Can anyone help me understand what my partners thought process is on this please

[Flia42]

I’ll try and explain this as best I can. I am fully awaiting the ‘man child’ ‘sulky’ responses..but all joking aside there is genuinely something not right..

So at the weekend partner and I were going to make a recipe. We woke on Saturday and the convo went like this..

Him: ‘can we make xxx’
Me: ‘we can but we’re short on (ingredient) and will need to go and get some more’
Him: ‘oh ok’

He stand there and looks really fed up. I wasn’t overly concerned as he’s acted like this before but this as far as I’ve known him is a minor thing to get ??? over.
So I look at him and ask him if he’s ok..he reply’s yes but I’m a clearly disappointed tone.
I say ‘are you upset because we haven’t got the right ingredients? He replied yes.

I explained to him, like I would have to do to a young child that all we needed was to go to the shop, get the thing and then we could make. As soon as I’d spelt that out on those simple terms he seemed fine.

Now honestly, that’s not right for a 45 yr old man is it?! What is it?? What makes him become so internally disappointed that I have to try and make him understand what the (to me) simple plan is?!

It’s driving me mad?? Anyone I’d love to try and help him

@Livpool

It sounds like a conversation I could have with 5 year old DS. I couldn't do it with a grown up I was in a relationship with

Yup!

I mean it would be a case whoever wanted "the recipe" the most would get the stuff or "oh well, another time then.

I imagine his preferred response would have been "great idea! Let me just nip out right now and get XX then we can get cracking!"

Tough one because it's obviously quite childish behaviour, but no one behaves textbook perfectly all the time. Some people get angry, some people go passive-aggressive martyr- I'm a bit inclined towards petulance myself 🤷‍♀️

I can't believe how dozens of people are having in depth heated discussions about another couples mild disagreement. Surely this is just life!

@pog100

I can't believe how dozens of people are having in depth heated discussions about another couples mild disagreement. Surely this is just life!

I don’t think it’s that it’s a ‘mild disagreement’, it’s more the fact that a 45 year old man appears to have the mental age of a 5 year old, and that his partner is aiding and abetting this.

Op my DH does this too and it is weird, the latest example was we went out for breakfast and we’d both had a full English in this cafe before and enjoyed it but when we got there I decided I wanted pancakes instead and he just looked really sad and couldn’t decide what he wanted and I eventually got out of him that he only wanted the full English if I had it too (why??) he then took ages to decide what he wanted, as in he sent the waitress away twice because he literally couldn’t decide meanwhile I’m getting hungrier and hungrier.

he got disappointed when things didn’t happen.
This whole thing is just weird, though. If he wanted something to happen, he could have done it.
Conversation like this:

Him: Fancy some banana bread?
You: Ooh, yes, yummy.
Him: I'm just popping to the coop for some butter, then, you need anything?
You: Can you pick me up a Magnum?
Him: Sure, see you in a mo.

This wasn't just temporary sulking because a shop trip was required though was it?

It's the, you ok, sulky yes.
Are you disappointed we can't make X without going to the shop? Yes
Then the cheering up once explained we can just go to the shop.

Yes he was acting like a toddler.
He's 45 FFS.
This would take all the fun out of making it together for me.

How the conversation would go here would be.
Can we make chilli tonight?
Yeah if we get some mince.
Cool I'll go shop do we need anything else?
Some wine, oh and get a milk, I'll write a list.

Yeah the sulking would take all the cooking together fun out of doing this for me. And give me the ick generally if this was a frequent reaction.

He's 45.

OP when it happens next time I would just say "acting like a child let"s forget it". And stick to it. If he realises sulking like a toddler doesn't get you attention or to do the thing you were going to do it might stop.
Or try "can't even go to the shop for mince? Oh my hero it's deeply unattractive you know". This also works in that men like to think deep down they could be James Bond (well this is what my H says).

Saying this everyone has a bit of a sulk from time to time. Depends on how often. But there is a difference in a playful, exaggerated "oh but the shop is so far away" (when it's a 5 minutes walk) sulk and a "serious toddler sulk" as an adult.

So he was upset because he had to go to the shop while he was hungry? I get terribly hangry, and I try not to be actually angry towards anyone so I can get a bit upset. My partner knows this, I'm sure it's not that fun for him either, but we both have our quirks. He probably didn't require the condescending explanation, he was just trying to let you know he wasn't upset with YOU he was upset about the food, so he snapped out of it.

Honestly, on its own, this is a really small and insignificant conversation that I couldn't imagine remembering, let alone posting about. Realistically, explaining it to him like he was five makes me feel like you also didn't have a handle on your emotions, which btw is completely okay. It's a human reaction to be emotional/ upset when you're hungry and tired.

It is a bit odd op. In our house it would go:

Him - I really want to eat/cook this thing.
Me - we don't have the ingredients.
Him - I'll just pop down the shops and get them then.

He is a proactive mature adult though, so maybe that's the difference.

@pog100

I can't believe how dozens of people are having in depth heated discussions about another couples mild disagreement. Surely this is just life!

I actually find these more "everyday stuff" threads really interesting. More so than the big issues like abuse or discovering infidelity.

Most of us only have our own version of what's "normal" and it's based on how our families interacted and behaved. Sure we'll have spent time at other kids houses as children, and with friends as adults, but it's not the same as living with someone else.

Until I started using mumsnet I had no idea that lots of things I'd always done/not done were different to most people. Like having a shit with the bathroom door open or even in front of a partner (you filthy animals!) or that you're not supposed to flush sanitary products. (My mum always told me I MUST flush them and I realised a few years ago it was because my awful dad didn't want to be reminded that women had periods. We also weren't allowed to keep a pack of towels or tampons in the bathroom, we had to keep them in our rooms. If I said "I've got period cramps" he would smack me around the head, hard.) Anyway by the time I found out on mumsnet that you shouldn't flush I was in peri-menopause but the handful of products I've used since then have gone in the bin.

But the interactions between people, the everyday ones, they're useful and interesting to me because my parents hated each other. My mum was a passive aggressive martyr and sulker, and my dad was an outright aggressive sarcastic abuser.

So it's refreshing to hear that in this case, OP has raised the issue, her DP has laughed and basically said "yeah that was a bit of a dick move, right?" and now all sounds pretty much okay.

I view cooking as a chore so anything like this would annoy me.

Does a trip to the shops involve a 40-min round trip by car, in which case you may as well make a shopping list and get other things while you're there, and then that becomes a Big Time- Consuming Event?

Or can you pop out to your corner shop 5 mins away?

If it's the former, I can understand the disappointment of hoping you can just do the thing you wanted to do without adding another chore to the list - I wouldn't get in a sulk and probably wouldn't appreciate being spoken to like a child, but some types of personalities, even as adults, find it hard to shift mental gear when you have an idea of what you'd like to happen but then have to adapt for practical reasons. You just have to not be a grumpy arse because of it....

@PalmsandCharms

Why did you pander to him 'looking fed up'? Why didn't you just get on with whatever you needed to do and ignore. Sounds like you created a situation that wasn't actually there. Stop feeding the beast.

I wondered this too

Ok!! Sorry haven’t replied sooner.
I think maybe I didn’t explain it clear enough or it’s got misconstrued..so

Dp had during the week asked if we could make this recipe..there was no set day, or time just a casual ‘shall we make’

On Saturday I mentioned we were short of x and we’d need to get some more. On Sunday he asked if we could make it. Neither had mentioned the missing ingredient so I obviously said ‘yes but we need to get x’

The look and the way he can act wound me up. When I said I explained to him like I would a 5yr old meant that I bullet pointed it. I wasn’t condescending or sarcastic just merely he seems to sometimes not be able to input a change?!

As I’ve put I spoke to him and he did apologise saying he can be immature.

The relationship as a whole is good but this bugged me. Like someone else said ‘cheering up when he realised it would happen’ is like a child getting their own way?!

So, completely different to your first post, then 🤔

Still sounds a bit similar to me, but this time with him repeatedly asking if he can make this thing, rather than just ... doing it. Is he asking you because he really means he wants you to do it, or why is he asking?

Him: Ooh, I really fancy that Thai curry for dinner. Shall we make it tonight?
You: Sure, though we don’t have any coconut milk.
Him: We can pick some up from Tesco on the way back from town later. We can pick up some coffee and custard creams while we’re there. We’re running a bit low.

That the way a normal conversation would go. If your DP manages to hold down a job then this should be easy for him. He acts like this because because he wants you to do it all. He’s not your baby. Stop it - tell him to go and get the thing you need.

E.g.

Him: Can we have sausages for dinner?
You: Sure, but you’ll need to go to the shops to buy some.

Then see how he reacts.

@knittingaddict

It is a bit odd op. In our house it would go:

Him - I really want to eat/cook this thing.
Me - we don't have the ingredients.
Him - I'll just pop down the shops and get them then.

He is a proactive mature adult though, so maybe that's the difference.

But I also think this is normal -

Him: Shall we make that recipe we've planned?
Me: Sure, I'll check we've got everything we need
(chaotic opening and closing of cupboards and fridge)
Me: Fuck's sake we're out of X and Y, I'll have to pop out to get them, that's annoying.
Me: (sigh and cat's bum mouth, puts shoes on with air of resignation, goes to get ingredients anyway)

I'm not being OTT or childish, I'm expressing mild annoyance at some mild inconvenience.

And our local shop is just 5 minutes away! I am very lazy, is the thing.

@DismantledKing don’t really understand your comment.

My dc has asd. This will be what she is like as an adult. Many many undiagnosed adults in their 30s, 40s and 50s have no idea they have ASD traits or ASD to a diagnostic level.
A mental health professional made this point to me recently in regards to undiagnosed adults struggling with anxiety.

Do you not realise this is a common issue?

Thanks all. Apologies if it’s written out slightly differently but hopefully you get the gist. I just wondered what others thought and what may have been going on on his head. Thank you for the replies

@Ionlydomassiveones no he’s not!

I couldnt be doing with this. Even young children understand that sometimes you need to shop for ingredients or whatever.

@user1471538283 no it’s bizarre. It can also result in me asking and him sulking after the event..guess what’s happening. Suddenly he was too tired to come over. This means I wouldn’t see him now for 2 weeks. For anyone thinking I’m being unfair trust me I know this pattern. So as much as he agreed he was immature and was ok about it on the phone it’s a quick agreement to save any arguments and then this. So far 2 days of silence.