Should I Let Her Husband Go Too?

[Perriwinkles]

So, I am female. I have a male childhood friend. He met his now wife and she and I hit it off … in time. I made a huge effort with her & wanted to make sure she knew just how platonic her husband and I were. A true friendship then developed.

Roll on 8 years later and she and I had got very very close. Then one day, it all imploded. I thought it was a bad fight (& our only ever fight) but she cut me out entirely even though we had left each other on good terms that day. I was devastated & asked for an explanation. She wrote me a nasty text that I didn’t know she was capable of. I had never been so close to a friend & it affected me terribly. I spoke to a therapist about it and lost a lot of sleep.

Her husband, my long-standing friend, still makes an effort to maintain his friendship with me — we see each every once every few months and some texts. The problem is that every time I see him I am re-triggered. The friendship break-up cut me deep and seeing him opens up the wound every single time. It takes me weeks to recover. I have never once brought any of this up with him and I never discuss her with him. He brings her up though as he is consumed by her.

What do you think? Should I try to slowly phase him out too? The problem is … He’s universally adored! He’s one of those guys who doesn’t see people often but puts on his game face when he sees them and so ‘the gang’ all love him (when they see him at get-togethers, weddings etc.).

I want to move on (as I know she has) but what should I do?

@Perriwinkles

Why are you not allowed to tell him your point of view?

I suppose I’m afraid it could make things messy especially if he reports back to her. He could respond in a way I find upsetting and Also I’m just very un-confrontational.

Doesn't matter if he reports back. You can block her. She can't do anything. You are giving her and him too much power. You could make new friends.

How do you feel about telling him that you don't want to hear about her? It seems that him talking about her all the time is a problem. I bet he's heard a skewed version of what you fought about and just isn't aware of how hurt you are. Before ditching this very long-standing friendship for good, see if you can find a way to still see each other having agreed to not reference the elephant in the room.

I personally think if you feel that you don't want to see him anymore, you may as well clear the air with him and get your side across. It might give you a bit of closure.

If they both treated you badly why is it you only fell out with her?

Does he still treat you badly?
Did you ever confront him about his part in all of this?

@diddl

"I felt I was being treated badly by both of them"

Do you still feel that?

If so, why bother with him?

"she and I hit it off … in time. I made a huge effort with her & wanted to make sure she knew just how platonic her husband and I were. A true friendship then developed."

Maybe it wasn't a true friendship?

"everybody loves him and he has a "game face" Hmmmmm are you SURE he is your friend? "I felt I was being treated badly by both of them" Really SURE he is your friend?

Honestly life is too short and i'd just let it go.

I get that you don't want more therapy but I'd certainly look into learning some life skills or you risk being unhappy all your life.

What are you getting out of this friendship @Perriwinkles?

From what you've posted, it's all angst and upset. Friendships aren't meant to be like this and with you having fallen out with this man's wife, your friendship with him will never fully recover as his loyalty will always be to his wife.

Who cares if he's a great guy and everyone loves him. He's not a positive influence in your life and that's all that matters.

For your own mental/emotional well-being, you need to phase him out. As a non confrontational person, that could just be a case of not responding to his texts and he'll soon get the message. I'm not a big fan of this option, I'd rather tell someone why I'm ending the friendship, but I'm assertive and I wouldn't have allowed a friendship like this to erode me in the way this has for you. However, I understand if you can't tell him directly.

I think there's much more to this than you've posted which makes it hard for people reading the thread to be able to respond appropriately.

I can understand your hurt when the row blew up. It sounds as though you we're feeling let down by them both and then opened up. The row happened, you thought it had cleared the air but it obviously didn't.

But you've remained friends with the husband. Even though you say he had also been part of the original issue which caused your hurt. Have you towed with him too? Or raised the original problem with him? If not, why It?
You seem to be set against cooling the friendship with him. Why is that? Is it because you are all part of a wider friendship group and you fear the mutual friends will take 'their' side and drop you?

The broken friendship sounds a bit intense. Maybe row back on your expectations of friendship. Just tell him that seeing him makes you a bit sad as you miss his wife’s friendship as that doesn’t sound too heavy. Do you have other friends?

I don't think you need counselling but CBT could really help. You have some unhelpful habits about forming and maintaining friendships.

You lack confidence, you struggle with confrontation in that sometimes you want it, then when it doesn't go well, you fall into a very passive mode which also doesn't help.

You need to find a way to let it go. It is not right that it's still affecting you in this way after two years. Why shouldn't his wife be enjoying her life? Do you want her to feel sad and angry two years after you told her she was badly treating you? People don't want to be critiqued and told that they are failing. You threw a grenade into your friendship and are now feeling very sorry for yourself because everything blew up.

Stop seeing him. Make a new life for yourself centering yourself. I dont know why you keep mentioning that he is popular?? What has that got to do with anything? I am sorry you went through upset. I dont think its abnormal to still be upset if you are still in the same friendship group. Stand up for yourself. She behaved badly. You dessrve kindness and respect. Now move on. He seems like a complete wimp not being able to discuss it - how odd.

Sounds like a family problem. Substitute that he's your brother and she's a SiL (ok they aren't really but that's the sort of relationship) then you're stuck with a SiL who's fallen out with you, a brother you want to maintain a good relationship with and a family group you want to maintain (your mutual friends).

You're sort of stuffed. If you tell your friend (or even show him her message) it may cause them problems but he'll probably side with her.

I think you need to speak to him about this - he is your friend after all. It sounds like you still need help processing what happened with his wife - if anything he is in the best place to help you with this. A conversation will make or break your friendship but sounds like its on the rocks now so you have nothing to lose and maybe something great to gain.

Seems like he gets a kick out of telling you how well she’s doing without you, or he’s been told to tell you that.

I would keep my distance if I were you. I’m sure your other friends can manage a night or 2 without him.

I was actually wondering when I read it if she was in love with the wife - that would seem to make more sense
@Lovelydiscusfish

Yes I thought this. Not in a sexual sense perhaps OP but you've described a very intense "friendship" that actually reads more like someone describing their "soul mate".

A PP said it sounded like she wanted to end the friendship and your "complaint" gave her an opportunity to do so. In hindsight do you think she may have felt suffocated? When they treated you badly, did this involve not spending as much time with you as you wanted?

I'm sure you've posted about this couple before, it sounds very familiar.

You absolutely need to take a step back, be less available for meet ups with him.

But I agree, there is far too much angst and drama here. You should not still be so consumed about the end of a friendship with someone who treated you badly 2 years later. And yes, if they were both treating you badly, why are you still so keen to maintain the friendship with him? I don't get the impression you're in love with him, but I do think you are clinging on to the friendship for all the wrong reasons. You need to concentrate on other friends and let this couple go.

I know you say you don’t need any more therapy, but do you realise it’s not normal to need weeks to recover after the upset of seeing an old friend who is married to a once friend who ended your friendship TWO YEARS AGO.
People recover faster from losing the love of their life after 30 years of spending every day with them. I’d focus on why you aren’t recovering and what you could change to fix that rather than him or the former friendship.

She probably thought, ‘keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer.’ Once she established you weren’t a threat there was no need to continue. Most wives don’t want their DH to have a close friend of the opposite sex.
You do seem overly invested in their perfect life but say you have plenty of other friends, time to cut him adrift. I say that as someone whose platonic best friend of thirty years is male.

Perhaps she is telling him to make sure he tells you how happy/content/successful she is every time you meet…. I think he is part of the problem not the solution. However close your friendship you are not as close to him as his wife… she will always take priority…
Let it slowly go… don’t be available next time he asks to meet up…. It will slowly slide and you will feel better…

Being dumped by a friend is incredibly painful, can be much worse than a romantic breakup, so I do sympathise.

I do wonder whether the OP relationship with the wife got a bit over intense. Your strong feelings are clearly all about her and you resent her moving on when you haven’t etc. You don’t seem bothered about losing the friendship with the husband per se - sharp comparison with how you felt about the wife.

If you never really want to hang out with him again or hear her mentioned, I think you need to front up and explain that what happened still bothers you and it was very hurtful and so you don’t want to see him outside of group occasions. Ghosting people is unkind and he doesn’t sound like he deserves it.

I think secretly maybe the reason you don’t want to tell him why, is because then his wife will hear that you’re still upset. You want her to imagine you too are “better than ever” even though you aren’t.

@PalmsandCharms

Just noticed you've also made a dig about her putting their 'perfect life' on social media.

It's abundantly clear you're in love with this guy and have been for years. I think the wife clicked onto this. You need to walk away. He loves his wife and all you're doing is hurting yourself by continuing to see him.

This would be my interpretation too and why I don’t think close, heterosexual, male & female 1:1 friendships work outside of couple friends. Just walk away from them both OP. Say you’re busy the next few times he wants to meet you and forget to text back. Job done. You’re never going to have a proper friendship with someone when you can’t see or hear about their wife - that’s just not a realistic set up and sounds like a massive waste of time when you could be putting your energies into a friendship with a future.

Next time he asks to meet up I’d say “I’d love to as I do enjoy spending time with you catching up, but tbh I always come away from our meetings feeling a bit down as it reminds me of what happened with xx. So I think I’ll give it a miss this time. Take care” and see what he says.

It’s odd that you’ve both been dancing around what happened and that she clearly isn’t so cut up by it that she’s bothered about him remaining friends with you, which in any other couple would be a bit strange.

I was actually wondering when I read it if she was in love with the wife - that would seem to make more sense.

This was definitely my first thought from the OP as well tbh...the relationship sounded very intense, and to still be affected 2 years later...

When you say that seeing him opens things up for you, OP, what is it you’re feeling? If you examine those feelings perhaps it might help you move on? I suspect it may be more to do with feeling you havd been unjustly treated which may manifest feelings of not being good enough, of being fundamentally ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ in some way? I may be completely barking up the wrong way, but that would be plain the difficulty you’re having two years later….

Thanks so much for the messages. I’ve taken them on the chin as for the most part, they’re healthy. I do realise this has affected me badly so I probably should add that my marriage had finally ended just before this, so it was a loss on a loss.

I just want to clear something up:

It sounds to me as if you befriended her in order to get closer to her husband, and she has realised that
This is categorically untrue. I’ve been close friends with him since I was a kid. I didn’t need her to be close to him. In the beginning she was threatened by our friendship so I made an effort to be nice because I really liked her & didn’t want to lose him. I look back at that phase and realise that’s when most people would have just stood right back …

You are blatantly in love with him and are jealous of his relationship with his wife because you want what she has

I might be a little jealous of their lives in ways but I’m not in love with him. He was single for almost two decades before he met her. I could’ve made my move if I fancied him. I know him far too well to have romantic feelings, trust me. She knows that too, which is why it works. I’m like a sister to him which ls why she used to describe me as family.

I meant HELPFUL not ‘healthy’

I think there's much more to this than you've posted which makes it hard for people reading the thread to be able to respond appropriately

I’m happy to share but my ex DH knew about the goings-on & it was he who said they were treating me badly…I only told her because she really pushed me to find out. I wish I hadn’t but at the same time, I hadn’t been feeling happy in the three-way friendship for quite some time. I felt like a dumping ground for their problems by both of them.