DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

[Rootvegseason]

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

Lol, I knew it was going to be a van, possibly a Splitty?

Do you go to shows in it and camping events?
I’ve had a few Splitties; a 61, 63 and a 67 back in the day. One of mine ended up on the cover of a book.

I wouldn’t drive one nowadays as they’re horrible to change gear, it’s like rummaging around in treacle.

Do you have your own vehicle? Could you meet DP at the event?

And Roth yeah … honestly I think it wouldn’t be an immediate thing, I think it would over the course of a few years end things though. So just saying no will have implications and serious implications given a child is involved.

As I say though I think it’s best if I give the thread up as a bad job! But before I do - I posted in relationships, not advice on how to say no in the rudest way possible.

Yes I understand OP but it's not how is that hurting your back.

It's why do you keep getting in the damn car and why does this tosser expect you to.

Does that help any?

is it a motorbike and side car?

Men and their bloody hobbies that they want others to do too. My dh likes sailing but doesn't want to sail solo even though I am no longer wanting to go that often (I don't). Its not like I look all disappointed when he doesn't enthusiastically join my yoga class. Its like the old days when weekends revolved around whatever Dads wanted to do (pub, club, his hobby) regardless of anyone else. They are turning into their fathers.

Because we can't answer that question for you.

I’ve PMd you @NoSquirrels but er - no and if I was I don’t think I’d appreciate you outing a NC, tbh.

I have thanked you but I’ll be honest, I really think that’s a wanker thing to do.

@Rootvegseason

I’ve tried to explain but people just keep posting that I’m stupid / a princess / whatever, so I don’t see the point of carrying on with the thread. I genuinely apologise if that sounds sharp but seven pages of are getting to me a bit, to be honest.

No one’s said you’re stupid or a princess. There is near total agreement that you should not be getting in the van in order to protect your health.

@Sarahlou63

Dancing? Twister?

Twister. Haha. Really made me laugh out loud 🤣

@Noteshook

If you're worried saying you don't want to go into a vehicle that causes you physical pain will affect your relationship, then you perhaps have bigger issues.

This.

If he'd pick riding in the vehicle over life with you, surely you're better off without him?

If you not going in the vehicle means you'll never habe any free time together, then you can make your own decision about if that's ok with (or more likely, not)

Does he drive it like a dick? Or is it a case of no matter how nice you drive you just get flung about?

Well no because while that might hold true for me it doesn’t hold true for ds.

So yes - I might be happier not being lobbed around the back of a campervan but the implications for this for ds are pretty serious.

But will reflect on some of the things you’ve all said.

@Rootvegseason

I’ve PMd you *@NoSquirrels* but er - no and if I was I don’t think I’d appreciate you outing a NC, tbh.

I have thanked you but I’ll be honest, I really think that’s a wanker thing to do.

Fair enough. I didn’t consider it particularly outing, but I’m sorry if it offended you.

As I say, advice is the same either way. Don’t avoid conflict, if only to be absolutely sure in your own mind that he is the wanker and not you not communicating properly.

I'm not really sure what answers you wanted OP. You can't change a dickhead, you can change how you react to them though.

Tell him you're not getting in the campervan again so not to ask. It's that simple.

What do you want to do or for him to do about it?

Would you like him to drive more carefully or with more concern for you? Would that make it better? If so, how can posting here help achieve that?

Or do you want him to give it up?

The obvious solution to some of us is that he does this by himself in future but you seem offended by that suggestion. Is it because you think he'll sulk or huff about it and you'll end up going or putting up with a bad mood from him about it?

So if you think DS isn't safe, he shouldn't be in it either. This is all pretty basic stuff OP. The more you post, the more it sounds like you have been bullied by this man.

I’m not offended but I am a chronic NCer due to stalking (not DP - erstwhile friend) so people saying ‘are you this poster’ could have some implications for me, and i mean - people NC for a reason IYSWIM.

Everyone is basically on your side OP - they don't think you should do something that hurts you just because it makes your partner happy.

I wouldn't be happy doing something with my partner if I knew it caused him pain, because I'm not horrible and I love him.

People are outraged your partner has made you feel unable to be firm about this as if you don't have agency over the decision to join him or not. It's entirely your choice and a decent partner wouldnt want to ask you to do something you've already told them causes you pain.

If he would rather you be in pain to get his way, than not get his way to avoid you being in pain, then he isn't a suitable partner. I appreciate you have a DS to think about but it doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself to life with an arsehole.

Especially as you don't want your son growing up thinking that men get their way, even if it means a woman is shrieking in pain and doing stuff she says she doesn't want to do like you are at the moment.

Yes, why do you have to join him in his 1960's hobby. My late Husband had an old vehicle in the 1960's. it was a bit bumpy to ride in when we were dating.. Yours sounds like it is an old farm tractor., my granddad had an old tractor, and a steamroller, they were a bit bumpy and dirty.

My uncle had an old motorbike and sidecar,, the bike part was ok, but the sidecar was pretty awful to sit in.

I think @NoSquirrels is right though about avoiding conflict. One huge issue is that DP is able to talk things around to sounding very reasonable, so for example we are ostensibly house hunting at the moment but I know full well in five years we’ll still be in our house because every single house we view has some reason he doesn’t like it, and I have tried going down the route of - well, nothing is perfect, why don’t we both have ‘must haves’ and ‘could haves’ and we have but he still talks and turns it all round.

I think the problem with the campervan is as I’ve said it’s a huge ‘lifestyle’ aspect so it isn’t, despite what posters are saying, as simple as sending him off with it alone, but I do need to be firmer about it.

I totally get you OP and I think you're getting too much of a hard time TBH

I have hobbies that don't interest my DH which is fair enough, while I'm not massively as interested in the old veedub scene as him I do enjoy a drive out (someone asked why not take a different vehicle, we'll, because it's about the experience of being in an old car, which for the OP is what's causing the pain!). If the experience was causing me pain to the degree I started saying I wasn't going then DH and I would probably spend very little time together.

That would OBVIOUSLY have implications on our relationship!

The OP hasn't asked how to get out of going in the car she's asked for advice on how to do that and/or approach the subject with her husband in such a way so as not to damage their relationship.

I don't think that's an unreasonable ask.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that if it wasn't for the pain it's causing her, then the OP perhaps would enjoy the family time/outings in the old car hence why she's so torn about what to do and how to deal with it.

I think some a lot of posters are just being twats TBH.

Take a stapler with you. Every time he careers over a bump and throws you about, wang a staple in his leg / bollocks. He'll learn to drive more carefully.

I have chronic spinal issues, I'm in pain 24/7 with my lower back, hip and sciatica. Doing your husbands hobby would leave me in a bad way every drive! We have a modern and comfortable car and even in that it can be hard. I cry often with the pain. I am only posting to say I know how hard it is and you have all my sympathy /empathy. I hope that you can make him see how it is for you and if not you will just have to be blunt and say no and mean it!

Well, I don’t know about enjoying it but I don’t mind it. I think it’s a bit like when you take your DCs to soft play and they enjoy it so you sort of do too.