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Original poster

Should I Let Her Husband Go Too?

444 replies

Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 21:46

So, I am female. I have a male childhood friend. He met his now wife and she and I hit it off … in time. I made a huge effort with her & wanted to make sure she knew just how platonic her husband and I were. A true friendship then developed.

Roll on 8 years later and she and I had got very very close. Then one day, it all imploded. I thought it was a bad fight (& our only ever fight) but she cut me out entirely even though we had left each other on good terms that day. I was devastated & asked for an explanation. She wrote me a nasty text that I didn’t know she was capable of. I had never been so close to a friend & it affected me terribly. I spoke to a therapist about it and lost a lot of sleep.

Her husband, my long-standing friend, still makes an effort to maintain his friendship with me — we see each every once every few months and some texts. The problem is that every time I see him I am re-triggered. The friendship break-up cut me deep and seeing him opens up the wound every single time. It takes me weeks to recover. I have never once brought any of this up with him and I never discuss her with him. He brings her up though as he is consumed by her.

What do you think? Should I try to slowly phase him out too? The problem is … He’s universally adored! He’s one of those guys who doesn’t see people often but puts on his game face when he sees them and so ‘the gang’ all love him (when they see him at get-togethers, weddings etc.).

I want to move on (as I know she has) but what should I do?

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/08/2021 21:49

Prob just tell him that you need to keep your distance re: one to one friendships as it triggers what happened.
What was the fight over?

Brimorion · 19/08/2021 21:49

Why have you never brought any of this up with him? It must be a stinking huge elephant in the room every time you meet.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 19/08/2021 21:50

I would continue seeing him and not loose the friendship.
Your feelings about her will probably mellow overtime x

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 21:51

Thanks.

I was advised not to bring it up with him as it’s getting him involved…I feel it is an elephant in the room but I’d be afraid to bring it up as let’s face it, he’s married to her.

OP posts:
Kintsugi16 · 19/08/2021 21:52

I would need to know why tbh x

thumpingrug · 19/08/2021 21:52

You need to tell him exactly what sort of impact this had on you and say you need some space and time to let things heal. Give it at least 6 months and meet again to see if things have changed for you. If your still triggered you will need greater distance.

frerecoler · 19/08/2021 21:53

He isn't a friend if you can't talk to him about it.

When exactly did this happen?

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 21:53

Thanks so much. It’s been almost two years since she and I fell out. So, I don’t know when I’ll mellow. It was a pretty upsetting experience being cut out like that.

OP posts:
frerecoler · 19/08/2021 21:54

Pffft. I would ask him and then listen to what he said.

And then sleep on it. A lot.

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 21:54

Thanks. Ask him what?

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 21:59

I know why the friendship ended. She explained it all in her text (after I checked in to see how she was. I didn’t even know we were no longer friends until I asked).

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 19/08/2021 22:03

Does he know about this ? TBH though if it takes you weeks to recover then maybe this is something you should be seeking some therapy about ?

Hercisback · 19/08/2021 22:06

This is tricky to untangle. Will you ever see them together again?.
Do you want/value his friendship over how you feel after seeing him?

Brimorion · 19/08/2021 22:25

@Perriwinkles

Thanks.

I was advised not to bring it up with him as it’s getting him involved…I feel it is an elephant in the room but I’d be afraid to bring it up as let’s face it, he’s married to her.

Advised by whom? And frankly, if this friendship you clearly value is making you feel this awful two years on after the fallout with his wife, isn’t it worth a try? You’re considering distancing yourself from him anyway because not talking about it isn’t helping you. It might be a relief to actually stop pretending everything is fine, whatever he says in response. I mean, obviously you wouldn’t be asking him to pick sides, only say what you’ve said here, that seeing him upsets you because of the breach with his wife.

And it does sound like therapy might help, if it’s still so desperately upsetting to you. Do you feel any responsibility for the end of the friendship with his wife? As in, do you think in hindsight you did anything wrong?

Sakurami · 19/08/2021 22:30

This sounds very dramatic and sudden. Did something happen?

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 22:40

Thanks for the comments. It wasn’t so dramatic and sudden. I just didn’t want to the post to be crazy long so I gave a condensed version of events.

Do you want/value his friendship over how you feel after seeing him?

Tbh, I think I’d be ok with a lot of distance but the problem is the wider group we are a part of. None of them know him how I or his wife do and he really turns it on, so he’s immensely popular. I do care about him but it’s all too triggering.

I’ve had enough therapy for a lifetime. I know I don’t need any more & it wouldn’t help.

Do you feel any responsibility for the end of the friendship with his wife? As in, do you think in hindsight you did anything wrong?

Oh yeah, after she sent me the insanely long & at times nasty text, I apologised profusely again and again. I 100% owned my side but part of what hurts so much is that she never owned hers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 22:43

It might be a relief to actually stop pretending everything is fine, whatever he says in response. I mean, obviously you wouldn’t be asking him to pick sides, only say what you’ve said here, that seeing him upsets you because of the breach with his wife

You’re right. It’s just upsetting & maybe embarrassing as he told me the last time I saw him that she is ‘better than ever.’ That really hurt and that’s the comment that took me a long time to recover from. She told me I was like family, like a sister, how she felt so close to me and then one argument and I’m just completely cut out.

OP posts:
Brimorion · 19/08/2021 22:54

@Perriwinkles

It might be a relief to actually stop pretending everything is fine, whatever he says in response. I mean, obviously you wouldn’t be asking him to pick sides, only say what you’ve said here, that seeing him upsets you because of the breach with his wife

You’re right. It’s just upsetting & maybe embarrassing as he told me the last time I saw him that she is ‘better than ever.’ That really hurt and that’s the comment that took me a long time to recover from. She told me I was like family, like a sister, how she felt so close to me and then one argument and I’m just completely cut out.

But why did it hurt? She’s clearly not suffering from the end of the friendship as you are, but honestly, would you have expected her to? She chose to end it, so it was a willed decision of hers, whereas your unhappiness about it does sound quite extreme after two years…?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve mourned friendships, too — I’m not unsympathetic.

Brimorion · 19/08/2021 22:55

Oh, and that’s why I was asking whether you feel in any way responsible, because your reaction is still so extreme two years on — it sounds like more than ordinary sadness.

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 23:11

She chose to end it, so it was a willed decision of hers, whereas your unhappiness about it does sound quite extreme after two years…?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve mourned friendships, too — I’m not unsympathetic

You know, that’s a very good point. It never occurred to me that she simply wasn’t upset over it even though I know she’s not. Maybe I always felt more invested in the friendship than she was.

It is more than ordinary sadness as the friendship meant a lot to me and I had invested so much in it. I thought I had been so understanding too.

I guess I know I want to distance from him but he keeps contacting me every couple of months and is always keen to meet up. I’m certain he knows about it from her perspective and I guess I knew better than to try to tell him mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 23:13

I know she was upset & angry at the time but she is ‘better than ever’ now and I wish I was.

OP posts:
Cranberriez · 19/08/2021 23:37

What happened to cause her to cut you out?

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 23:50

I don’t really want to go into too much detail as it’s outing but I felt I was being treated badly by both of them, I let it go, she eventually picked up on it and asked me about it, I told her what was wrong & we talked etc. It seemed like it was all ok but then I never heard from her so I contacted her and she wrote me a thesis long text misinterpreting what I’d said and making some nasty jibes at me. I apologised for hurting her feelings and explained etc. I also called myself a fool etc, really took responsibility but she didn’t. Tbh, I don’t want to be friends with her anymore but it still hurts and it’s so hard to move on when her husband contacts me & when other friends ask after him a lot and tell me how great they think he is.

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 19/08/2021 23:55

He's a good friend to still maintain the friendship, despite how quickly she dropped you. Is it definitely worth keeping the friendship with him?

Has the argument damaged your friendship with him from your perspective?

Do you have other friends?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/08/2021 00:01

Have you ever said to him "your wife is a wanker"? Why not?