Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

The walk thing (‘insisting’ you join her…) was ridiculous.

On further thought, what 17 year old just goes for a ramble? Maybe she had arranged to meet some friends in the fields for a drink, or a boy and…well. Hence the walking away from you.

Just back off and be non judgemental when you interact.

What did OP do wrong in the restaurant? Asked her rude niece what was wrong? What's wrong with that?

Why are so many posters excusing the very rude behaviour from the niece? If she were my daughter, I would have been appalled at her saying that she didn't want to sit with my sister and I would have apologised to her (my sister). We would then have had words at home (my daughter) and she'd be invited to behave - or leave the restaurant; 17 is not a child anymore.

As I said, those obnoxious behaviours are going to be sat on when child is out in the big wild world. They're supposed to be learning at home/within the family but if they don't, they'll learn when they mix with others who will not put up with this behaviour.

If I were the OP, I wouldn't be rushing to bother with my niece right now. She'd have the space she wanted and more. Ugh.

@northernstar0412

I have hairy legs (but do shave them eventually when they get gorilla-like) so I guess that must make me a terf

TERF was originally Trans Exclusionary Reactionary Feminists.
Some TRAs like to swap Feminists for Fascists.

I prefer Tired of Explaining Reality to Fuckwits (thank you, Twitter). 😁

OP, trying to be gentle, you do sound a little intrusive and a bit over-invested. Just give her some space - teenagers are pains in the arse but do have the right to say no to a visit or sitting next to someone.

Perhaps you will be closer again when she is older

No one should be forced to sit beside anyone they don’t want to. The niece was trying to be subtle and the op called her out in a humiliating way. The op was in the wrong

Lumpwoody, Agreed. The time to mention that niece wouldn't sit with aunt was not in public earshot, no? That's not subtle, that was being an arsehole who wasn't afraid to humiliate a family member she had been fond of.

I think OP has got the message now - keep her distance from niece.

The niece tried to be subtle. The op didn’t.

And the op inserted herself into a walk the niece wanted to go on on her own.

Hardly fair in either scenario.

There is absolutely no way children even almost adult ones should be forced to sit with (or hug and kiss) people they don’t want to. It sends completely the wrong message.

Asking your nearly adult niece to go for a walk with you is nothing like forcing a small child to have a hug or kiss! FFS.

My grandmother used to ask us to go for walks with her (and to walk her dog) - I didn’t always feel like it, but I would have been exceptionally rude to refuse or sulk about it. Even at eight or ten years old. At 17 it’s just downright babyish behaviour. Yes it’s common amongst teenagers, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay. A 17 year old is nearly an adult and presumably knows well enough what would happen if they indulged in that behaviour at school or in the workplace. Treating teenage moods as if they are preschoolers learning about bodily autonomy is ridiculous!

But the niece perhaps wanted to go on the walk to get some space and not be rude.
We don't force grown ups to have walking company if they don't want it, so why isn't DNiece afforded the same autonomy?

The niece wanted to go on her own. The op pushed in.

The day we went on the walk she had wanted to go on her own but I'd insisted on going with her as I was worried about her.

The op insisted. Unless she thought the niece was an imminent suicide risk, that’s inappropriate. And even if she was, that’s not the right thing to do

That isn’t how adults work though, is it? If I was at a family holiday or event and was going for a walk, it would hardly be surprising to me if another person said “ooh, sounds lovely, I’ll join you, we can catch up!” or similar.

If I really didn’t want that, I’d say in advance “I’m just going to pop out for a walk on my own”; or I might say to the family member, “actually, would you mind if I go alone, I really need a break for myself, but let’s do something later.” That’s how adults interact with each other. Not sulking and rudeness. Makes me wonder how many people on this thread behave towards their family!

The niece said she wanted to go on her own. That’s what the op says. Then the op INSISTED. which is out of order.

Lumpwoody I don't interpret the posts in the same way that you are and your comparison of being forced to kiss is just a bit weird, sorry.

I think niece is out of order, you don't. No big deal.

I honestly can’t see what much the niece has done wrong. But then. I’ve been in her position and it wasn’t nice.

I had an elderly uncle who used to want to be around me all the time at family dinners. It was suffocated. He wanted to know everything that was going on in my life. Used to come to see me off on school trips. Considered himself as good as my granda.

I’ve no doubt if there was WhatsApp he’d be sending me messages regularly. He used to phone the house twice a week to talk to me and I was made to go and talk to him. He also used to insist I sat with him at family dinners.

It was too much.

We were REALLY close when I was young but he didn’t appreciate I’d grown up. He had no experience of children maturing and he was very bad at stepping back. It was borne of loneliness which I can see now, but as a teen it completely freaked me out and upset me.

Those saying we have the right to not sit next to someone - just wow. Of course we have the right , but sometimes that right domes not mean you should ride roughshod over someone else’s feelings. How absolutely crushing to be that person who everyone is desperately trying not to sit next to. It is a blow to be seated next to a bore (not saying OP is a bore, of course!) or deaf granny but it is a life lesson to be kind, and if others are also kind then they would swap with them after a suitable interval to share the pain!

As for the trans thing, when I was young we were always having warnings about cults like the Moonies. Now a cult has seized hold of our young people right under our noses. It’s the same old tactics: your parents etc are the enemy, they’re unenlightened, break free of them…

No one ever swapped with me. Ever. I was left with him ALL the time. Every family Dinner out. Every Sunday dinner at home. Every birthday dinner.

And it was all the chat about what was I doing how was school in detail. No generic answers allowed. And he knew and remembered everything my mother ever told me so said stuff about how my french test went and how was I planning to improve and why I hadn’t asked him for help with maths or whatever. It was intense and overbearing.

As I said, as an adult I get it. But as a teenager I didn’t.

The niece has clearly always sat with the op. It’s time to swap it up a bit.

OK, Lumpywood, allow me to explain my reasoning in the walk scenario.

My niece is 17 but is very small and looks about 13. She wanted to go walking in isolated countryside alone.

I will get slated for this, but I am glad I was with her because as she walked on way ahead of me, she attracted a few appraising looks from men much, much older and bigger than she is. They stopped when they saw me. Had I not been there, the chances are that she would have been safe anyway, but this is what I was worried about.

So because she’s small she shouldn’t go out alone? Didn’t she have her phone?

Because men might look at her.

Ok. You’ve got issues.

Lumpywood, I am just protective of her. She has no sexual experience and is not just small but very young looking, much more so than her real age. Would you for example be comfortable with a 13 year old girl walking in fairly isolated woods alone?

@northernstar0412 if her DM was happy to let her walk alone you shouldn't have insisted on accompanying her.
She may look 13 but she's not, she's 17 and should be allowed some body agency of her own.

OK, fine. It is not a mistake I will ever make again. I will be distancing massively on all levels. I actually am starting to wonder if I'm better off being like my other relative and not botherine with my sister and her kids at all. It would be much less grief all round, it seems.

Anyway, I'm seeing a family friend tomorrow also in my town for a few days and her teenage kids specifically asked to see me, so I can't be that bad now, can I?

[quote rookiemere]@northernstar0412 if her DM was happy to let her walk alone you shouldn't have insisted on accompanying her.
She may look 13 but she's not, she's 17 and should be allowed some body agency of her own.[/quote]
This.

She’s not 13. She’s 17. And the way you talk about her having no sexual experience and relate that to going for a walk is really inappropriate.