insurance claim and no one has checked how I am (shows I'm not a priority to them or even worthy of a how are you message). I also realised I spoke to no one yesterday and was feeling lonely. I've also got an ear infection so my hearing is muffled in one ear. So I called a friend from work and had a good gossip, I could still do with one of Mr Cricket's hugs (he does give good hugs) but he is working (or possibly avoiding but he says he isn't).

@Kazziepooes

Maybe it's an age/sensitivity thing, but it feels like I'm signing up to bullying and harassment and weird behaviour for a couple of good meets that go nowhere? It's just too much.

And (not that it should matter) I don't go for "gym bodies alpha male player looking types" and the crazy behaviour is still there? The lack of accountability means a lot of guys behave in ways they wouldn't to someone who was in their social group or workplace.

I've decided to try speed dating next as at least there's some "system" to it and I think it will be easier to screen face-to-face.

@Kazziepooes
My friend and I were talking about trying speed dating....like you say it might be more affective actually seeing the person face to face rather than msging for weeks and getting on little a house on fire but then when you meet there's just zero spark....which has happened to me very recently

@cravingthelook I had absolutely the same with Mr Fencing after he behaved disgustingly - he still maintains (through a variety of different phone numbers since I keep blocking him) that i made him behave the way he did, errr no mate you’re responsible for your own actions thanks 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️ Glad u dodged that bullet!