@Onthedunes as usual another spot-on post.
I agree that not all who cheat are unhappy with their marriage. There are NO excuses here, by the way. This is just to illustrate a point. None of this is an excuse and he’s never used one. He owned all his own shit. Nor is this a ‘poor him’ story. He was a colossal shit at the time. It’s where the unhappiness lay which in his case led to an epic fail when tempted.
He is a high-flyer/achiever who had a surprise redundancy from a top firm which was actually a first-in type situation (they closed an entire office out of the blue) which even though it was nothing to do with his work clearly dented his self esteem. Some of his colleagues took it to court and lost (didn’t have a prayer against such a massive powerful company) and the whole thing left a very nasty taste. Add this to the midlife crisis, middle aged man in a job he thought was a bit beneath him after the previous Monopoly money job, long commute away, big city, after work drinks in very trendy places with large amounts of young people and it was a toxic soup of someone desperately in need of an ego boost far from home (who would ever find out?) surrounded by people 20 years younger than him in a ‘singles’ culture.
Back up the rabbit hole from work at home, however, he was happy with me, the kids, everything else. He booked and planned family holidays, enjoyed them, took me out as a couple, we had sex, slept in the same bed, booked trips, talked about the future and our retirement. Never said he was unhappy with me or his life, never looked it and initiated loads of family/couple stuff himself. He never seemed anything other than his usual self. Because at home, he was happy.
In his working life, however, he was insecure, desperately trying to prove himself in a new job and feeling less than the high flying guy he always had been. He didn’t say a word to anyone about this, even to me. I’d supported him through the redundancy and his “fuck ‘em, their loss.” attitude convinced me completely that he knew his worth and all was well. It wasn’t. The come on from a young, pretty foreign woman in a bar after work was all his flagging ego needed.
No, he wasn’t seduced by an evil woman, before I get lynched for blaming her, it was his choice to then pursue her and cheat, it’s on him, not her. What I’m saying is that all the circumstances lined up for a man who was actually happy at home, just feeling less-than in his self esteem and work life. The attention and flattery from a younger, attractive woman was a crutch, just like drink or drugs, to bolster a flagging ego. The high from the affair was just as addictive. He couldn’t believe he’d managed to attract a woman 17 years younger than him who told him he was God’s gift and was high on the Billy Big Bollocks factor.
I see how it happened, but it’s no excuse. He should have walked away. In the end it happened because he let it.
No circumstances are an excuse for cheating, but you sure don’t have to always be unhappy at home to cheat, you just have to be unhappy in some aspect of your life for which attention from an unexpected source, unearned flattery and freely available sex fill the void. And then weak enough in character to choose it.
That’s why I was so blindsided. I wasn’t in denial or refusing to see stuff that was right under my nose, nor was I gullible. My life was as normal as it had ever been. Because he was happy at home. It doesn’t make me feel better to believe this, it’s just true. Him being really unhappy at home would have made it more understandable.
Happy/ unhappy is neither here nor there, it’s what you do when faced with the temptation that separates cheaters from non-cheaters. We’ve all been tempted at some point in a long marriage, but we’ve not all cheated.