Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Naimee87

Incidentally I was in a parallel situation over Xmas with "two men, one more boyfriendy but working away, one from the past who was a bit more of a fuckwit"

And rather than thinking of it as a Mills and Boon style "pick the right one", I just let it all pan out with an attitude of "you do you" rather than try to control things or make serious decisions and it all went fine?

I kind of dated both (just the way holiday dates worked) and I'm glad I had that experience, and both contacts have fizzled out naturally as I got my career/city move sorted anyway?

Men put themselves first, I'd just focus on yourself and your stuff and meet up with your irons as you fancy.

[quote FireandBrimstone]@Onwards - wee friendly, non-hun, hug here. All this stuff is so hard anyway and it must be tricky with the waiting game you're having to play.

Likewise @Bella your post resonated with how I've felt the last couple of days. It's all so bloody exhausting. I find weekends the worst actually and was quite blue yesterday as a result.

While I'm at it, for us all. What a shitshow conveyor belt of potatoes is OLD. Apart from the good ones mentioned here, obv!

Having said that - would appreciate a quick sense check. How frequently do you message when in this limbo period before you meet? Daiky? Several times a day? Every two or three days? Trying very hard not to over invest in Mr Printer who we've messaged for the last 10days, have agreed to meet but shifts and childcare in the way for prob at least the next 5 days minimum, maybe more. I find the daily updates / good morning-or-night stuff all just tiring at this point, so much pressure to be wildly entertaining and /or at least not put him off firming up on Date Zero. But don't want him to think I'm cooling off either.

What kind of frequency do you all go for? [/quote]
@FireandBrimstone after good advice on here, I now make it clear really early on I'm not into lengthy text exchanges.

Primarily I don't have the time, energy or inclination. As I'm fairly laid back about finding someone I reckon they either like it or they don't. That's the reality of me, and best they discover that sooner rather than later.

I also know I have a very fertile imagination and know I will start constructing my perfect personality for them using their texts as base material. Then when we meet and they don't live up to my expectations I've scuppered myself before we've begun.

Finally, once you've established a comms pattern it's hard to change it. If you keep replying to the daily check ins, it's hard to stop doing so without looking like you're slow fading or losing interest.

@Misty9 I do feel pressured to date by you all though. Particularly today. It seems like every time I post about Mr. Gambit, It's all 'meet him as soon as possible!' You may not think it is, but it's pressure, and it's affecting me, today more than anything.

We both have other things to deal with, I'm not the most important thing in his life, I know that, and he's not the most important person in mine. We just seem to click with one another. Things might happen or things might not, and what will be will be ❤️

Sending 💖 to all those feeling a bit rubbish today. @Misty9 hope you're feeling a little less shit today.

I'm bucking the thread trend and have unsnoozed my Bumble profile and swiped through everyone. So many profiles with no bios or blurry selfies - tut tut

So far no emotional hangover from Saturday lunch with Mr Breadcrumbs. I've had 2 really nice days doing fun stuff with friends and with my daughter and feel like I'm ready to get out there again.

@Languidleopard

I'm currently enjoying getting to grips with my shit "dating burner phone"!

I got it last year actually but then I went steady(ish) with someone so wasn't on the apps from August so didn't need it.

Old skool design and it feels good

I'm also going to do exactly what you've said with "setting a comms pattern" if I have any more irons this year

even though I CAN write for England, just keep initial messages friendly but brief and not too many?

The East Anglian contigent are meeting for coffee on Saturday 11th September if anyone would like to join us (thats right, , only 2 in the contigent so far, myself and @Dancerinthemoonlight😂)
We usually meet in Colchester but if others join us we can find somewhere more central to us all.

I don't think I have anything planned for 11th. Colchester likely too far though

Any chance of a London meet up if any londoners?

@ActonSquirrel

I don't think I have anything planned for 11th. Colchester likely too far though

Any chance of a London meet up if any londoners?

I'd be up for that

@ActonSquirrel We might be able to come further south depending on who else is interested.

I'm East anglia but have my kids that weekend.

Still bleeding and some painful cramps, but much less anxious now Mr Tall has blocked me and Mr runner is starting to do my head in with his self pitying state...! The kids are driving me slightly potty though. Bring on the return to school!

@SpringlikeBunk i love the idea of having my pick depending on my route! But it’d be of other truckers seeing as they are my type. I can go for the ones with the best trucks!! Such an excellent plan!
You hit the nail on the head though too i’m just feeling like ‘whats the point.’ We had a video chat and he asked if things had changed and i was honest and said its just draining keeping things going like this. But even seeing his face i just wasn’t drawn to him and didn’t get that butterfly (sound like a teenager) feeling. He is coming back but doesn’t know when he’s setting off. And we’ll have to talk face to face. But i’m thinking i need my single-ness back! My nice calm life with my teenytiny family. Other people massively complicate things and i mustn’t be ready even if i thought i was. The thought of having no one to date is really appealing right now.
@Languidleopard usually i can write for england too and love a good txt session over a video chat or phone call but it has got exhausting. And he just needed so much reassuring all the time. I feel terrible now about reassuring him all those many times. I should have let him go and said we’ll limit contact rather than go extreme and be in constant contact. I’ve felt so free today having had my phone busy playing music rather than stuck in my hands.

Oh, the vileness of the apps I am SO through with them,

Got a message from someone I was chatting to who I was "a bit on the fence about" so just didn't reply to their last message a month ago.

(they work away and as I'm moving I didn't want to be exchanging lots of messages)

Good on chat but not quite sure about attraction for a few reasons.

So they message again saying they're back in town, about meeting for a coffee and I reply that I'm moving (but being polite).

Out of the blue I get a "shame if we can't meet, could have had some 'fun'" with a leery emoticon

Bear in mind we haven't been regularly chatting, or flirting over chat, or anything like that.

and they're more on the geeky side of the looks spectrum and our main communication last month was about "recommendations for books to read".

Hi, I’m new to the thread! Hoping to try OLD for the first time in 15 years soon. Thanks for sharing all your experiences, I’m finding it very helpful. My husband unexpectedly left me this year, we have a toddler and a five year old. I’m torn between staying single and having a drama free life and finding someone to go on dates with again. I don’t know whether anyone would be interested in a nearly 40 something with two small children anyway.

@Naimee87

Personally with the regular parade of creeps and degenerates sometimes I can feel like I MUST accept the first decentish guy who is interested in me

(plus all the societal messages about women having to be grateful for men who maintain an interest and want us yadda yadda yadda).

But it's down to what we want and what makes us comfortable

@SpringlikeBunk i think there’s so much societal pressure on women to be in relationships to have ‘succeeded’ at life. I had it really tough in my late 20’s just hated being single but i’m well and truly over that feeling now. I don’t know how i got here but i’m just much more balanced and i suppose i’ve managed to accept my situation and be happy with it the way it is. I no longer compare myself to anyone else.
I’d really like this week to myself so i have a little more time to get things clearer in my head. But i’m not sure if he’a already here tomorrow.
Which emoji is the leeery one? that made me laugh! What a random weirdo. I really wish i could see what girls go for those types of lines… shocking!

@Stayingstrongish sorry to hear about your situation and i’m sure you’ve loads to
offer! Only way to find out if you’re ready is to dive into OLD and get looking!

@SortingItOut

The East Anglian contigent are meeting for coffee on Saturday 11th September if anyone would like to join us (thats right, , only 2 in the contigent so far, myself and *@Dancerinthemoonlight*😂) We usually meet in Colchester but if others join us we can find somewhere more central to us all.

If I didn't have my daughter's birthday I would come even though strictly speaking I'm not in your gang 😁

I also solemnly promise the SE contingent that I will organise a Brighton meet up once I feel better!

Talking of which date zero update about to upload ....

@Naimee87

😜

Along with the suggestion of “fun”.

And the crazy thing is absolutely no build-up, no chat over last few weeks....

“Oh yes, random phone person WhatsApp photo I haven’t ever met. My address is X, would you like your cup of tea before or after the sex?”

@Stayingstrongish

I agree you can put up a profile and have a look at the sites without actually committing to chat or meet anyone?

Or just chat for a bit and see what you think (or if it’s just too much)

everyone’s emotions are different so just check in with what feels comfortable for you to do ? There’s no rules or obligations.

So I went on a date zero with MissGinger which had been downgraded to a sort of let's meet and see if we get on as friends and who knows type thing.

Had a really nice evening, managed 2.5 hours together which for me, with a stranger on a first meet, is pretty good.

I was a bit worried as she was marching ahead at first, like literally not walking alongside me, and I felt like maybe she'd come despite her better judgement?

However once we sat down with a drink each and got stuck into chatting we had a really lovely time. She's very interesting, funny, sparky and well read.

There's definitely a spark but it will take me longer to warm to her in terms of wanting to leap into bed as she's not my usual physical type but great personality. It was strange, it was kind of a 'I can imagine growing old with you but not necessarily sexting you at 1 in the morning' type vibe.

So definitely up for another meet if she is.

Coped fine physically until the very end when I felt dizzy on the walk back to the car, but fine once sitting down again. So left at the right time I think!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Naimee87

😜

Along with the suggestion of “fun”.

And the crazy thing is absolutely no build-up, no chat over last few weeks....

“Oh yes, random phone person WhatsApp photo I haven’t ever met. My address is X, would you like your cup of tea before or after the sex?”

@Stayingstrongish

I agree you can put up a profile and have a look at the sites without actually committing to chat or meet anyone?

Or just chat for a bit and see what you think (or if it’s just too much)

everyone’s emotions are different so just check in with what feels comfortable for you to do ? There’s no rules or obligations.[/quote]
Oh god that's sooo out of order - and unattractive!

Let's hope his strategy never succeeds and eventually he'll get the message

Well jealous of your thread meet up. Think it could be the best date zero lots will have 😁

All this talk of keeping a distance type relationship going has me thinking tonight. Mr lumberjack is long distance and I do think the more I get to like him the more I’ll want to see him or worry the connection is fading. Or get bored

But Mr TG was relatively local and I hardly ever saw him.

On the other hand I don’t have every weekend free for sleepovers anyway so maybe distance is a good thing if we are able to make the most of the weekends we can spend together.
He’s also not a big texter and I find I’m fine with that at the moment. Roll on Friday
@Misty9 I missed your post. I hope you start to feel better from the physical symptoms soon. And give yourself time to heal emotionally too. I’m kind of glad you are seeing Mr Runner as draining at the moment to allow you to prioritise yourself and the kids

@BelladiMamma

Tbf he did ask first for coffee.

But not sure how if I didn’t have time for coffee I’d then change my mind and miraculously make time for sex with an average looking complete stranger

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

Tbf he did ask first for coffee.

But not sure how if I didn’t have time for coffee I’d then change my mind and miraculously make time for sex with an average looking complete stranger [/quote]
🤦🏻‍♀️ his fabulous conversational and coffee buying skills?

@SpringlikeBunk

Oh, the vileness of the apps I am SO through with them,

Got a message from someone I was chatting to who I was "a bit on the fence about" so just didn't reply to their last message a month ago.

(they work away and as I'm moving I didn't want to be exchanging lots of messages)

Good on chat but not quite sure about attraction for a few reasons.

So they message again saying they're back in town, about meeting for a coffee and I reply that I'm moving (but being polite).

Out of the blue I get a "shame if we can't meet, could have had some 'fun'" with a leery emoticon

Bear in mind we haven't been regularly chatting, or flirting over chat, or anything like that.

and they're more on the geeky side of the looks spectrum and our main communication last month was about "recommendations for books to read".

@SpringlikeBunk there's definitely something dehumanising about the apps. I doubt that guy would that guy would have spoken to you like that out of the blue IRL, for example

@BelladiMamma

So I went on a date zero with MissGinger which had been downgraded to a sort of let's meet and see if we get on as friends and who knows type thing.

Had a really nice evening, managed 2.5 hours together which for me, with a stranger on a first meet, is pretty good.

I was a bit worried as she was marching ahead at first, like literally not walking alongside me, and I felt like maybe she'd come despite her better judgement?

However once we sat down with a drink each and got stuck into chatting we had a really lovely time. She's very interesting, funny, sparky and well read.

There's definitely a spark but it will take me longer to warm to her in terms of wanting to leap into bed as she's not my usual physical type but great personality. It was strange, it was kind of a 'I can imagine growing old with you but not necessarily sexting you at 1 in the morning' type vibe.

So definitely up for another meet if she is.

Coped fine physically until the very end when I felt dizzy on the walk back to the car, but fine once sitting down again. So left at the right time I think!

@BelladiMamma sounds like a very promising date zero with definite potential 🙂

@Languidleopard

I know - all his social media profiles are laden with how he’s spent ages helping out charities when he’s not away working - 🤷‍♀️

Clearly cares a LOT about his reputation in the local community as a nice guy, does careers talks from his industry to Children? 🤷‍♀️

But as I’m a stranger and moving cities it’s ok to act like that.

I think once you start counting the behaviour like this it just all adds up and makes one so cynical!

@BelladiMamma Good you had a decent date zero and made a firm
Connection there!

@MayEye I’d just take it one day at a time and enjoy these early dates - can’t really control much beyond that!