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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone help me understand what my partners thought process is on this please

134 replies

Flia42 · 18/08/2021 19:39

I’ll try and explain this as best I can. I am fully awaiting the ‘man child’ ‘sulky’ responses..but all joking aside there is genuinely something not right..

So at the weekend partner and I were going to make a recipe. We woke on Saturday and the convo went like this..

Him: ‘can we make xxx’
Me: ‘we can but we’re short on (ingredient) and will need to go and get some more’
Him: ‘oh ok’

He stand there and looks really fed up. I wasn’t overly concerned as he’s acted like this before but this as far as I’ve known him is a minor thing to get ??? over.
So I look at him and ask him if he’s ok..he reply’s yes but I’m a clearly disappointed tone.
I say ‘are you upset because we haven’t got the right ingredients? He replied yes.

I explained to him, like I would have to do to a young child that all we needed was to go to the shop, get the thing and then we could make. As soon as I’d spelt that out on those simple terms he seemed fine.

Now honestly, that’s not right for a 45 yr old man is it?! What is it?? What makes him become so internally disappointed that I have to try and make him understand what the (to me) simple plan is?!

It’s driving me mad?? Anyone I’d love to try and help him

OP posts:
Original poster
Flia42 · 21/08/2021 19:41

@GreyhoundG1rl some soap.
Let’s remember this wasn’t set in stone and was discussed casually to do at some point..clearly he’d decided in his head we were doing it then and felt let down?!

OP posts:
girl71 · 21/08/2021 19:42

"@Flia42 I honestly think he has an idea in his head and when it doesn’t go to plan he has an internal meltdown".

You are not the idea in his head. Walk away.

Original poster
Flia42 · 21/08/2021 19:55

@girl71 no I’m not, because he’s too interested in sulking when I ask him why he behaves like this?!
I have left him be.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 21/08/2021 20:10

@baileys6904

Thank fuck my OH doesn't post on here when I open the treat cupboard and there's no ripples.... I'd imagine I'd have a similar tone
Grin
Blindleadingtheblind · 21/08/2021 23:42

I couldnt be doing with this. Tell him he either grows up or ships out. If he doesnt change his ways sack him off.

Original poster
Flia42 · 22/08/2021 09:36

@Blindleadingtheblind I agree. Sadly it isn’t the 1st time and I’d said to him on discussing it I wasn’t criticising him or belittling him I just didn’t understand his reaction..followed by please don’t do that silent thing you can do when I speak to you…and what’s he doing.
I’m so so upset but can see unless he’s allowed to carry on doing what he wants this is how he runs things. Very immature

OP posts:
Oldraver · 22/08/2021 10:11

The sulking is bloody horrible and quiet frankly a ltb offence

But also you had made it clear to him twice you didn't have the ingredient and he did nothing about it. He was obviously expecting you to facilitate this and sulked when you didn't

It just would of been so easy for him to pop to the shop

Original poster
Flia42 · 22/08/2021 10:16

@Oldraver yes the sulking is so very hurtful and unfair on me. What baffles me is that he laughed and said he was immature and seemed fine with the whole conversation being brought up…and it’s now day 3 of silence while he reels in his own thoughts for..well who knows.
Yes I’d mentioned and as others have said it’s like he wants everything sorted for him, ready and if not it feels like a disaster / he’s been let down??

OP posts:
WhoIsPepeSilva · 22/08/2021 12:48

Who cares about what ingredient it was and for what recipe?

OP you are absolutely spot on when you say he is punishing you for asking about pointing out his negative behaviour. You weren't wrong to do so.

You say this is a pattern. Which once you sort is fine...

Know how to break this unpleasant pattern? Get rid of the sulky man who punishes you for perceived slights. It gets worse and the slights even more intangible as time goes on.

Original poster
Flia42 · 22/08/2021 14:42

@WhoIsPepeSilva well I did wonder regarding the ingredient question but hey?!
He’s done it before very early on and I had absolutely no clue why and I still don’t. That’s my fault for not pushing I guess.
Day 3 and nothing. I’m genuinely very disappointed after what we’ve been grouch together and I hope he lives to regret this childish behaviour

OP posts:
OzziePopPop · 22/08/2021 22:12

@Hen2018

Page 1 of the thread before someone suggested ASD.

My child has been in special schools for 10 years and will probably never life independently but he knows you pop to a shop to buy ingredients.

WHY do posters keep typing ASD as a solution to everything?

This!

Plus, isn’t ‘immature at 45’ behaving like a 25 year old or teen, not literally a 5 year old?

Original poster
Flia42 · 22/08/2021 22:45

@OzziePopPop I would expect even a teenager or 25 yr old to grasp the concept that having to get an ingredient wasn’t something to sulk about. And after realising when we do that we can make it equals a smile of ‘oh yeah?’..it’s honestly like a small
Child would behave!!

OP posts:
OzziePopPop · 22/08/2021 22:45

That was my point?

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/08/2021 22:52

[quote Flia42]@OzziePopPop I would expect even a teenager or 25 yr old to grasp the concept that having to get an ingredient wasn’t something to sulk about. And after realising when we do that we can make it equals a smile of ‘oh yeah?’..it’s honestly like a small
Child would behave!![/quote]
Well, that's apparent to everyone reading the thread...

So why are you indulging it?

WhoIsPepeSilva · 22/08/2021 22:58

[quote Flia42]@WhoIsPepeSilva well I did wonder regarding the ingredient question but hey?!
He’s done it before very early on and I had absolutely no clue why and I still don’t. That’s my fault for not pushing I guess.
Day 3 and nothing. I’m genuinely very disappointed after what we’ve been grouch together and I hope he lives to regret this childish behaviour[/quote]
*He's done it before very early on" Yes you said this was a pattern of behaviour. You've discussed it and he agrees it's acceptable behaviour but then he escalates to stonewalling you as punishment. It's not the first time and won't be the last.

That's my fault for not pushing I guess No, it's really not. It's entirely his fault and he's doing a stand up job of making you feel like it's yours.

The question is what do you plan on doing about it?

WhoIsPepeSilva · 22/08/2021 22:59

Bold fail and "acceptable behaviour" = unacceptable behaviour

Myyearmytime · 22/08/2021 23:01

Sulking is a form of abuse..

Original poster
Flia42 · 22/08/2021 23:17

Sorry @OzziePopPop I misread it!
What am I doing about it..well he hasn’t spoken to me since Friday..and I haven’t made contact. I won’t be doing anything. Really quite incredible how you can have a very good relationship until this side comes out and it’s ruined it completely. His loss hey.

OP posts:
WhoIsPepeSilva · 22/08/2021 23:42

It is his loss!

I asked what you were going to do about it because it seems like you are waiting to hear from him which is quite passive.
What happens when he does eventually get in touch, will you tell him it's over? In which case why not take power back for yourself and tell him you've made a decision and it's over.

If you are waiting to see how long it takes him to contact you, why? It'll be hurtful whether he holds out for 3 days or the full 2 weeks or more surely, and he's made his point loud and clear - he will punish you however long he thinks it takes for you to toe the line and learn the lesson.

FWIW it's really sad when this happens and it can take a while for everything to line up properly in your head Flowers

Blindleadingtheblind · 22/08/2021 23:43

Yep, chick him back in the sea OP and find someone who doesn't need a conversation dumbing down just to grasp it.

Blindleadingtheblind · 22/08/2021 23:44

Chuck* arghhh fat thumbs

RAOK · 22/08/2021 23:53

He sounds awful. You deserve better. If you don’t message him again first perhaps he’ll never message you..?

Guineapigbridge · 22/08/2021 23:58

He wanted you to facilitate this special meal, but you didn't, now you've offended his idea of what a woman and partner should be like so he's upset.

How much of a big deal would it have been for you to facilitate this baking/cooking? Is he afraid that you're not the type of person who will go out of her way to do something nice? Is he afraid that you're not the type of person to have a well-stocked kitchen (like his mum)?

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/08/2021 00:01

@Guineapigbridge

He wanted you to facilitate this special meal, but you didn't, now you've offended his idea of what a woman and partner should be like so he's upset.

How much of a big deal would it have been for you to facilitate this baking/cooking? Is he afraid that you're not the type of person who will go out of her way to do something nice? Is he afraid that you're not the type of person to have a well-stocked kitchen (like his mum)?

It was making soap. Which I can't help thinking is a craft activity more suited to a bored 7 year old on a rainy afternoon than a grown man, who then sulks like a toddler when one of the "ingredients" is not in stock.
Guineapigbridge · 23/08/2021 02:30

Oh,opps. Soap making. Should've rtft...