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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone help me understand what my partners thought process is on this please

134 replies

Flia42 · 18/08/2021 19:39

I’ll try and explain this as best I can. I am fully awaiting the ‘man child’ ‘sulky’ responses..but all joking aside there is genuinely something not right..

So at the weekend partner and I were going to make a recipe. We woke on Saturday and the convo went like this..

Him: ‘can we make xxx’
Me: ‘we can but we’re short on (ingredient) and will need to go and get some more’
Him: ‘oh ok’

He stand there and looks really fed up. I wasn’t overly concerned as he’s acted like this before but this as far as I’ve known him is a minor thing to get ??? over.
So I look at him and ask him if he’s ok..he reply’s yes but I’m a clearly disappointed tone.
I say ‘are you upset because we haven’t got the right ingredients? He replied yes.

I explained to him, like I would have to do to a young child that all we needed was to go to the shop, get the thing and then we could make. As soon as I’d spelt that out on those simple terms he seemed fine.

Now honestly, that’s not right for a 45 yr old man is it?! What is it?? What makes him become so internally disappointed that I have to try and make him understand what the (to me) simple plan is?!

It’s driving me mad?? Anyone I’d love to try and help him

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/08/2021 19:57

He literally wants you to mother him. That's all there is to it.

Original poster
Flia42 · 18/08/2021 20:14

@girlmom21 yes you’ll be right on that. His mum died a few years back and I guess he’s obviously missing that side of his life

OP posts:
Seafog · 18/08/2021 20:18

He straight up wants his mum

baileys6904 · 18/08/2021 20:19

Thank fuck my OH doesn't post on here when I open the treat cupboard and there's no ripples.... I'd imagine I'd have a similar tone

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/08/2021 20:22

I explained to him, like I would have to do to a young child that all we needed was to go to the shop, get the thing and then we could make. As soon as I’d spelt that out on those simple terms he seemed fine.
That's not normal for an adult with no learning difficulties, sorry.
Didn't he understand this simple concept before you explained?

toothpicklover · 18/08/2021 20:24

Fuck that! Surely any normal person would have just nipped to the shops.

That would put me right off

CtrlU · 18/08/2021 20:32

How long has he been doing this for?

I’m getting the impression this isn’t new and possibly he keeps doing it as possibly you keep entertaining it

HollowTalk · 18/08/2021 20:34

He sounds pretty gormless and dependent, OP. Doesn't it drive you nuts?

Foxhasbigsocks · 18/08/2021 20:35

Could be very mild asd?

My dc with asd would struggle with sudden change of plan from 1) we can make it to 2) we have to go to shops THEN make it

ShitShop · 18/08/2021 20:35

I imagine he wanted you to go out and get xyz and then potentially make the thing for him too?! The fact that he wanted to do the fun bit, but was disappointed that he had to put in a bit of effort first!

billy1966 · 18/08/2021 20:38

OP, this is going to get old so quickly unless of course you find someone wanting you to be their mommy a turn on?

SilverRoe · 18/08/2021 20:41

Only non weird thing i can think of is that he took you saying there was none of the ingredient as meaning you didn’t want to make it.

Other than that, it’s pretty odd. When he said can we make it did he really mean you?

Original poster
Flia42 · 18/08/2021 20:42

Thanks for the replies. We’ve been together nearly 5yrs and yes it’s not the first time he’s acted like this.
I wouldn’t say he wanted me to make the recipe as he was excited by this but to find he couldn’t make it ‘then’ disappointed him??!

OP posts:
aerosocks · 18/08/2021 20:43

I suspect that he thought you were making an excuse of not having all the ingredients because deep down you really didn't want to do it, but didn't want to say so. Which burst his balloon and spoiled the idea.

Original poster
Flia42 · 18/08/2021 20:44

Aero I’m not sure. I was happy to do it, odd if he thought otherwise!

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 18/08/2021 20:46

The whole conversation reads as though you were talking to a 5 year old, op.
"Are you upset because we don't have the ingredients?"... And then it has to be explained to him that you can just go to the shop and buy some Confused
He's 45. Surely even if his mother was still alive she wouldn't treat him like a 5 year old?

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/08/2021 20:46

What were you making that generated such excitement?!

Knittingupastorm · 18/08/2021 20:49

to find he couldn’t make it ‘then’ disappointed him??!

Did it just disappoint him? Your OP makes it sound more like he didn’t actually comprehend the situation. I’d be disappointed if I couldn’t make something I’d planned to make because I needed to go shopping, but it would be more of a “urgh what a faff” reaction, not a reaction that would solved by someone just explaining it to me.

Abitlikeabiscuit · 18/08/2021 20:51

Yeah we're gonna need to know what you were making, what's with the secrecy?

And yes, that's really weird on his part! What happens if you try to ask him about his thought processes?

DismantledKing · 18/08/2021 20:51

Could be very mild asd?

Here we go.

Goodthings · 18/08/2021 20:55

Did he just want you to do it? Ie go to the shops?

BelendaCarlisle · 18/08/2021 20:56

I don’t even understand why he asked if he could make something. My partner would just say that they’re going to make something.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/08/2021 20:59

@BelendaCarlisle

I don’t even understand why he asked if he could make something. My partner would just say that they’re going to make something.
This 😬
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/08/2021 21:03

What are the other types of things he gets upset about? Do they also relate to disappointment / change of plans?

Many people struggle with changing plans. I understand it is a common feature in ASD but there's plenty of neurotypical people who also do.

It's kind of gross that you think he wants you to mother him. I mean I can understand that if he's lost his mum, and they were close, that he has a need for a nurturing female figure in his life. But you can be supportive and comforting when he needs that (and of course as a partner you should be, and he to you) without being maternal.

Original poster
Flia42 · 18/08/2021 23:05

No pretty sure he didn’t want me to do it, he was looking forward to doing it, it’s the break in A to B that seems to distress him.

So update..I spoke to him about it. He agreed he can be immature and laughed saying I should have just snapped him out of it. I said it’s strange and like dealing like a 5yr old. He did apologise and say he got disappointed when things didn’t happen..

OP posts: