Should I Let Her Husband Go Too?

[Perriwinkles]

So, I am female. I have a male childhood friend. He met his now wife and she and I hit it off … in time. I made a huge effort with her & wanted to make sure she knew just how platonic her husband and I were. A true friendship then developed.

Roll on 8 years later and she and I had got very very close. Then one day, it all imploded. I thought it was a bad fight (& our only ever fight) but she cut me out entirely even though we had left each other on good terms that day. I was devastated & asked for an explanation. She wrote me a nasty text that I didn’t know she was capable of. I had never been so close to a friend & it affected me terribly. I spoke to a therapist about it and lost a lot of sleep.

Her husband, my long-standing friend, still makes an effort to maintain his friendship with me — we see each every once every few months and some texts. The problem is that every time I see him I am re-triggered. The friendship break-up cut me deep and seeing him opens up the wound every single time. It takes me weeks to recover. I have never once brought any of this up with him and I never discuss her with him. He brings her up though as he is consumed by her.

What do you think? Should I try to slowly phase him out too? The problem is … He’s universally adored! He’s one of those guys who doesn’t see people often but puts on his game face when he sees them and so ‘the gang’ all love him (when they see him at get-togethers, weddings etc.).

I want to move on (as I know she has) but what should I do?

We are lifelong friends so I do think his intentions are good

I regret not reacting to the way he treated me at my wedding. It still upsets me when I think of it. The comment he made was utterly diminishing too. It was actually nasty. Our second last meet-up was horrible for me & I was upset for days

Great example of cognitive dissonance, OP. Both of these things can't be true.

Keep going with the grey rock. You are reclaiming your power.

Thanks. Reclaiming power is what it is I suppose.

Another week another text. I got it yesterday-just generic banter. I grey-rocked the last one & I will grey rock this one too in a couple of days. I’m really hoping this dance doesn’t go on too long! He’s texting more often than usual.

These people are all very predictable, Perri. It will play out just as pp here have said. Maybe leave this one a week before you reply. For every time he texts you, add another few days on to the time you take to respond. If his text doesn't contain a direct question, and is just banter, as you say, maybe it doesn't require any response at all.

He's just testing you to see if he can get you to jump like he used to. When the texts don't work, don't be surprised if he graduates to phone calls or turns up at your house or creates some kind of drama for you to respond to. If he does, keep your head and just grey rock. Don't let him in the house ("I'm just about to go out") and don't answer the phone. If you want to respond to a call, do so with a text. Do not respond to any drama at all under any circumstances.

He's trying to engage you. There may be a flying monkey (friend contacts you on his behalf), or he has some kind of 'crisis' that he needs you for. Grey rock all the way.

He’s texting more often than usual.

Yup. See link upthread, 'extinction burst'.

Well held OP :)

Mmmm thanks very much for the responses & encouragement. This text has a direct question. I feel soft (& a bit guilty as it’s not in my nature to ignore people) but this has gone on long enough & I need to phase it out. I should have done this years ago or after a time when he was obviously unpleasant. It might look like it’s come out of nowhere to him … but I have to stop constantly looking at his perspective & think of my own. I’ll wait longer to respond to this one. I’d really like if he got the message.

Stop worrying about his feelings. He doesn't care about yours! The only 'feelings' of his you can possibly hurt are his pride and his ego. He doesn't care about you, your 'friendship' or anything else. He will care that he's losing you as someone he can use.

You need to be clear-headed about this, OP. As you say, stop thinking of his perspective. Not least because you are projecting your own qualities of empathy, kindness and friendship onto his perspective. His perspective is NOT THAT. His perspective is that he likes being able to control you and use you and he is going to be pissed off that you are taking that away from him.

Direct questions as in 'how are you?' can be ignored. No urgency to respond to any questions at all. If you must answer, give a very neutral and boring response. "How are you?" "Fine." "What have you been up to." "Not much." Be boring. Thumbs up emoji can also be deployed here.

Thanks @beastlyslumber I’m sad such a long friendship is coming to a close but what I’d like is to have no direct contact whatsoever & I’d be happy to be friendly n chatty in social situations or if we bump into one another.

I think you might have to accept that you might not get exactly what you want here. It might be that once he realises you're no longer playing, he will go on the offensive, which means he won't be able to be friendly with you in public if it undermines the image of you he's created for himself/others.

On top of that, he isn't going to accept you being friendly and chatty in public and then ignoring him in private. Tbh, no one would like that treatment, but in his case, he'll assume that your friendliness means that you're back under his influence, and the contact will start up again - but this time he'll have ammunition, because you've chatted away with him and shared information and emotion with him. So you'll put yourself back to the beginning.

I think it might be more realistic and sensible to aim for "no contact, and if we happen to be in the same place as one another, we'll be civil and avoid each other politely without creating any drama."

Thanks @beastlyslumber I suppose I’m hoping for it to look like we’ve drifted apart which is why I’d love if he stop contacting me. But i remember the other friend I tried to phase out. She contacted me 1.5 years later assuming I was being lazy & neglectful as she had been & we’re still friends to this day which is fine but I don’t want that to happen with him & I don’t want a big confrontation either. it’s too late for all of that.

You could block him for a few weeks, then you don’t have to give another thought to the messages getting through, or only reply to 1 in 3 with things like ‘haha’, ‘good one’, ‘let me get this thing out of the way at work…’ or a vaguely appropriate emoji. Keep shutting down the conversation, grey rock, diffuse and scale down.

Thanks @SarahBellam

Keep shutting down the conversation, grey rock, diffuse and scale down
I’ll keep trying this ^^ I’ve a feeling the texts will fade out in time as I know him very well. he has a lotuv pride and wouldn’t like to be seen to be chasing. It’s sad given all the time I invested in both of them but I learned from them and I’m sure they learned from me. Even some of his criticisms of me have helped me learn and grow despite being very hard to take at the time.

Reflecting on my friendship with him has made me reflect on other friendships too and I’ve no time anymore for people who treat me worse than they treat other friends and people who are all into hierarchies. I also appreciate my real friends so much more.

if you have an iPhone @Perriwinkles you can swipe right on the message thread and mute them, so you won’t get notified when he texts. it’s good for stopping yourself from replying back immediately.

@snackodactyl
Thanks. I love your username!

Just a little update. 2 more texts since I last posted. Both banter banter. I am finding it easier to take my time replying and I reply in a dull way but I would like if he took the hint!

He's escalating because he's not getting the response he expects/wants.

You can keep on this way until he finally gives up. But don't be surprised if he escalates beyond texting and creates some kind of drama to draw you back in. Or you can block. I would just block.

Thanks @beastlyslumber Blocking feels a bit too drastic right now so I’ll continue grey rockin until he gives up.

I’m really kickin myself that I didn’t react when he did horrible things like at my wedding, it would’ve made sense then . I am so annoyed I held him up on a pedestal and doubted myself instead of him.

Lesson learned for me and hopefully for people like me who’ve read this thread.

Maybe just ignore his latest texts. Don't block, but just don't respond? That might do the trick.

@Perriwinkles

Thanks *@beastlyslumber* Blocking feels a bit too drastic right now so I’ll continue grey rockin until he gives up.

I’m really kickin myself that I didn’t react when he did horrible things like at my wedding, it would’ve made sense then . I am so annoyed I held him up on a pedestal and doubted myself instead of him.

Lesson learned for me and hopefully for people like me who’ve read this thread.

Oh Peri - how do you think wise old bats get wise?

By making mistakes, tolerating bullshit, excusing poor behaviour, & then ... growing up by, as you rightly point out, ... learning from it.

Keep on grey rockin'

Thanks @beastlyslumber I think I’ll have to send some kind of reply but I’ll just make it greyer.

Thanks @ChargingBuck I suppose I just feel so silly for putting up with SO MUCH crap & learning lessons in my 40s that I should’ve learned in my 20s! But if it helps me become a wise old bat, maybe it’s worf it

worth

Thanks for all of the advice of late. He's continued to text and I continue to grey rock and he has now asked if we can meet up in his most recent text. So, I think I'm going to just have to keep going like this for a while until he finally gets the hint. I think he has too much pride to let this go on too long. It's so horrible ending a friendship to be honest even though I know it's the right thing. I really know that now because of the help on this thread. It really helped me reflect.

Thanks again and best wishes to you all.

Good luck. Do you feel better about it now you're not engaging with him?

I do actually. I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I felt some kind of duty to keep up the friendship even though I had suppressed rage towards him & felt rubbish after seeing him. It feels more authentic now.