Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

@Sofingfedup

Sounds to me like she feels you are over-invested in her. It’s not justified but I remember feeling like that when I was a teenager about people I was close to as a child. I didn’t want the pressure of validating the relationship or having to re-enact the “special connection” at every gathering.

I’m not for one second saying you expect this but it might be what she thinks you want, and it feels heavy and intense for her - especially now she has given you the cold shoulder a couple of times

Yes to the over invested. My SIL is a little wounded that 19 year old dd is not as keen to see her as before. SIL has done nothing wrong, but she is very interested in dd's life which dd now finds 'too much'. I get told to back off and leave her alone if I ask dd what she perceives to be too many questions. She wouldn't feel able to tell her Aunt to back off and leave her be, therefore she just tends to avoid her. It's a teenage thing - they generally come out alright on the other side

Lumpwoody you're projecting your own issues on the OP. You don't see her point, fair enough, but your posts are sounding a bit snide too.

OP, I wouldn't cut off all contact because you're hurt.

Just take a gentle step back. Be there in the background. Be lovely to her when you see her, give her space, and keep having your fun, fulfilling life.

Because in five years she'll be 22, which is an entirely different creature to 17, and in ten years she'll be 27 and a real grown-up, and if you've been this loving, steady presence in her life, I'd bet a hundred quid that you're back to being quite close again.

I have an aunt whom I adore who accidentally said something quite hurtful to me in my late teens. (I'm not saying this is what happened with you--just my own story.) I backed way, way off. I really didn't want to talk with her because I was anxious she'd bring it up again and because I was embarrassed. It was a couple sentences, and I cooled off for a good few years, because I didn't have the maturity to get over it or to realize that she wasn't deliberately trying to insult me.

And because I was a teenager, and teenagers lack perspective. They don't even have fully developed frontal cortexes. They're not adults, and you can't expect them react to things as an adult might.

Now, many years on, my aunt and I are closer than we ever were before and I totally adore her. If she had cut me off because I was stand-offish, mortified, and anxious, we never would have gotten close again.

You sound lovely.

I’d just give up for now. Hopefully the niece will come back.

I remember how I hated seeing fa ily around that age. Though I was very close to my auntie. But she’s only a few years older than me. Everyone else I couldn’t stand in my late teenage years. Just so socially awkward.

I'm bewildered that you're still describing yourself as bewildered tbh.

You've had pages and pages advising you why this girl is pissed off with you and you're still bewildered?

I'm sorry Northern but your last posts make you sound more & more overbearing, unhinged & very petty. I'm not surprised your DN has backed off, & why are you so keen to cut her off as the others had because she's hurt your feelings, but because you weren't listening to her saying no & insisted on continuing to treat her like a child.

I get that you aren't used to teens, so haven't picked up on the clues to back off that are obvious to those of us used to teen behaviour, but going from that, to well I'll just not bother at all, is incredibly passive aggressive & petty. If that's who you really are, then probably a good call all around for your DNS sake. If that's not who you are, then give your head a wobble

I’ve just read all your posts and I have to say that you are WAY too overbearing. Calling her up, wanting her to sit next to you, trying to friend her on Instagram when she has shut down and reset up her account, probably because she wants some privacy.

She is a teenager and you are a middle aged woman. I’m sorry for your hurt feelings, but you need to build a life if your own with people of your own age and not rely on 2 teens to make up the shortfall. I hope she appreciates you when she is older, but right now you sound extremely smothering.

Also, I don’t like the way you are using threats such as saying you’ll just become like her uninterested relative round the corner and not bother. Fine! Sounds like a threat and throwing your toys out the pram to me. I can see why she’s running for the hills.

@northernstar0412 if you're still reading . For the rough ride some arseholes have given you. I pity their families and hope that any aunts their children have decide to stay right away.

@rookiemere

Good point *@UserStillatLarge* . I find phone calls horribly intrusive and I'm in my 50s.

I find that those relatives I can connect with on FB messenger or WhatsApp are those I have the strongest relationship with as it's much easier to chat and exchange thoughts in a casual conversational way.

We're all different though aren't we? I would find constant messaging, other than to have quick chats to catch up or make arrangements rather unsatsifying.

Depends on the nature of the friendship though I guess.

Most teens these days are not used to being called up for long chats. They just don’t use that medium.

Why on earth are posters jumping on the OP for the ONE example she gave (the walk!) FGS it’s neither creepy or overbearing. You are all so quick to jump on the smallest details in a post.

OP your sisters views are important here. If it were me I would phone her and ask what is wrong with your Dniece and, more specifically, what her problem is with you.

Teenagers can be difficult. Being a teenager is difficult. But she’s 17. She’s not 12/13. She is being rude - and that’s not ok.

My sister is like you with my children. She adores them and I would be livid at my girls if they treated her the way you are being treated.

I would also take a step back and hope that she will come back to you - keep up the contact with your nephew though. No need for it to impact him.

OP, you have heard it already but I agree with others that you are being more than a bit overbearing. Comparing yourself to her mother and other relatives indicates that you are looking for some validation or recognition for your efforts. It sounds like you have done some lovely aunt things with them but you should only do these things because you want to.

Your niece has tried on numerous occasions to let you know that you are overstepping but you are ignoring her. Your niece has the right to choose who she sits next to, who she accepts on Instagram and who she goes for a walk with. She doesn’t owe you any of those things. She is telling you her boundaries, why should she be uncomfortable for the sake of politeness or another person’s happiness? At each point you keep trying to override her wishes and dismiss what she wants. She is not an arsey teenager, she is a young adult with free will and tbh I find her mum’s response very telling. You can’t expect your sister to tell her daughter off for upsetting you when you shouldn’t be listening to their conversation in the first place. One of my teens is massively uncomfortable in social situations and will always sit away from adults. I would never force her to converse as long as she wasn’t being rude. I wouldn’t take too kindly to anyone confronting her on it either. I would be having words with you rather than her if it was me!

You need to respect the girl’s wishes and your sister’s role as her mother not her ‘first mum’.

@MadameMonk

If I’d tried this rude nonsense with a close relative at 17, I’d have been set straight on basic manners and the maturity expected of me when with other people. By my parents, my aunties and my grandparents.

There’d be no meals out or walks, etc until I could prove I was fit to be around other people.

I think your sister has shrugged off her own responsibilities in this a little too quickly, and is giving a young person too much free reign to follow her preferences, without regard to the hurt she is causing (and the precedent it sets for her future dealings with other adults.)

Most mothers I know would be sitting the girl down for a pointed conversation about this. Pandemic or no pandemic. Your sister can’t keep pretending she has no skin in the game?

Absolutely this.

Rude madam and your sister is a disgrace allowing such apparently rude behaviour to an aunt that has always been so kind.

4 teens here and under any circumstances they would not behave like this, neither do any of the teens I know.

This is NOT normal teen behaviour.

Teens definitely can be moody and grumpy but that does not mean they would be bloody rude to a family member.

OP, you sound like a truly lovely woman that any child would be lucky to have in their life.

Stop making ANY effort and please realise your sister is the reason your niece is a rude madam and she is doing her daughter NO favour by allowing her think that this behaviour is acceptable.

@SingingInTheShithouse

I'm sorry Northern but your last posts make you sound more & more overbearing, unhinged & very petty. I'm not surprised your DN has backed off, & why are you so keen to cut her off as the others had because she's hurt your feelings, but because you weren't listening to her saying no & insisted on continuing to treat her like a child.

I get that you aren't used to teens, so haven't picked up on the clues to back off that are obvious to those of us used to teen behaviour, but going from that, to well I'll just not bother at all, is incredibly passive aggressive & petty. If that's who you really are, then probably a good call all around for your DNS sake. If that's not who you are, then give your head a wobble

What a spiteful post, it says an awful lot about you too.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

& the OP spitting the dummy out & saying she'll do what other family members do & don't bother with the DN from now on is okay in your book

Weird

And the op is bewildered why the young woman walked ahead with headphones on and didn’t want to talk with her on a walk …. Where the walk was after a massive row with her mum?

You have to be pretty tone deaf not to realise that wasn’t going to be a nice little walk and convo in the countryside.

Of course it's fine. Why should OP put up with being treated like this? She's been absolutely toasted on this thread by posters like you, SingingInTheShithhouse, told that this is nothing to do with her and she's not 'the mother'. Fine then, not her problem.

Her niece is 17, not a child - and is being ineffectually parented by OP's sister who is allowing this awful behaviour. If you think that's acceptable, fine by me. I don't think it's acceptable and whilst I wouldn't make waves, I'd give them a swerve.

Perhaps ask yourself why the other family members also don't bother...

I don't mind differences of opinion, we all have them, but the insults to the OP are out of order.

She's been absolutely toasted on this thread by posters like you, SingingInTheShithhouse, told that this is nothing to do with her and she's not 'the mother'.

Please show me where I have said either of those things you have accused me of. Thanks.

I hope you're a creative writer @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, because that's a hell of a stretch from what I, & I suspect others, actually wrote, to your interpretation of it. If not, you should maybe take it up, that's quite a skill you have there

@QueenHofScotland nobody said the walk was creepy, it is creepy that OP is discussing her nieces sexual experience online.

Not RTFT but I'd hazard a guess that somebody from your niece's school has seen you together and has made some joke to her about "Is that your boyfriend, he's so middle-aged" so she's wary of being seen with you now.

Perhaps you’re overbearing and “too much” for your niece. You might be a Su Pollard while she’s a Jack Dee.

I’d back off completely for now, keeping contact very short and light.

And you don’t need to accompany 17 year old girls everywhere. I’d moved out by 18.

You've done nothing wrong here OP. People ask you justify yourself which you needn't do! We're just a bunch of nosey strangers. You got all you needed from the first couple of pages of sane replies.

Sorry, got that wrong! (serves me right for not reading the full thread)