DP keeps hurting me (by accident - not domestic abuse)

[Rootvegseason]

I have an old injury. In fairness I acquired it long before I met DP, and for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

DP has a hobby and it massively exacerbates this injury. It leaves me in a lot of pain.

I’ve asked for us not to do it but he says he’ll be careful and it will be fine. It never bloody is fine!

How would you approach this … I feel like if this was a new relationship it might indicate we aren’t right for one another maybe but it’s not, we have a child. Not sure.

My husband belonged to a Classic Car Rallying club and took part in various events which he enjoyed immensely.

I can honestly say I never went in the cars, I was pleased for him but had no interest.

You don't have to join him in his hobby, especially if you find his current car uncomfortable. Just refuse, end of.

@CoronaPeroni

You need to drive and he sits in the back. The advantage the driver has is that they can brace themselves for bumps and corners and grip the steering wheel to stay still. In the back you are vulnerable. I can't even bear our modern car in the back.

Agree! Has he actually experienced being in the camper van as a passenger?

@mstroutpout

I don't understand how this isn't domestic abuse of your partner continues to do something to you that you have told him hurts and you feel like you can't ask him to stop doing the thing so as not to upset him? And when you've told him it hurts you, he tells you it doesn't.

Surely a non abusive partner would be horrified to think they were doing something that hurt their partner and would believe them and cease doing the thing immediately?

Well, yes of course if he was ‘doing’ something to someone who had no control.

But OP just has to stop getting in the vehicle. If she’s not in it, he can’t do anything to hurt her. Because the harm only occurs in the vehicle, and it’s not him causing the harm (apart from perhaps shit driving) it’s the nature of the vehicle itself. The vehicle causes the harm to her back.

The agency here is all hers.

The real issue seems to be communication.

It's not by accident, is it? He's fully aware you have a painful injury yet drives in a manner which throws you around on the back seat.
I also cannot understand why you continue to put yourself in a situation which you know will cause you pain.

Your post reads as if he is a sadist & you are a masochist.

A camper van is more than a car, though. People have holidays in them. My husband's podiatrist had one and talked about it endlessly while doing his feet.

My associations with a VW camper van go back to my teenage years - and they are not very wholesome.

It's hardly a family car, I presume you have another one for running around.

It's about time your old man grew up!

@Rootvegseason

Haha fair enough *@DifficultBloodyWoman* but I don’t know anyone else with it. It’s a 1960s vw campervan and yeah believe me you get flung around. Oh boy do you get flung around.

VW Campervans are death traps. My grandad had one in the 70's and we would regularly end up on the floor, no seatbelts then either. We had to cling on for dear life. Your really do get thrown around.

Also he was a terrible driver, we used to dread getting in it for days out where we would get lost and have to spend even more time in the campervan whilst my parents were comfy and safe in their car!

Just tell him no, it is making your back worse.

My DH is a vintage Veedubber aswell, I totally get you, it's really NOT a solo hobby as some people have suggested!! My DH loves to "go for a drive" and have me along for a chatter.

But why isn’t it a solo thing? If you’re taking the camper to the beach/a festival/road trip etc - where the lifestyle elements of a camper are actually useful, I get it. But if you’re just “going for a drive” and a chat, and the camper isn’t suitable for 2 out of 3 people, and you’re only daytripping somewhere you don’t need the van facilities, why would you take it in that circumstance?

I am a solo veedubber 🤣

Really, you don’t have to get in there with him, tell him to go on his own. You don’t have to do everything together, it’s ok to have separate hobbies.

Well, I do appreciate the answers and thank you. I’m not sure it’s particularly helpful for people to keep pulling faces and acting as if I am some sort of idiot, though.

There are a few things with this that concern me and the first is that he knows it hurts but he carries on. To be honest, while we do have a family car similar issues (though not as bad) do arise - he drives quite hard and hits potholes and so on at speed and me squawking and shrieking is not unusual.

I think my instinct is largely to downplay injuries and pain because after all there’s nothing anyone can do and this is something that has largely translated to his driving. I can’t drive it by the way - I’m not insured on it and I don’t want to drive it and plus you get jolted and hurled around wherever.

A PP who mentioned her DH on the jet ski has nailed it - it does leave you feeling a bit put out and like you don’t matter, and that’s a feeling I’ve had a LOT lately. So it isn’t really just a case of ‘I don’t want to go in the campervan’ it’s actually a whole load of stuff where my partner thinks it’s acceptable to have me lobbed around yelling in pain!

But tbh, I wish I hadn’t posted. So I’ll leave it at that. Thanks again for replies especially the ones that did ‘get it.’

You're just going to have to put on your big girl pants and tell him that you aren't riding in that van anymore, or set a definite distance radius if you can tolerate short trips. We had one (mid-80s 'Vanagon' model) and they definitely have a 'rough ride'. I don't have a bad back but you surely do know you've been on the road!

The closest situation to yours I had was when DH rented a Harley for 5 days and planned a road trip for us. I do NOT like motorcycles and he loves the speed and maneuvering of them. I told him that if he scared me ONE TIME, even made me catch my breath, I would get off at the next stop, rent a car, and drive home. He was a good as gold. So if you decide there is an 'ok' distance for you (say a 5 mile jaunt) tell him that if he exceeds that limit, or even suggests it, you will NOT ride again.

@diddl

Well if he does decide to split he can just move into his van!

I know that potholes can't be helped-but "crashing over bridges"?

Is he a shit/careless driver to boot?

We used to have a Commer van & went for miles without being "flung about".

I only got caught with the Commer once when there was an emergency stop and I went head first over the engine cover because I was leaning over to reach a different cassette under the passenger seat.

I was more surprised he'd managed to get it over 15mph in the first place to 20 when there was a slight incline - he apologised and said there had been a slight dip downhill and he'd got a nit overexcited just as a deer came over the hedgerow.

The later VW split wasn't the slightest trouble except overheating in traffic like all air-cooled ones did. He missed the Commer because of that.

@Rootvegseason

I was worried about outing myself but I can see that this is one of those where I’ll have to. But can I be clear please I don’t want pages of people saying I can’t be hurt. I am.

He has a 1960s style vehicle. Likes to go driving in it.

I have a very bad back. I am hurled around the back like a rag doll. It really hurts me.

Probably should be a bit blunter about it but it’s hard as he is passionate about it.

Are there seatbelts? Can you retrofit them?

You just have to tell him that you're not doing it again or set limits on distance/journey that is within your tolerances.

At the moment, it sounds like he drives like a doofus based on your discussion of him clashing into pot holes regardless of vehicle. He has no understanding how much you are being thrown around in an involuntary manner in the back because as a driver you have multiple brace points (pedals, steering wheel, seat belts) and thinks you're possibly playing it up, because it doesn't feel so bad to him. By continuing to go on jaunts with him, you're also reinforcing the idea that it's not that bad after all, and that you are being a drama queen about the pain.

So next time just say "No thanks, I'd rather punch myself repeatedly in the tits than get in the back of that shit heap"

We have a T6 camper. Kids hate it . I follow in the car if we are going on a long distance camping trip / holiday .

I get it OP we sold our old camper van this year and bought a comfy modern one. DH loved the vintage VW but it just wasn't practical for the family anymore.

@Rootvegseason

I have *@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe*

It’s hard because as anyone with back problems knows it isn’t something sort of consistent. Most of the time you wouldn’t know somethings wrong.

But like now - we set out and there’s a road closure so we end up on country lanes and I’m being hurled around the back yelping as we hit potholes and crash over bridges and so on - and I ask him if we can just give it up as a bad job and I get ‘oh just try sitting like this / doing this.’

I worry he thinks I’m being dramatic!

And yeah I probably should just refuse to get in it but he’s so passionate about it (in many ways more or a lifestyle than hobby) I worry it would have implications for our relationship tbh.

Well that doesn't seem to bother him much, does it?

@Rootvegseason

OK - I can see from the responses it was a bad move to post. I’ll leave it there.

Why? What answers did you want?

He’s not hurting you though, you’re hurting yourself by agreeing to go in the car when you know it’s uncomfortable

Yep - got it. Thanks.

OP I think you are misunderstanding some of the posters here. I totally get it, I have a really bad back. What we don't get is why you keep [utting yourself in this position.

Your problem appears to be this And yeah I probably should just refuse to get in it but he’s so passionate about it (in many ways more or a lifestyle than hobby) I worry it would have implications for our relationship tbh.

Are you really saying that if you stopped allowing yourself to be hurt and injured, he would call time on your relationship? If so, doesn't that tell you everything you need to know?

If you're worried to say you don't want to ride in a camper van because it hurts your back, there's no hope for this relationship at all. Just stop getting in the van.

Women often put their own selves second to male wants. What’s he putting himself in genuine physical discomfort to please or appease your wants?

Because we can all find something that benefits our own mental health without damaging others, or a compromise whereby each person is equally trading off personal comfort to facilitate the other, but stopping short of actual physical, mental, emotional damage.

You’ve told him it hurts you. It’s not an essential hobby, it’s not the only hobby available, you aren’t necessary to him partaking in it.

So he is being thoroughly selfish if insisting upon it (whether directly or indirectly putting pressure on you)

Which is not ok obviously.

“You are doing it to yourself” is an argument that holds zero water if it doesn’t take into account the numerous ways people being selfish (at best), or abusive, manipulate those around them.

I’ve tried to explain but people just keep posting that I’m stupid / a princess / whatever, so I don’t see the point of carrying on with the thread. I genuinely apologise if that sounds sharp but seven pages of are getting to me a bit, to be honest.

No one has said you're stupid or a princess in fairness.