Should I Let Her Husband Go Too?

[Perriwinkles]

So, I am female. I have a male childhood friend. He met his now wife and she and I hit it off … in time. I made a huge effort with her & wanted to make sure she knew just how platonic her husband and I were. A true friendship then developed.

Roll on 8 years later and she and I had got very very close. Then one day, it all imploded. I thought it was a bad fight (& our only ever fight) but she cut me out entirely even though we had left each other on good terms that day. I was devastated & asked for an explanation. She wrote me a nasty text that I didn’t know she was capable of. I had never been so close to a friend & it affected me terribly. I spoke to a therapist about it and lost a lot of sleep.

Her husband, my long-standing friend, still makes an effort to maintain his friendship with me — we see each every once every few months and some texts. The problem is that every time I see him I am re-triggered. The friendship break-up cut me deep and seeing him opens up the wound every single time. It takes me weeks to recover. I have never once brought any of this up with him and I never discuss her with him. He brings her up though as he is consumed by her.

What do you think? Should I try to slowly phase him out too? The problem is … He’s universally adored! He’s one of those guys who doesn’t see people often but puts on his game face when he sees them and so ‘the gang’ all love him (when they see him at get-togethers, weddings etc.).

I want to move on (as I know she has) but what should I do?

@Perriwinkles

Another thing that hit me today is that this is the first time that I can remember feeling in control in this friendship in a long time. Not replying to a little text is no big deal in the greater scheme of things but I feel a sense of relief I have never felt before. It is usually me waiting for replies from him and I’m amazed at how much calmer I feel today.

Yeah, I'm just going to quote myself from earlier in the thread

And I think you will feel AMAZING to send a clear and undeniable message to yourself that you matter, you are worthy of kindness and respect, that you never have to put yourself down or make yourself small to suit another person, you never have to squash down your trauma and pretend someone abusing you is a friend. By taking this decisive step, you are telling yourself you are worthwhile. That will build your confidence more than anything else you could do right now.

Thank you @beastlyslumber

You are establishing your boundaries NOW.

The fact is, he is prone to being very nasty about people who don't deserve it.

Perhaps as times go by, this will slip out in conversation how unpleasant he is, to close friends, but for now, be proud you are seeing things clearly.

Such a great start.

You really don't have to answer his texts for days either, and you certainly don't have to answer the phone to him.

You owe him nothing.

The fact that you don't feel good after meeting him is 100% all you need to keep reminding yourself of.

You owe him nothing.
You are SO done.

@billy1966

Yeah I’m SO done & yeah I owe him nothing. Obviously there have been times when he was good to me but so many negative memories - too many - are flooding back. I’ve given this a lot of thought.

It is hard to believe my two best friends from a few years ago are slipping out of my life. Mad & sad but I feel I’m doing the right thing.

I’m looking forward to getting past this phase & reaching a point where I feel more free.

I held him & his wife in far too high regard. I think I had a sort of non-sexual crush on them both in that I admired & looked up to them. I used to bend over backwards for them and shower them with gifts. Gawd I feel pathetic but I also hope I can be that close to people again without it going south!

Actually the thing that stands out for me is your complete, unquestioning belief that all your friends ALSO have a crush on him/them. That all your friends totally think he is so, so amazing and wonderful, and that they desperately want to have a little piece of him and would be utterly unable to imagine that he is not perfect and charming let alone that, in fact, he doesn't even particularly care about them.

You have stated this over and over, just how everyone is so wowed by him. I have to admit that when I first read your posts I wondered if the reason you pathologically could not let go of this 'friendship' (and why you were so damaged almost to the point of PTSD by being dumped by the wife) was because you felt your status in the group would be ruined if you let go of your position as 'oldest childhood friend' of the Amazing One.

However I am not sure now that this is the dynamic at all. I think that your perception of this couple was simply so abnormal that you convinced yourself that everyone else would also have an equally abnormal reaction to them. They won't of course, your friends will simply see a bloke who is quite fun for a social moment, and then they will carry on with the rest of their lives because they are normal and he is not in their headspace.

I hope that now you are on the path to joining them...

His comment about his wife being better than ever is just so odd. It almost sounds like he doesn’t believe his own BS, I mean, who says that - especially to someone his wife has fallen out with ?
And if he’s as lazy about making effort with people and you aren’t facilitating things for him any longer it sounds like he will fade from the group. ‘Ah, he’s all Planet Dad these days’ is all you need to say.
Still hurts though 😢

"It is hard to believe my two best friends from a few years ago are slipping out of my life. Mad & sad but I feel I’m doing the right thing."

It's really just a part of life though that some friendships end.

I have someone that I have been friends with for just about all my life-more that 50yrs & I can honestly say that there are no bad memories.

@cafenoirbiscuit

It was an odd comment but when he said it, it was kind of in context. I won’t give any more detail but it wasn’t just a bolt out of the blue but it did kind of knock me for six. He continues to talk about her as though no fallout happened - but not as much as he used to.

Planet Dad, ha! True! That’s a good way of putting it.

It does hurt as I invested so much in the friendship … but that’s life.

@diddl

Wow, that’s amazing. I just assumed that all close friendships would have some ups and downs.

You’re right though - it is the reality of life that friendships end and as the days go by, I become more and more sure that this one simply must.

Blimey, just move on and forget about him. If you meet up socially, say hi and move on (how difficult can that be?!!!!!)

How's it going @Perriwinkles?

Hope you're ok and have managed to avoid interacting with dickhead man!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Thanks so much for checking in. I felt better in general once I went back to work & focused on the busyness of my new job. I do feel sad though at the thoughts of letting the friendship go but it’s so clear it was doing me no good. He sent another text and I sent a short one a few days later - grey rock! I feel less angry & more free…hopefully that’ll continue more & more.

Well done Perri, I only came across this thread today and am so pleased you have found a way forward that is more peaceful for you. He sounds like a head wreck!

@MintyChops
Thank you. I got in far far too deep. There is such a life lesson there. I’ve had to learn the same lesson again & again but hopefully it’s sinking in this time. I don’t think he has any idea of what I’m doing yet & it’ll just get clear & awkward when he tries to organise a meet-up. I hope I’ll be strong enough to stick with the grey rock. 🪨

A little update: he has texted me twice more since. I sent a short reply to the first one. I’m trying to hold back on the second one but I feel I must reply. This feels horrible.

You don’t owe him anything, OP. Is he asking why you’re behaving differently or is it just a generic text?

@Perriwinkles

A little update: he has texted me twice more since. I sent a short reply to the first one. I’m trying to hold back on the second one but I feel I must reply. This feels horrible.

You are doing brilliantly Perri.

It will feel odd & strange at first - behaviour changes usually do.

You will likely get an "extinction burst" from him when he decides he isn't happy with you not dancing eagerly to his tune any more - fortestrong.com/extinction-burst-what-is-it-and-how-can-you-use-it-to-your-advantage/

• but ride it out & it will ease off.

Remember that you don't owe him anything.
Not an explanation, not reasons, not excuses, not meetings, not messages, & not phone calls.
It is perfectly acceptable, when he starts hoovering you again, for you to send late, monosyllabic or short responses.
outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/hoovering

So when he demands: "what's up, why are you not showering me with ego-massaging attention any more?" (I paraphrase, but you know he is gonna do this at some point)
ALL YOU NEED ANSWER is "I don't feel like chatting, catch you later" & then totally disengage for a few days.

Don't let yourself "feel horrible" OP.
You have done nothing horrible, & you don't deserve to feel it.
Remind yourself of all his death-by-a-thousand-cuts, & who the horrible person is in all this.
He only keeps you around to play with you, like a cat with a mouse, he does not have your wellbeing at heart.
Keep those answers short, make the length of response time later & later, & eventually you'll be able to withdraw completely.

Finally OP - THERE IS NO NEED FOR "I feel I must reply".
That old compulsion is a habit, not a need.
Think of how much more time you'll have for genuine people, & for yourself, without this gameplaying arsehole in it - & leave it another 2 days before you send your next Grey Rock.

GREY ROCK.

Keep your head Perri and stay strong. he does not have your wellbeing at heart

Thanks. It’s a generic-ish text. I won’t write the contents just in case.

I appreciate those links, thanks. I’ll look at them after work.

Grey rock is not easy … but I think ye are right. It’s the only way & it feels like a relief to read that I don’t owe him explanations. The last thing I want to do is being up the whole horrible debacle with his wife - too much time has past & I genuinely felt fine …. Until he texted me!

bring

Isn't it funny how a text from him throws you into these feelings of anxiety and discomfort? Shows how toxic this 'friendship' is and why you're right to create a distance with you.

Once he realises that you're doing this, he will up the ante so be prepared. Grey rock will always work. I would leave it a good few days before replying to his text with something very neutral. If he texts again before you reply, wait another few days. If he then starts bombarding you with texts and harassing you to be in touch, you can either block him (best move) or text something neutral like, "Really busy at the moment. I'll get back to you when I have a minute." Repeat until you're ready to block or he gives up, whichever comes first.

*create a distance with him

I've made a mistake here Perri - apologies.
INSTEAD of ALL YOU NEED ANSWER is "I don't feel like chatting, catch you later" & then totally disengage for a few days.

Please use "Too busy to chat right now, catch you later" -

As per PP's very good advice to keep ALL mention of your feelings or motivations out of this.

Thank you very much - great advice. Knowing him, I really don’t think he’ll harass me to be in touch but It is interesting that he’s texting again. We are lifelong friends so I do think his intentions are good — as it said in the useful article (thanks) about hooverers that they may well have good intentions but I think I need to trust myself at this stage and stop giving him so many chances. I regret not reacting to the way he treated me at my wedding. It still upsets me when I think of it. The comment he made was utterly diminishing too. It was actually nasty. Our second last meet-up was horrible for me & I was upset for days and our last meet-up wasn’t as bad but he said the bit about his wife being ‘better than ever’ so I should simply accept I’m better and healthier without him (and her, of course).

It’s true that it’s toxic though and it’s sad it got to that. It’s true that feeling anxiety and discomfort after being contacted by a friend is a sure red flag!

Good point about not sharing my feelings with him. No more emotional investment. God knows I invested too much emotionally in them both already. It feels like a waste but I guess I learned.

I just can’t wait for him to stop contacting me and to be able to just bump into one another and be civil. I was honestly fine until he contacted me. I’d be happy out with creasing contact (despite some sadness) but it’d honestly feel a lot better than trying to disengage and grey rock him.

ceasing