Totally rejected by my niece and I have no idea why. Absolutely gutted

[northernstar0412]

Hi,
I don't have my own kids and and I love my teenage niece and nephew just as much as if they were my own.

I've spent years doting on them - when they were little, carrying them when they were too tired to walk, playing games with them, taking them to play facilities to give my sister a break, giving them swings till my head span and as they got older going places and doing things with them, cycling, badminton etc. I've almost been like a second mum to them.

My nephew is great and we have a good relationship but I no longer recognise my niece, the younger of the two. She's completely changed since turning 17. She no longer speaks to me if she can help it and avoids me. I went on a long walk with her a few months back where she refused to speak to me at all and put her headphones on to listen to music. I asked her what was the matter but she said "nothing". I was really upset but tried not to show it and let her get on with it.

I used to ring her occasionally to chat, as I live in another city, and she would always talk to me. Not any more. All my calls go unanswered.

She recently visited my city with her mum, who suggested they stay at my place. My niece didn't want to so they stayed in a hotel.

And today in a restaurant with friends I overheard her telling her mum she didn't want to sit next to me. I was so shocked I immediately went over and asked her why and she said she was only joking. But her facial expression when I heard her say that tells me she was not joking.

Now I am wondering why she's giving me the cold shoulder when all her life we've been so close. Do I smell? Am I too ugly or common? Am I badly dressed or loud and embarrassing? Have I said or done something bad or offensive... or not said or done something I should have???

I don't want to make an issue out of it for fear of making things worse. My friend said to take no notice and laugh it off in their presence if it comes up but I feel tearful and feel like I've been kicked in the guts. I'm so upset and feel that the lovely girl I love so much has turned into an alien.

All the previous incidents I forgot about and didn't put them all together, but after today I've recognised a pattern of this coldness towards me over time Maybe I'm being utterly and totally pathetic. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I'm sorry for unloading my sadness on here and thanks for reading. I really just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

*I think this is a bit harsh. I don't consider myself to be a bigot. I worked closely with a trans woman I got on very well with and never considered her to be anything but another woman in our office.

I have friends and family members who are gay and from different ethnic groups, and as for refugees and migrants, I think that as a rich country we have a responsibility to help those fleeing for their lives, as well as having sympathy and understanding for them.

My trans remark was more about not wanting to be referred to as a cis woman or a person who menstruates - ironic as I don't anymore! Perhaps it's the menopause that makes me so objectionable!*

Apologies OP, sorry for being so harsh in my original post - many other users have replied in a much more constructive manner. But I do think your remarks on trans issues are the reason why your Neice has very little time or care for you now

My family is having a similar issue with my 24yo niece and her militant approach. She’s acting like an ungrateful brat to her mother and we’re at the point where we’re just leaving her to it, not fuelling the fire and not attempting to engage at all. It’s exhausting and painful to do anything else

do you think the niece should be ‘humouring’ the OP and just doing what she wants.

I think that basic politeness and respect towards people even if you don't share their views is a good life skill for any age. My daughter is not allowed to treat her grandparents and aunts the way she treats us.

LyingWitch, while I recognise that I could be seen as overbearing, my "overbearing" behaviour was not seen as such even just a year ago, when my DN used to chat to me on the phone at length, give me lots of hugs and "like" my fluffy animal pics that I sent.

I understand that she's going through a transitional and difficult period and that our relationship is changing. However, there is no doubt I've been sent to Coventry. Every text I've sent her of late has been ignored and she actively avoids speaking to me and being around me whereas once we were so close and she loved being with me. We used to be friends on Instagram but it seems I've either been unfriended or she's created a new account and blocked the old one. I didn't think much to it so just sent her a new friend request. That was about 3 months ago and remains unacknowledged, and I know for a fact she is on Instagram all the time.

It really does feel to me as though she can't abide me any more. It's OK though, I'll just go into space-giving mode and try to remain nonchalantly friendly should I be approached by her for comment - which I imagine is highly unlikely! :-)

It is still a shock to me but I accept that either she is traumatised about being socially shunned at school and/ or has become socially anxious, and will try my best to understand - at a distance.

All I have ever done was only out of love and concern and I now recognise something fundamental has changed and I need to back off fast.

Thanks so much for your concern and support

Thanks Liberett0, no hard feelings :-)

It's not you. It's the trans thing. She thinks you're a "terf".

I had this with my niece. I adored her but something changed as a teenager. She would only scowl at me and hardly spoke. I felt so awkward I didn't want to visit but just kept up being cheery and remembering birthdays etc. She changed back eventually and although we are not as close as we were, it is much much better.

I mean, it's 100% the trans thing.

She may have had other shit going on and been impatient anyway, but the trans thing was the nail in the coffin frankly.

Hi Sittinginthesand:

"Behaved like OP has". ... interesting.

My sister has often gushed what a wonderful and devoted aunt I am to her kids and that she thanks god they've got me, as another close family member who lives just around the corner from them never bothers with them, never pops round or rings them and that she feels sad for her kids that our other family member is so detached.

I've been encouraged to spend a lot of time with them - I only do so when invited by my sister and have not imposed myself on the family at all.

While I recognise rationally things are changing radically, it is no less painful for me but it's fine - and a great learning experience. In fact I'm actually grateful for it as it's redirecting my priorities about my life. I guess all change is painful but ultimately for the best!

Good luck OP

I reckon that no teen, no teen at all, wants the older generation on Instagram. My nieces and sons won’t friend me on social media. That is normal.

One way to a teen’s heart, imo, is by treating them and talking to them as an adult.

Would you send fluffy pics to an adult friend? (I know some people would, but really … )

Would you chaperone an adult friend out for a walk on her own? As she is small/young looking?

Teens like to be treated as grown ups, they like being trusted, they like space.

Also, people don’t really call eachother for a chat anymore (in my experience) , maybe a FaceTime call if you are in you are in your 50s ….with other old people

I have hairy legs (but do shave them eventually when they get gorilla-like) so I guess that must make me a terf

Teenagers notwithstanding, be polite or exclude yourself from company. Nobody should have to put up with this.

Perhaps that's why niece wanted to go for a walk by herself? The one OP then insisted on also going on (and then got annoyed when she was ignored). Politeness works both ways.

Would you send fluffy pics to an adult friend? (I know some people would, but really … grin)

Yes, actually, but only one as we are both animal lovers and they send pics to me too. I know how sad that sounds.

Would you chaperone an adult friend out for a walk on her own? As she is small/young looking?

I have adult friends I've known since school who still insist on walking me home or to a bus or train stop at night even though I look like a rugby prop forward!

If you're a regular on the FWR boards then you'll find you're not alone.

It's like the Puritan movement all over again. There are believers and proclamations of faith and there are heretics and people going to hell. There are cult-like aspects to it all. It is scary and you do wonder where it will all lead - generations who have had their minds shaped by the internet at large.

Hi, what are the FWR boards please?

I'd give her a bit of space for a while, she's far more likely to come back to you given the space she needs. Also if she goes to university she may have enough freedom from home that she enjoys talking to family on her own terms more often

I have to leave the boards for a bit now as need to get my daily exercise before starting work shift.
Thanks to everyone for being kind enough to respond - it has helped me so much!

@Sittinginthesand

Lying - what is the niece done that’s rude though? It sounds like she’s having a tough time and is finding OP difficult to deal with - do you think the niece should be ‘humouring’ the OP and just doing what she wants. I think many 17 year olds would find it hard to deal with an adult who has behaved like OP has, they just don’t have the skills to cope with it.

OP's niece has been obnoxious; she has singled out her aunt for disdain and exclusion. We don't always get to sit next to the people we want to but, OP has previously had a decent relationship with her niece - and now niece wants to cold-shoulder her? At lunch? Having a discussion with her mother that she doesn't want to sit with aunt, loud enough to be overhead? Very rude. If you can't treat your family members with politeness then, don't go to social events until you can.

I don't know why OP is being critiqued for her 'behaviour'? Being a bit over-bearing, overly solicitous is normal in a family and OP's sister could have gently pointed that out. Not siding with her daughter who is being rude. OP's sister will certainly be on the receiving end of this teen behaviour but it's her (and niece's dad's) job to manage it and not allow it to impact other people.

The only thing that OP could have done, perhaps should have done, is pick her sister up on niece's behaviour and tell her that niece's behaviour is unacceptable (it is) - and that she (OP) will give her space.

Teenagers do not 'know it all', nobody does. OP's nephew also didn't agree with OP's view on Trans. Did he tantrum off? Refuse to sit next to her? No.

We all have opinions about all sorts of things. Not agreeing/disagreeing is part and parcel of that but, it comes with the caveat of being respectful of other people's views. Challenge them by all means - but respectfully. Or, keep your discourse to AIBU and fit right in with your unreasonableness...

Niece will get her corners rubbed off by other people; they might not be as kind about it as her aunt is. Too bad.

She's a teenager. I have 3 of them and sometimes stuff that is happening in their lives or worrrie sthat they have they project onto the closest people to them. I would continue to touch base and make sure you is there because it is good for teenagers to have a non parent adult they can turn to if they need to, but stop taking her behaviour personally.

FWR = feminism and women's rights boards. If you look up feminism chat you'll see more.

But the op pushed in to a walk where the niece wanted to go on her own. Wasn’t that rude? She also publicly humiliated her niece about the seating which again wasn’t really fair.

Sorry OP, by ‘behaviour’ I didn’t mean that you’ve been particularly awful - just that as you acknowledge you’ve found it hard to adjust to her needing more space and growing up and some people would find it hard to deal with that level of investment, even though it is well meant! By investment I mean interest in her life and wanting to be close, to some it would feel very oppressive. You did do the wrong thing in the restaurant though imo, that must have been very awkward all round!

I hope the weekend goes well for you, concentrate on having a great time with your sister

Hi OP,
I've been lurking since your first post because I didn't really have anything to add. I think there's been a lot of helpful advice on the thread and I really admire how you've taken everything on board.

I've got an 18 year old dd who has spent most of her free time in her room for the last few years. We were so close when she was little that it can feel hurtful at times even though I know it's perfectly natural.

Our longest conversations recently have been about the trans issues. I'm GC which shocked her because she knows that I'm an old lefty and a feminist; she'd assumed that I would agree that TWAW so couldn't believe that I could "sound like an old Tory". She's convinced that I'm a transphobe and I think that she's fallen for TRA propaganda and isn't engaging her brain. We get very frustrated and exasperated with each other but still talk about it.

Teens do pull away and need to be left to choose when they want to start a conversation but even controversial issues can be tackled if they're in a mood to try and educate you. 😊