Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Iamclearlyamug

In a way this is why I stay off the apps for now. I know it'll be the same old shit and I can't be bothered

@WeWantTheFinestWines
Omg that made me laugh so much

Omg omg omg... my guy is in my bed. And I'm so excited i can't sleep so I've got up and left him asleep. He's so lovely. I'm so happy.

@Dropdeadfred2

Omg omg omg... my guy is in my bed. And I'm so excited i can't sleep so I've got up and left him asleep. He's so lovely. I'm so happy.

Yay 😁🙌👏🔥

Can anyone give me opinions on something please? It’s not dating related. A good friend of mine who I’ve known 20+ years has started keep sending me links to youtube self help videos on how to love yourself, how to be kind to yourself etc and keeps saying things to me like you have to keep believing you’re a kind and lovable person etc… it is really starting to grate and Ive snapped at her asking if she is getting me mixed up with someone else and that I am finding it weird why she keeps saying these things to me? Fwiw I am a self assured, confident kind of chick who doesn't hate myself in any way. I am genuinely confused why she is doing this and I’m finding it smothering and beyond irritating!! 😣. Anyone have a clue what could have brought this behaviour on please?? 🤯

@Shayelle2009 either she is going through stuff herself and wanting to share all the self help stuff she has found or she genuinely thinks you have stuff to resolve in yourself so wants to help you. Neither are terrible things really. My friend does the former and reads loads of these things. I just take it with a pinch of salt really.

Thanks @Eesha I feel inappropriately peed off about it 🤣 and bad for snapping but more genuinely puzzled as to why all of a sudden I’m receiving this unwanted mollycoddling! It’s bizarre!!

Hope youre feeling good today 😘🌞

Morning @Shayelle2009, I’d be pretty pissed off if a friend of mine sent me videos like that. What did they say when you asked them to stop and explained that the videos weren’t relevant to you or how you feel about yourself? I’ve felt patronised in the past when people assumed they understood how I was feeling about things, usually related to the death of my DH. And there is a type of smugness that some people have about being coupled up which can lead to them displaying attitudes which are the equivalent of ‘ oh poor you being single’
I think depending on how close you are to them I would let it bounce off you and tell them you’re cool with things and on top of managing any feelings you have. If they continue I would probably just delete and ignore anything else that they send and not mention it at all if you see them. Her actions may be what she considers those of a good friend might be but she’s clearly mis read your needs.

Shayelle2009

Is she coupled up and you're not? I had a fascinating insight into this last year as two of my friends had relationships break down. Suddenly they were more friendly with me again and more understanding. They knew exactly what it was like.

Friend 1 went back on dating apps literally 2 weeks after she was dumped. After a 10 year relationship. I enquired if she wanted time to herself and she said I like being in a relationship, shared experiences
In other words she can't be on her own. Very quickly after she met someone a couple of months later she changed back to being smug and offering me hardly tips about what I'm doing wrong in my life that I'm single.

Friend 2 has had an on again/ off again relationship with bf for 7 years now. They broke up a year ago and appears to be back on again. It won't last. They've broke up 4 times and they will again.

Friend 2 was all understanding too and now she is back with bf again she has turned on me the same way. She had the gall to say to me that I make little effort to find someone maybe I want to be single.

She actually went on dating apps and couldn't find anyone. So she went back to her ex again rather than be alone.

With both friends their exes / current were men I wouldn't touch with a barge pole. Friend 2s doesn't have a job right now. He has been out if work and since the pandemic and in and out of work since they met 7 years ago. He has always lived in her flat as he is with parents or in a grotty flat share. She wanted to move on from her small flat and can't as she can't afford it on her own and he has no money. She wanted marriage and children and she's 40 this year and getting back with a guy who showed no intention of marrying her over the last 7 years.

Friends 1s man was even worse. In and out of work, 2 kids by 2 women, married to someone else but separated when they met.

They were all full of tips about what I should do as they had men and it has been on the tip of my tongue to say you have men as your standards are so low. I could get a man tomorrow who was long term unemployed who expects to be supported or still married but I think better of myself than that. I haven't though as I just can't be arsed.

Tbh I start asking friend why are you sending me this, please stop as I'm deleting everything you send without reading it. What did she say when you snapped?

@Shayelle2009 my massive post above was for

And there is a type of smugness that some people have about being coupled up which can lead to them displaying attitudes which are the equivalent of ‘ oh poor you being single’

Yes @Onesmallstep67 that's what I think my friends were doing.

I was on the verge of telling them I'm single as I won't settle for the losers that you have and I have some standards that they must be as a bare minimum in employment and not married to anyone else. I didn't though as I am not as rude as they are.

Thank you @Onesmallstep67 I always love your advice on here you’re so balanced 🙂 I like the suggestion about just deleting anything further.. yeah patronising is the right word, I've been trying to work out why I feel so irritable about it! When I was in my teens/20s I could have probably done with watching them, but definitely don’t need any of it now ❤️

Thanks @ActonSquirrel.. those unwanted tips… arrghh lol…
She hasn’t seen my message yet. I feel a bit bad but if someone tries to pin something on me which is completely incorrect I feel the need to set them straight?!? I’ve already told her this stuff isn’t relevant to me but shes ignored it and carried on hence my salty response this morning!!

@Shayelle2009

Thanks *@ActonSquirrel*.. those unwanted tips… arrghh lol… She hasn’t seen my message yet. I feel a bit bad but if someone tries to pin something on me which is completely incorrect I feel the need to set them straight?!? I’ve already told her this stuff isn’t relevant to me but shes ignored it and carried on hence my salty response this morning!!

I would honestly say to her that you're deleting everything she sends if she does it again and you don't know why she thinks you lack self esteem.

Like me, you're looking for the right person and won't settle for crap. That's actually higher value than what my friends have done as I would rather be alone than be with someone they picked.

I haven't said it to my friends and won't as it is a hell of a lot more personal to say that I wouldn't have their men in a gift and I doubt we'd be friends again

Amen to that @ActonSquirrel and yes she is married! And miserable lol!!!

@Shayelle2009

Amen to that *@ActonSquirrel* and yes she is married! And miserable lol!!!

Lololol

Well their is your answer. Try and see it as maybe she thinks you feel that way ad she does!!!

I did wonder if it was some sort of weird projection but shes got a new friend who is well into all this self help stuff so I think it’s filtering through because of that 🙄 I’ve only just realised that since I’ve written it here 😂

I know a woman who, whenever there is trouble in her relationship, starts posting all of these inspirational quotes and self help stuff on Facebook. We always know a breakup is coming when she starts
Could be a bit of that too Shayelle

Well after I vowed to stay off the apps I signed up again last night. Still full of potatoes and both Tinder and Bumble seem to put my ex at the top of my pile🤣🤦‍♀️. although I have just matched with a professional DJ, I'm laughing because he's played some of the clubs I've been to in the past. Let's see if he replies.🤣

Off for my Saturday morning gym session, fingers crossed there are some nice men there today.🙈

Speaking for myself I think any irritation comes from a bit of a nerve being hit. I think the general view in society is that if you are in a couple you have somehow succeeded at something and you fit with the ‘norm’. So for some of us when we find ourselves single it can feel like it puts us on the outside of things. We see from the thread that there is a whole range of attitudes and expectations when it comes to being in or looking for a relationship but for me personally I like the status being with someone gives me. Having experienced plenty of anxiety ( brought on by a really tough few years losing DH and my parents) being single and dating was/is really hard work. Lots of people on here have had a really rough ride too and no one should underestimate how much pluck it takes to keep putting ourselves back out there. This should be fun but we all know that it also requires a huge amount of mental strength too. I try to give balanced opinions because I wouldn’t ever want to dismiss or not acknowledge how some of this stuff impacts our well being. I’ve been given some straight advice on here several times and I always feel that it’s coming from an honest and caring perspective.

I just kind of felt like wow woman, don’t you know me? It’s unwanted ‘help’ and despite me saying that she kept sending it and now I snapped a bit.. anyway I’m sure it will be fine. I did try and watch some of the videos but wasn’t getting anything useful from em!

This will be long! 😬
@bangheadhere40 good to not cave! I’m still trying to stop myself from opening these txts from Magnet-Man ( new name ) Good advice from @VanGoghsDog about opening and seeing without his knowledge but again this feels like gameplay an almost like ‘cheating’ on MrE ( realised he needed a name change ) because Magnet-Man should be out of my head. Honestly my friends have seen his photo an not one person agrees with me that he’s a good looking man but i go weak at the knee’s even thinking about him! Fucks Sake!
I can relate as well to the waiting for messages and the disappointment when you get a two word reply @ActonSquirrel just makes you feel so low! @Isitreallyme177 i’m gym obsessed and love it! Really don’t think there is anything wrong with that at all. It’s for you and makes you happy so continue. And very proud of you for getting on the apps! Even if it’s a rollercoaster journey time to swerve MrCricket. Go 21 days NC and that will turn into a habit and you’ll no longer feel the urge! well saying all this is easy buy obviously given Magne-Man’s reappearence i obviously don’t listen to myself do i! But seems you are headed in the right direction 👏🏻👏🏻
@Shayelle2009 i’ve had this too! And was talking about this to my friend just the other day that for some reason society judges single people as ‘not having made it in life’ which is ridiculous?? Like @Languidleopard (i think) posted about all those who’ve settled for wanky-layabout-losers to avoid being alone. I’d tell your friend to share that shit with someone who wants it because that isn’t you. I’ll go ahead though and say it is good to BE in a good place alone and enjoy your life/own company because then if things do fall apart your going back to a life you were happy with anyway. I’ve been a single mum with one child for ever really and it’s taken me a long time to BE ok with this situation and accept it’s my life. I think this has helped me to deal with the ghosting/fading thats happened (except with MagnetMan)!! He has a power-full hold that old slightly fat man!

Thoughts on this, my friends bf came over to her place for a breakfast date (school run dad) and she greeted (posh word) him in sexy lingerie (posh word again) Is this something any of you would do? is this what i should do when MrE is back. The thought of it makes me giggle as it’s SO not me….

Thanks @Naimee87 🌸🌸

Update.. she replied and said sorry if it came across wrong but after l’d said I don’t get many chats on OLD she felt that I dont like myself… I said old has no affect on me how I feel about myself, my self esteem, self confidence etc. (It occasionally does but I delete it when I feel like that and immediately feel fine again). Anyway it’s all cool and comes from a good place but it’s help I dont need and like @Onesmallstep67 felt patronising!
Have a good day chicas!🌞

@SpringlikeBunk @WeWantTheFinestWines in my head I'm going for an updated beatnik look à la Charlotte Gainsbourg filtered by living in England for years and being a middle class middle aged mum 😂

I find some people don't understand why we are so picky. I think the majority of us have been in bad relationships before so we are holding out for something good, we are lucky really rather than being stuck with the wrong person.

It would be easy for any of us I'm sure to get any man but we want better for ourselves. Some long term married people can't understand that I feel.

I would be desperate to open those texts naimee that's good willpower. 👍