Dating Thread 211 - heading into to Autumn fueled by possibilities

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

naimee so odd isn't it, I can only describe the pull towards him like a magnetic too!

And I guess I would always hope for some reconciliation so it's best to not get into much conversation.

lamguidle that was in answer to your question - you are all right of course 🙂

Thanks @Slothmomma and @Walkingalot. I am happy, I think we both are to be honest and yes I do hope we progress to doing a multitude of other things but I do feel we will in time. And yes I could definitely do without the negativity.

@Naimee87

Re the photo - can you change your WA settings so blue ticks don't show and open it? Then maybe block him before you turn them on again? If you want them on of course.

I block people for my own headspace. Years ago I can recall hoping a guy would ring when we only had landlines and not being able to sleep "just in case", so I would unplug the phone and be able to sleep knowing it wasn't going to ring. And hoping they were ringing and getting no answer!
I block people now for the same reason. Or at least mute them so their messages don't pop up, I only see them when I open the app.

I have all notifications turned off on dating apps for the same reason, I feel on edge "waiting" for them to ping, so best to know they won't ever ping.

@Naimee87 you are absolutely correct second guessing shouldn't be happening, I just don't want him to think I'm a pest(I'm like that with everyone though, I don't like bothering them). Whilst I was at the gym I remembered when my friend started her new job I sent a message asking how it went(although I didn't say she looked smart in her uniform, nurses uniform vs pilot uniform🤔🤷‍♀️), then I reread what I sent and no there was nothing in it that could be misinterpreted and I really need to stop worrying. No we haven't had that chat, can't find the time as he has been flying and I've been busy, next week is just as bad (or maybe that's just an easy excuse).

I think I'm going to have to take these check in texts as meaningless! Unless they call or want to see me - it means nothing. That's my new motto.

@bangheadhere40

I think I'm going to have to take these check in texts as meaningless! Unless they call or want to see me - it means nothing. That's my new motto.

Yes - does it merit the 'hi haven't heard from you in a while because check in messages are meaningless and was wondering if you'd like to meet for ☕️'. Just feel that gives them the kick up the bum to engage with you and if not - biii 👋🏻

Two new dresses arrived I look just the way I want to look for dating I’m going for more conservative but still figure flattering

It’s odd how it’s hard to “move forward” - I’m quite pragmatically minded (have to be)

But I think part of me was emotionally still semi-hoping my two random on-off irons MrC and MrMilitary would kind of evolve into a long distance thing when I moved.

So even though it makes more sense to “start from scratch” and objectively neither really has worked as a full-on day to day boyfriend thing (though emotions and good moments were there), it’s the draw of the “ones that got away”?

I mean I could be overfunctioning and pushing for lots of virtual long distance messaging but realistically neither is going anywhere and I know don’t want to spent my first months in a new city sexting some guys I can’t just physically meet for a coffee for a LONG time .

But it’s killing that hope that’s weird.

@Dee03

I have date zero with Mr Forklift tomorrow....lunch in a pub midway between us.... been msging for 3 weeks not and he fits my communication style to a tee....no red flags so far really apart from the fact he says he's shy face to face but I can talk for England so I'm not too worried 😊

I wouldn't call lunch dates zero. That's an actual proper date! I hope you get on like a horse on fire 🔥

Oh no, no burning horses please! House. House!

@SpringlikeBunk

Ooh photos please. Or links to what the dresses are? I'm clueless as to what to wear for dating at the moment

Clover isn't there history of Mr P taking you for granted in the past? You doing his dishes, him not appreciating you and also having some anger issues in traffic? You say you've been very supportive of him. Is this a case of when he gets what he wants from you everything's fine, but if you need his support he's not there for you? Has he been supportive in the past or has it been smooth sailing until now, so this aspect of his behaviour has not been exposed?

You decided to stay with him then - were you kicking the can down the road a little bit? Is he ever going to be there for you when you need him? Sorry to be brutally honest - especially when you're terrified of the dentist - but it just doesn't sound like you are being treated with the respect you deserve.

Isitreally if you were my friend IRL, I'd take you out and sit you down and tell you to stop pretending you're happy to just be friends with Mr Cricket when you're clearly not. I'd tell you to stop contacting him because your heart will break when he dates someone else. Which he will. Aren't you glad you're not my friend IRL?

So I’m going to back up what @WeWantTheFinestWines is saying @Isitreallyme177 and say that I agree with her. Many of us on the thread have been reading your updates and ponderings about him for quite some time. To me it seems clear that your feelings or at the very least how you write about him are not those of a ‘friend’. You come across as a lovely, thoughtful person and you absolutely deserve to find someone who gives you his full time and attention. Mr CG may have been a different scenario but your unerring commitment to him and subsequently Mr Cricket has taken up a big chunk of your headspace. 💕

@Clovertoast, I hope that your procedure at the hospital went smoothly and you are not in too much discomfort. I agree with Vangoghsdog in that not mentioning seems a little like game playing. He should have remembered and we know that if the situation was reversed you would have been there for him in some way for sure. I would most likely have just said to my DP Mr V that I was at the hospital if he had forgotten - which he may well have done. But it’s really about how this fits with any other reservations or issues you have with Mr P. Is this a one off or is it another example of niggles that you have?

Wish I had RL friends like you lot.. amazing 💗

So many men seem to have the same hot / cold cycle don't they. I've noticed it's not just me but it makes us want them more. We need to change our mindset somehow...that if they don't show real interest then can do one.

Easier said than done.

@Onesmallstep67 and @WeWantTheFinestWines thank you❤. I actually thought to myself earlier I'm using Mr Cricket to keep my mind off CG and in doing so causing more problems.

But I've got to leave it at the moment as I have to go to court next week for a car insurance claim that the other driving is refusing to admit fault for so I need to keep a clear head(I remember telling CG about it and not believing it would actually get to this stage). It's been nearly two years and I'm scared shitless that they'll pull me to pieces (I know its only to find fault but that doesn't stop the worry).

@Isitreallyme177, I know that I have given some men in my past a higher status or importance than I should have done. For some of us it’s a natural instinct or basic human need to feel important to someone and vice versa. It’s nice to hear the phone ping or ring or to send that message and then wait for their reply. You’ve had several difficult things to deal with and the court case sounds like something none of us would like to be facing. I’m sure you will be fine and you can only give your truthful account of what happened. I think that once that’s sorted and you don’t have it mithering your mind you’ll be in a good place to look to the future and hopefully a new wonderful iron to focus on for all the best reasons 🤞🏼

@bangheadhere40

So many men seem to have the same hot / cold cycle don't they. I've noticed it's not just me but it makes us want them more. We need to change our mindset somehow...that if they don't show real interest then can do one.

Easier said than done.

A very wise female friend of mine said to me that don't worry about how they behave or what they want. Ask yourself if you want this in your life.

Again easier said than done.

@ActonSquirrel

The ones I bought are like the first image of the dress. Going to style them with just glasses and hair tied back.

That said, I’m definitely NOT going to wear that on my first speed dating event - my planned outfit is more like the second one with maybe a neck scarf to make it less officey and flat sandals.

Of course physical attraction is important, but I think looking a little bit too “out there feminine attractive/bombshell” on a first glimpse can attract the wrong sort?

I don’t necessarily mean for sex, but maybe overriding basic social compatibility issues just because they like the way I look and are thinking with their eyes not their hearts/minds and that throwing up future issues.

I want to date someone who’s my friend first and attracted second.

So I’m going for more “ok looking wholesome type now let’s focus on the chat vibes”. Like their attractivish colleague.

@ActonSquirrel

@SpringlikeBunk

Oh love the dress 👗

I did it. I texted him. I got "thank you! Xx" back

Wish I hadn't bothered

@Isitreallyme177

I agree with the others - you clearly have a lot of energy and love and deserve to be happy and moving forward with someone who is genuinely into you. Or happily single or seeking available men.

It just seems like you’re thinking lots and fantasising about these “kind of friends” who look good and maybe are what they call “alpha male” types but really don’t see you in the same way you see them?

(With MrCG wasn’t it that you only met him very briefly in real life?)

The worst case scenario is you offer MrCricket physical intimacy and he still doesn’t see you as someone he’s “that” into and then you’re even more stuck!

I agree it’s been particularly hard with lockdown and other commitments finding authentic connections and actually meeting and not getting stuck in “virtual chat loops”.

plus the “great first date then tailing off” culture on the apps means it’s easy to overthink and feel we’ve missed on on the perfect relationship “if only we’d been able to push and continue with one particular person”.

Do you think you’re using these guys to “avoid” stuff emotionally?