Question for the cheaters out there

[Runrabbitw]

I’m not looking to start a witch hunt, but I’d really like to hear from people who have cheated and how they can live with it? I would be an anxious mess if I did something like that, I’m trying to wrap my head around how my ex can do it. I’ve spent the last 2 years falling for his lies and I just don’t understand. I don’t think he is a nasty person, but how does he keep on doing it , knowing that he is hurting me?
How do people flip from one person to another, over and over?

It's normal.

Years ago, it used to be normal to be faithful. Nowadays its normal to be unfaithful.

This is the main reason i'm single.

The same way I guess we deal with anything that is difficult, focusing on something else rather than the negatives in the situation

I think I struggle to understand as I look at things from my own point of view, and how I would feel if it was me doing it.

I think for some people it’s about being able to compartmentalise. For others they are selfish or have a lack of empathy. Some people get off on fooling others. Still others come up with loads of justifications so they can feel better about what they’ve done. It’s kind of a take your pick as different people have different reasons. Sorry you’re going through this.

Not normal in my world. Never cheated and 100 percent sure partner hasn't either. 25 years together. Don't have any close friends who've been cheated on or cheated either.

It does more harm than good. And always come back to haunt them

I honestly don't know. With difficulty. I stopped it and fessed up and got forgiven it was a long time ago.

It wasn't a nice experience even at the time so zero chance it'll happen again.

@Lolabray

It does more harm than good. And always come back to haunt them

No, it doesn't. It really doesn't.

Name change for this, and I'm aware I'm going to get flamed. Honestly, a lot of the time it's simply because we can. It doesn't mean I love my husband any less. It's purely because I can get the attention that I used to get when I was young, free and single and the excitement that comes with it.

I think it depends on the type of cheating. One night stand is different to an ongoing relationship with someone.

Some people I know are great at compartmentalising. Others are bored to downright unhappy but don’t want to leave, but then eventually meet someone they are attracted to and find it too hard to say no.
Some are pretty sure other party won’t find out.
Some want excitement and to feel alive again.

I’ve pretty much been cheated on by everyone I’ve ever dated. Current partner excepted (as far as I know).

I went 13 years without being disloyal, I slept with an ex last month and the only regret I have is that I have to keep having the affair rather than be with my ex properly.
I don't think I've been happy in my relationship for a while now, being with my ex makes me happy; I don't think I've ever stopped loving him 🤷‍♀️

Compart mentalising. 3 years on, both relationships are over, however, it haunts me everyday. Hands down. Wish it had never ever happened.

I cheated for the 1st time, this year after 13 years of loyalty.
My partner is abusive, controlled and I wish I could leave him.
I am having an affair with my ex from over 15 years ago and the only regret I have is that it took us this long to find each other again.

I cheated because of unexpressed anger. My ex refused to work and was useless around the house even though I was working full time, so I ended up doing everything and paying for everything. I cheated on him, which gave me the courage to leave him. I do not feel bad about it.

People cheat because they are selfish and really don’t give a fuck about anyone else, that’s how I see it . All the crap about how they could get attention from other people, what,like a toddler needing constant attention you mean?
Shit excuse..
Also to the poster who said none of their close friends have cheated, since it’s not something that people generally admit to I doubt you would know if they are presently, or ever had cheated.
People also cheat because they think they are smart enough to get away with it, most aren’t.

I think it comes down to concious.

I find it hard to understand in family situations with kids involved. Perhaps less so when there's not.

It's not for me but I think some people can justify / rationalise and are good at presenting their version of the truth. It wasn't really their fault its because of x,y and z...

A lack of boundaries.
A need for pathetic ego kibbles.
A lack of understanding of what love actually is.
An ability to compartmentalise.
Addiction, depression, mental health crisis
List goes on and on.
All of these and more are given as the reasons.

But…

Selfishness and entitlement is the BOTTOM LINE.

People cheat because they want to and then they create a web of lies and justifications to support what they know is a morally reprehensible thing to do. I would not want to do anything which causes trauma to another. I honestly don’t think that infidelity related PTSD is talked about enough. Cheating is considered by many as a form of abuse.

IMHO there’s also some really nasty power play going on. Cheaters are robbing their spouse of their personal agency, somewhere deep down I think they like having that level of control.

I honestly am a believer that people can change, but they have to want to and they have to do serious work to become a safe partner. Most don’t.

Knew someone who had an affair with a married man, then ended up working with that married man years later and it was quite sad really. To see if from both sides.

The ow was young, energetic and had loads of spare cash to do fun things. The wife was tired from work/mum life, working long hours to paid their mortgage off and they’d been together for years so it had stagnated a bit and all got a bit comfy.

I remember him telling me one night that he regretted it all entirely, he thought there was no way out at the time and that his wife wasn’t interested anymore. ‘Of course this child free young irresponsible female is ‘attractive’, my wife was run into the ground by our life choices, I’d contributed to that, she was also young attractive and child free at one point’.

I am able to compartmentalise. It was tricky at first but it's getting easier as time goes on. PP is also right. I am selfish. I wanted to do it, so I did it. I don't allow myself to dwell on it too much.

OP, look around, you live in a society where cheating on a spouse or partner is accepted, even admired in some quarters. The current PM, the heir to the throne, countless 'celebs' - all have cheated.
The cheater will always come up with a list of excuses, but ultimately it's about their entertainment and ego polishing.

A lot of dogmatic and judgy replies on this.
I did it because I was trapped in an abusive marriage where my ex had made it clear that if I left, the children would live with him.
I had an ill narcissist mother who was draining me physically and emotionally but being an only child I felt I couldn't go no contact.
I had a demanding job that felt like it was all give on my part.
I was emotionally drained and needed something for me.
I don't regret it. It gave me the strength to leave my ex and to manage my DM in a less destructive way. It made me feel human again and loved. OM and I are still together. ExH is much happier.
On a moral level I'm not proud of what I did but on a personal level, it saved me.
Life happens. There are some MNetters who are too black and white in my opinion.

I think life happens
People get horny and get a chance to act on it and can Live out a fantasy

I’m not really a cheater per se

But I look back at the abusive exes with more ire that the ones that cheated

And some cheating is vile
And some is actually understandable

It’s not black and white for me

I've cheated on an ex boyfriend. This sounds like I'm minimising it, but it was a bit like having a cake when you're on a diet (or a drink when you're trying to stay dry, or whatever your personal bad habit is) - I knew I shouldn't be doing it, I kept saying to myself I wouldn't do it again, but somehow couldn't resist! Basically the short term enjoyment eclipses the long term feelings of guilt.

Btw I've been faithful to DH for 25 years - this was back when I was young and foolish.

I cheated when I was young. My relationship was dead in the water and I'd tried to break up with him many times but he was older and controlling (not in an awful way) and I couldn't seem to get myself out of it. I cheated with my now DH who was my best friend at the time, several times but wasn't an affair - more me rebelling and trying to have a bit of freedom.

This was all in my early twenties and I feel shitty about it now - seems silly now that I couldn't just break it off the first time I wanted to. But it didn't feel like that at the time - it was absolutely amazing and exciting and felt like I was getting myself back, then crushing worry and guilt after until the next time.