Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I would just read the messages too. It will cause less angst than worrying about what they say.

Such good advice! It’s absolutely amazing how similar experiences are with each other on here! Helps to know you aren’t alone…yes the messages are doing my head in! And throwing a lot of doubt into my head about MrE. Feels like maybe i’ve thrown myself into this in the hope it’ll eradicate magnet-man for good. So i’m clearly not separating them am i? Luckily its been a busy weekend so magnet-man’s txts have been pushed down my list still unopened. I guess i need time to figure out my feelings for MrE and then when he is back have a conversation about how we see us working. I just don’t want a part-time relationship.

@Naimee87 Do you think because he doesnt have a job you saw each other too much so it became too intense too quickly?
Most people would be doing 1 date a week, possibly 2 but not every week.

When Mr E comes back maybe try not to let it get too intense otherwise you're developing feelings for something that isn't sustainable especially when he gets a job as his free time will be limited.

Personally I would open Mr Magnets messages and then archive them and then if he sends another one it won't notify you and instead you'll get a 1 in the corner.

@Naimee87, there’s a very strong chance that Magnet man - and his bloody texts !- are playing on your mind a lot more because Mr E is currently absent. If MM had got in touch and you were right in the midst of an intense, fun weekend with Mr E I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have felt so affected by them or MM’s reappearance. When things aren’t quite how you would like them to be it’s so easy to give something or someone more status or headspace than they deserve. There’s usually a very good reason why things didn’t proceed with these guys but in the absence of another, more fulfilling connection, they hang around in our minds filling the void.

I wonder if NOT opening the messages has given them more power? In that the constant niggle over what they might say will never go away and at the same time you feel a power over him because you know he can see you've not opened them?

You'd be more powerful to open them and yet still ignore them in fact. But that may be difficult.

I think your choices here are open and respond, open and don't respond, delete and block without opening (though not sure if that last is possible as once you click into the contact it will probably show as opened).

But I think leaving them unopened is taking too much headspace. Maybe ask a friend to open them and read them and let you know about the content?

Yes i suppose me working from home and him not having a job meant we had a lot of time together. And with my DS being away as well. I know if i open the messages i’ll cave so have to wait another week because the way i’m feeling with everything going on i’m only remembering the good times with Magnet-man. Which is terrible! I just don’t know when MrE is coming back and the longer it goes the less excited i am about him coming back. Says a lot doesn’t it.

@Naimee87 I think it's normal and natural to have feelings dwindle with such little face to face contact, so don't beat yourself up or read too much into that. I too would say read the messages, otherwise they are holding far too much power over you. Once you've read them you have the power over what to do next. All we can do is the best with what knowledge we have at that time. It's bloody hard all this though!

@Naimee87 Was just about to say the same as @Misty9. Relationships cannot be sustained on texts and calls alone, it might be fine years down the line but in a new relationship seeing each other is a big thing and helps to build the relationship.

Personally I'd give it until next weekend and if Mr E is not back then let him know you won't keep waiting and if he wants to meet up when he's back then message you.

Had a lovely date with MrMud yesterday, I'm still in his bed 😉 I'll update properly later ☺️

Absolutely agree! I’ll give him this week but also limit text/calls too because its draining my energy trying to keep things alive that way. I’m also no longer going to ask when he’ll be back and if it isn’t by the weekend definitely no longer being exclusive with him. Hmmmm the magnet-man messages i’ll see tonight if i can bring myself to open them. Not one person i know thinks i should. They think ignore/delete! I just can’t bring myself to do that though. Sucker for punishment me!

@Dirtyduck

Had a lovely date with MrMud yesterday, I'm still in his bed 😉 I'll update properly later ☺️

Ooh lovely update @Dirtyduck 😍

Naimee87 - the msgs could be really trivial and you'll wonder why you gave them so much head space. MrBE's 'I'm helping my sister move today' msg! What if I'd waited a week to open that!
Dirtyduck - When you've recovered, update please, lol.

My update

MrIrish has postponed our date zero twice. He's the only one I have feels for
MrItaly we're now trying to plan time together or a shared journey together. This could be good as I don't feel up to travelling alone and this is a more clear cut FWB situation
MrProperty is still waiting on a date zero. Not feeling it and tempted to unmatch
Miss Oxford and MissChelsea are not in the picture due to lack of messaging / complicated things going on in their lives
MissHazel is angling for a date
I have unmatched from 3 who were looking for a a date zero but I wasn't feeling it. One of them took it badly and tracked me down on another platform to complain. Like MRLocal the other day it was just a few low key messages about our dogs and it would be nice to meet for coffee / walk the dogs. I find it strange that people will go to the trouble of finding you just so they can have the last word? Each time it's been a man, to try to tell me they had good intentions and they were 'disappointed' in my behaviour. I mean 🤨 just take no for an answer, it wasn't to be etc etc
I find that a lot of guys also seem to be telling me what a good thing we'd be together without even taking the time to get to know me 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think this is the 50+ equivalent of the sex pest / dick pic, a very patronising old skool 'you need a man' type attitude

You need to look at your security on sites etc if people are tracking you down on other platforms. Change your name on dating apps, lock down settings on other media.

Noone could track me down on sm from any of the dating sites. I'd be very weirded out if they did.

@VanGoghsDog

You need to look at your security on sites etc if people are tracking you down on other platforms. Change your name on dating apps, lock down settings on other media. Noone could track me down on sm from any of the dating sites. I'd be very weirded out if they did.

It was a Google reverse image search for one & I've changed that photo

The other is use of my unusual first name and my job title. I'll change the job title on bumble and I think I'm going to take on a pseudonym when guys ask me my name. It feels very inauthentic but maybe best to do so. I'd just hate to get to date zero and have to change my name once I'd figured out whether or not I trusted them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gosh I've never had that before. People finding me elsewhere.

@BelladiMamma I am impressed. I seriously need a few more guys.

I went to the gym this morning and showered and dressed and feel all good. Endorphins flowing.

Have some nice chatting with Mr Penpal but whatever

I never put my job title or where I work on my profiles, I don't even have it on Facebook. I remember when I first started talking to Computer Geek I accidentally told him where I worked, I'm not sure if he worked it out from what I said though. He also knew my surname and I started panicking as I can be found online. Turned out I didn't need to worry with him. Mr Cricket didn't have his name on his profile, he also has a very unusual/distinctive name so used a nickname.

Speaking of which who has just messaged me this morning. None other than Mr Cricket.🤦‍♀️ I've made him wait as I'm doing housework(aka sat in the garden enjoying the peace and quiet) I've read it but not opened it yet.

@ActonSquirrel

Gosh I've never had that before. People finding me elsewhere.

@BelladiMamma I am impressed. I seriously need a few more guys.

I went to the gym this morning and showered and dressed and feel all good. Endorphins flowing.

Have some nice chatting with Mr Penpal but whatever

I seem to get a lot of interest but honestly no more connections that actually lead somewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

Plus all this unwanted extra crap which is just, well .... crap 💩

I'm not conventionally attractive but I know I have a 'look' that a lot of people go for. I seem to tick the 'brunette / kooky / sexy' box for a lot of people. My first messages from men and women are often 'wow you look like ... (fill in your favourite older brunette film star)'. Then I need to sort of weed from there and figure out which of them are total fantasists and love talking to someone they think looks like whoever it is they've got in mind then figure out what's authentic...etc etc. Then I get the ultra disappointed guys because it's like 'I told you how beautiful you were and now you won't talk to me'. Or the guys that suddenly turn off and say 'you're too posh / sexy / intimidating' and I get really disappointed 😔

I hope that comes across right. Sorry. I'm just so jaded and don't feel any better despite all the attention. It's been like this my whole life if I'm honest, since I was about 15. I feel like wearing a printed t shirt that says 'authentic connections only please the rest of you can Fuck right off'.

😂😂😂😭😭😭🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

@Isitreallyme177

I never put my job title or where I work on my profiles, I don't even have it on Facebook. I remember when I first started talking to Computer Geek I accidentally told him where I worked, I'm not sure if he worked it out from what I said though. He also knew my surname and I started panicking as I can be found online. Turned out I didn't need to worry with him. Mr Cricket didn't have his name on his profile, he also has a very unusual/distinctive name so used a nickname.

Speaking of which who has just messaged me this morning. None other than Mr Cricket.🤦‍♀️ I've made him wait as I'm doing housework(aka sat in the garden enjoying the peace and quiet) I've read it but not opened it yet.

Yes I've removed it. Just not worth it

Great that you're busy when MrCricket messaged. You stay busy, girl!

@BelladiMamma I get very few genuine connections at all. I get plenty of perverts sending sexy messages within a few exchanges.

With Mr Penpal I guess I keep taking to him as we really did seem to click.

Go @Dirtyduck - enjoy

[quote ActonSquirrel]@BelladiMamma I get very few genuine connections at all. I get plenty of perverts sending sexy messages within a few exchanges.

With Mr Penpal I guess I keep taking to him as we really did seem to click.[/quote]
Yes I guess it's universal the pervinesss isn't it. Guys are just dicks sometimes that's all there is to it.

And I understand where you are with MrPenpal I guess you just need to put him in the friends I slept with box and remain open to other connections

I use a nickname on dating apps, it's not a usual contraction of my name, though it is if another name. It's the nickname my parents and sister call me though and a few other people know of it and I have a story around why I'm called it. Plus I genuinely don't mind people calling me it so although I'll tell them my real name when we meet I have no problem with them continuing to use it. But conveniently it's not on any other sites etc (well, just one that I can think of).

Reverse image search only works if pictures on other sites are public. My linked in pic is not used on any other site. My Facebook photos are all private except you can't make your profile photo private so that's always a different one to the dating app photos.

And the only site I have my job title on is linked in and I only tell people a vague description of where I work and my actual role is very generic though I have an even more vague title on the apps, just "consultant".

I don't think people need all that information just to meet for coffee for an hour or so in a public place.

@Naimee87 I agree with everyone saying open them. Expect it will be a hi how you doing type thing, best just open, then file away 🙂

What if its his face i love his face! Oh god! I’m not in a place for a new relationship am i! No matter how ready i thought i was 😯 and you’re all right it could be nothing. I’m going round to my friends later who got me through the really shit times with him and i’ll open them with her she’ll keep me grounded. I sound like a teenager and quite pathetic. Maybe best MrE is away a little while longer so i have time to think. Not worth stringing him along if i still have feelings for magnet-man even though i know nothing can ever happen with us.