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Original poster

Should I Let Her Husband Go Too?

444 replies

Perriwinkles · 19/08/2021 21:46

So, I am female. I have a male childhood friend. He met his now wife and she and I hit it off … in time. I made a huge effort with her & wanted to make sure she knew just how platonic her husband and I were. A true friendship then developed.

Roll on 8 years later and she and I had got very very close. Then one day, it all imploded. I thought it was a bad fight (& our only ever fight) but she cut me out entirely even though we had left each other on good terms that day. I was devastated & asked for an explanation. She wrote me a nasty text that I didn’t know she was capable of. I had never been so close to a friend & it affected me terribly. I spoke to a therapist about it and lost a lot of sleep.

Her husband, my long-standing friend, still makes an effort to maintain his friendship with me — we see each every once every few months and some texts. The problem is that every time I see him I am re-triggered. The friendship break-up cut me deep and seeing him opens up the wound every single time. It takes me weeks to recover. I have never once brought any of this up with him and I never discuss her with him. He brings her up though as he is consumed by her.

What do you think? Should I try to slowly phase him out too? The problem is … He’s universally adored! He’s one of those guys who doesn’t see people often but puts on his game face when he sees them and so ‘the gang’ all love him (when they see him at get-togethers, weddings etc.).

I want to move on (as I know she has) but what should I do?

OP posts:
Chikapu · 20/08/2021 13:19

Bloody hell, is he Svengali?

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 13:19

Thanks.

I never look at their SM any more.

@Lanareyrey
You’re the first person who has posted who has been through similar…I’d love to know how you went about it and what the fall-out (if any) afterwards was?

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 13:24

@Imhereforthecake

Life is too short to worry about those who don’t worry about us
I need to write that down and stick it on my wall: the story of my life and so f*in’ true! 😢It almost makes me feel angry thinking about that.

Is there a chance he had feelings for you?
I really doubt it. Again, he had two decades of singledom before meeting her so he could’ve acted on it then. Romance doesn’t come in to any of this . I’m the friend he talks to about all the women he liked and despite his frequent exasperation with his wife, he’s head over heels in love with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 13:25

@Chikapu

Bloody hell, is he Svengali?
GrinNot quite!!

OP posts:
Lanareyrey · 20/08/2021 13:33

@Perriwinkles

Thanks.

I never look at their SM any more.

@Lanareyrey
You’re the first person who has posted who has been through similar…I’d love to know how you went about it and what the fall-out (if any) afterwards was?

For me OP I just drifted slowly, just made excuses that I was busy for whenever my friend was wanting to catch up and then eventually just didn't really bother contacting again and drifted apart. I was wanting to to tell my friend why but in the end it was going to achieve nothing. We weren't part of a group so didn't have to worry about that, but even if he does make out it's all your fault to other people, do you really care? Says more about them than you to be honest.

There doesn't have to be a fallout OP, just go quietly. You don't owe him an explanation anyway. After all, he hasn't bothered to ask you how you have felt in all of this.

They both sound a bit like they have narcissistic tendencies? You don't need people like that in your life.

I too took it very very badly, but once they are completely out of your life you will find it very freeing. Trust me!

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 13:40

@Lanareyrey

Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate it as you have been through a similar situation.

There doesn't have to be a fallout OP, just go quietly. You don't owe him an explanation anyway. After all, he hasn't bothered to ask you how you have felt in all of this
Thank you. That’s very true. He has shown no concern but he has made an effort to stay friends but I’m not sure how much I like him any more to be honest.

They both sound a bit like they have narcissistic tendencies? You don't need people like that in your life
Yes. That’s what I meant when I said he was ‘consumed by her.’ I didn’t mean it in a snidely way. He talks about her incessantly (not always positively but sometimes as though he’s trying to mould her into the perfect wife for him). They often forget they’ve told me something - or fought about something in front of me. Their relationship had a lot of arguing etc. I was actually surprised when they got engaged. But you’re right. I’ll just go slowly, ever so slowly slowly and then one day … we’ll just exchange polite conversation at someone’s wedding/birthday and I’ll be all the happier for it.

OP posts:
Lanareyrey · 20/08/2021 13:47

[quote Perriwinkles]@Lanareyrey

Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate it as you have been through a similar situation.

There doesn't have to be a fallout OP, just go quietly. You don't owe him an explanation anyway. After all, he hasn't bothered to ask you how you have felt in all of this
Thank you. That’s very true. He has shown no concern but he has made an effort to stay friends but I’m not sure how much I like him any more to be honest.

They both sound a bit like they have narcissistic tendencies? You don't need people like that in your life
Yes. That’s what I meant when I said he was ‘consumed by her.’ I didn’t mean it in a snidely way. He talks about her incessantly (not always positively but sometimes as though he’s trying to mould her into the perfect wife for him). They often forget they’ve told me something - or fought about something in front of me. Their relationship had a lot of arguing etc. I was actually surprised when they got engaged. But you’re right. I’ll just go slowly, ever so slowly slowly and then one day … we’ll just exchange polite conversation at someone’s wedding/birthday and I’ll be all the happier for it.[/quote]
OP I think you already know the answers by the sounds of it! It's just taking that step forward, and I know it's hard to do. It almost sounds like he's continuing the friendship for an ulterior motive, it definitely doesn't sound genuine on his part and even though it's his wife, it is incredibly rude and hurtful to just dismiss your feelings especially after the way SHE acted and then say to you "she's doing better than ever". What an absolute piss take.

Unfollow on social media platforms, restrict your profile etc. The less you see of them the better and it's good you're not checking their SM. They will soon get the message.

Life is too short to put up with toxic people. You will also find you get stronger and will never let this sort of thing happen to you again.

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 13:50

Life is too short to put up with toxic people. You will also find you get stronger and will never let this sort of thing happen to you again

You know, that’s true … I’ve been so determined not to fall out with him that I’ve neglected my own feelings in all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 13:51

It almost sounds like he's continuing the friendship for an ulterior motive, it definitely doesn't sound genuine on his part

This has very much occurred to me…

OP posts:
SillyDoriswithaDangler · 20/08/2021 13:58

Can't you just be 'busy' the next few times he rings?

pinkcircustop · 20/08/2021 13:58

What do you mean they were treating you badly? What did they do?

It sounds as if they just separately talked to you about their marriage problems, you got huffy about it after a comment from your ex-DH and became off with them so the wife had to probe you to find out why you were behaving that way towards them.

You say you didn’t want to tell them but you must have been off with them as otherwise she wouldn’t have had anything to probe dunnoi

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 14:09

No there was a lot more too it than that @pinkcircustop they did treat me badly and it took me a long time to accept that. It was a pattern over time, not just one thing. I never brought up any of their marital problems etc when I spoke to her. I don’t want to go into the ins and outs of how they treated me but the short explanation , since you have asked, is that everything was always on their terms and there was one rule for them and another for me. I never even told ex-DH about their marital issues so you have that wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 14:10

@SillyDoriswithaDangler

I suppose so. It feels quite disingenuous to be honest and I’m not sure it’ll work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 14:11

To add to all of this, they have a new baby who I haven’t met and I feel I really should. It seems like bad form not to, is it?

OP posts:
pinkcircustop · 20/08/2021 14:13

Okay, but it still sounds like instead of addressing the actual way they were apparently treating you, you just began acting off with them which led her to probe you to find out why.

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 14:16

@pinkcircustop
Ok so what’s your point? My question here is if I should let her husband go…not sure what you’re trying to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 14:19

it is incredibly rude and hurtful to just dismiss your feelings especially after the way SHE acted and then say to you "she's doing better than ever". What an absolute piss take
This is true and thank you for your insight. It’s as though I’m not supposed to have feelings. I look back and realise her feelings were always more important than mine - or his, for that matter. (I’m not the only person she has had these issues with).

OP posts:
pinkcircustop · 20/08/2021 14:19

@Perriwinkles

To add to all of this, they have a new baby who I haven’t met and I feel I really should. It seems like bad form not to, is it?
Why do you think you should? Confused
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 14:21

@pinkcircustop

Someone said upthread that people don’t like being critiqued. Tbh, in all of your posts above I feel you’re just trying to critique me. It’s not helpful in my current predicament.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/08/2021 14:21

@Perriwinkles

To add to all of this, they have a new baby who I haven’t met and I feel I really should. It seems like bad form not to, is it?
Why do you think this?

You're not friends with the mother & I don't really think that he is your friend either!

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 20/08/2021 14:23

@diddl
Because he has said ‘you’ll have to meet [their son]’ . I can hardly say ‘no I don’t want to meet your adorable new son.’ It feels so awkward.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 20/08/2021 14:24

Why would you think you should meet their new baby? Why can’t you just join the billions of people who will never meet their baby?

diddl · 20/08/2021 14:26

[quote Perriwinkles]@diddl
Because he has said ‘you’ll have to meet [their son]’ . I can hardly say ‘no I don’t want to meet your adorable new son.’ It feels so awkward.[/quote]
You just say "Ok", but then not make/decline an arrangement!

Has he actually tried to arrange anything?

Hummingbird1950 · 20/08/2021 14:27

@Perriwinkles

But how do I navigate the greater group? This man works in PR so I’m afraid he’ll present it to the greater group in a way that makes me look bad? I know I’m a little insecure considering I see them all so much more than he does but he has this way of winning people over. One of our friends’ husband met him ONCE and that husband keeps asking after him and when we’ll see him again etc. That’s how much magnetism he has with people.
Why don't you develop more hobbies and then you can be genuinely too busy to meet up with him? So no lies needed to avoid meeting and no need to say anything about the real reason either. You can then say to others about your new hobbies and that you haven't seen him for a while, when they ask. As for when can they meet him again (which is weird of them to ask you) just shrug and say you've no plans to meet up with him any time soon, you're so busy lately. They'll soon get the hint that you're not their social organiser. Sadly, as these old friends of yours now live further away, I wouldn't be surprised if they start to fade you out too, if it turns out the only reason they're still friends with you is to maintain a connection to Mr. Charisma. But it's better to know these things than to not know and your new hobbies will provide opportunities for new friendships as well.
badpuma · 20/08/2021 14:28

I think you have to deflect a bit more. The response to "you'll have to meet [new baby] " is "yes, that would be lovely, lets fix a date" but unfortunately you'll be quite busy with your exciting new social life!

I do understand a bit what its like - I had a short period of time in which I was made redundant, very very nearly split up with DH and lost a friend all in the same 2 weeks. In retrospect, I focused incessantly on the issues with DH and piled all my hurt about losing my job and my friend onto the relationship with him. If you and your ex split up at the same sort of time she was bitching,

I just wonder, is it possible that it was a huge cascade of things all at once which you haven't quite finished untangling, rather than the friendship itself?