Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hello long time lurker here. Taken lot of advice over the last year or so but not posted before.
I'm early 40s have two teenagers and pretty comfortable with who I am. Like most though I miss parts of being in a relationship.
Signed up to POF and made sure I followed all the rules on here. Eventually started dating someone which was going well until I caught covid and realised communication was not matched. He then ghosted me. I'd enjoyed our time but had a feeling really we weren't compatible so not too upset.
Tried bumble and I've currently got two matches. One closer to home so we've had a date zero and date one. Fab time on both and we have a lot in common. Good physical attraction too. Match two lives further away and seems very sweet. Has been in contact more than match one and makes a real effort to speak to me. Taken longer to set up date zero as schedules clashed, but now arranged for tomorrow. I'm so torn what to do as am the kind of person who hates hurting anyone. I'm not sure if there'll be the same physical attraction that I have with match one. Or if I'm just over investing in match one?
Oh and to top weekend off, POF ghost has messaged saying he was busy and how am I. Erm I dont think so, left him as unread. Not acceptable behaviour in my book, takes two minutes to text someone.

Just spotted social worker profile saying 'no roly poly girls'..

Haha my friend said she thought Mr Cricket looked smarmy in his uniform. Right now I'm beginning to agree with her, I know he is working but a quick reply wouldn't hurt.

I know it's Saturday night but everyone is quiet on the apps.

Thanks for all the kind words. I ended up speaking to Mr runner briefly, but it only served to highlight what an awful place he's in right now. So I'll walk away. To make things worse, Mr Tall has stopped comms out of the blue as well! Sigh. I clearly can't cope with the hot and cold aspect of all this. Not sure how to move forwards really. It's exhausting all this.

@MayEye

I’ve found tinder to be the best app where I am. Anything that has lasted more than one date was from a tinder match. PoF is for the high sex drive only seeking fun types ime. Hinge and Bumble are only for the cities.

Think it just depends where you are, who's on them and what you're looking for. Like most things it probably goes in waves. I'm pretty rural and while Hinge and Bumble were a bit sparse the reply rate was seemed much better where I am, but then I've friends who only use Tinder and seem to go on quite a few dates.

Initially I had a quick look across quite a few of them and while I didn't exactly make a scientific study of it and I'm generalising massively the same people seem to pop up on Bumble/Badoo/Hinge and Tinder/Pof/Okcupid. Hinge only had a few I spotted elsewhere though and Fbd (Facebook dating, sorry not sure of the proper abbreviation) had a bit of a mixture plus a lot not seen elsewhere, ease of use maybe?

What do other people find? Has anyone tried Fbd (Facebook dating, no idea if it's the proper abbreviation) not really seen it mentioned in the last few threads, unless I've got the abbreviation wrong in which case it probably has been, or I've just not been paying attention🙄

@bopbopbopbop I'm dubious about Facebook dating as I worry about my privacy. My best friend is currently fielding 1000s of likes on there though however I know she gets loads of sleazy blokes. I am trying to avoid the apps but generally used to get more chats on Tinder or Bumble. Never anything on Hinge but perhaps im not cool enough!

@bopbopbopbop fb dating for my area had mostly same people on that were on bumble. But with profiles that weren't as in depth as bumble.

@Eesha I did wonder about the privacy on it as well. I think it's just first names but must be pretty easy to find other people's full fb accounts and so few people have privacy set up.

And yes I imagine the sleaze factor is quite high. A lot of men seem to think sending random unsolicited messages to women in various fb groups is the way to go, so fb dating could easily be an extension of that for some of them.

@Annecat interesting, I might be thinking of the wrong app but thought there was a lower limit of characters on Bumble and found some quite detailed profiles on fb, although there were only a few that I found on both and can't remember which were more detailed. Guess it depends on the area and which people like as to the effort they put in?

When I sign up again I might make some notes and compare them, might help pass the time😀

@Misty9

Thanks for all the kind words. I ended up speaking to Mr runner briefly, but it only served to highlight what an awful place he's in right now. So I'll walk away. To make things worse, Mr Tall has stopped comms out of the blue as well! Sigh. I clearly can't cope with the hot and cold aspect of all this. Not sure how to move forwards really. It's exhausting all this.

💐 to you and to all of us dealing with this.

I'm getting really quite beside myself with all the ambivalence of it.

Mr Penpal likes me enough to exchange messages and tell me he likes me but not enough to call me or meet me in all this time. I've had enough of it now. But equally I can't face the apps as it will likely be the same story

@bopbopbopbop I wonder if it depends on area. Lots of profiles were very sparse.I lasted a few hours on Fb dating. Lots of much younger men messaging and commenting on my photos. Bumble I found better though I've ran out of people now. Any profiles not completed I dont even bother with. I've had better matches on Bumble. Though did get one match and after chatting for a few days revealed it was a husband and wife look for another woman to bring into the relationship. Seems a dishonest way to go about things as the profile looked completely normal.

[quote BelladiMamma]@SpringlikeBunk be gentle with us! 😂😂😂[/quote]
🤣 The random unmatching, not replying to first messages, penpalling, brutal last minute date cancellations and misleading height description I've already experienced on Bumble has toughened me up.

Or can it get worse?

@Annecat

Hello long time lurker here. Taken lot of advice over the last year or so but not posted before. I'm early 40s have two teenagers and pretty comfortable with who I am. Like most though I miss parts of being in a relationship. Signed up to POF and made sure I followed all the rules on here. Eventually started dating someone which was going well until I caught covid and realised communication was not matched. He then ghosted me. I'd enjoyed our time but had a feeling really we weren't compatible so not too upset. Tried bumble and I've currently got two matches. One closer to home so we've had a date zero and date one. Fab time on both and we have a lot in common. Good physical attraction too. Match two lives further away and seems very sweet. Has been in contact more than match one and makes a real effort to speak to me. Taken longer to set up date zero as schedules clashed, but now arranged for tomorrow. I'm so torn what to do as am the kind of person who hates hurting anyone. I'm not sure if there'll be the same physical attraction that I have with match one. Or if I'm just over investing in match one? Oh and to top weekend off, POF ghost has messaged saying he was busy and how am I. Erm I dont think so, left him as unread. Not acceptable behaviour in my book, takes two minutes to text someone.

@Annecat this is a question I was pondering earlier this week when it looked like I had 2 date zeroes in the diary from 2 promising chats.

It kind of feels like having 2 men on the go at the same time, which didn't sit easy with me.

However, since then one has now cancelled on me, and I'm starting to see the wisdom of having more than one on the go at once.

As for what would happen if both date zeroes had been really great, I'm still not sure tbh

@BelladiMamma and @Languidleopard

Haha I hope you both hit it off with someone lovely first off! It’s been noted it is the BIGGEST site so lots of choice.

I guess it’s the same messaging principles as bumble - lot of matches, but very few take off?

As the guys can message first I’d be mindful of boundaries straight away as obviously some of the keener ones will be leveraging for “meets at home” straight away - if they’re keen with the chat, look great, too good to be true - it’s often as they’re hookup minded and this will only come out after a bit of chatting?

@Annecat

Agree it’s too soon to call - give them both a bit more time and the decision will be easier - one or both of neither!

It’s quite easy with apps to feel overwhelmed with potential lovers but actually many of them are “considering options” as well!

@Naimee87 I wouldn't be expecting MrE to be that hands on with the practicalities of your daily life yet, it's only been a few weeks?

Bit of a wildcard option for new meets...whilst we're discussing ways to do it.

I've just gone and deleted my "InterPals" account (which is a big language exchange one) due to timing, but there's LOADS of people there who are after not just languages but friends, meeting, from different countries or even expats.

Or there's active members in the UK, London.

In my age range there's definitely guys who looked "ok prospects" (although I'm weird and genuinely was only there for the languages!)

So for those of us open to international romance, might be worth a peek? Easy to set up etc and very active.

Please be mindful of scammers like any other site, but I think they're quite "obvious" to identify early on.

@BelladiMamma I was very lucky that when I was single my friends knew I didn't want a boyfriend and was just having fun.
None suggested settling down or dating or that I might be happier coupled up.
It was only my mum (old fashioned) who suggested I might need a man🙄

A lady I work with is in the process of splitting with her alcoholic abusive partner of 9 years and its only in the last few weeks has she realised how abusive he was (he 'accidentally' pushed her down the stairs a few months ago and she still can't admit it was on purpose but thats fine because it takes a lot to admit abuse).
Her only concern is that she is single in her 60's and mo one will want her - I asked her why she is even thinking she needs a man, unfortunately it appears that all her validation comes from a man.
She has no hobbies or friends as all hobbies were his and all her time was spent pandering to him. Its so sad.
I'm trying to encourage her to think about interests and hobbies she could take up and explaining that men should compliment your life not be your life.

Not sure she's quite got it yet as this week she asked me if I was much happier once I met my boyfriend, I told her 'not really, I already had a busy, fulfilled life, was very happy being single and having male friends . I told her that he is part of my life but not my whole life and if things finished tomorrow I'd be sad but still fine because I have a great life with or without him.
She seemed shocked but I'm hoping over time she realises we don't NEED a man although we may WANT one.

@Naimee87 I'm with @BelladiMamma,it would be far too soon for Mr E to be helping you out.
Even if he was in the UK he wouldn't be driving your son places, walking the dogs etc.
Maybe that comment came from a place of feeling stressed with everything you had to do and Mr E letting you down by changing his travel plans?

Unless you're going to blend families I wouldn't be expecting him to help in any way and it would be far too soon right now.

Being a single parent is crap at times and feels never ending. Could your son have shared lifts with someone instead of you doing all the running?

@BelladiMamma you’re right, maybe my expectations are a bit high at this stage. I’m going to take a back seat now and reduce text/video calls. Let things play out without jumping to conclusions. But have to say feelings are dwindling and so’s the excitement. He’s still given no indication when he’ll actually be back, just that he promises he will be. And if the roles were reversed whats the likelihood he’d be waiting around for me to make up my mind about coming back? I’ll be putting the lingerie shopping trip on hold for now. How are your chats going? Is it MrIrish that you’re on for a date ‘0’ with?
@Misty9 sorry to hear things are really emotional for you at the moment. It can’t be easy. But i do agree you’re doing whats best for you at the
moment. Distracting yourself is the best option as well… easier said than done but better to surround yourself with people who appreciate/value you rather than worry about ‘strangers’ and trying to understand what they are thinking.

Well that lasted long, not! Why are some men so creepy, I had one say he was "seeking isit out" and that just weirded me out. So I deleted all the apps again. There has to be somewhere to meet normal men. I'm switching gyms soon so maybe I'll have more luck there.

@SortingItOut yes writing it out made me realise perhaps i am being too demanding too soon. I think yesterday was just a more hectic day than i had anticipated and having a partner would have been nice but he isn’t that (yet!) His changing travel plans just make me feel less of a priority i suppose and i was open from the start that i don’t want a long distance/phone relationship. It was meant to be a one week to 10 day trip then it turned into two weeks now he’s been gone more than 3 weeks and still no date to come back. Even though there are many many horror stories of getting back on the apps i’m actually getting tempted. Not good i know but sort of shows where my heads at with him. I mean what would you do/be thinking if you were in my position with his vague/ever changing plans?

@Naimee87 Its difficult because he is not from the UK and due to Covid hasn't seen his friends and family for a long time so he is making up for lost time.
If this was 2 years ago it wouldn't have happened as he would have been free to travel whenever.

I think maybe you met at the wrong time, he likes you but friends and family should come first especially when its such a new relationship.

Are you exclusive? Have you had any chats about what you are?

@Misty9 sorry to hear things are really emotional for you at the moment. It can’t be easy. But i do agree you’re doing whats best for you at the
moment. Distracting yourself is the best option as well… easier said than done but better to surround yourself with people who appreciate/value you rather than worry about ‘strangers’ and trying to understand what they are thinking.

That's very good advice @Naimee87

I am so bored of trying to figure out the motives of someone who isn't even with me. Why am I even worrying...should be worried about myself.

Yes we came off the apps together but i’m feeling like now we did this too soon! I’m not seeing anyone else and he isn’t either. I trust him too. He’s very open/honest. But i’m just losing feelings/excitement now which is a bit scary. It’s been a bit all or nothing. Intense days/nights together while he’s here, then he’s away. And you are absolutely right family and friends come first and his family and friends will always be over there so i’m kicking myself a bit getting involved with someone who will always have to split his time between here and there. And i’ve realised all my feelings for magnet-man haven’t quite disappeared like i was sure they had. I’m wondering now if i am trying to trick myself into wanting to be with MrE to try and mask the residual feelings for magnet-man who made a shock reappearance again. Not acknowledged his messages as he went quiet for months on me. But boy do i want to know what he’s written. Not sure what i’ve just written actually makes any sense really but thanks for the help and reading its amazing to get other perspectives more rational/logic ones! Appreciate it!

@Naimee87 I think not reading the MagnetMan messages means he is stealing a lot of headspace because those messages are sitting there screaming ‘read me’. You have 2 options -read or delete without reading. (I would read personally but that might not be best!) Otherwise he will continue his magnetic force over you. And it will affect things with Mr E. I had a similar experience where an old ‘the one that got away’ iron got in touch showing a bit of interest and it really made me question things with the iron I was seeing at the time. Now as it turns out things weren’t right with him and now looking back I think if things were good would my Magnets reappearance have affected me so much.
So I say separate the two of them and work through your feelings honestly about each one