Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

"so I can't be that bad now, can I?"

You're starting to sound a bit silly now.

If you have been "protecting" your niece when she doesn't want you to then that easily explains (imo) why she has backed off completely.

Maybe she has tried to hint & you haven't listened.

It sounds as if this is her way of asserting herself where you are concerned.

@northernstar0412 this has taken a weirdly creepy turn. Leave your niece alone, why are you talking about her sexual experience on the internet. It is literally nothing to do with you. It’s become abundantly obvious why she is avoiding you.

It sounds like she's turning into an adult and finding her own identity.

It may take a few years, but I'm sure you'll build your relationship up again.

I'm short-just under 5ft & at 17 probably weighed 6 & a half stone wringing wet!

It's bad enough looking younger than 17 when you are, without being treated so as well.

My teen DD can be like this. I think it's to do with becoming an adult and rejecting close relationships in order to become independent. My DD won't let me hug or kiss her and sometimes barely talks to me. I'm confident it's just a phase so I try no to show I'm hurt and just kind of get on with it. It's slightly improving as time goes by and I know she loves me.
Just be there for her, don't take it personally. It's a phase which will pass.

Sexual experience is also absolutely nothing to do with an almost adult going for a walk.

I agree with @21Bee it’s creepy.

I think you should just leave her to her devices. Focus on you and building a life for yourself, def meet your nephew more often, but the focus should be on building a life outside of your family. As another poster said you aren’t their mum and as time goes on you may get pushed out more and more - having a life outside of them will help you cope.

@northernstar0412 you are taking some harsh comments with extreme grace and dignity! I'd have been tempted to tell some posters to fuck off with their assumptions that I'm intrusive and a nuisance.

You are, indeed, a fabulous Aunt.

Eh? Are we all pretending now that women never get flashed, assaulted, wolf whistled etc etc? It was over protective, yes (and probably annoying to the OP's niece) but it's not out of the realms of possibility or creepy to worry about that sort of thing.

And it's almost definitely not the cause of the rift from the sounds of it.

I think your sister is being very passive here, if my dd (have raised a teen) had behaved the way your niece has she'd be pulled up on it. Being a teenager is no excuse for bad manners.
I'd ask her (her mum that is) if there's a problem but if not then she can at least be civil. If there is you can address it.
I would advise you keep the lines of communication open but otherwise step back. Teens can be tricky and I think it's natural for her to want space but rudeness is not on.

Thanks SecretSpad - I definitely think I'm going to become more like my uninvolved family member who never bothers with my niece and nephew. But presumably then I would be criticised also, so you can't win really. Lumpywoody and her ilk are determined to have a go at me at a time when I am genuinely upset and bewildered at my niece's behaviour when she has always been so lovely in the past. Nothing I am doing or saying towards her has changed.

For parents who don't worry about their young, vulnerable daughters out walking alone where predatory men might be in isolated locations, then bully for them. I'm afraid I'm not as optimistic.

Don’t worry, OP, there are always some weird comments on MN and we do tend to focus on those.

My dd is 17 and I wouldn’t be happy if she went for a country walk alone. Even when the two of us went for a walk recently we spied some bloke behind a tree filming us (well, probably her). It was really unsettling. And yesterday with dh we passed a man who had some issues who stopped and stared at us. Flashers aren’t harmless and “funny” - they are committing a crime and there are sadly far too many of them about.

Sorry but your account of the walk, and how men were looking at your niece and would have jumped on her, only they did not because they saw you, sounds very dramatic

Let her breathe

FWIW I do not allow my 15 year old daughter (who isn't particularly small or young looking and is, in fact a kick boxer) to go for a walk alone in an isolated wood. Or does the fact that women can, and do, get attacked not relevant if it doesn't feed into the narrative of an intrusive aunt? Some of you need to get a grip. It's basic safety, not bodily agency. Now we can get angry about the fact that a young woman cannot go for a walk alone in an isolated wood, but that isn't the topic of this thread.

"For parents who don't worry about their young, vulnerable daughters out walking alone where predatory men might be in isolated locations, then bully for them. I'm afraid I'm not as optimistic."

But you're not her parent!

How do you know what her sexual experience is? It’s nothing to do with you. I think you need to back off, ask yourself - why am I mentioning my niece’s sexual experience levels to strangers on the internet? Time to back away from this, she’s not your daughter.

This is presumably a location close the DC's house, where she goes walking frequently, and her actual mother was fine with it.
Not for the OP to decide it's not ok.

For what it's worth there is a large park near us, where there are what you might describe as "isolated fields" and "isolated woods". It's actually no more dangerous than the walking through the housing bit and there is a steady stream of cyclists/joggers/dog walkers.
Niece is 17 - she is old enough to make her own decisions and, if she isn't - when will she be able to?

(I'd let my petite 15 year old DD walk through the "isolated wood" near us. Other isolated woods I might not be so happy about, but chances are, neither would she.)

But OP's not a disinterested person either, is she? She's the girl's aunt.

I winced a bit when I saw OP's latest posts because I knew how they'd be received... and they were. OP's being treated like some kind of weird, creepy stalker.

northernstar, I'd give up if I were you, this thread is going bad, nothig you can do about that. Hope things resolve themselves soon and that you have some RL support.

Diddl I was not saying I was her parent. I am talking generally about parents' concern for their daughters' safety. Or for that matter, aunts, uncles and friends' concern for their relatives and friends' welfare, young or old. Concern for any woman out alone is isolated areas where there might be men with less than good intentions lurking.

Think you might have been a bit overbearing on the walk, and she might hold your JK comments against you.

Those things aside, when she is 18 she will be an adult. Adults that treat me like shit, family or not, don't get birthday or Christmas gifts or any other kind of acknowledgement really.

That's up to you but she has made it very clear where you stand with her.

I can’t even tell you my own daughters’ sexual experience. It’s no ones business and it’s Curtis it not for sharing on the internet.

If the girl’s parent is happy with her walking the route then it’s not for the op to over rule that.

And honestly? This oh she’s so small I have to treat her as if she’s 13. No. She’s 17. In another year she will potentially be off to uni and her aunt won’t know all the dodgy dangerous walks she goes on.

It’s time to let her be the age she is and stop infantilising her.

@northernstar0412

Diddl I was not saying I was her parent. I am talking generally about parents' concern for their daughters' safety. Or for that matter, aunts, uncles and friends' concern for their relatives and friends' welfare, young or old. Concern for any woman out alone is isolated areas where there might be men with less than good intentions lurking.

You have issues.

LyingWitch - it's OK, I am used to it with Mumsnet. I think that even if Mother Theresa came on here with a problem she'd end up being bashed for it too at some stage when someone decided someone she said was wrong, and then the pile-on started.

And now I'll be accused of claiming I'm Mother Theresa.... let's see how many posts it takes!

Just for the record, my niece's mother did not want her to go for a walk alone and they got into an argument, so my sister ended up saying "Go on then, see if I care". At which point I went along to keep an eye on her as I was WORRIED about her.

I won't be back as I have no idea why I am taking a hammering. I am truly heartbroken at this and it his made me feel worse when everything started out helpfully with people explaining teenagers' moods.

something she said....

At 17 she's almost an adult. Surely she can go for a walk alone.