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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone help me understand what my partners thought process is on this please

134 replies

Flia42 · 18/08/2021 19:39

I’ll try and explain this as best I can. I am fully awaiting the ‘man child’ ‘sulky’ responses..but all joking aside there is genuinely something not right..

So at the weekend partner and I were going to make a recipe. We woke on Saturday and the convo went like this..

Him: ‘can we make xxx’
Me: ‘we can but we’re short on (ingredient) and will need to go and get some more’
Him: ‘oh ok’

He stand there and looks really fed up. I wasn’t overly concerned as he’s acted like this before but this as far as I’ve known him is a minor thing to get ??? over.
So I look at him and ask him if he’s ok..he reply’s yes but I’m a clearly disappointed tone.
I say ‘are you upset because we haven’t got the right ingredients? He replied yes.

I explained to him, like I would have to do to a young child that all we needed was to go to the shop, get the thing and then we could make. As soon as I’d spelt that out on those simple terms he seemed fine.

Now honestly, that’s not right for a 45 yr old man is it?! What is it?? What makes him become so internally disappointed that I have to try and make him understand what the (to me) simple plan is?!

It’s driving me mad?? Anyone I’d love to try and help him

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/08/2021 23:12

🙄do you want to be with a 5 year old?

Original poster
Flia42 · 18/08/2021 23:15

@billy1966 well there’s a lot more to hi. Than this obviously and it isn’t a huge issue for me, the fact I didn’t get it made me ask. Also he has apologised and agreed he’s acting odd..is that a good step or do people think this could get worse?!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 18/08/2021 23:16

Why is it your responsibility to snap him out of it?

billy1966 · 19/08/2021 07:47

Of course it can get worse.

The more you accept, the more you get.

Why would a grown man want to behave this way?

Why would a grown woman accept it?

His behaviour would give me the Ick.

Why do you feel that you should manage his behaviour?

Why would you want a parent/child relationship where you have to point it out and he agrees with you.

The dynamic is Ick.

Flowers
Unanananana · 19/08/2021 07:57

@Justmuddlingalong

Why is it your responsibility to snap him out of it?
This. If he is an NT 45 year old he is responsible for this. Not you.

I couldn't be in an intimate relationship with someone I had to mother. Yuck.

GoWalkabout · 19/08/2021 07:59

We are all odd OP. My Mum for instance had a disappointing birthday when she was five (mum was in hospital, she remembered getting an amazing present the year before, useless or stressed Dad didn't get her anything) she swallowed her feelings and kept quiet but feels the disappointment like yesterday. She is very capable and sorted but still swallows her feelings and spends impulsively. Sometimes those younger bits of us don't get integrated with the adult so in effect you ARE talking to a five year old, but only when that part is active. Your husband is as normal as anyone is. You sound like you can talk it through. I agree you don't need to take on responsibility for his feelings, but you didn't so all good.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 08:01

I think it's a good thing he knows it was odd behaviour and could laugh it off. We all have our quirks and if you have an otherwise healthy relationship it's not the end of the world.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/08/2021 08:02

I explained to him, like I would have to do to a young child

I’d end the relationship with you if you did that to me. I’d honestly be irritated that if we’d planned to do a recipe on Saturday that the ingredients would be ready by Saturday with no extra faffing off to the shops. That’s poor planning on your part and to then speak to your partner as if they were a young child to avoid any responsibility or admission of poor planning. Yes, you and I would be done. I’m not a child and shouldn’t be spoken to like one.

Brimorion · 19/08/2021 08:06

@billy1966

Of course it can get worse.

The more you accept, the more you get.

Why would a grown man want to behave this way?

Why would a grown woman accept it?

His behaviour would give me the Ick.

Why do you feel that you should manage his behaviour?

Why would you want a parent/child relationship where you have to point it out and he agrees with you.

The dynamic is Ick.

Flowers

This. And seconding pps questions about why he was asking whether you could make whatever his was, rather than just going and making it? How on earth do you manage not to want to scream when a 46 year old adult thinks you’re his mother and he’s 5?
MoreRainThanAnyYet · 19/08/2021 08:07

Plan, did you actually read the OP?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2021 08:07

@MoreRainThanAnyYet

Plan, did you actually read the OP?
Clearly not.
Brimorion · 19/08/2021 08:08

@PlanDeRaccordement

I explained to him, like I would have to do to a young child

I’d end the relationship with you if you did that to me. I’d honestly be irritated that if we’d planned to do a recipe on Saturday that the ingredients would be ready by Saturday with no extra faffing off to the shops. That’s poor planning on your part and to then speak to your partner as if they were a young child to avoid any responsibility or admission of poor planning. Yes, you and I would be done. I’m not a child and shouldn’t be spoken to like one.

Why on earth would it be the OP’s responsibility to acquire whatever ingredient was missing? Why is it her ‘poor planning’? Hmm
SmileyClare · 19/08/2021 08:08

If it was a one off then I'd just put it down to him waking up a bit grumpy and being pissed off you didn't have the ingredients. Unreasonable but he did apologise after.

If he regularly puts on a helpless baby act so you mother him then ewww... what a turn off! I couldn't play along with that shit.

Unanananana · 19/08/2021 08:09

@PlanDeRaccordement

I explained to him, like I would have to do to a young child

I’d end the relationship with you if you did that to me. I’d honestly be irritated that if we’d planned to do a recipe on Saturday that the ingredients would be ready by Saturday with no extra faffing off to the shops. That’s poor planning on your part and to then speak to your partner as if they were a young child to avoid any responsibility or admission of poor planning. Yes, you and I would be done. I’m not a child and shouldn’t be spoken to like one.

What? Why is the OP solely responsible for making sure the ingredients were ready? It was something THEY had planned. Why couldn't the DP manchild have sorted the ingredients to save the big-lipped pouting?
PlanDeRaccordement · 19/08/2021 08:10

Yes I did read the OP. I quoted it. You should never ever speak to an equal partner as if they were a young child. Never.

And no, I didn’t say it was all her fault for poor planning, it is joint fault. But I’d rather a partner say, ooops we should have planned better than speak to me in a condescending and patronising way.

Unanananana · 19/08/2021 08:11

You literally said 'thats poor planning on your part'.

museumum · 19/08/2021 08:14

Some people just feel things more deeply than others. It’s not your job to cajole him out of his disappointment.
I am a very “balanced” person and am often flummoxed by others’ strong anger, frustration, disappointment… and I don’t like being around those emotions. But really you just need to let people feel what they feel.
Step back. Walk away. Let him be in his feelings.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/08/2021 08:16

@Unanananana

You literally said 'thats poor planning on your part'.
I did, I used “your” as in the plural your. Sorry it wasn’t clear but that’s English for you.
pickingdaisies · 19/08/2021 08:16

Plan, I think you need a cup of tea, you've woken up a bit grumpy. Brew

SmileyClare · 19/08/2021 08:18

I sort of see Plan's point, if the Op had agreed say on the Friday they were making blueberry pancakes but hadn't bothered to add flour or blueberries to her usual shop?
In our house, we have a division of chores; I do the shopping for the week because I work less hours.

However, that's a lot of assumptions!

It's certainly weird that he almost enjoys being spoken to like a small child. Unless you enjoy that dynamic Op? Confused

PalmsandCharms · 19/08/2021 08:26

Why did you pander to him 'looking fed up'? Why didn't you just get on with whatever you needed to do and ignore. Sounds like you created a situation that wasn't actually there. Stop feeding the beast.

diddl · 19/08/2021 08:33

So are you saying that it really hadn't occurred to him that all he needed to do was go shopping for what was needed?

Does he act like a child because you treat him like one or you treat him like one because he acts like one?

gannett · 19/08/2021 08:38

He stand there and looks really fed up. I wasn’t overly concerned as he’s acted like this before but this as far as I’ve known him is a minor thing to get ??? over.
So I look at him and ask him if he’s ok..he reply’s yes but I’m a clearly disappointed tone.
I say ‘are you upset because we haven’t got the right ingredients? He replied yes.

I don't understand what happened here? How long was he standing there looking disappointed for?

I sigh and make a cat's bum mouth when I realise I don't have necessary ingredients in, this happens on a weekly basis. It's because I'm a lazy bitch who doesn't want to go to the shop right then and there. Obviously I realise I have to do it and will do so.

If he was sulking for half an hour or really looking helpless or despairing that's another matter.

Livpool · 19/08/2021 08:41

It sounds like a conversation I could have with 5 year old DS. I couldn't do it with a grown up I was in a relationship with

SmileyClare · 19/08/2021 08:44

Yeah I'm not sure why you made a big thing of his disappointed face? I guess I'd be a bit miffed if I woke up on a day off wanting a fry up and realised I had to get dressed and go to tesco s first. I'd probably stand in the kitchen thinking " Bugger it, Shall I bother?"

Why start talking to him in a slow condescending way about how you would go to the shops and consoling him like he's five? Perhaps you're encouraging him to be a baby.

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