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Original poster

Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

990 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 25/08/2021 21:34

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
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6
BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 09:52

@Onesmallstep67 they definitely prevent me from having a full on relationship. I don't want anyone else messing with my DD's poor head!

BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 09:52

@BelladiMamma

Ok here goes. Trying to make this as concise as possible.

Ex h lives nearby with a new gf who DC think but aren't sure, is about 10 years younger than him eg max 35 yo. She has no kids and no fixed job, is very glam and a party girl (like me when he met me! Except I had a very well paid job!)

DD has some MH issues which I've shared when DD is ready, with my ex h (her father). His attitude is generally to leave me to get on with organising the school support, EdPysch, counsellor, CBT. I am up to the job but obviously it makes me sad that he's so had a off. Equally he's not very empathetic etc

DD had a flare up, think eating disorder, when she was staying with ex and his new gf

I figured something was wrong but didn't know the details. Probed a bit but carried on with the usual support programme and trusted that she'd tell me when she was ready.

Over the weekend she told me that the gf knew she'd had a flare up and that it was new more dangerous symptoms, eg think suicidal ideation. Gf didn't tell Dad let alone me. This was nearly 3 months ago

Things have been very hard with the gf for me, she has insisted my ex block me on WhatsApp and other channels. I'm not allowed to the house for pick up. She's road raged me and generally bad mouths me in front of my DC. However she also treats DD to clothes and confides in her, tells her 'secrets' about her and DH. Found out about the new MH issues when taking her on a shopping trip and DD was very 'off' when she came back from this trip

So, I know how to 'take' all this without getting angry etc and I have listened to and reassured DD

The issue is, gf is keeping safeguarding issues from me and ex. How do I approach this? Talk to ex? Try to open comms with the gf? Keep encouraging DD to confide in me?

*hands off
Onesmallstep67 · 31/08/2021 09:53

X post bella - I am going to re read your last post. What a difficult and complex situation FlowersFlowers

Onesmallstep67 · 31/08/2021 10:04

For context @BelladiMamma what age bracket is your DD in ? How long has exH’s gf been on the scene /living with him ? My best friend’s DD has a complex eating disorder and my own DD’s friend has also recently been displaying suicidal intentions. My first instinct would be to establish how comfortable your DD is with visiting her Dad and the gf.

BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 10:10

@Onesmallstep67

For context *@BelladiMamma* what age bracket is your DD in ? How long has exH’s gf been on the scene /living with him ? My best friend’s DD has a complex eating disorder and my own DD’s friend has also recently been displaying suicidal intentions. My first instinct would be to establish how comfortable your DD is with visiting her Dad and the gf.
She's 14-16

She doesn't like going and I respect that. She only goes when she wants to

Ex met gf in Ibiza last summer she moved in 2 weeks later in September

Onesmallstep67 · 31/08/2021 10:14

The bit that jumps out bella is ExH’s gf not speaking to your ex about the suicidal ideation. That implies she feels she has a status in this situation but IMO she doesn’t- unless your ex has lead her to believe she does.

BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 10:15

@Onesmallstep67

The bit that jumps out bella is ExH’s gf not speaking to your ex about the suicidal ideation. That implies she feels she has a status in this situation but IMO she doesn’t- unless your ex has lead her to believe she does.
Yes that was my thought too. Very troubling. However crap my ex is he'd want to know
ActonSquirrel · 31/08/2021 10:25

@BelladiMamma

No court would force a child of that age to go to contact and stay there if they don't want to. Round about 11-12 the courts stop forcing them. You can't drag a 12 year or older.

I'd seriously consider not letting her go there again until she is doing better.

ActonSquirrel · 31/08/2021 10:29

Mr Penpal initiated contact with me last night. Kept chatting to me in the early hours when we were both awake. Now he us quiet but tbf he js at work now.

He got quite flirty / sexy with me again. Didn't last long as we both fell asleep. Feel like asking if I'm the only one he speaks to like that but what is the point.

BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 10:32

[quote ActonSquirrel]@BelladiMamma

No court would force a child of that age to go to contact and stay there if they don't want to. Round about 11-12 the courts stop forcing them. You can't drag a 12 year or older.

I'd seriously consider not letting her go there again until she is doing better.[/quote]
She only goes when she wants to. We've been through the contact issues, she stopped for a while then decided to start again. She's goes once every so often, say 2/3 weeks for a night or so. I won't stop her and I won't force her ❤️

Onesmallstep67 · 31/08/2021 10:35

Does exH now know that gf kept this suicidal ideation from him ? I would be furious if it came out that my DD had told my DP about something so serious and he hadn’t told me.
Sorry bella you’re sharing this because of the very understandable impact it’s had on you in the last few days. Without sounding off hand , it’s good that it happened a few months ago and that DD didn’t act upon any thoughts at the time. It’s also good that she’s speaking to you openly about it now. She probably can see and understands some of the complexity of parents who have split, new partners and related issues. She may well have not said anything at the time because she was in a difficult place. I would continue to keep the communication with your DD as open as possible and give her the choice always about contact with her DF and the gf. If you feel he needs to know, explain to exH what his gf did and that whilst their relationship is his business, anything related to or impacting DD is most definitely your business so issues or incidents such as this will not be tolerated. Ultimately DD’s health and well-being should be way ahead in anyone’s priorities than anything else.

BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 10:39

@Onesmallstep67

Does exH now know that gf kept this suicidal ideation from him ? I would be furious if it came out that my DD had told my DP about something so serious and he hadn’t told me. Sorry bella you’re sharing this because of the very understandable impact it’s had on you in the last few days. Without sounding off hand , it’s good that it happened a few months ago and that DD didn’t act upon any thoughts at the time. It’s also good that she’s speaking to you openly about it now. She probably can see and understands some of the complexity of parents who have split, new partners and related issues. She may well have not said anything at the time because she was in a difficult place. I would continue to keep the communication with your DD as open as possible and give her the choice always about contact with her DF and the gf. If you feel he needs to know, explain to exH what his gf did and that whilst their relationship is his business, anything related to or impacting DD is most definitely your business so issues or incidents such as this will not be tolerated. Ultimately DD’s health and well-being should be way ahead in anyone’s priorities than anything else.
Yes, I am with you.

I'm literally struggling with the 'how'. It's DD's birthday this week and I am going to let things chug along. I was thinking when she was back at school I'd ask ex to take a dog walk with me

And knowing how much of a liar he is, whether or not to go direct to the gf too, as it's a safeguarding issue, so effectively talk to both of them. But how? It's going to get complicated but I'm a great believer in facing the issues not hiding from them

BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 10:40

@Onesmallstep67

Does exH now know that gf kept this suicidal ideation from him ? I would be furious if it came out that my DD had told my DP about something so serious and he hadn’t told me. Sorry bella you’re sharing this because of the very understandable impact it’s had on you in the last few days. Without sounding off hand , it’s good that it happened a few months ago and that DD didn’t act upon any thoughts at the time. It’s also good that she’s speaking to you openly about it now. She probably can see and understands some of the complexity of parents who have split, new partners and related issues. She may well have not said anything at the time because she was in a difficult place. I would continue to keep the communication with your DD as open as possible and give her the choice always about contact with her DF and the gf. If you feel he needs to know, explain to exH what his gf did and that whilst their relationship is his business, anything related to or impacting DD is most definitely your business so issues or incidents such as this will not be tolerated. Ultimately DD’s health and well-being should be way ahead in anyone’s priorities than anything else.
He doesn't know, unless gf told him and he didn't pass it on to me. DD says gf and she spoke about it alone and decided not to involve her father

Ffs. Keeping 'secrets' of this sort is not on

Isitreallyme177 · 31/08/2021 10:44

Is she confiding in the gf? I can see how you must be feeling angry/frustrated at not being told but she may not want to break your daughter's trust. Could you have a chat with both the ex and gf and say that if she says anything that causes concern to the gf then she needs to pass it on. The gf may not see it as a Safeguarding issue and sees it as being confided in. The gf is in a tricky situation. Maybe try and sort it out with the girlfriend, I'm not saying you've done anything and she sounds nuts but if your daughter is confiding in her then your daughter is obviously comfortable talking to her. I know from Brownies, kids sometimes feel more comfortable telling something to someone who isn't a parent.

BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 10:48

@Isitreallyme177

Is she confiding in the gf? I can see how you must be feeling angry/frustrated at not being told but she may not want to break your daughter's trust. Could you have a chat with both the ex and gf and say that if she says anything that causes concern to the gf then she needs to pass it on. The gf may not see it as a Safeguarding issue and sees it as being confided in. The gf is in a tricky situation. Maybe try and sort it out with the girlfriend, I'm not saying you've done anything and she sounds nuts but if your daughter is confiding in her then your daughter is obviously comfortable talking to her. I know from Brownies, kids sometimes feel more comfortable telling something to someone who isn't a parent.
Gf saw signs when they were shopping. And I understand the confiding in other adults thing. However, if it's brownies or school there are proper structures in place so that the child can be supported. Gf didn't seem to take any of the wider issues into account or 'do the right thing'
Isitreallyme177 · 31/08/2021 11:00

Could you talk to the girlfriend? Say to her what you've said here? Tell her if your daughter confides in her or she sees signs to tell your ex if she doesn't want to tell you. If the girlfriend won't talk to you, talk to your ex and get him to talk to her.

BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 11:06

@Isitreallyme177

Could you talk to the girlfriend? Say to her what you've said here? Tell her if your daughter confides in her or she sees signs to tell your ex if she doesn't want to tell you. If the girlfriend won't talk to you, talk to your ex and get him to talk to her.
I don't know if I can talk to her. I don't have her number and she's asked ex to stop contact with me 'as it stresses her out' when he's in touch with me
HairyArsedMan · 31/08/2021 11:18

[quote FireandBrimstone]**@Wolfie11* welcome. One of the key things I've learned from being part of this thread is the concept of Date Zero - ie, that the first time you meet someone from OLD in real life, it's not a date, it's a pre-date to establish whether you think you could* move towards dating. I've found this a really liberating concept, which kind of eases the perceived pressure around a first meeting. Could you frame your get together with Mr Green in that way, if it helped make it feel like less of a Thing?

I have to share with you all an unexpected development here - my latest Tinder match is a former colleague from about 25years ago! I actually swiped right on him when he came up within a few days of me first joining Tinder (I totally swithered about it at the time but then I figured 'what the hell, he can always swipe left on me and no harm done'). Six weeks later and I'd long ago written it off, and who pings up?

In possibly related news... is 20mins a record for match-to-phone-number-swap timing? Wink[/quote]
The Date Zero concept is not widely employed and I'm unsure it works as a guy. I had a cool date zero with MissBC and she assumed disinterest and in fact said she wasn't interested in me as a result of that diffidence. I've found a lot of women on dates expect flattery and flirtation which I'm not particularly good at, especially when I don't really know someone. I'm witty and genuine and try to bring that to the table rather than any seduction strategy.

@Languidleopard I'm posting on Mumsnet. Probably not alpha male on that basis but would never label myself any which way. However I've not flaked on anyone. Been flaked on lots. It's the nature of the beast. People dipping toes in, unsure about random internet stranger, overflowing with random internet strangers etc.

So my date yesterday. Activity in the morning, nice lunch, afternoon walk, and then a takeaway back at her apartment. Good fun throughout. Thing heated up, then imagine the sound of a needle being unceremoniously yoinked from a record, a total disaster in bed. I can't go into the specifics as completely outing, not a fetish thing either, rather an environmental issue but I was very much out of my comfort zone. I don't think it's a zone I can get into either. I'm still working my way through all the emotional aftermath (which I also didn't expect).

ActonSquirrel · 31/08/2021 11:27

I don't know if there is any point asking Mr Penpal if he speaks to others like that?

BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 11:30

@ActonSquirrel

I don't know if there is any point asking Mr Penpal if he speaks to others like that?
This is a question I asked myself about BeardFlake and IrishFlake and ultimately I'm now happy that I'm NC with both of them as I don't have to torture myself anymore x
BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 11:31

@HairyArsedMan oh gosh. So sorry about that. Is this something that you can talk through with her? How are you going to handle things from here? ThanksThanksThanks

SortingItOut · 31/08/2021 11:31

@BelladiMamma I would also be annoyed but I do wonder whether the GF didn't see the seriousness of it? Not that it is any excuse.

She doesn't seem very grown up if she forced your ex to cut contact 'as it stresses her out', more like she is jealous.

I would speak to your ex, he is your daughters father and should speak to his GF, she got with him knowing he had children so she should listen to him regarding how he wants his child parented.

I'm sorry you are going through this and have no one in real life to talk to🤗

SortingItOut · 31/08/2021 11:34

@HairyArsedMan If its environmental and you were at her place would things be better if she came to yours?

Could the environmental issues at hers be changed in any way to improve things or is it not something that can be changed?

ActonSquirrel · 31/08/2021 11:34

@BelladiMamma

Also he is hardly going to say yes is he? He will say no. But perhaps would make him aware I'm thinking along those lines.

BelladiMamma · 31/08/2021 11:36

[quote SortingItOut]@BelladiMamma I would also be annoyed but I do wonder whether the GF didn't see the seriousness of it? Not that it is any excuse.

She doesn't seem very grown up if she forced your ex to cut contact 'as it stresses her out', more like she is jealous.

I would speak to your ex, he is your daughters father and should speak to his GF, she got with him knowing he had children so she should listen to him regarding how he wants his child parented.

I'm sorry you are going through this and have no one in real life to talk to🤗[/quote]
Yes, after all the gf is a side show. It's his setting of boundaries and relationship with the gf as regards parenting and children that's all wrong. She should know to talk to him.

I don't think it's a case of having another equal adult in the parenting dynamic that could help us with our DD, gf has shown through her actions that's she not that kind of person