Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Languidleopard @SpringlikeBunk I've had plenty of so called 'respectable' men speak to me like that. Then 'cancel' you if you don't respond in kind. #metoo culture is alive and well and thriving where men have any power. Even at effing fifty it happens to me! Aaaargh take me away and let me lie down in a darkened room and forget all about 'alpha' men. Which is of course why I keep connecting with flakes as they're the opposite of that and won't even bloody meet you 😭

@Stayingstrongish

Hi, I’m new to the thread! Hoping to try OLD for the first time in 15 years soon. Thanks for sharing all your experiences, I’m finding it very helpful. My husband unexpectedly left me this year, we have a toddler and a five year old. I’m torn between staying single and having a drama free life and finding someone to go on dates with again. I don’t know whether anyone would be interested in a nearly 40 something with two small children anyway.

Welcome to the thread @Stayingstrongish.

I know what you mean about being uncertain about whether you want a drama free life or finding someone in date.

It took me ages to get the courage together to get a profile up, but now I've done it, I don't have any regrets. Nothing too awful has happened to me (yet ) and even though I've only had one date zero, I've learnt so much about myself in the process so far.

Read "the rules" at the start of the thread and just go for it 😁

@SpringlikeBunk he sounds like someone who is very good at creating and projecting a certain kind of image - the guy who is nice to kittens and old people - while letting rip on the Internet where he thinks he can get away with it! Not good. Bullet dodged I think.

And you raise an interesting point @BelladiMama re going against type. My XH was a definite alpha male and I've been attracted to the opposite ever since - geeky, more self aware, less confident blokes.

Could this explain the not responding to messages, cancelling date zeroes and general flakiness I'm dealing with on OLD🤔?

Surely there has to be a happy medium!

[quote Languidleopard]@SpringlikeBunk he sounds like someone who is very good at creating and projecting a certain kind of image - the guy who is nice to kittens and old people - while letting rip on the Internet where he thinks he can get away with it! Not good. Bullet dodged I think.

And you raise an interesting point @BelladiMama re going against type. My XH was a definite alpha male and I've been attracted to the opposite ever since - geeky, more self aware, less confident blokes.

Could this explain the not responding to messages, cancelling date zeroes and general flakiness I'm dealing with on OLD🤔?

Surely there has to be a happy medium![/quote]
It's one of my theories about the flakes but what do I know I never get to meet them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Right, now I've cleared IrishFlake out of my headspace I've got another date zero lined up for Wednesday

I'll call him MrTattoo

Not long till my speed dating hope that comes through and I have time to attend!

Hoping the initial face to face contact and the "brick phone number with no WhatsApp" and my "new chat strategy" (a bit grey rock) will pay off.

I don't mean in terms of finding the love of my life but just "eliminating more flakes and weirdos".

The way I see it, if I meet someone at speed dating and we like the look of each other there's no need then to do the whole "text flirt" thing so I can be fairly brief, just go to phone calls rather than constant messaging etc?

@SpringlikeBunk

Not long till my speed dating hope that comes through and I have time to attend!

Hoping the initial face to face contact and the "brick phone number with no WhatsApp" and my "new chat strategy" (a bit grey rock) will pay off.

I don't mean in terms of finding the love of my life but just "eliminating more flakes and weirdos".

The way I see it, if I meet someone at speed dating and we like the look of each other there's no need then to do the whole "text flirt" thing so I can be fairly brief, just go to phone calls rather than constant messaging etc?

Yes! And follow up meet even if it stays low key coffee ☕️ date zero type thing.

Definitely @BelladiMamma that's my strategy - low key

I did attend one event AGES ago but I was young and got too drunk and ended up "overdoing things" with picking up random contacts I didn't really like or get on with!

But I'm just seeing this as a chilled sedate night out - I won't drink too much or overdress, I won't "stay for after chat".

And I don't want instant passionate intensity just after moving.

Can I join 😳?

I’m 28, split from my ex of 5 years 3 months ago. I’ve got one 9 year old DS, he spends three nights a week with his dad.

I joined Tinder a month ago after I got a bit tipsy then deleted it a few days later. There was one guy from there that I’d given my number to and he added me on social media. I’ll call him Mr Green! We chatted a bit and he seemed really nice and keen but I ended up telling him that it was probably too soon and I wasn’t looking for anything at the moment. He was really nice about it. Over the weekend I posted a photo on social media and he messaged me about it. We got chatting again and he’s asked me out on Saturday. I told him I’ll let him know tomorrow but I still don’t know if I’m actually ready. I’m not feeling at my best, I lost some weight after the breakup and I kind of had in my head that I would change loads of things about myself and my life before I started dating. That’s obviously not happened but I’m not sure if it ever really will if that makes sense? I kind of think I’m possibly trying to make myself perfect before I get back out there which just isn’t realistic.

I’m also not sure if I actually want to go, I’m really nervous about it. I don’t know if it’s just nerves (I’ve never been on a date!) or if it’s that I don’t really like him? Or do you not really know if you like someone through online dating until you meet them? I’m so confused 😩. Do I just go and it’ll hopefully give me an idea of whether I’m actually ready to start moving on or not? I re joined Tinder as well but there’s not really any spark or excitement about it if I’m being honest. A lot of matches but no one that’s messaged me really stands out, it’s all just a bit meh if I’m being honest!

@SortingItOut - Colchester is doable for me, depending on what time/location as have a lunch-time catch up with ex in-laws.

MrPilot - turns out he can hang-glide . So, will have to rename him. He has one of those intelligent looking long faces and the more I look at his pics, not sure I'd fancy him.
MrNoKids has asked if he can WhatsApp me. I've said yes but no to phone calls.

Sorry to hear some of you are having a hard time. I've no intention of meeting anyone just yet either. I've put on a few pounds after stopping smoking and just don't feel my best. I've re-dated 3 ex's from OLD and it hasn't worked (well there's a surprise!). My self-confidence is low, so I suspect that was why I tried. Laziness!

@Wolfie11 - that's kinda where I'm at with how you're feeling. I'd say go for it. You really can't tell if there's any chemisty/connection until you actually meet. You could stall him by suggesting a FaceTime date? It's still nerve racking but in the comfort of your home.

@Wolfie11

welcome!

Just go with your instincts really? do you like the look of his photos and think you'd enjoy talking to him? (that doesn't mean you have to fancy the look of him). Does he seem like a nice person? (no red flags like being pushy or overly sexual)

You could just meet briefly for one coffee or drink and be away in 40 minutes and never see him again if you don't want to.

Or if it doesn't quite feel right then you don't have to go. It's your choice ultimately - as long as you put boundaries in it shouldn't be too much hassle either way.

@Wolfie11 welcome. One of the key things I've learned from being part of this thread is the concept of Date Zero - ie, that the first time you meet someone from OLD in real life, it's not a date, it's a pre-date to establish whether you think you could move towards dating. I've found this a really liberating concept, which kind of eases the perceived pressure around a first meeting. Could you frame your get together with Mr Green in that way, if it helped make it feel like less of a Thing?

I have to share with you all an unexpected development here - my latest Tinder match is a former colleague from about 25years ago! I actually swiped right on him when he came up within a few days of me first joining Tinder (I totally swithered about it at the time but then I figured 'what the hell, he can always swipe left on me and no harm done'). Six weeks later and I'd long ago written it off, and who pings up?

In possibly related news... is 20mins a record for match-to-phone-number-swap timing?

@FireandBrimstone some time ago I matched with someone we used to work together about 20 years ago too. But as it turned out he had really changed in that time.. he’d become really creepy, stalky and a bit obsessive. It was a shame as we used to get on so well. I had to block him in the end then for months after he kept trying to contact me. I actually got a bit scared. Hopefully yours wont be like that though!!

@SpringlikeBunk I’m loving hearing your mindframe about the speed dating. Also the friendly brick phone 😆 I am totally going to live vicariously through you with your experience if that’s ok 😁

@Shayelle2009 eek. Sounds very unpleasant. And rightly a cautionary tale.
I've actually been minimalist with my info here - in fact this guy and I have kind of maintained a fairly consistent level of contact professionally between then and now. Still a fair point that who knows what he's like on a more personal level, so I will still proceed with caution.

My worry that's put me in a funk is still there and the person I'd normally talk to about it is away until mid September 😞

It's a step parenting dilemma (but I'm the mum) and I've skimmed through the step parenting section on MN and it's effing depressing

@Stayingstrongish I'm reasonably new to this, in my 40s and my marriage went tits up last year.

There is (another) great thread the other day titled Tinder/POF and on there was some stand out advice that gave me the nudge to have a look. Check out The Foundations responses on there, she talks so much sense.

Keep your expectations low, your standards and boundaries high. I'm struggling to articulate it this morning but essentially I'm someone who's always felt grateful for someone to be interested in me, and I've ignored red flags and dampened myself down for them. Now, you have the control, you can say yes or no, you can decide if this person will add to your life etc.

Easier said than done as old habits die hard but I do think you have to go in to it with the right mind set, maybe only allow yourself to look at it every other day/at weekends.

Just to add, for me I just wanted to see what was out there and start 'conditioning' myself to the idea of talking to another man, maybe even a date. Meeting someone IRL is going to be hard with kids and a busy life, so I'm seeing this as like a bit of practice. It helped sort out what I think I want, a bit of chat is nice.

What’s up @BelladiMamma… do you want to air it? 🙂

@Shayelle2009 yes I would ... but I'm concerned it's not an OLD topic ...

I'm struggling to articulate it this morning but essentially I'm someone who's always felt grateful for someone to be interested in me, and I've ignored red flags and dampened myself down for them. Now, you have the control, you can say yes or no, you can decide if this person will add to your life etc.

That makes so much sense and it is a view I've tried to take for a while. @Getbehindme

Trying to not worry about what their intentions are and think about whether or not I want this is in my life.

The same with me, I need to stop moulding around them and asking what they bring to my life.

I have a new iron, seems normal, don't want to tempt fate and name him as he'll probably disappear or do something that puts me off 😄

It’s ok Bella I asked advice about the situation with my friend the other day.. I’m sure everyone here will try and help.. amazing wiseness on here! x

Date last night was ok. Spent 3 hours happily chatting. He was much better looking than his pics gave him credit for - but no spark. We just didn't really have much in common unfortunately.

Ok here goes. Trying to make this as concise as possible.

Ex h lives nearby with a new gf who DC think but aren't sure, is about 10 years younger than him eg max 35 yo. She has no kids and no fixed job, is very glam and a party girl (like me when he met me! Except I had a very well paid job!)

DD has some MH issues which I've shared when DD is ready, with my ex h (her father). His attitude is generally to leave me to get on with organising the school support, EdPysch, counsellor, CBT. I am up to the job but obviously it makes me sad that he's so had a off. Equally he's not very empathetic etc

DD had a flare up, think eating disorder, when she was staying with ex and his new gf

I figured something was wrong but didn't know the details. Probed a bit but carried on with the usual support programme and trusted that she'd tell me when she was ready.

Over the weekend she told me that the gf knew she'd had a flare up and that it was new more dangerous symptoms, eg think suicidal ideation. Gf didn't tell Dad let alone me. This was nearly 3 months ago

Things have been very hard with the gf for me, she has insisted my ex block me on WhatsApp and other channels. I'm not allowed to the house for pick up. She's road raged me and generally bad mouths me in front of my DC. However she also treats DD to clothes and confides in her, tells her 'secrets' about her and DH. Found out about the new MH issues when taking her on a shopping trip and DD was very 'off' when she came back from this trip

So, I know how to 'take' all this without getting angry etc and I have listened to and reassured DD

The issue is, gf is keeping safeguarding issues from me and ex. How do I approach this? Talk to ex? Try to open comms with the gf? Keep encouraging DD to confide in me?

I think the collective wisdom and support on here is amazing. @BelladiMamma, I think if you feel you want to share go ahead. We’ve had lots of topics covered which are all the ripple effect of how we feel about ourselves or situations in our lives that impact our ability to seek and maintain relationships