Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I'm feeling very stupid and could do with a handhold... I'm having what I think is a very early miscarriage. It'd be less than 2 weeks but I'm pretty sure that's what I'm experiencing. Feeling crap and have the kids, plus have to self isolate for a hospital trip later this week. Yes, it was very stupid to have sex without protection, even the day after my period finished. I know :( and I've already sent off a sexual health kit too. I've messaged Mr runner but his phone is off and I doubt he'd be much help anyway. I'm a bloody idiot.

I think you should open them or you will always wonder what they say.

@BelladiMamma

Or friends I haven't slept with. I haven't had sex with Mr Penpal. He still talks about it and when we are going to be together.

He keeps saying it as if it is a given. Being together
. So when then.

So sorry @Misty9 hope you're doing okay

@VanGoghsDog

I use a nickname on dating apps, it's not a usual contraction of my name, though it is if another name. It's the nickname my parents and sister call me though and a few other people know of it and I have a story around why I'm called it. Plus I genuinely don't mind people calling me it so although I'll tell them my real name when we meet I have no problem with them continuing to use it. But conveniently it's not on any other sites etc (well, just one that I can think of).

Reverse image search only works if pictures on other sites are public. My linked in pic is not used on any other site. My Facebook photos are all private except you can't make your profile photo private so that's always a different one to the dating app photos.

And the only site I have my job title on is linked in and I only tell people a vague description of where I work and my actual role is very generic though I have an even more vague title on the apps, just "consultant".

I don't think people need all that information just to meet for coffee for an hour or so in a public place.

All really good advice. I was just going to post something similar. Just to add to the Facebook profile photos though, I think any you've had previously as profile pics can be seen even if they aren't currently. I think you can go back and make them private but most people don't ever bother to do this.

Reverse image can sometimes pick you up in similar pictures as well if they are clear so best to make sure nothing similar to any other sites on dating profiles (similar poses, layout etc).

I got grief a few times as my job on the apps usually just says "self employed" and I'd get rather snotty 'what is that supposed to mean?" almost as if its code for unemployed. Might just change it to "retail".

At the risk of sounding like a stalker, depending where you live (population wise) it is quite easy to find someone if you know their first name, what they look like and (even roughly) what they do. Which all usually happens in the first few messages.

Personally I wouldn't care if someone looked up stuff on me and I'm pretty easy to find stuff on, it'd mean they were at least semi interested. I've had a few in the past admit to Googling me and my business. It's acting on it and using it later that is the worrying thing, so probably best to be vague to start with.

@Misty9

I'm feeling very stupid and could do with a handhold... I'm having what I think is a very early miscarriage. It'd be less than 2 weeks but I'm pretty sure that's what I'm experiencing. Feeling crap and have the kids, plus have to self isolate for a hospital trip later this week. Yes, it was very stupid to have sex without protection, even the day after my period finished. I know :( and I've already sent off a sexual health kit too. I've messaged Mr runner but his phone is off and I doubt he'd be much help anyway. I'm a bloody idiot.

So sorry Misty. Hope you're ok. Do you have anyone you can tell? Xx

@Misty9 hope you're okay? Try not to beat yourself up about it, you're not stupid, things just happen sometimes.

I think any you've had previously as profile pics can be seen even if they aren't currently.

Yes, I always go back and make older profile pictures private. So only the current one can be seen. And actually my current one is a photo of a shadow of me so no way anyone could connect it.

My problem is that as well as my job being a bit tricky, I run my own business so if people find my name they can quite quickly find my business name and from there my address.

@VanGoghsDog this day and age its pretty tricky to hide yourself fully, just try to make it as difficult as possible and hope no one wants to put the effort in😂

I always forget to make old fb photos private, but last few years my profile picture has just been drawings of me by my kids, good luck to anyone finding me from those.

And it's a no to linking my Instagram. Can't believe so many do. Guess it can add to the interest and topics to chat about initially though.

@VanGoghsDog

I think any you've had previously as profile pics can be seen even if they aren't currently.

Yes, I always go back and make older profile pictures private. So only the current one can be seen. And actually my current one is a photo of a shadow of me so no way anyone could connect it.

My problem is that as well as my job being a bit tricky, I run my own business so if people find my name they can quite quickly find my business name and from there my address.

Yes, me too. MrBear had done a fairly extensive Google search on me pre meet & then sent me a critique of some work I'd done 🤨

@bopbopbopbop

And it's a no to linking my Instagram. Can't believe so many do. Guess it can add to the interest and topics to chat about initially though.

Big fat no from me too!!

@Misty9 this sounds horrible on top of everything else! Hoping you’ll be on the mend soon! Sometimes takes a heap of bad luck to realise changes need to be made and only can make the changes happen. I’m hoping someone’s on hand to help though if you’re pain or anything.

I’ve not got any social media not even any ‘professional’ profiles either. I think some men have unmatched me in the past because they think i’m a fake as they can’t verify me anywhere else? The whole reverse image search stuff sounds properly stalky
yay with MrMud! Happy for you!

@BelladiMamma definitely a *big fat no!!!

@Misty9 So sorry to hear this, have you got any support in real life?

Now is not the time to think about what you could have done differently but we can always learn lessons from everything.

Please get an STI check when you are able to.

Hey! I'm a bit bored and not getting many matches. There is one though, and he's the only one I've sent a superswipe too and by far the most attractive profile. Now, we matched last Friday, I sent a 'hello how are you' and not had anything from him. I'm tempted to send a follow up! Talk me down peeps!

For context, I'm 40s, I'm a co parent so I'm not looking for the love of my life. I can take it or leave it at this point. BUT this guy's profile really caught my eye and I was so pleased that we matched.

I know that reality is, he could be a knob, he could be a player, he could have accidently liked me, he might not look at Tinder very much, he might not like my profile. I dunno. I'm just terribly impatient I think.

@Naimee87 think that's what it is most of the time just verification that the account is real and the person isn't a total weirdo (bit of weird is fine obvs). Its almost a safety net.

Years ago a friend of mine Googled someone they were chatting to and found they'd been to court on drunken racism charges, quickly noped out of there.

I was pretty surprised on a previous thread when people said they asked for id before meeting, I get the safety side of it but I'd never give mine out to anyone I didn't know well, let alone an almost stranger online so couldn't expect anyone else to give me theirs. Knowing how flakey some can be you might not even meet for a date zero.

@Misty9 hope you're doing ok. Please don't beat yourself up

@Getbehindme I wouldn't send another message personally if you've already sent one. He may message later when he has more time to do back and forth or he may be an ego swiper who just swipes right on all and filters after a match so may disappear later

@Misty9

I'm feeling very stupid and could do with a handhold... I'm having what I think is a very early miscarriage. It'd be less than 2 weeks but I'm pretty sure that's what I'm experiencing. Feeling crap and have the kids, plus have to self isolate for a hospital trip later this week. Yes, it was very stupid to have sex without protection, even the day after my period finished. I know :( and I've already sent off a sexual health kit too. I've messaged Mr runner but his phone is off and I doubt he'd be much help anyway. I'm a bloody idiot.

@Misty9 holding your hand. Please be kind to yourself as berating yourself at this stage wil only make you feel more shit than I'm sure you already do.

We're all human and we all make mistakes. Give yourself some mental space and come back to the whys and what ifs when you're in better shape physically and you've processed stuff ❤

No, I've not really got anyone I can tell irl. One friend knows about Mr runner but she's busy. Feeling really shit. Waiting for a gp callback then will just get through today. Poor dc are getting the brunt of it :( I hate this anxiety.

@Getbehindme in my experience, if they're bothered they'll message so I wouldn't myself.
@Naimee87 it's good you've got a good friend to be with you when you open the messages. Did you see my PM by the way...? No worries if not.

Time to divorce my phone I think...

@Getbehindme I'm with @Slothmomma on this one and don't think you should message again. He's either interested or he's not.

Go and do something else to take your mind off him and leave it to fate 🙂

@Misty9 handholding here

Thanks all. I have a habit of being a bit impulsive and can easily convince myself it's low stakes/no pain no gain type situation.

@Misty9 I'm sorry you're going through this

So the messages are a selfie of us from when i last saw him… a comment about ‘despite everything he still thinks about me’ and he asked why i ignored his happy birthday messages? and if i passed my truck test… so i’ve opened them but not replied! He’ll know i’ve seen them though. I’ll archive them! I do feel relieved! But Oh boy do i want to tell him i passed my truck test. We did a lot of ‘studying’ together and he helped with theory questions, he was there at the start of it all.