Should I Let Her Husband Go Too?

[Perriwinkles]

So, I am female. I have a male childhood friend. He met his now wife and she and I hit it off … in time. I made a huge effort with her & wanted to make sure she knew just how platonic her husband and I were. A true friendship then developed.

Roll on 8 years later and she and I had got very very close. Then one day, it all imploded. I thought it was a bad fight (& our only ever fight) but she cut me out entirely even though we had left each other on good terms that day. I was devastated & asked for an explanation. She wrote me a nasty text that I didn’t know she was capable of. I had never been so close to a friend & it affected me terribly. I spoke to a therapist about it and lost a lot of sleep.

Her husband, my long-standing friend, still makes an effort to maintain his friendship with me — we see each every once every few months and some texts. The problem is that every time I see him I am re-triggered. The friendship break-up cut me deep and seeing him opens up the wound every single time. It takes me weeks to recover. I have never once brought any of this up with him and I never discuss her with him. He brings her up though as he is consumed by her.

What do you think? Should I try to slowly phase him out too? The problem is … He’s universally adored! He’s one of those guys who doesn’t see people often but puts on his game face when he sees them and so ‘the gang’ all love him (when they see him at get-togethers, weddings etc.).

I want to move on (as I know she has) but what should I do?

You're not losing a friendship because he was never your friend. You were his source of ego boost, attention, validation etc - he was cruel to you and used you for his own entertainment. Even on your wedding day! He is not your friend and he never was. I know that's hard to hear but if you keep circling around this idea that you had something genuine and special once then you are just going to get drawn back in. And next time, it will all hurt a LOT more. What you think you had, your 'friendship' was never real. It was always just an illusion designed to keep you hooked so he could keep using you.

If you look back at recent comments on here, you'll see he's just doing what all these people (narcissists) do. He's pushing because he knows he's losing a source of ego-boost/attention. Since you've decided to end the friendship, I suggest you just block and end the situation. You are drawing it out, and there's nothing to be gained from that. Once you cut the cord, it's just over, and you can get on with your life.

Listen, you'll probably end up having to block him anyway, because once he realises he can't win you back he is likely to start harassing you. Texting more and more, asking to meet, giving you sob stories, telling you how hurt he is, finding reasons why you need to pay attention to him etc. It will be shit and you'll end up blocking him because you'll have no choice.

If you really can't cope with blocking, you could text and say: "not going to plan to meet up as this friendship isn't working out for me." No more emotions, no explanations, and when he goes mental, you just IGNORE. (And block. Just block him!)

Great advice from @beastlyslumber OP, & this link backs it up -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/
Be prepared for him to ramp up the charm, manipulation, the faux-concern, faux-hurt & (genuine) anger.
You are his supply, & he can sense it drying up. See link for explanation!

I know you struggle with the concept of blocking him, as you have convinced yourself that everyone else is as hung up on this guy's charisma as much as you used to be. But it is an option that's open to you at any point.
Other people, apart from a possible brief flurry of gossip if he chooses to bitch about you, won't feel the need to take sides or micromanage the falling out - it just isn't that important to them. For all his surface charm, this man isn't a fixture in their lives & they don''t pay him the fraction of attention or credence that you used to.

OP - your use above of the phrase "feel more authentic" tells me you are well on the mend.

You have great insight, remarkable compassion, & are a bright & able woman. You don't need this loser or his loser wife for any affirmation in your life.

Thank you both so much for these comments. I appreciate the reminder about his bad behaviour @beastlyslumber & the kind words @ChargingBuck. I actually am considering blocking him soon but knowing him, I’m afraid if I do it right now, it would just drag others in as he’d go to them to see how I am: ‘faux concern.’ For now, I’m going to continue being unavailable and grey rock and really hope he’ll back off soon. Once he’s backed off & a bit of time has passed, I’ll block…it still feels like a rubbish thing to do but hearing from him sets me back so much every time.

I’m starting to accept how it’ll precipitate through in the friendship group. Only the other day, one of them was asking after him. I just kept it brief.

His charm really is something else though. Another mate met him once years ago on a night out with me. He left early & she told me weeks afterwards that she was ‘so disappointed’ when he left! I hadn’t seen her in ages & she was ‘so disappointed’ to see this stranger she had never met before leave! She’s married - it wasn’t romantic. Anyhow, I suppose I’m just getting across that it’s not in my head. He really does make an unbelievable impression on people - of course, it’s all conscious and manipulative but most people don’t know that. I didn’t know it myself for long enough!

I’m reading that link now too. Thank you for that.

hoovering abusers will use manipulation tactics that target their victim’s soft spots and emotional vulnerabilities
That’s exactly what some of the texts have done … wow, this is an eye-opener.

Any time at all that you fear you might cave, remember he said something nasty to you on your wedding day.

Hold onto that knowledge - you owe it to the 'you' then to not let him back into your life from now.

@youvegottenminuteslynn
You know, of all the comments/incidents, that's the one that really gets me. I can't believe I responded positively to his utterly fake text after my wedding and met them for dinner afterwards. I still kick myself that I didn't just walk away from him when he said it. GRRR... Anyway, yes, that makes it clear to me that I do not want him in my life. Thank you.

I’m starting to accept how it’ll precipitate through in the friendship group. Only the other day, one of them was asking after him. I just kept it brief.

Well handled!

You are practicing in real life what you are learning here, & via your Grey Rock texting.

This will also become something that "feels more authentic to you."

Totally understand how you don't want to precipitate any blocking that will cause both his Hoovering to you or any PR campaign to friends. But you have already handled a real-life enquiry, & handled it in exactly the right way. This is absolutely enough for now - & quite possibly, may be something you can continue ad infinitum ... so long as he doesn't escalate either the Hoovering or PR.

If he does, a thing to consider if he goes into PR mode is that this is also a recognised tactic of manipulators, abusers, controllers, narcissists etc.
"This common narcissistic tactic uses friends and family of the victim to spy on them, spread gossip while painting the narcissist as the victim and their target as the perpetrator."
narcissistabusesupport.com/red-flags/use-flying-monkeys/

The good news is - that means there are also recognised techniques for dealing with it. This quote hones in on your concern that your nice mutual friends won't see the manipulation & bad intent behind his charm offensive:
"Then there are the naïve Flying Monkeys… these are people who have fallen for the charming façade that most Narcs are so good at putting on. They genuinely think the Narc is a good, nice, decent person, so when they start spinning their web of lies about you, naïve person mops it all up and thinks you’re the crazy one, or, they fall for the ‘pretend concern’ about you that the Narc is feeding them."

www.narcissisticabuse-healing.com/articles/narcissistic-abuse-relationships/10-tips-to-deal-with-flying-monkeys-in-narcissistic-abuse

Unfortunately, you may need to avoid some of these mutual friends for a while if they get suckered into Flying Monkeydom. You know them well enough to know who might be acting naively, or who might engage in actual nastiness. The article makes it sound like you have to go NC with an entire friendship group! - but you can apply as many pinches of salt as feels sensible to you about that. I suspect that a lot of Grey Rocking & being seen as calm & unbothered is going to stand you in good stead.

So if for example you get mutual pals saying "Mr Narc says he's worried about you" - Grey Rock the hell out of that. Have some stock phrases ready on repeat - stuff like -
"He knows I'm fine, we're just less in contact these days. Fancy a cuppa?"
"There's nothing to worry about, as I've told him directly, don't know why he'd mither on at you about it. Anyway, how are you?"
"Yeah, he's been bothering me a bit lately with excessive texting, so I'm taking a step back. How's it going with your new yoga class?"

You are aiming for unbothered dismissal.
With a side helping of NAMING HIS BEHAVIOUR.

He is texting you more than you'd like, you are stepping back from it.
That's all it is - plain & simple. No need for discussion, analysis, & definitely not any talk about him. You will know if they've been pressed to spy or wound up for potential drama if they persist beyond your very clear responses above.
If that happens - e.g.
"But he seemed so worried / but he says you were upset / but what's going on with you?" etc -
Grey Rock again - bearing in mind the possibility that anything you say will be reported back -
"Sorry he's getting his knickers in a twist about it, but I'm exhausted by his texting, so am taking a step back from him"
Which is a fairly strong statement for Grey Rock - BUT contains the necessary ingredient of naming his behaviour.
or
"Take it from me, there's nothing to be concerned about, & I don't need him to check up on me, text me, or get friends to ask after me. Do you fancy seeing that new film this week?"

There will be people in the group who are wiser than you may imagine. There will also be people who dislike drama, who read social cues, & who are happy to keep being your friend without making any part of that friendship about him. The techniques & responses you can use will show you who is who. Eventually, you may even feel confident enough in who is trusty to confide in them that, underneath the surface charm is a man who has form for being very unpleasant to you in private.
Not that you should hold onto that as a specific goal - but the possibility is more real than your fear is telling you it is right now.

This man's grip on you will fade further & further, until the point - which may not be long in coming! - where, instead of "kicking yourself", you will congratulate yourself on how much you have learned, how well you now recognise the patterns of behaviour used by disordered personalities, & how well you keep yourself safe from them.

.

Thank you so much @ChargingBuck for taking the time to write that post. I really appreciate it. I have read the link about flying monkeys. The scales have well and truly fallen off and while this man is definitely 'only' on the mild end of the narcissistic scale, there is no doubt that much of what you've written rings some bells.

These words give me a lot of hope and joy:
This man's grip on you will fade further & further, until the point - which may not be long in coming! - where, instead of "kicking yourself", you will congratulate yourself on how much you have learned, how well you now recognise the patterns of behaviour used by disordered personalities, & how well you keep yourself safe from them

Ha ha ha, excellent, & thank you Periwinkle.

Onward & upward, into decades of living a wise & happy life, complete with your (hard-earned) education about how to handle any arseholes you encounter in future :)

You'll be one of us on these threads going "block him! block him!"

Right on, @beastlyslumber!

Ha ha. I don’t know. I’m not outuv the woods yet but I hope I’ll stay strong & one day be able to advise others as ye have me. .

Bumping into him is what could throw me but I’m very sure now that the friendship would be no good for me but I’ve a tendency to cave in person. We’ll see what happens.

Have a strategy in mind for if you ever bump into him. The basis should be grey rock - don't give him any emotion or any ways in. But you can decide how to handle it. E.g. you see him across the room. Before he can get to you, you leave. Or you ensure you are never alone so he can't engage you one on one. Or you see him in the street and roll out your script, "Can't stop now, got an appointment, byeeee."

Have a little plan in mind. It won't go perfectly, but as long as you stick to the principle of not getting drawn in, it will be fine. If he starts in on "why aren't you returning my messages" or other type of demands, just be nonplussed. Don't act like it's any kind of an issue. "Oh have you been messaging me. I'll check later and see what I've missed. Got to go now, bye."

If you do end up caving in, in a big drama with him etc, that's okay. Happens to everyone when we're trying to get away from these people. They're very good at knowing how to get us. Just leave as soon as you can, and then block him from your phone and SM. It's fine. He can't make you be his friend, or make you stay in his life. It's entirely in your power.

Thanks @beastlyslumber We live close to one another so I go to a lot of places and wonder if I'll bump into him. It's hard to have a strategy in mind if I'm going out for a walk, for example, but I will try to think of ways to limit the interaction. That's great advice. Thanks. Hopefully he'll cool off soon. When I think of friendships that have drifted over the years, I'd love if this one would just drift on, on its merry way!

IMHO it'd be a shame to lose another friend who is an ok friend to you himself.

Not all therapy is equal and you could still benefit from it. EMDR therapy is the best for painful memories and their impact. It works in a completely different way from other therapies.

Just catching up. If he's been unpleasant himself then binning is the way forward for sure.

@me4real
Thank you. I was feeling exactly that way for a long time. I thought ‘but he’s been my friend so long. I can’t lose him too.’ But I don’t think I had thought it all through properly until I had holidays from work & had a chance to really think about it.

Thanks for the EMDR tip. I’ve definitely had my fill of other forms of therapy.